bittersweeethoughts

[bittersweeethoughts]

7.7.24

What really hurts the most is that the people whom I thought had my back when times are rough are nowhere to be found.

[bittersweeethoughts]

[bittersweeethoughts]

6.12.24

I truly hate begging for the bare minimum. I know I can do better than that.

[bittersweeethoughts]

3.24.24

You know what’s fucked up? I’ve always been there for you and your problems. I’ve tried to help you dig yourself out of your situation, out of your problem. I’ve given you advice to prevent yourself from digging yourself a bigger hole. At the end of the day, I know that shit went out the other ear cause you still went ahead and STILL lent your money out to other people. You’re fortunate to have some solvable problems that people can help you with. I spend all this time to think of ways to help you out, just for you to blatantly ignore me — for what? 

Me on the other hand? None of my problems can be solved, but some comfort/support would’ve been greatly appreciated. Sure, it seems like nothing could be done with my grandmother’s passing. Seems like you couldn’t do anything about me getting sick for 3 days either. But the very least you could’ve done to make me feel better is to spend time with me, making sure that I’m okay. As my boyfriend, you couldn’t even fucking deliver that. I’m so fucking disappointed. I brag about you to everyone about how amazing you are, how incredibly kind and generous you are as a person. And that’s exactly how people see you. But behind the scenes???? You barely give me the time and attention that I ask for — even during this difficult week, I was shown that I wasn’t worthy of your fucking attention. It makes me feel so fucking sick to my stomach, it’s fucking insane.

Sure, you spent time with the boys because you were depressed, to distract yourself away from your problems. But remember that at the end of the day, you’re in a never-ending loop, a problem that will never fucking end because you keep handing out money like you’re the fucking bank. Remember that your problem is a problem that can be solved. Your cause to your depression can be solved. But yet, nothing can bring my grandmother back. 

I don’t even ask for much. I just want your love and attention. You keep apologizing for not having the money to love me. I keep telling you that what I desire isn’t money. I don’t know how many times I have to fucking drill the same shit into your fucking head. I don’t know what’s going on up there — if you’re even comprehending anything I’m saying to you. I decided to date you because you showed to me in the beginning that you were DIFFERENT from other gamers. You showed to me that you were CAPABLE of changing and improving for the better.

At the end of the day, I just feel like I’ve been lied to. All these empty promises and apologies. We’ve been through the same arguments countless of times. How many times does it take for you to realize that if you can’t show me that you’re husband material, there is no point in any of this? Why do I keep on getting toyed with? Is this a fucking game to you? Cause I’m not a game. I’m not another body count. I just want to be treated right. Why is that so fucking hard? Deadass why am I begging for the bare minimum from someone’s son like please, I don’t want to keep on doing this. When are you going to start taking me seriously? I fucking hate my life right now. I fucking just want to end it.

[bittersweeethoughts]

3/4/24

You cannot claim you love someone if loving them feels like a chore.

[bittersweeethoughts]

What does she have that I don’t have? Those thoughts haunt me everyday. I might not show it, but it reminds me every single day that I’ll never be enough for you, no matter what I do. I just can’t win. What’s the point? Why do I fight for your love every single day? Deadass why am I always dating men who have their eyes on another bitch?

[bittersweeethoughts]

[bittersweeethoughts]

Green vibes 🍀

[bittersweeethoughts]

atp even if I don’t kms over the stress I go through on the daily, it’ll just fucking kill me 🤷🏻‍♀️ not like anyone gives a shit anyway

[bittersweeethoughts]

sometimes, I wished you’d spend time with me the same way you spend time with your friends or coworkers without me having to beg and ask for it — without feeling like a burden or a handful, whenever I do ask. I try not to let it get to me, but it’s literally the bare minimum. I really want to be with someone who takes the initiative on plans and activities. Someone who is genuinely interested in spending time with me without me having to beg. Why is that so hard… Am I really that undesired? Why are such things possible with other people, but when it comes to me, I never get that same treatment? It’s fucking killing me inside like I’m buggin tf out cause clearly, you’re capable of doing such tasks. Like it’s one thing to be tired of me, but I literally try my best to give so much space, even flew out the damn country for 3 months, but at the end of the day, it’s like my efforts to try to make things better on my end didn’t make a difference. Idk what to do, I’ve been pretty patient. I’ve endured this for a while now. Things do get better when I bring it up for a week or two, but it always goes back to the way things were before. My heart fucking aches

[bittersweeethoughts]

im too fucking complicated and messed up to be loved

[bittersweeethoughts]

I don't know how many times I survived myself without telling anyone.

-V. J.

[bittersweeethoughts]

[bittersweeethoughts]

i can’t even begin to explain the temptation to just jump into that lake and purposely drown. I literally don’t want to fucking be here and I don’t think anyone understands my pain at all

[bittersweeethoughts]

torn

Even if given the chance to explain myself about why I feel the way that I feel, nobody will ever truly understand. I left for 3 months because I felt as though I was suffocating you. I know that it’s unhealthy in a relationship to not give adequate space and that some time apart is necessary. You’re not wrong or evil for wanting personal space. I really can’t be mad at you for that — it’s normal. However, it just really hurts me that I can’t even relate. Meaning, I can spend my time with you 24/7 and I’ll never need alone time away from you. I just have an overwhelming amount of love for you to the point where I am completely happy with all of my time being spent with you. And by today’s societal standards, I guess that’s just not healthy. Yet, I can’t help myself — I don’t really have any solo hobbies, I have no friends to spend time with, etc. School has become a major part of my life and without it, I realize that I’m left with nothing. School robbed me of my favorite hobbies, my social life, etc. So the only thing I really have left is you. But it hurts my heart so much that you can’t reciprocate choosing me over your friends.

Being graduated and not having school to really focus on anymore, I just feel so empty. I constantly had school things on my plate, so that at least gave you some room to breathe. But I just feel like it’s only gonna get worse from here since I won’t have anything to focus on besides working. You’re going to probably want more and more space to yourself nowadays and honestly, I just feel abandoned. I guess the problem here is that I love you too much. I fell too hard and metaphorically, you were there half the time to catch me. I can’t blame you for any of this. I blame myself. So like, should I try to love you less??? The only way is to lose feelings, but idk. I’m at loss of words on how to feel, how to solve this issue. You’re technically not doing anything wrong and it’s my fault that I feel this way. I just wish I was fucking normal like everyone else… This fucking sucks.

[bittersweeethoughts]

Fuck I’m so tired of doing this everyday, the crying, the restlessness, the pain. Of feeling things as intensely I do. I don’t want it

[bittersweeethoughts]