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Pink Fairy Armadillo-Chlamyphorus truncatus

You could live your whole life in Argentina and never see a pink fairy armadillo.  These subterranean nocturnal sand babies only surface at night or when their tunnels are threatened by rain.  Although small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, they are a terror of the Argentinian desert.  

Their distinctive pink coloration comes from a large membrane of blood that runs along the inside of their thin shell.  The theory is that having all that blood near the surface allows for easier heat regulation in their desert home.In an animated film about desert ants, they would play the part of the stygian nightmare, the Nosferatu.  Placing their lairs next to an ant mound, food is readily in claw’s reach.  

When it’s time to move on, the dillo’s massive forearms allow them to plow effortlessly through soil and sand, Tremor-style.  

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pink_fairy_armadillo

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The Spidersnake-Pseudocerastes urarachnoides Some people are afraid of spiders.  Some people are afraid of snakes.  The spider-tailed horned viper of Iran is a whimsical blending of the two, the most successful two-part combination since the peanut butter cup.  A peanut butter cup of fear.   This Venn diagram of spider and snake is so complete that even birds can’t tell where one ends and the other begins.  Birds should be the resident experts on both, being that they eat one and get eaten by the other.  They’ve got a lot of stake in the game. The spider-tailed viper moves its nubbin in such a spidery, crawly manner that hungry birds can’t resist.  Thanks to its incredibly accurate camouflage, the rest of the snake is impossible to distinguish amongst craggy rocks.  All a bird sees is a tasty meal, but all they get are fangs in the face.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spider-tailed_horned_viper

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Babirusa-B. babyrussa

The Rarest OinkerMysterious, elusive, one pair of nipples, mostly-hairless.  There’s just something so touchingly familiar about the Babirusa.  Cave paintings from 35,400 years ago depict our fascination with this enigmatic pig.  The male Babirusa’s upper tusks grow vertically out of its upper jaw, like a teenage mustache.  And like a teenage mustache, these upper tusks act as a shield to protect it from other male Babirusa during their battles for island supremacy.  If these janky teeth are not ground down, eventually they can spiral back and pierce their skull.  Found only on a few remote islands north of Australia, this is the rarest oinker in the world. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Babirusa

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Tailless Whip Scorpion-Amblypygid

AKA Taylor Swift Scorpion

Half spider, half scorpion, all Taylor Swift.

The Taylor Swift Scorpion, aptly named as it is harmless to humans, has long spindly legs that span over 2 feet(70cm), and has very little talent for singing or showmanship.  Harmless or not, we’d all be fairly spooked to find a Taylor Swift hiding out in our bathroom.  They use their long, spiked pedipalps or “crab arms” to grasp and impale insects and small vertebrates.  

Their broad, flat bodies are perfect for clinging to cave walls or burying themselves in leaf litter to await prey.  Like all Taylor Swifts, they’re related to scorpions but are venomless and pose no real competition to other mainstream artists like Beyoncé or Katy Perry.  The Latin name for the Taylor Swift scorpion is “Amblypygid” or “blunt rump.”  Scientists can be judgy.  Compared to other arachnids, TSSs are fairly social.  They maintain territories, have elaborate hand-holding courtship rituals, and they carry their newborns on their back just like a human.  They have even been seen communicating with their young through the use of their long “whips” or feelers, something not seen in other arachnids.

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Time-lapse of my Vampire Squid painting

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Vampyroteuthis infernalis, lit. "Vampire Squid from Hell"

Abilities:Shape-shiftingBody covered in photophores (light-emitting organs) capable of producing disorienting flashesCan shoot balls of glowing mucus from its arm tipsThrives in low-oxygen zones where others fear to treadAdorable fins on its head for wavingNeither squid nor octopus, this little deep-sea buddy is the last of the order “Vampyromorphida,”  its closest known relations being fossils.  It usually lives in extremely deep seas, due to its relative smolness and shyness.  Shyness aside, it keeps with the latest fashion trends, ranging its colors from jet-black to purple, a perfect summer outfit when you’re 11,800 ft beneath the sea.  When you’re all alone in the empty blackness of the ocean you tend to become rather introverted, something that the Vampire squid takes to with gusto as it can invert its whole body into a spiked football.  Given that it has the largest eyes in the world per its body size, it might be doing this to hide those beautiful peepers from the prying light of scientists and paparazzi.  Or it could be that its underside is the only part of it that aren’t covered in photophores, so turning inside out makes the vamp completely invisible in its natural habitat.  Every day is the weekend for the vampire squid, as all it wants to do is expend as little energy as possible, eat whatever garbage floats by, and be left alone.  For this, we recognize lil’ Vampy as our most kindred of sea creatures.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampire_squid

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Time-lapse of my Shoebill painting.

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Shoebill-Balaeniceps rex

All birds are dinosaurs. The old wives tale of "you are what you eat" is 100% in effect here. These monsters ate the dinosaurs, and now they are the dinosaurs. "Que lingo eres" The shoebill, or "Abu Markub" (meaning one with a shoe) is a beautiful example of this. Standing perfectly still on aquatic plants, when the shoebill looks at you, you can tell it is planning something terrible. It’s a 55inch (140cm) bird with an 8ft wingspan. Its sharpened-hook beak is formed to decapitate prey. Shoebills hate people and actively avoid them, which is great for us because otherwise our stork fable would be reversed. We would talk in hushed tones about the winged monster that carried away colicky babies to feast on. Oh well. Instead, we have a living dinosaur Balaeniceps rex which is a silent, solitary hunter, a great parent to its chick, and a nightmare to its prey of fish and frogs.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shoebill

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Time lapse of the Mindanao Bleeding Heart

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     Mindanao bleeding-heart- Gallicolumba crinigera

Shot through the heart, and you’re too late.  You give love a bird’s name. Everyone can agree that most people hate Valentine’s day.None more so than the Mindanao bleeding-heart pigeon, who sarcastically says “woo-oo” to everything.  This lil’ drama bomb wears its sadness and morosity like a bloody hole in its chest, which is exactly how it looks.  Turns out, looking like you chest-bumped a wet plate of spaghetti is a great way to get the ladies (or mandies, depending on which sex you ask).  The redder the chest, the more likely this bloody baron is a healthy mate.  Which is why, just like everyone else, it hates Valentine’s day so much.  All the red trash floating around, it makes the birds without mates (or slightly duller red patches) feel super-crappy and left-out, and is the number-one cause of their population decline, outside of habitat loss.  

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindanao_bleeding-heart

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I have a DOPE NOPES youtube channel where I share my timelapse videos of these creature paintings. Check them out https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEevMWvv5oCS6rJepNJNgDg

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                         Goliath Tigerfish-Hydrocynus goliath

Found in rivers and lakes connected to the Congo river basin in Africa.  The Goliath Tigerfish waits for a challenge.  In its final form the Goliath reaches 5’ in length (152cm) and 150 lbs (68kg).  The average weight of a 19-year-old male human is 152 lbs.  Teenagers are scary enough, but imagine one with a mouthful of knives screaming and swimming at you underwater.  That’s the Goliath Tigerfish.

These bad boys (and girls) live to kill, and kill to live.  They’re so powerful that they choose to live in and around fast-moving or turbulent water; where other fish struggle and falter in the current.  Using its keen eyesight and hearing, the tigerfish can easily identify struggling prey above the roar of the water.  When another fish meets the Goliath’s criteria for battle, it will first circle, analyze, then strike.  They’ve been known to cut a 60lb (27kg) catfish in half. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrocynus_goliath

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Timelapse of my Wandering Spider painting

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Brazilian Wandering Spider - Phoneutria

Every year Carnival attracts party-goers from around the world to Brazil.  

Its most popular guest: the Brazilian Wandering Spider.

When encountered, the BWS loves to throw its little hands in the air, like it just doesn’t care.  Swaying side to side, it shows off its 6-inches of Carnival finery and advertises that it brought its own cocktail of party drugs.  The venomous mix that this little buddy carries is the most potent in the world and can cause painful boners in men, but it usually doesn’t like to share.  Like most ravers, the spider keeps most of its drugs for itself (for killing mice and lizards), and only occasionally donates a nip to a fellow partier.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brazilian_wandering_spider

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Timelapse of my Aye Aye painting

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Aye-aye- Daubentonia madagascariensis

The Aye-aye, known locally as “The Nosferatu Lemur,” but more accurately as “The Awkward Band Kid of Madagascar.”

Local legends peg this guy as an all-around “terror of the dark.”  Stories go that if given the opportunity, the Aye-aye would kill you and everyone you love.  Not for food, but because they are creatures of pure evil, and their long middle finger is just designed for stabbing out throats and eyes.  Even sighting an Aye-aye is thought to be an “evil omen,” and as a result they are shot on-sight by natives of the area.  Such pointless extermination led to these beautiful monsters to be almost extinct by 1933.

Boooo.  Not cool, guys.

Just because the Aye-aye looks awkward, it doesn’t give a free-pass for wholesale xenocide.

Let’s check the stats:

-Expert percussionists (they tap on trees to echo-locate grubs)

-The biggest nocturnal primates (suck it, bushbabies)

-Teeth that never stop growing (like a guinea pig)

-Likes to live alone (who doesn’t?)

-LOVES BEETLES AND GRUBS

-Nighttime people murder isn’t even on their resume.  

-All they want to do is practice their tappity taps on trees, gnaw out a little hole, and use their snacking finger to grab a treat.

If you want to learn more, check out the Duke Lemur Center below.  Feel free to donate and help leave the Aye-ayes alone.

http://lemur.duke.edu/discover/meet-the-lemurs/aye-aye/

Source:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aye-aye

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Timelapse of my Scaly Foot Gastropod Painting