biipolarities

[biipolarities]

it kinda feels like i'm slowly being written off of my best friend's life and it hurts a lot

[biipolarities]

maybe the real issue is that i'm too lonely but i refuse to make new friends. i fully believed that i was still in that phase where replying to messages were a struggle — until an old internet friend came back, and we dmed for days and i looked forward to it each day. until they, presumably, became busy with their irl stuff that they didn't message much again. and i feel that pang of loneliness again, of wanting to talk but not wanting to bombard anyone with too much messages they may not be interested in. it had felt so exciting, so liberating, to have someone i knew would listen to me again. and now it feels like i lost it again and i'm back to feeling lethargic, lonely, awful.

there had been multiple people who had shown signs that they were willing to listen to me ramble, but for years i had not taken any of those offers. out of fear, i suppose? i've never been good at building deeper friendships and i guess it's manifesting again. keeping everybody new at arm's length.

i should fix it. but i'm too conscious to message the other people who surround me online, because my interest in the media that brought us together has long since faded. the bridge that could've brought me from indulging in shared interests to talking about anything, everything else, is gone now and i'm not sure how to sustain a conversation without it.

[biipolarities]

i feel dizzy. i knew, of course, that the likeliness of pedophiles sharing material among themselves is high. but having it shoved in my face like this… i feel dizzy. i feel dirty all over again. i keep telling myself it’s not the same, that the situation differs pretty significantly. but. in the end, material is material, isn’t it? would it matter to those sick assholes? it’s still. i’m still—

i wonder how many have seen. knows my dirt. knows my name to go with it.

i keep thinking about that twitter account, from a decade ago. impersonating me. using a picture of myself that none of my irls would have known about. but they. they knew of the existence of my personal twitter. two different, separate aspects of my life — that person knew of both. did they know? have they seen it? what would have they done if i hadn’t discovered and reported it? i don’t know. i don’t know. everyday i live in fear of them coming back. everyday i live in fear of that dirt being revealed to the world. to my world.

i’m so dizzy. i’m so tired.

this show is straight up tackling pedophilia huh .

[biipolarities]

this show is straight up tackling pedophilia huh .

[biipolarities]

[biipolarities]

abandonment issues are sooooo funny. "i'm scared people will leave me so i push them away and leave them first to avoid being hurt" girl the prophecy is self fulfilling!!! the sabotage is coming from within!!! you forgot about the cycle!!!!!!!!!

[biipolarities]

no because i really thought that a better, more stable mental health would help me return to writing again.

but if anything, it's just harder.

[biipolarities]

an old hyperfixation is unexpectedly coming back in full force and it's... difficult to deal with.

my relationship with this fandom and interest is far too intertwined with my experiences as a fic writer. i thought i've moved on from writing... i have lived a quiet, peaceful life without it or any yearning for it in the past two years. but now i feel it again. it's back and it's returned as a heavy weight in my chest in every waking moment.

i just want to peacefully indulge in this interest again. catch up to everything i've missed out on in the past 6 years.

but every time i engage with it, i remember. and i can't handle it. i miss writing so much. i miss sharing fics so much. i miss being free. i miss not struggling with the one passion i've ever held dear to me.

i can't believe i'm back here. it hurts. everyday, it hurts again. it hurts knowing that it's not the same and it will never be the same.

it makes me want to write again and i HATE IT. because i know i'm setting myself up for disappointment and even more hurt. i want to MOVE ON with my life, forget that a writer version me ever existed. i don't want to ever cry about this anymore. i don't want to yearn for it anymore. it just hurts every time.

[biipolarities]

like there comes a point where you think something is fundamentally wrong with you. and then it turns out it’s just Friday and you haven’t washed your hair in three days and maybe you’re also just a little lonely and the combination of all three of those things is whittling a hole into your chest every time you breathe. but also the sun’s up. and you’ve survived everything so far, so you’ll survive this too, even if it hurts, even if you have to survive it many times.

[biipolarities]

shout out to people who's family isnt entirely bad or entirely good, but something in between and you dont know how to feel about them. you feel angry but you also feel guilty, because you know they genuinely love and care about you, but sometimes they show it in a way you know its not okay. your feelings are valid, your anger and sadness and grief are valid, and you dont have to prove this to no one. bigger shout out to those with memory issues who know something isnt right but can't recall all of the bad events, only the feelings, which only increases the guilt.

[biipolarities]

Reposting this because I need to materialize it somewhere.

[biipolarities]

i dont understand people’s perception of friendship anymore. do you only want to get to know people on a surface level? just for cute instagrammable moments? 

do you not care deeply about them and understand that they are complex human beings who experience a range of emotions?

your friend being vulnerable with you is not trauma dumping. you don’t have to be a grief counselor to be there for your friend while they cry about a loved one dying. or just a rough time they’re having.

i mean, do you only have deep discussions with a therapist and not friends or family? if so, that’s weird tbfh and not utilizing therapy properly.

it’s all so incredibly bizarre to me. everyone’s always talking about yearning and loneliness, but if a friend starts to cry about their dying grandma it’s like, “oop, girly i dont have the Headspace for that. here’s my discount code for betterhelp.com” weirdo shit tbh

[biipolarities]

i feel like im gonna burst with so many emotions and i want it to STOP make it STOP I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW

[biipolarities]

ive made myself incredibly sad and im trying to distract from all the thoughts and i thought i was pretty successful at that but now i feel faint and like i want to throw up

[biipolarities]

desperately wanna adopt the mindset that its not my problem and that i should just care less, but doing that would leave my nephew in a position similar, but possibly worse, to the one i was in, growing up

[biipolarities]

sometimes i still think about senior high and get choked up with tears. i wanna forget about that part of my life so bad. i wanna forget who i was and what i was going through at the time.

objectively, it's probably not that bad. i could have had it worse. people have had it worse. but i just felt like i was being attacked on all aspects of my life and i was constantly isolated by my brain into taking them all on my own.

[biipolarities]