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Mixed Feelings: Switching Degrees

 I have mixed feelings regarding my old career path and switching to a new field. On one hand, I’m overjoyed to finally be doing something I am passionate about. On the other, I am consumed by self doubt and anxiety. Was this choice correct? It’s frightening how even after a year of my new studies, I haven’t the inkling of a clue.

My past degree was in civil engineering. To say it was chosen on a whim would have been generous. After a year of general engineering studies, I was required to select a specialization. Outside of coding and writing programs, there was little else I felt I resonated strongly with. As such, after choosing computer engineering as my first choice, the rest of my selections were chosen with little care.

Unsurprisingly, my grades were suboptimal from a general lack of focus that epitomized my first year. And also unsurprisingly, I did not get into computer engineering. Instead I was notified I had been admitted into my second choice, civil engineering. Not only was I shocked to be admitted into my second choice, but I was surprised to discover my second choice was civil engineering. I decided to continue on in lieu of attempting a transfer after hearing of how gruelling the process could be.

During my first year in the program, I was reminded of the root of my apathy. Every single course was incredibly dry, from my perspective. Again I was at an impasse. Was this really my calling in life? Could I see myself doing this until I retire? Once more following the risk adverse approach, I tried to commit.

The following years quickly became a blur as my focus was aimed solely on finishing school and securing a job. It paid off as academically, I was a diligent student. However, outside of school, I was essentially a ghost, engaging rarely with extracurriculars. Any hope of involvement was also quickly dashed when the pandemic occurred. My lifestyle at the time could not be better summarized than by the video below:

I was walking on a moving sidewalk. Not falling behind but not enough effort to get ahead.

My last year in civil was also aimless. However, through word of mouth, I learned of an accelerated second degree program in computer science. My first passion. I weighed my options. If I decide to take the chance and switch programs, it would be difficult to re-enter the civil industry after an extended absence. If I decided to stay in old industry, I would be committing myself to a life I found personally unfulfilling.  

I decided to switch. And from that came the mixed feelings. As I resumed school life once again, I found myself surrounded by peers several years younger in my classes. Will I seem out of place in these lectures?

But for the first time, I am genuinely interested in what I am learning. For that, I believe I can live with my choice, regardless of the outcome.

Sources:

Video 1) Casey Nesitat - Life Explained in 27 seconds

Gif 1) 30 Rock - “The Tuxedo Begins”

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Mixed Feelings: Working in Calgary

I have mixed feelings reminiscing the year I spent in Calgary.

In my previous field, I was an aspiring civil engineering undergrad, looking for an internship. Having exhausted my options locally in Vancouver, I decided to broaden my scope and explore opportunities in other provinces and even countries. Eventually I landed a job in Calgary.

After the initial feelings of elation and triumph at finally securing a job, doubt quickly began to seep in. I had received a year long offer but only three days to respond. Three days to decide if I would accept and become a stranger in a new city. Or to continue rolling the dice in hopes I might land a position closer to home in Vancouver. I decided to play it safe and accept.

My first week at the job was hectic to say the least. I was quickly met with a barrage of brief introductions, project debriefs, and company guidelines. My co-workers seemed a pleasant bunch. However, the age gap between my team and I was immediately apparent. Perhaps it was due to this gap, my own social deficiencies, or a combination of both but I’d soon find that conversations never progressed further than idle small talk.

And of course, that was perfectly fine. Close bonds between co-workers were not a requirement for doing great work; in fact it could even be detrimental. However, being socially isolated in a new province, I was actively seeking these connections from all potential outlets. When I couldn’t find it at work, I resorted to functions such as hobby meetups.

These gatherings were not the answer either. I realized that after a long week of consultation work, the last thing I wanted was to exert more energy in meeting new people. When I acclimated to my workload at the office, I would be given more, further dwindling my desire to socialize. Eventually I stopped searching two months in.

Ultimately, the rest of year at Calgary became a matter of routine. Wake up. Work. Come home exhausted. Exercise, eat, sleep, and repeat.

I did end up meeting a group of friends but it was mostly surface level; we haven’t talked since I left.

Looking back at the year, a vast majority felt like wasted time. However, I am still genuinely proud of what I was able to accomplish at work and outside it. I had the chance to meaningfully contribute to a billion dollar project. One of my designs even achieved a cost savings of millions for the company. A through numerous technical presentations, I was able to conquer my fear of public speaking. I was also entirely self sufficient in a whole new province with zero connections. Having lived that year in Calgary empowers me to live my life to the fullest; it shaped who I am today. So despite my mixed feelings, I would do it all again.

Sources:

Gif 1) https://ahseeit.com/?qa=215647/when-your-friend-is-one-year-older-than-you-be-like-meme

Gif 2) Spongebob SquarePants Season 3, Episode 45b: Doing Time

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Mixed Feelings: Flight Attendant Mom

My mother worked as a flight attendant. It was a job I always look back on with mixed feelings. Whenever the topic of parent’s occupations was mentioned, my mom being a flight attendant always garnered enthusiastic responses. “Wow, it must be cool for her to travel to so many different places!” “You must be very lucky be able to go to all these places with her!” There were definitely truths in to these statements but they also fail to tell the whole story.

She was working as a flight attendant before I started forming distinct memories. Having immigrated from Hong Kong, my mother had all her work flights based there. This meant all trips had Hong Kong either as the source or destination. To also minimize the amount of arduous, intercontinental flights, she would mainly work consecutive trips around Asia, being away for weeks or months at a time.

Meanwhile, my father was working long hours in the restaurant business. Meaning for most of the day, I was left to my own devices at a very young age. I had to be self reliant, learning to cook and transit to school on time. It was daunting initially but was something I quickly grew accustomed to.

Despite this, the circumstances were definitely still not ideal, especially as a child. I was also too young at the time to grasp the magnitude of my parent’s sacrifices. My focus solely on their absences. Especially with my mother, I quickly decided not to get too attached; when I did, it only made her departures all the more painful. Even my excitement during her homecomings would be quickly tainted by the slow realization that she would inevitably leave.

Some distinct memories also come to mind when retailing experiences of my mother as a flight attendant. When I was young, I remember all the times I would insist on waking up at ungodly hours to accompany her to the airport. I remember all the times I would try to hide myself in her suitcase so she might unknowingly take me with her, child endangerment be dammed. And I remember all the times I would watch from the backseat of the car as my mother walked past the sliding departure gates at the YVR, as if the airport devoured her. When I pulled away from the airport, I would always be struck with panic. What if that was the last time I would see her? Before she left, I would hold onto her as if it would be our last.

Luckily, the answer to that question to this day has been “it wasn’t”. The experience also was not entirely negative. Thanks to my mother’s work, I have had to opportunity to travel all over the globe for free. Some of my fondest memories were visiting my mother in different locations overseas as a child.

My mother is retired now and is enjoying some proper rest after years in the airline industry. Being older, I can also see just how difficult this job was, especially for mothers with young children. But she did it nonetheless, for our family. For me. And no amount of gratitude could express how grateful I am to have a mother like her.

Sources:

Gif 1) Bake your day - promo video

Photo 1) https://www.thehansindia.com/posts/index/Relationship/2017-05-01/Few-Worst-Long-Distance-Relationship-Problems/296980

Gif 2) https://www.sympathiegestalten.de/Bootstrap/index.html