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009 ||

things are okay. i can't believe how long it's taken me to start feeling like myself again. our album comes out in less than a month and i can't believe how excited i am. i got to quit my job so i can just focus on the band. it's really nice. mattys birthday is coming up. i'd like to take him somewhere but i think it's like the day after the album comes out and i have to find out if i have an event or a show.

[birthdvyinla-blog]

008 ||

matty and i are a couple now. i think after all these months it got to the point where i stopped caring about having that title. it was sort of like, he stays at my house, we sleep together every day, we're emotionally invested, so i had to let myself believe that all of that meant more than the title i gave him but him deciding that he wanted that title now seemed like a sign of resolve. he couldn't let himself accept that title before and now if he can that seems like a good sign. i'm not naive enough to think that he still isn't struggling. george said that matty was "settling for someone who doesn't treat him well" and i really don't understand because george had been terrible to matty and he said himself that matty doesn't tell him anything about me and that he didn't know anything about me so where the fuck does he get off assuming i don't treat matty well? i've taken care of matty for months, with no reason other than genuine care and love. i've been the only person who's tried to make sure he was okay, who's helped him in whatever way i could, and he's said himself that i'm better to him than anyone else ever had been. so what gives george the idea that i don't treat him well? honestly fuck george. he can get bent and stay the fuck away.

[birthdvyinla-blog]

i miss all my friends but i feel like a prick being like "hey i know i've hardly paid any attention to you or gave a shit about your life lately but can you pay attention to me" yikes

[birthdvyinla-blog]

007 ||

today i felt normal for the first time in weeks. i went to visit ty at work, i brought him a congratulatory cake after hearing he got signed, you know, working on getting back to being the kind of friend i was before these meds made me numb. niykee came along, she makes me calm. i like just taking her places with me. i feel better when she’s around. we sat in one of the rooms with some instruments and messed around. seeing how talented they both are makes me momentarily question my own craft, i could learn so much from both of them. we played stupid songs and sang and danced and i felt normal and good and happy. like the old john.

and then i came home and was back to this new john that i hate being.

[birthdvyinla-blog]

i miss arizona. i think these grey skies are postponing my progress. i miss the sun.

[birthdvyinla-blog]

nummmmmbbbb

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006 ||

i know i've been distant. i know i've been a shitty friend. i know i've hardly been speaking to joel or mat or zendaya or alex. i know that when i do it's only because one of them initiated a conversation. i know i probably haven't even been paying enough attention to the boy that i love. i just feel like i haven't been myself. i don't really know what else there is to say honestly. i just feel like i've been so off that i haven't even thought about being present. either way, i'm going to try to figure out how to get back to being john. maybe the solution is to stop taking my medication until i get bad again. maybe the solution is to start drinking more again. i don't know. matty and i are off for just a little weekend away. just outside the city, at a little spa resort for his valentine's day gift. i didn't really know what else to get him but a few days locked away together where nobody knows us seemed like a nice idea. maybe i'll get the balls to ask him about all of those things he wanted to fix, probably not though.

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005 ||

i don’t have much to say. i’m not sure if it’s because there isn’t anything going on or because of my medication. i don’t think it’s a very good thing. usually i’m full of words. usually i have a million things to say and i can write paragraphs just about one tiny incident but not anymore. people have started to notice and ask why i’ve been so quiet. i sort of feel like i’m less of myself. i think i’ll stop taking the medication eventually but i think i need to make sure that things are going really well beforehand. typically, i only get bad and need the medication if my life is going downhill or things are bad, and then everything just spirals. when things are good, i can usually get away with not taking antidepressants. i usually don’t take them. but then things go to shit and well…………. we all saw what happened. i don’t know, man. the only thing worth mentioning this week is matty telling me he loved me for the first time. i’m happy. i hope he’s happy. i know we’ve had some ups and downs but i hope he’s doing what he needs to now to make himself feel like he’s worthy of being loved by me. 

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i'm starting to think my new medication just makes me a little numb. i'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing yet.

[birthdvyinla-blog]

i'm a little bit numb, maybe that's good. matty says he loves me, maybe that's good.

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004 ||

not much has changed, my new medication is working a little bit. i’m still a little traumatized from my hospital stay. things with matty are okay, he seems a little distant. maybe i’ve been a little distant too. i dont really know what to do about anything honestly. i miss him. i miss myself almost as much.

[birthdvyinla-blog]

i don’t have any fucking clue how i feel about anything anymore

[birthdvyinla-blog]

i don't have any fucking clue what mattys thinking and it drives me up the wall

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i woke up at 10 am yesterday in the hospital. i guess i kept taking more and more of my meds, thinking the more i took, maybe they’d start working again. and i got scared that i took too many, and then i drove to niykees at 6 am and banged on her door until she answered and then begged her to help me.

the doctors say that i cant leave until i get a psych evaluation and the idea of being alone in a room with a psychiatrist makes me wanna die. i’m terrified. i’m triggered. matty says he won’t let anyone see me until he talks to them first and makes sure that they seem okay, but he can be deceived. my parents were.

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003 ||

where do i start?

as if getting the shit kicked out of me wasn’t enough trauma for a little while. i asked matty if he was doing drugs because the gossip blog called him an addict and he said no.

i had asked matty a million times since we met if he was sleeping with anyone else, before things got serious for lack of a better word, i was just curious. i wouldn’t have been mad. jealous, maybe. but i had no claim over him. the claim i felt i had came from him promising he wasn’t sleeping around, from him promising “im your boy” or “i don’t want anyone else to touch me” and i believed him.

the gossip blog posted another ask and i confronted him about it. to which he admitted he lied about using and that he was still doing blow regularly, and then it prompted him to admit that for months he lied about not sleeping with anyone else. that he was in fact fucking other people. i feel like everything between us has just been a lie. he admitted to being an escort, and while i guess it makes me feel a little better that he wasn’t just fucking other people because he wanted to fuck them, i’m still heart broken. he was still supposed to be mine. he still lied when i trusted him and believed him. i can’t look at him without wondering what kind of disgusting hands have touched my boy, but i guess he wasn’t really my boy after all. but looking at him and feeling my heart drop every time still seems better than losing him. i hate myself for being someone so easily lied to. so easily hurt.

[birthdvyinla-blog]

when you straight up ask him if he's using and he says no right to your face and you naively believe him to find out it's a lie an hour later 👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼

[birthdvyinla-blog]

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄