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LADY, DON'T FALL BACKWARDS
For fifty bucks a day, plus my expenses –
You’ll get a dick so hard-boiled he’s like stone.”
“And if you don’t like hard-boiled, I’ve got scrambled –
Excuse me Mrs Lake, there goes the phone.”
“Hullo? – Yeah Marlowe speaking – What? – You’re kidding!
Don’t touch him! – Don’t touch anything at all!”
“I’ll be along as soon as I can get there –
You’ve made my evening! – Nice of you to call.”
“I’m sorry Mrs Lake I’ve urgent business.”
“I have to go cross-town, and right away.”
“Why don’t we talk this over in the morning?
Things might look kind of different in the day.”
“That won’t be necessary Mr Marlowe.”
She rises and her hem conceals her knees.
“As long as you can guarantee discretion –
I think that I can more than meet your fees.”
Alone – I count her thousand bucks retainer –
And wonder can I stop on route for food.
Before I leave I raid the office bottle –
Its contents didn’t do me any good.
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THE BEFT THING FINCE FLICED BREAD
Me Lord, the Earl of Fandwich
Furveyed a fluttering hand.
Ten thoufand guineaf wagered,
And every rod hif land.
A footman played an overture
Upon the dinner gong.
That old familiar “Pavlov” piece –
The “Come and get it!” fong.
“A pox upon your dinner man –
Go caft it in the bin!”
The gouty Earl vouched fafe thif oath
Twixt copiouf draughtf of gin.
“No man shall rife for vittlef –
Till all be loft or won.
He knew he held a winning card –
(The Baker – Mr Bun.)
“The Devil take thee Fandy –
A feller haf to eat!”
Put in the Duke of Fomerfet –
“I’m partial to me meat!”
“I’ll give thee goodly fuftenance –
Forthwith – Tout de fuite af well.”
Allowed the warm Lord Fandwich –
“Or I’m no belted Earl!”
“Hey fteward – Hie thee hither –
And fetch me forth a loaf –
Of thinly fliced white “Kingsmill” –
And fet it by this oaf!”
“But firft fmear every furface –
Now mark ye man - make hafte –
With imitation butter –
Half fat – yet all the tafte.”
“You’ll find withal a favoury –
Entitled “Fandwich Fpread” –
Which prithee plafter plentiful
Between each flice of bread.”
That good and faithful ferving man
Performed af he waf bid,
And bearing faid comeftibles
Back noifelessly he flid.
Ergo we have THE FANDWICH ! –
Of culinary fame –
Methinkf – I’m glad Lord Fhitpantf -
Were not that noble’f name./
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WINNIE THE PEE
Winnie the Pee was a Bear of very little brain - And even less bladder capacity.
One day he was walking in the hundred acre wood with his best friend Piggy -
“Isn’t it a lovely day Pee?” said Piggy - “Pee ? Pee? - Where are you Pee?”
“I’m just behind this tree.” Said a muffled voice.
“Not again?” Said Piggy - “I told you not to drink all that Cocoa.”
“It’s all right for you Piggy - You never need to go.”
“Oh no. - When they sewed me up they didn’t give me one of those.” Said Piggy pointing - “Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an anatomically correct fluffy toy before. Oh do put it away Pee, you’ll catch a cold or something. Oh look - there’s Haw Haw - Hullo, Haw Haw !”
“Hullo, Piggy, where’s our leaky friend today?”
“He’s right here …. Pee? - Pee?”
“Oh what is it now?” a muted voice from behind another tree - I’m very busy.”
“Busy?” Said Haw Haw sarcastically - "Doing what?”
“Well - If you must know.” Said Pee. “I’m helping the hundred acre wood to grow.”
“Before you get through, Pee, it will be a two hundred acre wood!” Said Haw Haw shortly.
“Oh look - Here comes Christopher Wren - Hullo Christopher Wren. Said Piggy.
“Hullo Piggy, Hullo Haw Haw - Where’s Pee? I want a word with him.”
Piggy and Haw Haw looked at each other - “He’s behind that big tree.” Said Haw Haw.
“Oh, Right oh!” said Christopher Wren whistling cheerfully as he walked behind the tree.
“Hey! - Watch out Pee.”
“Sorry, Christopher Wren “But you did take me by surprise you know - Never mind - it’s a good job you were wearing your big gumboots.”
“Yes.” Said Christopher Wren. “Wasn’t it ?” Shaking his feet in turn.
“I say.” said Pee emerging. How about a game of Pee sticks?”
Piggy, Haw Haw and Christopher wren exchanged furtive looks and looked at their feet - “Er - No thanks Pee.” Said Christopher Wren - “Let’s all visit Rook, he’ll probably have some nice Honey for tea.”
“I’d rather he had a nice public lavatory," said Pee morosely.”
“Cheer up Pee - if anyone can help you then Rook can - He’s the cleverest animal in the Hundred acre wood.” Said Christopher Wren.
The four friends made their way to Rook’s strange abode in a hollow tree - Only stopping three times on the way.
When they had explained Pee’s predicament Rook smiled knowingly - “I think I can sort you out Pee.” He said.
“Oh, could you Rook? I’d be most grateful.
“Certainly, certainly - Just step inside my hollow tree for a second - That’s it, stout fellow.”
Rook pulled a curtain across the entrance.
There was a strangulated gargle - Then Pee came out quite puce in the face.
“Sorry - I - I have to go. Said Pee hobbling painfully away.
“What did you do, Rook ?” asked Christopher Wren.”
“Oh that!” said Rook, casually lighting a Woodbine. “Nothing much. I just tied a little knot in it.”/
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CORONATION ODE
They came by pogo stick and tube, to Loyal London Town -
To see their Liege and Emperor - Nick all, not quite screwed down.
Herded by the thousands - Millions more watch on TV
The Met’ watch all the watchers by A.I. - C.C.T.V.
Behold - A costly spectacle - No change in who’s to rule -
In this - The country of the blind - (The one eyed man’s a fool.)
No news at all occurred today! All planes refused to crash -
No Murders - Rapes or Wars took place - To mar our Regal Bash.
“Zadok The Priest” - Rings out abroad - The Organ’s mighty thrum -
An entourage of Spiv’s and Tart’s - Each osculates the bum.
The crowds who've had their brains washed clean by God’s relentless rain -
Observe their Ruler and his Bird, embezzle their domain.
They wave their soggy Union Flags - And very gently steam.
(A clever move on someone’s part to make it Cowboy themed !)
The King wears Gold Chased Spudguns, on the John Wayne Belt of State.
The Queen rides "Trigger" up the aisle - No way they’ll abdicate.
The Witch Doctors turn out in force, recite the magic words -
Anoint with God’s own axle grease * (Well shaken but not stirred.)
All hatchets, briefly out of sight - Barabas freed from jail.
The I.R.A. attend to show, no one’s “Beyond the Pale.”
Inclusive - Each minority (Or, those bereft of sense)
Are represented - Token lite - In lieu of recompense.
The Telly deconstructs the day - But nothing much get's said -
The Great and Good apparently agree and nod their heads -
Approved - Non controversial stuff - On one thing all concur -
“GOD SAVE KING HENRY CRUN THE FIRST! AND MINNIE BANNISTER!”
2 x Parts - WD40 - 1 x Part - Mary Queen of Scots Tears - 5 x Parts - Distilled essence of 300 years of Slavery./
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