bikediyim

[bikediyim]

i'm in a bus heading to the airport. almost full.

people.

the only empty seat is next to me.

no surprise. i have always nothing beside me. in general.

it's mark eliyahu playing in the background. i feel it inside me.

the music. the sound.

sitting too far from the people.

no surprise. i'm always far away. too much.

that means loneliness.

insufficiency. i guess.

minus. one minus one. zero.

it's a huge sense of emptiness.

no surprise. i'm always a sense of emptiness. full of.

[bikediyim]

[bikediyim]

Passion (Jean-Luc Godard, 1982)

[bikediyim]

I can’t escape from you, because the only true thing I will ever feel is my love for you.

[bikediyim]

Monica Bellucci in “La Riffa”, 1991.

[bikediyim]

i’m definitely the girlfriend that rubs your back under your shirt in public just because i miss the feel of your skin

[bikediyim]

congratulations to anyone who has a normal sleep schedule

[bikediyim]

[bikediyim]

i know that u r reading this. (i hope at least)

i miss u. i miss u but there’s nothing to do. i mean, there is literally ‘nothing’.

i cant do anything. i’m completely lost. 

i know that u love somebody else now, and i’m not the one that you miss, but that’s not a big deal. don’t worry, i’m coping with it well. i’m doing well. except i see you in my dreams almost every night. and the feeling when i wake up just sucks. but that’s okay too. i’m coping with it well.

if u wonder how i am, i’m ok. just trying to make my mind busy with some things, some people, some food, some water, some teacher things, idk, anything.

the good news about me is that i’m slowly healing. u know that i’ve been struggling with my mental illness for a long time, and maybe this illness fucked our relationship up. it screw me up too. anyway, i came across a good doctor who helped me a lot. we’re making some progress with him. i’ve already changed a lot. i would like you to see me healing as u told me how much u wanted to see me being healed. 

if u ask me why i dont text u at all, i just cant and couldnt do that before. i have many reasons. i was trying to pull myself together really hard, and i didnt want to go back where i started again. cuz if i had texted u, i would have felt very very bad. anyway, all these things are not important at all now, just know that i always wanted to talk to u but never could find that courage in me. 

even if u didnt see this post, i was just relaxed to tell how i feel as i cannot tell anybody. i didnt write this expecting anything from u. it was just to feel relaxed.  i really needed to unburden myself. this is how i could communicate with u. just writing. talking to myself.

i know u are very happy with ur life now, and i’m also happy to see u like this, being happy and peaceful. i hope u will be always happy. i hope u will have that beautiful smile on ur face. 

take care,

dont be sick, 

stay healthy (eat some fruits)

..

[bikediyim]

vkfjvgfhvbfjkf

aynada kendi kendimle konuşuyorumdur

[bikediyim]

[bikediyim]

Portrait of a Lady on Fire / 2019 / Céline Sciamma / src

[bikediyim]

“You smiled to me and I thought: Damn, I’m fucking in love with you.”

— (via itcuddles)

[bikediyim]

love scene no. 2

[bikediyim]

[bikediyim]

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