bipolarburnbook - Tumblr blog

[bipolarburnbook]

Ashley doesn’t think I know how salt trucks work in the north.

We were talking about inclement weather and how I thought it was ridiculous that our high school cancelled school once because it was 28 degrees. I used to live in New York and then Missouri where school only got cancelled if it was really really cold or we had 3 feet of snow.

Ashley said “yeah but there’s salt trucks in new york”

Bitch I k n o w

[bipolarburnbook]

Ashley doesn’t use her brain

Ashley is my coworker. Ashley doesn’t understand fucking anything, and asks me idiotic questions about where things are at in our review process. She doesn’t look for herself or think for herself.

Just needed to vent about that.

[bipolarburnbook]

Ashley told me to “suck it up”

I was telling my best friend about how I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. I was complaining about my life, but I threw in a “I have no reason to complain - I’m getting married, I bought a house, and I have more friends than I have ever dreamed I’d have. But it still feels like my life is spiraling out of control.”

And Ashley told me “Sometimes I want to tell you to suck it up but then I’m afraid you won’t tell me what’s going on in your life anymore.”

Ashley’s right.

I don’t want to tell her what I’m thinking now. I feel quite ashamed that my best friend even tells me to suck it up. That’s what I tell myself probably 20 times a day.

[bipolarburnbook]

Ashley looks like she's going clubbing

This morning I'm scrolling Facebook and I see my cousin, Ashley, tagged in some photos from a wedding.

She's wearing thigh high heeled boots and a skimpy black dress with rhinestones.

... to a wedding?

Girl.

I try to figure out where these thoughts are coming from. Maybe I'm jealous that she can pull this off? Maybe I'm jealous of her confidence? I mean, I have been feeling extra negative about my body lately. Maybe this is why I'm so quick to judge her.

I go to text my mom with the text "why does she think this is appropriate?" but stop myself.

I'll post it here instead.

[bipolarburnbook]

Ashley's lip injections make her look like a blow up doll

"Ashley's lip injections make her look like a blow up doll" I say loudly at the dnd party table. "I mean it's a bitchy thing to say but she needs to chill."

One friend agrees.

Another rolls her eyes.

I catch the eye-roll and think about it for the next 24 hours.

I wake up early feeling guilty as hell. I send an apology text to the girl who rolls her eyes with no response. I feel like I'm on my last straw with her. I feel like if I say one more bitchy thing, she's done with me. I've been offending her a lot lately.

I know the past month has been tough for me. Work stress, sudden decrease in my meds, plus my car's been in the shop since October 3rd.

I know this past month I've felt more negative than usual, and I know I hate feeling this way. But I know what it means. It means my manic episode is just around the corner. Maybe that's why I've felt like checking into a psych ward just to have time away from everything would give me some peace?

I feel like I need to simultaneously be better and also give myself grace.

I know Ashley would be pissed if she found out I was talking about her this way. I don't blame her.

But I also can't change that I said it. I can't take it back. So all that's left to do is just wait and bite my tongue.

So I make a blog. A Bipolar Burn Book. Where I can write these shitty thoughts and self-analyze until this passes.