bigmac823-blog

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When your favorite guys follow you back on twitter!! #shook

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Saying goodbye is always tough

[bigmac823-blog]

Just thinking

So I've always been a hopeless romantic. I love Love! Even though I've had many reasons to dislike it. My background is I was born out of wedlock, parents decided when they were pregnant with number 3 that it was time to get married. My brother is 11 months younger than me. So parents were off and on my whole life a history of domestic violence and abuse but when I was 15 they split and divorced, by the time I was 17 my mom remarried and found herself in yet another failed marriage. It seemed like things weren't meant to be so easy. But through it all I've experience good glances of love. I knew a boy once. I was so secretly in love with him. Little did I know he felt the same for me. I met him freshman year in high school he was my brothers best friend. He was my age but he was in my brothers grade. My freshman year he'd meet me halfway and walk me home. He was the sweetest person I ever known. He would check on us when we were alone. His mom was in and out of his life. His brother would beat him up sometimes. It would break my heart. I believe if he was still alive that he could have been my happily ever after. He was smart and bright and had so much potential. I saw him Sunday night and on my way home from school Monday afternoon I didn't see him on my way home. Something wasn't right I knew it. As I walked past one of my brothers other friends he asked if I heard the news? I said no what happened, he told me that James had died. I told him not to play bc I just saw him the night before. I could feel the knots in my stomach. I cried that day. My heart was hurting bc I just knew I'd never be complete again. That day I also found out that he asked my mom if he could be my boyfriend and he also asked my brother his best friend if he could ask me out. But bc he respected his friendship he didn't ask me out. He did the boyfriend things like walk me home and ask me about school. That was my experience with love. This bullshit these dudes are trying to feed me as an adult is just that Bullshit! How hard is it to be honest and sincere. Lies come out with every conversation you share with them. I may not own a house but I do pay rent and all my own bills. I have my own car. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. All my pictures on FB, ig and snap are all me. I don't claim to be skinny bc I'm not. I don't wish to be skinny just healthy. I'm just not understanding why people wheel us in and then go and disappoint. Like damn man my time could have been spent on something more productive. Ugh ok I think I'm done with my rant. Moral of my story is from someone who is single and has had real love and then No love but still has hope for love. Don't stop believing because Love will come your way I hope and pray for it.

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My story

So my story begins All my life I've struggled with my weight I was never a skinny ninny but I'm ok with that now. I've struggled to be accepted and also to find my purpose in life. It has not been easy if I say so myself. So I was born to a Mexican Immigrant and a Polynesian woman. Father was an alcoholic and mother was usually a single mother. I have five awesome headaches I call my brothers lol I love them with all my soul. I am the only girl. I'm the 3rd oldest I'm the "Sister Mom" as my baby brother calls me. I was raised with the mentality that I was to grow up and be good enough for someone to keep. Get it I was to be kept! No I'm not an object though many people started noticing my curves at a young age. I was not interested in that. So I kept myself covered never wanting any kind of attention. After feeling ugly for so long. Self confidence was like minus zero. I was in 5th grade when I had my first crush. Lawd he was cute! I have a habit of writing my feelings down and hiding them away. I thought I hid it good but nope I was found out. But it was ok I guess until you're asked well how do you know if he likes you back? My answer as any 5th grader would innocently answer " he's my friend and he stairs at me and smiles a lot" lol but when you hear "what makes you think he would look at you twice?" That right the shatters your heart to pieces. The next year I was in Jr. high. I get noticed more. Boys really like me but I'm not allowed to notice. How crazy to be this afraid of people. You already think your ugly you have no confidence. Then high school begins. It's even more scary. You move away from the kids you've known your whole life and start in a totally new place with no friends. You're lonely your parents are getting divorced you become the mother to your brothers bc your own mother checks out like she's just not gonna deal today. Smh yet you have school to worry about. You also have kids to worry about it's your sophomore year and your life is falling apart. You make friends become rebellious because life isn't fair and all you want is Normal like everyone else. You get beat up more times than none and most of the time it's not even your fault. Junior year of high you find out your one credit away from senior status you get moved to continuation school! You're going to school with people who've been expelled from school or are bad. Why! Because instead of concentrating on school you're raising kids. But anyway, you got to school and extra curricular class after that in which you have to walk 4. Blocks to school and pray when your class is done that the buss waits for you. Life's not easy. But you finally graduated five months late smh. Anyway graduation comes and goes..... to be continued

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Vacation 2017