bigscarybastardplant

[bigscarybastardplant]

So bored I'm sketching giant hogweed

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[bigscarybastardplant]

It's June and you know what that means gay plants giant hogweed is in full bloom and I am full of hatred for it.

Went through Hull on the train last week and oh boy do they have an issue with the bastard plant (here's a real janky video of it cos I took it on the train and had to massively slow it down)

This was only a small section of it too, it's growing all around the train station, absolutely disgusting

[bigscarybastardplant]

Really bored at work so here is my brief and slightly unhinged review of a collection common umbellifers found in the British isles:

First up Cow Parsley

It's pretty, delicate and completely benign. You can eat it but apparently it tastes mostly of grass with only the slightest of parsley flavour. I am going to deduct points from it though as there's always so much of it and it causes me a bit of hay fever. 7/10

Wild Carrot

Totally safe, edible, tastes like a carrot, literally is just a carrot. Also has a really pretty umbel with a dark purple or red flower right at the center of it. 9/10

Wild Parsnip

You might be thinking, well I'm sure this one will score highly, surely it's just a parsnip like the wild carrot, it can't be harmful? WELL YOU WOULD BE WRONG! THIS PLANT IS A BASTARD! Yes you can eat the root as that is just a parsnip but the rest of the plant (like giant hogweed) secretes phototoxic sap and can and will burn you with it. I'm giving it a slightly higher score because I like the yellow colour of the flowers and it doesn't grow too big. 3/10

Wild Fennel

Safe, edible, it's just fennel. I like the colour of the flowers and the shade of green on the stems, it's very aesthetically pleasing to me. However it can get quite big and also I don't really like the flavour of fennel so 6/10.

Poison Hemlock

I hate this plant almost as much as I hate giant hogweed, like just look at it, the shape of it all really unnerves me. It is highly toxic and is actually what was used to kill Socrates. It looks a bit like cow parsley when it first grows but it isn't as fuzzy and also smells really bad so you at least know not to eat it. Anyway I hate it. -3/10

Hemlock Water Dropwort

The most poisonous plant on the British isles. It's very much a bastard as it has a very similar appearance to celery or parsley and people have eaten it as they mistook it for either one. It also has quite a nice scent, especially compared to poison Hemlock, which is another way it tricks people into consuming it. ALSO it grows EVERYWHERE like any water way in the UK probably has this plant growing near it, and it's quite big and freaky when it's in flower. -10/10

Common Hogweed

I don't really know how to feel about common hogweed. On the one hand it's appearance reminds me a lot of it's larger cousin, it also contains phototoxic sap (although it is far less concentrated than in giant hogweed, and you need to actually break the plant to get the sap on you) but on the other hand it is such a common plant and is mostly harmless, also foragers swear that it is the tastiest plant to forage, and I am intrigued by this, I dunno I guess I'm giving it 3/10.

Giant Hogweed

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU! I mean if you follow this blog you already know how I feel about this plant. This plant is the biggest bastard of them all. Why does it need to be that big? That scary? Why is it dripping with sap that will burn your skin off? Also this is the only plant on the list that is not native to the UK and no matter how I feel about the others at least they all have a place in the eco system. BUT THIS BASTARD!? Not only is it harmful to humans and animals it's also harmful to the environment, out competing native plants and destroying river banks, it truly is the worse, god I hate it so much. Anyway going to stop here cos I could keep ranting but I think I've made my point clear. -100/10 FUCK YOU!

[bigscarybastardplant]

[bigscarybastardplant]

Oh holy shit they found Silphium alive and growing in the wild.

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Is it weird that I want to go to the Caucasus mountains just to see giant hogweed growing in its native habitat? Every time I see it in the UK it looks so out of place and that just adds to the uncanny and otherworldly nature of this plant, but in its natural habitat it might look like it belongs? IDK I can't find any pictures of it growing in its native range.

[bigscarybastardplant]

I've always seen this plant as a triffid

Weird Inspiration

I’m making entries for a giant hogweed variant for the Chikorita line and I’m really tempted to make these things three legged as a reference to The Day of the Triffids.

Would that be too weird or obscure?

[bigscarybastardplant]

just imagine that the b.mordicana experiment at vault 22 had used hogweed instead of carnivorous plants. nothing says biochem warfare quite like a hyperinvasive caustic megaflora

[bigscarybastardplant]

Tales of carnivorous plants are one of the favorite staples used by adventurers and story tellers. When it comes to fictional stories or tall tales, one of the go-to’s for making a strange place seem even more alien and dangerous is to toss in flesh-eating plants. If one were to believe every story they heard around the campfires and bar tables, then apparently 90% of our world is coated in bloodthirsty grass and meat-loving trees. Now I am not saying that such creatures do not exist. They totally do. I am just saying that their numbers and prevalence has been blown completely out of proportion. Yes, Ya'De'Vorrs are plant monsters that eat people, but they are very few and far between. Lost Souls do exist, but they are only found in certain, warped forests. Out in the jungles, there are several species of plants that feed upon blood and flesh, but they usually feed upon small primates and reptiles, rather than machete-wielding explorers. The tales of carnivorous plants are not things I am fed up with. I am not trying to tear them down or mock them. Instead, I am trying to point out how tame they are. Compared to the vicious ways of a Ya'De'Vorr, being digested by some plant isn’t so bad. Dare you even compare it to a Giant Bloodsbane, and you would find being eaten to be a very pleasant way to go. At least that gives you the mercy of death… Giant Bloodsbane are just as rare in the wild as a Ya'De'Vorr. Their existence is scattered across the globe, their numbers few and far between. Even with such a low population, there are still too many Giant Bloodsbane alive today. They are an extremely cruel and deadly species, with their sheer existence causing unspeakable torture and pain. If I could pick one species to be wiped off this planet, the Giant Bloodsbane would be my first pick.

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Some good info on the bastard plant I'm in the UK but it's basically the same story here, was bought over as an ornamental plant and got loose

Giant Hogweed

This plant was originally introduced to the United States as an ornamental garden plant, Giant hogweed (Heracleum mantegazzianum). It has been federally classified as a noxious weed.

It is an invasive species that has spread throughout many states in the Eastern and Northwestern United States, including New York, threatening native species, causing soil erosion and posing a threat to humans with phototoxins in its sap.

It can grow up to 14 feet, has lobbed leaves up to 5 ft wide, large white umbal flower clusters up to 2 feet wide, sprouts in spring, blooms in summer, and grows in rich moist soil.

Skin that comes into contact with the sap becomes extremely sensitive to sunlight, resulting in burns that cause severe, painful blisters and scarring. Sap in the eyes can cause blindness. Contact with the bristles on the stem or broken leaves and plant parts exposes you to the dangerous Giant Hogweed sap.

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[bigscarybastardplant]

I hate this plant so fucking much, it just turns up and ruins my summer, if I wasn't so fucking scared of it I'd go beat it up (whilst wearing a hazmat suit obvs)