binibiningdoktor - Tumblr blog

[binibiningdoktor]

any wildest fantasies?

being loved or something

[binibiningdoktor]

[binibiningdoktor]

[binibiningdoktor]

Limang taon ang sinugal mo sa kanya. Dalawang buwan na lang ang hihintayin niyo, ikakasal na kayo. Isang araw, bigla ka niyang sasabihan ng, “sorry, pinilit ko naman na mahalin ka, pero wala talaga.” Ang gulo. Hindi ko maintindihan. Ang daming tanong. Hindi ko alam saan magsisinula. Putangina. Tapos malalaman ko ngayon na kinasal ka na sa babaeng pinagdududahan ko mula rati. Hindi ko lubos maisip na mangyayari sa akin ito. Hahahaha. Nakakatawang isipin. Mababaliw na yata ako. Pero mas masakit pa rin yung sa kathniel. 😢

[binibiningdoktor]

Can december fix everything that went wrong in this year?

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[binibiningdoktor]

Naalala ko mga ten years ago, kinacareer pa natin ang tumblr. Ngayon palipas oras na lang.

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[binibiningdoktor]

To crave a person’s presence instead of their body is the purest form of intimacy.

[binibiningdoktor]

I always seem to jump back and forth between trying to be a religious person and being garbage

[binibiningdoktor]

reblog if you don’t lift but you still have strong muscles from carrying the weight of your sins

[binibiningdoktor]

I was browsing my journal and saw my entry for Jan 6, 2020. It brings back emotions I have never felt for a while now, and lemme share you some parts of it.

“I guess I’ll be one of those people cheering for the people we can’t have. Now this is what it really feels to feel love. To feel that it could have been me. Funny, ‘cause I’m just denying all these feelings since I can remember.

Some people just have the courage to confess their feelings for some, but I’m not one of those. I guess it’s because I’m not ready yet and that I’m scared. Well, this is my fate for now and I have to accept it.

I’m still hoping that one day, in a different time and fate, I can face you and confess all that I’ve written here and those that I didn’t.”

[binibiningdoktor]

what's your type ?

someone who wants me as much as I want them

[binibiningdoktor]

something i've been thinking a lot about is that just surviving is often both the least rewarding recovery experience and also the absolute most critical skill.

i think many of us have spent the last few years of our life just... holding the line. our legs trembling under all that weight. many of us backslid in the sand; and that was agonizing. we have spent so much of our life pushing, and to be forced backwards... we are already so exhausted. it is unimaginable to think we must remake the progress that had already been hard-won.

there's a graph that exists of how you can roughly expect any artistic skill to grow. we all go through periods of rapid growth and discovery; only to plateau. there is often a little sorrow in the plateau, because we're not moving quickly. we don't see those huge strides. there's no obvious sense we're learning.

but the art we're making in that plateau matters. it can still be effective, evocative, exciting. you can still feel inspired, happy, creative in that plateau; because the skills you have are growing, it's just that you're a spot where you don't need to focus on skill-building, you've finally reached a place where you can focus on actually making things. and at some point, without you expecting it, and as long as you work for it - another sharp increase in skill will happen. if you ask any of us how we did it, most of us would tell you the same thing: i just kept trying.

i have spent a lot of my life believing that just-surviving was the same thing as stagnating. i don't have any tangible goals or desires and the idea of making longterm plans makes me want to set my hair on fire. i am fucking tired. i don't want another year of scrambling, of falling down, of slipping in the mud. I love my friends, but i'm watching them settle down, have a life, get what they want: and i'm still here, in the part where i beg my life to be barely functional.

i think... maybe this whole time it wasn't standing still. it was still learning. it was still growing. i just got used to the plateau and forgot that "even surviving" isn't something i used to be able to take for granted. that in all this horrible, thankless effort - certain things are easy enough now. i can forget them.

i have spent so much time hating that i'm not getting better faster. i forgot that it used to be unthinkable to me to even consider recovery. these last years; i've been comparing my plateau to my eras of quick-discovery. i've been unfair to myself. no, the progress isn't as obvious. that doesn't mean it's not still-happening.

we make the mistake of saying "this year i want to live, not just survive," as if the effort of just surviving is useless, or could be shrugged off. the effort of surviving is beautiful. your years spent like barely-here are enough. you're not wasting time. you're not wasting your one precious life. "just holding on" means you were able to actually find and grab the rope. you're here; and the effort of your survival is work. you've been seeking the sky when it used to be impossible to imagine putting down roots. i know it is hard, and i hope you are able to feel better soon. i hope we both reach our next quick-climb. and i know - the weight might never ease up.

it's just that, over time, with effort: we will get strong enough.

[binibiningdoktor]

I hope my heart ends up in soft hands when it decides to love again

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find someone who knows how to love you when you're sad

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reblog to heal the person you reblogged this from