bieverywords

[bieverywords]

In the past, Europe was in pain under the reign of a tyrant. Before he reigned, he only gave promises and dreams. The people believed those promises and dreams, and therefore, they gave him what he wanted, the command, the power, and they followed him, did terrible things because of false ideas and beliefs. The nightmares and the realization of lies began for those people who did not fit into those ideas and beliefs. Those who did not see his truth suffered and were killed. Those who survived, remember. It was in Europe, so what do we care, right? It didn't happen in the USA. It's not our past. Then again, we have someone in command right now who promised and provided a dream to the people, and within the little time he has been in command, those who have different views and are seen as different to him, are suffering. Yes, people are not dying by his command, at least, not yet, but people are suffering, hate is spreading, and that is how Hitler began, that is how evil plays its cards, slowly and little by little, in a way no one notices, until a tyrant is created. Now, in the USA, we are seeing the same steps, the people who have the same beliefs follow him blindly, and the ones that are different and do not have the same beliefs are suffering and being driven out of the country. Now, now people are seeing how the economy is suffering because of his actions, at least those who want to see. Jobs that people had who were driven away, important jobs, essential jobs, that none of the people that remain want, and the economy suffers. Who knows what is to come in the remaining time? But I fear USA's future, fear for the different, for the dreamers. Maybe the USA needs to experience a tyrant, and maybe that way, the people will remember.

[bieverywords]

Sometimes, words explode from my mouth like a grenade, not thinking that I might offend or hurt someone while I say them. I wish every day that there comes a time in my life when I will learn to shut up and leave my opinions to myself. For now, that is something that my better half is good at, but not me. I hope someday I can learn to shut up.

[bieverywords]

Sometimes I remember who you were, and it saddens me. Today, I have to remember that you are still you. You are still the man who showed me everything. The man who taught me wrong from right and right from wrong. The man from yesterday, even though lost, different, changed is still you. It is a new chapter in life, with a new version of you.

My book of you begins with fear. I feared the man with the belt, the disciplinarian, the man that would punish me for being naughty, stealing from your jar of coins, which you counted every day noticing that money had been slowly leaving your safe spot. I was so scared of you that I got the side of my knee cut open and all I could think of was "my dad is going to kill me if he finds out" while blood dripped down my knee with no end. I feared you so, that when I broke my nose I never told you and never went to a doctor and told you that I had fallen. So scared that when I scrapped my knee while hanging from a running cars bumper I never told you the truth. I learned to lie because of fear.

My second chapter of you is respect. After you showed me your pain of when you punished me, the fact that you were vulnerable around me and talked to me like I was an equal taught me to respect you. I respected you because you would talk the talk and walk the walk. Whatever you asked me to do, you would also do yourself, and that showed me that you were a man of your word, and I respected that. A man that was not afraid to get your hands dirty. A man who would teach me how to play softball, how to defend myself, and how to respect and love myself.

My third chapter of you is embarrassment. I grew and felt embarrassed by your age, I struggled to find myself and separated myself from you. I tried to become independent by lying to myself because I depended on you more than ever.

My fourth is conflict. I was conflicted with my sexuality and I was scared of telling you because you are or were a bit of a homophobic and I wanted to tell you because I loved you with all my might and I didnt want you to hate me or deny me as a daughter.

My fifth is freedom, love, and unity. I told you and you were quiet, I know you didn't understand but you loved me because you know who I am and you told me you loved me. We became closer than ever. It was me and you against the world. We would hang out almost always. You were my coach. You were my equal, but you were also the dad I needed and respected.

Sixth is separation. I moved out finally after being so close, and it was hard to miss you. We barely talked or saw eachother anymore, but when I saw you it was as if I never left. The hug was infinate and the playfulness of us was always there.

Seventh is impactful degradation. One day, you were my dad that I could talk to, and then the other, you are deaf and barely remember a thing. It has been tough, this time is very difficult. Seeing my strong dad, my fun dad, my attentive sneaky dad, my coach in life, and sports slowly degrade is not easy. I see your eyes, and I know you still see me, and you are still there, but it is difficult to lose a little of you every day. I try to cherish every day and moment with you as if I will not have one tomorrow. Sometimes it hurts, and I think back and miss you even though I still have you.

The last chapter has not arrived, but every day, I try to be ready for it, and before then, I will enjoy every chapter and book of you. I love you, dad!

[bieverywords]

[bieverywords]

I don't know...

It's like she says "take it easy my friend".

So...what am I desperate for?

What am I so in a hurry to do, to feel, to experience?

Why am I trying so hard to figure her out?

Why am I blocked?

It's not like she thinks. She thinks that I am always thinking about her sex drive. I mean I do think of it a lot but not in the way she said. Not day in and day out. But she is right, I do have to take it easy. I'm taking things too fast and I need to refocus on myself.

I've been sad all day. And I don't understand why. I have an amazing life, one that many may envy and yet I feel lonely. I shouldn't feel like that but what can I say, it happens and today was definitely that day. I sometimes wish I could go back in time when I was in college. When I hung out with my "friends" often and adulting wasn't my life. When I was always having fun. Now what? I still have a shitton of energy and most of the time just wasting it. Sitting in my couch, bored and alone. And mostly on my own choice, because I'm tired of inviting people and having them say no. As adults you just can't seem to be spontaneous anymore, which sucks. I hate being an adult, I am lonely as ever, as fat and tired as ever. Longing for someone that will always be there. But that will never happen and I know that, but I can't seem to learn to enjoy my own company, not really. Not an active one.

I left the room and wish she would come after me...but she won't, that is not in her. Chasing, not her thing. Asking, not her thing. I really wish she would come to me and make me feel better. But it's up to me right? I need to make myself feel better, I can't depend on others to do that. So yeah, I'll cry all I need to and pull myself together to go back and well be there. She might ask what's wrong, but I don't even know.

[bieverywords]

Waiting...waiting...waiting.

Waiting to be dissapointed.

Waiting to be surprised.

Waiting to talk.

Waiting to fall asleep.

Waiting, waiting and waiting.

Waiting for nothing.

Waiting for everything.

Waiting for something.

Waiting for anything.

Waiting, waiting and some more waiting.

I should just stop waiting and move along.

[bieverywords]

In another country, alone, with a language barrier. Additionally your gf has completely shut you down cause you texted the truth, she needs to think about it. So what do I do? In an unknown country, with unknown people, unable to communicate. I come here, write here, where I am...unknown. Safe haven, right? Yeah... I'll be honest all I can think of is about drugs, alcohol and/or sex. Nothing of that will help so yeah, and I knew this would happen. I knew she wouldn't want to talk. I screw myself over I swear. But then again if I wouldn't have written that text, I wouldn't have been able to say what I did and honestly I think it was necessary. Now what do I do? I wish I was home. I wish I was in my bed unable to hide or my gf hide from me and have us actually need to talk. Am I toxic? Is this toxic behavior? Sigh*...I don't know what to do... Am I forcing my relationship? Am I trying too hard? Am I doing the right thing? What is the right thing? The thing is...because of this discussion and not being able to do anything about it and having to let it go for now I am just going insane. I'm even thinking of calling someone who I know I shouldn't call. But this is my truth, these are my thoughts, this is my conundrum and here I am, once more, talking to you, no one, everyone, for nothing and because of nothing. Good night.

[bieverywords]

Talking and socializing at a distance...stops, and then silence, silence in my house, silence in my head and turmoil in my soul. My heart crumbles, then my mind turns on, but just noise comes out. My life seems to be together. Anyone looking in would say I have everything... yet I feel lonely every time I am alone, just me, myself and I, and it turns to a silent nightmare. I swear I feel this house is too big, I feel this job is too much, I feel my relationships are all a mess I feel my debts will drown me. Yes, I have family, but they all have their world. I want a family of my own. I want a partner in crime, I want adventures, I want traveling and I want love.

[bieverywords]

Poco a poco todo va callendo en tiempo y espero que para ti tambien.

[bieverywords]

Cuando te sale el tiro por la culata. Que mierda mano -_-.

[bieverywords]

I wan't to burn my past down.

I wish I could destroy my memories with you.

I desire with all my heart for you to dissappear from my mind, my heart and my life.

I wish you had never come into my life or at least that I would've cut our time together short.

Instead I stood next to you, supported you and proposed to you only to be left and treated like our time didn't exist.

If you hate, resent or despise me so much then fucking leave.

You are a fucking leach.

A sucker of energy and finance.

And I am so stupid or feel so sorry for you that I let my energy and my money be sucked by you and I'll tell you this...I hate myself for it and I hate you.

[bieverywords]

When we were, to me you were noise, you were nagging and annoying and I didn't understand. Now that we are no longer, I hear the sound of your noise I understand the cause of the pain inflicted by me and the cause of your nagging. I see it through your eyes and I acknowledge why the anger emanates from you. You warned me and all I did was become angry with your ultimatum. Cause who imposes an ultimatum over someone they love? But in the same way, Who ignores the person they love?...

...I just want this all to end...

[bieverywords]

I dream, wish and desire to feel. Feel the heat and moisture of some lips. Lips that make me melt, that make me desire more. It is all I wish, I wish for a kiss. An infinite kiss, one that never ends and always begins. I desire that kiss, that provokes my whole being in which heat emerges from my toes to the thread of my hair. I want to feel happy inside, complete and loved. I want to feel the body of someone I can love, care and caress. I want to touch the lips that complete me. Feel the contours, delicacies and moisture of them. I wish to feel it with the tip of my fingers and with the lips of my own. How I long for this, I long for true romance and for wonderfull and delightful company that fills my body, heart and soul. Whoever you shall be, I cant wait to see, touch and kiss you. I cant wait to have you complete me and for me to complete you.

[bieverywords]

I don't think I came in too strong, but at the same time knowing you, I think I might have. Hopefully you do not flee due to my emotional frankness and my fucking annoying ass insistance.

I don't know what to say, but what I did say is true. I really don't know what you have that you make me soooo happy everytime I hear your voice and I get so anxious when I can't get a hold of you. But since I threw a hell of a bomb at you I will leave you be, hoping that some day soon you reappear. I really don't want to lose you again, I don't know if I'll be able to deal with not having you in my life again since I never wanted to lose you in the first place. I just did it because I had to. And the fact that you appeared when you did and how you did...it had to mean something...no?...I don't know, I am confused. I am confused because I should be mourning my old relationship but I'm no longer doing that. I am focusing on me but I am also focusing on you. I really wish you would give me a chance, a chance that all those men have had and that they have not deserved. A chance in which I could show you me. My real me, my intimate me. And a chance for me to meet you, the real you, the not scared you.

The sad part is that due to my expression and passion I dont think you will ever talk to me again out of confusion and fear. Im so sorry for that, it really would be unfortunate to lose a person like me who has always been honest with you, maybe too honest...it would also be unfortunate for me to lose a person that makes me laugh, makes me feel like I can dance and whom I desire so much.

[bieverywords]

[bieverywords]

You think you know me but you have no idea...

[bieverywords]

How to Handle Jealousy