bipolarblatherings

[bipolarblatherings]

Rising Sign is in 19 Degrees Virgo You tend to be very shy and not very self-assertive. You are supercritical about how you appear to others. Even though you may think you are uninteresting and dull, you are actually quite soft- spoken, orderly, neat and very likable. You are a perfectionist with high standards, and at times you can be quite tactless in pointing out the faults of others. Very practical, efficient and purposeful, your appearance and bearing reflect your need to appear graceful, sensible and reserved. You have a crisp, no-nonsense approach to dealing with others. Never lazy or self-indulgent, you tend to be dedicated to the work ethic. Sun is in 02 Degrees Sagittarius. Very fun-loving, spirited and energetic, you have a huge reservoir of physical energy within you that needs to be released. As such, exercise or sports are very important to you. Quite gregarious, you enjoy being with other people, but you tend to avoid emotionally restrictive or intimate relationships. Constantly curious about the broader issues of life, you may at times be quite careless and sloppy about details -- you tend to leap to conclusions before all the facts are in. An avid reader, you are totally enthusiastic about any given subject should it interest you. You are known for being idealistic, generous, sociable, cheerful and very positive! Moon is in 25 Degrees Capricorn. You are serious and shy and very uncomfortable in those situations where spontaneous and exuberant emotional reactions seem called for. An achiever, you prefer doing practical, worthwhile things that produce tangible results. You need role models to respect, love and emulate. You tend to feel that you're a failure unless you get an important and highly respected position in life. Don't be so hard on yourself! For you, practical needs always win out over emotional considerations. Remember that you too have the right to comfort, security and love. Dutiful and patient, when you make an emotional commitment, you sign on for the long haul -- your love is long- enduring. Mercury is in 17 Degrees Scorpio. You are a born investigator. You are fascinated by secrets and mysteries and unanswered questions of any kind. When you become upset or angry, your emotional reactions are overpowering -- reason and logic disappear in an uncontrollable passionate outburst. You tend to keep your thoughts secret and bottled up and this makes others regard you with suspicion. It is not that you are trying purposely to be evasive, it is just that you would rather not deal with the explosions and hassles that often occur when you reveal your true feelings and opinions. Your sense of humor tends toward sarcasm and irony. Venus is in 26 Degrees Sagittarius. You are very aware of the need to maintain a high sense of morality in a relationship. Your loyalty and interest will remain constant in any relationship (either friendly, personal or business) that is based on fairness, honesty and justice. But you will become greatly hurt and disappointed if the other person takes any but the high road with you. Also, you cannot tolerate anyone being overly emotionally possessive of you. You are known for your friendly, outspoken manner. Mars is in 00 Degrees Scorpio. Your likes and dislikes are strong and intense, never casual or superficial. You are known for your persistence and willful obsession. Once you have decided on a course of action, you are unstoppable. Your emotional actions tend to be extreme, although you try to keep them muted. You are not quick to anger, you do slow burns. And you tend to release your anger as sarcasm or irony. Beware of your tendency to hold grudges and to be vengeful. When you do fight, or release your internal tensions, you do so body and soul -- you become totally passionate and your outbursts are awesome to behold. Jupiter is in 20 Degrees Aries. The way that you grow and develop is by being an uncompromising individualist. You have a great need to be yourself and to explore your latent talents and abilities. Do not be afraid to let yourself go and develop self-confidence and pride in your accomplishments. But try not to become so self-centered that you ignore the needs of others. Also, you may have to build up your self-discipline in order to focus your energies properly. Saturn is in 21 Degrees Sagittarius. Basically quite conservative, you respect traditional authority figures and are very thankful and supportive of the laws and institutions which govern your life. You learn and accept new ideas only after having very thoroughly examined them. Ideals and abstract concepts are important to you only if they can be used in some practical fashion. You are so practical and so orderly that you have natural skills in planning, administrating and organizing. Uranus is in 25 Degrees Sagittarius. You, and most of your peers, have the tendency to think that all ideas, customs and traditions from the past are outmoded and irrelevant. You are attracted to radically new ideas, philosophies and religions that will, hopefully, cause sweeping changes throughout the world. Neptune is in 06 Degrees Capricorn. You, and your entire generation, will idealize work, practicality and the ability to attain reasonable goals. But, because you will also stress the need to be selfless and giving, you may find it difficult to attain your goals unless you have lowered your expectations on all fronts. Pluto is in 10 Degrees Scorpio. For your entire generation, this is a period of intense research and discovery in areas that were heretofore considered mysterious, remote or taboo. The root causes for many complex occurrences will be unearthed due to the intensity and thoroughness of the search. N. Node is in 00 Degrees Aries. You're at your most comfortable when involved in group activities outside of your immediate family circle. You delight in getting involved with others in neighborhood civic or political activities, especially if you can be a part of the leadership of the group. Your zeal and overabundant energy bring out your real creativity when you can work toward tangible results -- things that will immediately benefit those around you. You have a real gift for getting the most out of charity drives and community benefits. Take time out between projects though, because you tire out easily and your effectiveness becomes greatly diminished when your energy is depleted. Also, don't even think of trying to get involved at a peripheral level -- you need a total commitment to feel personally fulfilled. Let others bake the cookies and set up the chairs -- you should be the one to tell everyone what to do and when to do it!

[bipolarblatherings]

[bipolarblatherings]

[bipolarblatherings]

Ah, but real is so rare.

[bipolarblatherings]

Subterfuge.

You think it’s lost on me that you’re breaking my life?

Maestro, we all know how much blood was shed for me to play first chair.

[bipolarblatherings]

I’ve always liked quiet people: You never know if they’re dancing in a daydream or if they’re carrying the weight of the world.

John Green, Looking for Alaska (via thoughtkick)

[bipolarblatherings]

You’ve time-traveled to walk with dinosaurs.

I’m present in the flesh: an inspirational relic. Oh, but how long dead I am.

[bipolarblatherings]

I wasn’t always this unintentionally highbrow.

My cognitive freebasing had humble beginnings. Now I’m relearning how to play the straight man, thanks to you.

[bipolarblatherings]

In Memoriam: Bryan.

I've been up and down all night - because I always am - and I keep coming back to these photos. I keep just staring. My heart breaks for him, for his daughter, for every telescopic ripple that reaches out from where that pebble can't be un-dropped.

I never dream anymore, but in my fitful sleep of the mentally addled, I saw another image in my mind - tenuous, but clear as day - after my silent, refracted photo-checking vigil on Bryan.

What I saw was a giant, thinner-than-ice-gray (but softer, more like moss-ice, if that were also the color of sad, beautiful ghosts), delicate, spindly form. There was one, perfect, pea-sized touch of roundness in the center. I almost missed it entirely, but my eyes adjusted in the dark. Caught the subtle shades in a cave that felt like a warm, damp, waking dream.

It was a spider. It took up the entire space, but in a non-imposing way. Each part minuscule yet forever reaching - except that one off-center touch of roundness. That understated, perfect capsule, of the life of this magnificent creature.

And as the framework of delicate legs suspended this so impossibly, indulating in perfect angles to pinpoints of poise... I realized these anchors fall onto a giant gossamer structure that I cannot be sure I can even actually see, but I know is there. Maybe it's the fact that my brain has no ability to justify its potential levitation. Maybe it's the warm, damp comfort of this place - that sort of feels more like I'm inside my own lungs than in a dream, but in a strangely more comforting way than you might imagine - but I catch light that is not there touching almost nonexistent thin, needle-threading I-beams akimbo.

This is fever-pitch, but I'm here and it's important. I'm drawn in and nothing within me desires to look away. The impossible angles of this snowflake-unique labor of love and survival are a thing of inconceivable beauty. I'm not sure my heart is beating, but I've never felt more present. Folded in. My breathing matches the pace and feel of the subtle reverberations of this room.

I cannot say how long in awe (or delusion, but this is America and who really cares about semantics?) I stood there. The spider never moved - not that I could perceive - but it quietly commanded the space and drew me into itself; it put me at ease, it put me to rest.

Every life is like that spider. I realize that it is much more reachable to connect the callback of this parallel to the snowflake-web, but that was an understanding more so than an existence, wasn't it?

No, that gorgeous, oft-misunderstood creature. That thing of impossible, unlikely beauty. Every life is like that. Standing on legs capable, but too thin. It's easy to see as vulnerability, but it's really insanely well-developed support. Yes, breakable, but there are seven others from which to carry on. Yes, vulnerable, but lightweight. They have everything they need, and no filler. Literally nothing to slow them down. Life is full of possibilities.

Its quiet consideration, to me, proved some kind of recognition of its own predicament. Giant, fragile, tucked away. But so much to see - if one is looking from the right direction, or invites oneself to look at all. Life is as fraught with magnanimous beauty as it is with inherent peril. It is a miracle as much as it is a preponderance. A burden as much as it is flippant.

Each one is carefully constructed, even if we cannot perceive its working parts. Delicately held by unseen supports for which our minds can make up tapestries if we really put them to it. There's a little capsule there, with everything that truly matters, sitting aloft. Nestled. All of this work is for that bit. Every side glance at aspiration, purpose, meaning, and all of the myriad other things among the accouterments? But who spun that invisible gossamer?

With respect and and love, I back away and answer again to wakefulness.

What a dream. In a way, I touched him.

May he rest in the most absolute peace.

[bipolarblatherings]

I’ve loosed the hounds of delusion.

Let’s see if they come back with a prize. 

[bipolarblatherings]

peekaboo

It’s funny how even 5 minutes can temper a rage. Can take all the wind out of a witch-hunt. How dare I get distracted. That’s the idea, right? You want me obsessed with you. 

I stopped pretending long ago. You very much still are, but in your simpering way, will probably say, “Oh, nooooo -- let’s talk about this.” I’m so beyond talking. I dropped that 19-minute audio file on you as the end of obfuscation. I can see clearly now; the ruse is gone. 

It’s so meta: you’re still riding that bus of pretense. You know I see you there, and that there’s no point, because your story don��t jive... but the martyr you will continue to play, until kingdom come. Quietly sitting. “Do no harm.”

I’ve swung from paranoia to conviction to paranoia. How delightful for you? Oh, wait, I forgot. You “don’t get off on that.” 

Once I saw the depths of your depravity and manipulation, I knew they were there, but I didn’t feel the need to sound them. Are they actually endless? Let’s consider MOs. 

You want me to think I’m nuts, because, clinically: I am. Let me appear to destroy myself, and you can skip away from the scene having had a terribly tragic, very close... friend. I’ll bet there’ll even be a movie-perfect tear in your eye. How tragic, indeed. Poor baby.

I think you can feel me, though, as I feel you. Staring side-eyed across the room. You know that I am not stupid. Do you know that I’m smarter than you, though? I mean, yes, you duped me, but now that my eyes are fully open? The jig is up. It’s been up. It’s a tired old chess game that I walked away from. I left the park. Why must you keep me looking over my shoulder? 

I don’t want to care.

That said, keep poking me with that pointy stick. Who knows if I can really stop you? That boundless depravity. Simpleton wrapped in a genius sack. Sad, really.

The bus has arrived at Thunderdome. Wanna dance?

[bipolarblatherings]

Do you not trust me to craft the tinctures that will make up the mixology of our fates?

My measuring hand may be unsteady, but my zeal for science is exact.

[bipolarblatherings]

Only the brave and the broken are kind in this world.

— Nikita Gill

[bipolarblatherings]

To be honest. I miss the person I was before I met you.

— Philippa A. Madsen

[bipolarblatherings]

Some people appear to be happy, but they simply don't give the matter much thought. Others make plans: I'm going to have a husband/wife, a home, two children, a house in the country. As long as they're busy doing that, they're like bulls looking for the bullfighter: they react instinctively, they blunder on, with no idea where the target is. They get their car, sometimes they even get a Ferrari, and they think that's the meaning of life, and they never question it. Yet their eyes betray the sadness that even they don't know they carry in their soul.

Are you happy?

— Paulo Coelho

[bipolarblatherings]

There was a star riding through clouds one night and I said to the star, 'Consume me'.

— Virginia Woolf, The Waves (Annotated)

[bipolarblatherings]

I'm hurt. I'm lonely. What kind of loneliness? Every kind. I feel disconnected. Abandoned. As always. So what, my love, so what.

— Daul Kim, from Like to Fork Myself