bigdumdumenergy

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it was beautiful to see your husband and two daughters lay in bed with you and talk about better days, whispering about the future you could see as you walked the line between this world and the next

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here’s what i can’t stop thinking about

the way that your endometrium can grow tumors that spread in your abdomen, creep along your peritoneum, and strangle your bowels until you throw up even your own saliva. then we put a tube in your stomach to vent the bile and you go home on hospice to soak up all the time with your two adult daughters (why is it always two daughters?) that you have left.

the way you can look not very sick

the way you can be at chemo one day and dead 48 hours later

shift change, when your priest and 25 of your family members were singing hymns and i had to lean across you to scan your stupid fucking bracelet to give you morphine, but i felt like i was in a ritual of grief and worship

the vanilla wax melt warmer you had someone bring to your hospital room

i just realized i don’t want to wear my pink scrubs anymore because you called me “a little pink elf” when i came in at 4AM to take your vitals and now you are going to die, at least at home by the fire pit you were telling me about. unlike the woman next door, whose family beckoned me in as soon as i left your room. the doctor pronounced her death at 0415.

mostly, i can’t stop thinking about the man on my assignment who kept calling me to walk him to the bathroom all night when i just wanted to scream “SOMEONE’S MOTHER IS DYING 20 FEET THROUGH THIS WALL!!!!”

and how i’m supposed to be able to hold this all in my heart.

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things i wish i would’ve said to the 20something decision making child of my first dead patient

you did such a good job taking care of your mom

it was a privilege to witness the love that surrounds your family

thank you for allowing me to be part of this difficult time. i hope that we did a good job

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Night shift TV list

Agents of S.h.i.e.l.d. ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Riverdale

Firefly

Big Love

Star Trek TNG

Fringe

Deadwood

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what i get mad about at work: a young woman crying and throwing up in pain and the doctor won’t call me back

what my partner gets mad about at work: someone put an old movie on the new movies display

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Ceratiomyxa fruticulosa var. arbuscula by Eric Cho

‘arbuscula’ means shrub-like !

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do you think there would be thinkpieces about Barbie if the word patriarchy didn’t appear in the film

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the inevitable has occurred with Barbie: a bunch of media outlets spent weeks gushing about how political it is and now everyone who sees it hates it because they’re expecting an Oliver Stone biopic about a doll

I thought Barbie was funny and beautiful and I deeply appreciate the commitment to hand painted backgrounds and well-dressed sets. Also all the Ken stuff was just supposed to be funny jokes and people are fixated on it like it’s supposed to be a comprehensive screed about feminism. i really think that it’s just supposed to be a veneer that reflects how the beauty of playing with dolls is the ability to project the real world onto them and use that to turn it around in your head and make it make enough sense in your child brain that you can move along. no one who made that movie ever said anything about how it was supposed to change the world with its radical intersectional political messaging. I watched the Letterboxd inspiration interview with Greta Gerwig and she literally only talked about the craft of the film and you could tell that she’s emotionally moved by the visual elements of filmmaking and wanted to create that for us. I think it was wildly successful in that. But i guess some people don’t react emotionally to gorgeous constructed little worlds

also sorry but i don’t think the gynecologist joke was “sex essentialist” which i have a pretty low tolerance for. it’s a fucking callback joke that also shows how excited she is to have a human body. I have personally cared for trans patients who are moved to tears by their first visit to the gynecologist with their new vaginas so miss me with that shit.

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it my birtday

1. clean house

2. thrift store

3. costco

4. ???

it sounds like my day is all errands but i genuinely am looking forward to all of it. is this 30s

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fuck I forgot I have to study for the NCLEX it's been 5 days and all im doing is watching agents of shield

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my party: a toddler’s birthday at a park

my sister’s party: a black tie wedding

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studying for my stupid little licensure exam and listening to Sinéad

I actually don't want to be a nurse, I just want to follow nurses around and not have responsibilities

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