bincognit0 - Tumblr blog

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Momoe Yamaguchi

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Ballet Scene, Giselle Act II, Alicia Markova ❦ Interval at the Opera by Georges Jules Victor Clairin ❦ The Dying Swan by Vladimir Tretchikoff

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Jourdan Dunn x Cannes Film Festival (2023)

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my new muse.

I want her and I will have her. the end.

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out & about + self-discovery.

what a day.

first, we dropped off our fur baby at my parents. it truly felt like we were dropping our kid off to have a proper date night. next, we hit this small diner. the bar sitting wrapped around the kitchen. service was quick and it was a unique experience. we ended with some apple pie, by then I was too stuffed. but, the ice cream was amazing.

another major component to our date was the film, poor things. i was deeply intrigued by all the buzz. to be honest, i very much wanted to watch anyone but you. but, i wanted to keep that to myself. truthfully, i wanted to pick the movie that would make me seem the most interesting to my husband. and for once, i'm not mad at that. we had to drive back to our city to be able to watch it because all the seats in downtown were already sold.

before we left, we stopped for a quick coffee. the place i wanted to go to was part barbershop and park coffee shop. and, that right there should've been my sign. to begin with, parking was a bitch and the neighborhood was sketch. once inside, the place had an odd smell. it was a weird mix of hair and coffee, except it produced an odd scent resembling neither. also, the bathroom situation sucked. it just felt exposed. not tucked away in some hallway. i didn't like it.

we drove in traffic for some time until we finally arrived to a nearby theater. the film was terrific. i'm so happy i went down that route. my husband and i went into it blindly and we were more than happy with the outcome. we enjoy doing that, and more often than not, it yields good results. afterwards, we stopped to pick up wine. when we got home, we started the docuseries, twin flames on netflix. it was crazy. we watched the first episode with popcorn, and moved on to watch forgetting sarah marshall.

it is now nearly 4am and i can't sleep. in my restless condition, i began to look for light pink blushes. i have a medium skin tone, so they either look ashy or somehow too orange. buying any makeup requires a bit of research as a brown girl. i succeeded and i can't wait to try them. i also went overboard and bought 5 charlotte tilbury lipsticks and one lipliner. some are minis so, i don't feel too bad.

i mean, i don't feel too-too bad. looking good is an investment well worth my money and time. i feel good and then my husband can't get enough of me. today, i got all dolled up again, only this time-i experimented with my look. i wore these low-rise true religion flare jeans, a black cropped tee, black cardigan, and platform boots that made me look like a bratz doll. my hair and makeup was done to the nines, and i had a cool red italian leather purse to seal the deal. i was on cloud nine.

i finally took out some of my winter wardrobe. it's finally cold enough to use it, only to discover that it was not what i anticipated. in my mind, i thought i was to unpack all of this heat. i was wrong. i only found some items i liked, some to hem, some of my staples and basics. this happens a lot. i have struggled with personal style for a very long time. my husband had to help me pick my outfit because i was doing a god-awful job at it.

i want to change that. i can feel myself connecting to my femininity. i also feel like dropping some acts. i used to think making somewhat cringey jokes to emulate cringy things (?) was funny and now i don't feel like doing that. that probably sounded weird, but sometimes i use the stupidest humor and i've realized most people go with it, but now, i can totally see them laughing at me when i'm not around. i just feel like being more cool, calm and collected? i hope it lasts. maybe its my age? like something finally clicked?

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easy.

today has been a nice and easy day. for the first time in a long time, I felt the urge to do my hair and makeup. just because. i'm losing weight rapidly and it's becoming noticeable-in a good way. i feel slightly more confident. watched LA confidential. it was confusing yet entertaining. i feel myself slowly reconnecting with myself. writing on here, as i did many years ago. watching films.

folded my husband's laundry while i watched. afterwards, i had therapy. i'd been avoiding it for a couple of weeks. i no longer want to do it. i like my therapist and we did good work today. but, at times i want to function as is. i'd like that hour to myself every week and i want to feel normal-instead of hyper fixating on my flaws, character traits, triggers, etc.

she did give me a good suggestion, well-homework assignment. i struggle with feeling lonely often. i don't have friends outside of work. no long lasting friendships. i ruined those. and after all this time, i learned i gravitate towards one extrovert and they are my gateway to more friendships. i never learned how to make friends on my own.

as i was saying, her homework for me was to take a single art class and try to make friends, or be more social at least. ideally, we wanted to sign me up for a reoccurring art class but none coincided with my schedule. plus, i am an avid giver-upper. and complainer. so i might be into it at first, find out i suck and never turn back. do the bare minimum, somehow be angry at everyone else. trust me, i know how weird it sounds.

so, we settled on an easier task. some toe-dipping. a single session art class. i began to research art classes and landed on pottery. i've always been interested in it. only took one semester of it in high school and i didn't learn diddly squat. found a cute studio with reasonable prices, and i booked my session. it's this saturday. i'm very excited.

one of the reasons i am excited to do this, is to show to my husband that i can be spontaneous and that i'm capable of willingly leaving our little lair. we've had a little funk but it feels like we're coming out of it.

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Julia Fox, Uncut Gems

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西游朽

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everything changes.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out how to set up my custom theme on here. Everything seems so different on this platform, which is inevitable since time and technology breed change.

As of late, I've felt drawn to exist in a space online that is only mine. Oh, to be but a speck in the vast digital sphere. Seemingly offline to those around me, but present here. Tucked away in a corner of the internet, where no one can find me. A white dot in the starry night sky.

A breath of fresh air. Everything in my life is also changing and I need something to hold on to.