bittersweetashhh

[bittersweetashhh]

[bittersweetashhh]

By Christopher Bucklow. These photograms are made by tracing the silhouette of his model onto a large sheet of aluminum foil, pricking it with thousands of small holes, then laying a sheet of photo sensitive paper and exposing it to the sun.

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[bittersweetashhh]

4/24/2020 4:03 A.M.

I really have no idea what love actually is. Romantic love at least. I understand platonic love for the most part, support, friendship, and a lot of giving. But romantic love, what even is that? Relationship after relationship, failure after failure, I’ve felt farther and farther away from knowing what romantic love was. I kept thinking I knew, and then later down the road realizing I didn’t. I didn’t feel real, true, genuine, romantic love. I felt platonic love. I loved my ex’s for just who they were and I adored them for giving me the things I craved... the attention, the partnership, keeping me busy and distracted from the things wrong in my life and wrong with me. The admiration and shallow level puppy love and flirtation-ship was addicting. But I had really never experienced true love. 

Then I met you, and I was doubtful. Everything we were was textbook case for a person with BPD... meet quickly, fall quickly, end quickly. The first few months were raw and intense and just so passionate. Then the breakup not too long after was also raw, intense, and passionate. And here I am, 2 months post breakup still pondering my thoughts and feelings for you not even minutes after you walk out my door. It wasn’t until this exact moment that I realized that you aren’t just a textbook case relationship I’m destined to be in. You are not another failure of mine. The rebuilding we’re doing, the progress made and lost, the fights, the makeups, the breakups, the struggle in who we are separate and who we are together, that still did not even make me genuinely think that I loved you. To me, it could be us just being so attached or the universe even saying we have a little bit more of a story together before our chapter ends, who knows. But I never really thought that it was true love like spiritual outer world meant to be together forever type of love. I said I love you as much as I could because I did, and do love you, for who you are as a person. But did I truly love you romantically? As my partner, forever? That question I never bothered to answer simply because It was all too soon. But then tonight happened. 

Tonight was just another average night, more so negative than positive after such a horrible week. I didn’t expect to see you but alas hormones were strong and you were at my door just for a quick visit (pretty normal for exes I believe?) I didn’t expect the epiphany to come. Before he arrived I was in my head thinking about just sex, I was so hormonal and ready to feel his skin and that was it? Casual sex with a dab of emotion from two ex lovers? Skin and muscle tissue and orgasms, no big deal? But seeing him, kissing him, feeling him, it stopped being sexual. It was not the motions we went through before in our past sexual routine. It was something I never felt before. Throughout our sex I was just looking with confusion and admiration. While he was so deep into performing I was studying. I was studying his features from the way his beard hairs were curling to the shape of his birthmark. I was studying the texture, length, and darkness of his body hair. Just running my fingers through his chest hair trying to memorize the length, the thickness. I was mesmerized by his eyes and I could see the hormones just taking over his body, his pleasure, but I looked deeper and I saw his thoughts, his fear, but deeply his confusion to how fast the chain of events were happening and what was gonna make of it. The chaotic energy spiraling was evident in the air but I saw how hard he was trying to please me, how much pressure he was putting on himself to live up to the expectation of the sex we were so excitedly talking about. I knew he wanted to enjoy it for himself obviously but I really saw him, his goal was to please me. I was so deep into admiring him, studying him, I forgot that I was even...having sex with him which is such a shame for how much he was doing for me. Its also blasphemous because I have seen him naked and bare like that and I have seen his features hundreds of times so why was I so deep into those details? I’ve heard his words and thoughts and feelings but why were his thoughts screaming at me? Towards the end I was bent over and not able to look directly at him, so I was just feeling him, my toes on his legs and the warmth of his body, my hand on his hand squeezing as hard as I could to feel the shape of his bones. I was so absorbed with just having his soul near mine I completely forgot that his physical body and mine were involved. It was like my spirit left my body and was just fighting to be as close to his as possible? I have no idea what that even means and it’s a really tough thing to write into words, but my spirit and my soul were being absorbed into his. My body was not my body anymore. I got to the point where I was looking at myself from the outside, who was not myself, but just a girl, and my spirit was still focused on him. I watched my spirit spiral out of my physical body and linger over his. While he was inside my physical body I could not really feel anything, my conscious self was able to perform back but my brain could not connect the feeling of sex to what we were doing because my spirit and my soul was out, floating. While he was enjoying the vapidness of the sex I was so deep in thought thinking about the size of his frame, how so well framed he was. Perfectly balanced between muscle and bone, strength and endurance, most likely from the past couple of years of him being so self conscious of his health and treating his body like a temple. Being self aware. While he was sweating, pounding me I was thinking about his vegan thanksgiving from years ago? While he was grunting, orgasming, I was looking down at him from the outside admiring the reflex in his back and the arch of his broad shoulders. While he was staring into my eyes for the intensity affect/ addition to the sex I was seeing his thoughts. I could be overthinking, or these thoughts could stem from a list of exterior factors like that I haven’t slept much or that I’m on my period, I’m emotional, etc... but I really truly think that for the first time in my life on a night I would least expect I had a true out of body experience. 

And I don’t think that would ever happen with someone I did not truly, genuinely, romantically, love. 

[bittersweetashhh]

[bittersweetashhh]

3/25/2020. 6:49AM.

So... it has been about 30 minutes since I finished my last entry and decided to just turn my phone off right away and throw my juul away. I already feel so much anxiety. It is absolutely crazy that two little pieces of metal control so much of me, but I’m so glad I realize that. Even before the quarantine when I had so many options of things to do with my days I would really just wake up, be lazy, work, maybe see Logan, repeat. It was SO unhealthy?!? Every once in awhile I would have a “productive day”. Really it is a very hard strain for me to have a productive day. Before I would say, “tomorrow is going to be productive!” which should be a positive thing, but really my mind feared the upcoming day just because being slightly productive would drain so much of my energy, if not all of it? I would run a couple errands and make maybe a phone call or two and it would be so hard for me to do so. I think a lot of it stems from all the nicotine I put into my body and simply not drinking water so I’m excited to see how this week goes making those 2 simple changes. 

I feel so much better already just writing this out. I don’t feel so alone, even though I know I am. Being alone shouldn’t be a bad thing though, but I think everything in life needs balance. Being alone too much isn’t really healthy either... but I have not genuinely spent time alone with myself in a really really long time. Whether I always had to be with my friends, roommates, acquaintances even. Or texting the most random old friends in my life just to have some sort of conversation with someone, anyone. It’s weird though, recognizing that, I mean what is so bad about myself that I feel this need to escape my own presence? How can other people enjoy being around me, if I don’t even enjoy being around me? I think realizing that this week to myself will actually be good and maybe even fun takes a lot of the anxiety I have away. I’m gonna practice a lot of self love and nurturing, I’m SO good at nurturing others but neglect myself. I’m going to pretend I’m out of body looking at myself as a woman in need of nurturing if that makes any sense? With anyone else if they need ANYTHING, from water to advice I do it. So if my body needs water, I’m going to give it water. If my body needs nutrients, I’m going to give it the best nutrients. I need to take care of myself and I think doing so will be the biggest first step I can take on my journey of self love. 

It’s 7 AM now. It’s only been 30 minutes since I’ve gotten rid of the two little metal demons but I’ve done it, and I can keep doing it. I’m not the slightest tired, but I think once I take some melatonin and turn everything off I’ll sleep easily. I’m actually excited for tomorrow, I’m going to tackle all of my financial duties and things I’ve been slacking on and get organized. 

-Ash

[bittersweetashhh]

3/25/2020. 6:01 AM

I am completely lost. My heart aches and longs for an unknown substance. It aches for an unknown life, an unknown passion, an unknown future me. Recently being diagnosed with BPD has been so confusing yet so helpful, but I think it has done more damage than good. Being self aware that I am someone that has no identity but merely is a meshed version of the people I surround myself with has been so extremely hard. I want to be my own person. I want to stop living under societies restrictions and templates of how to exist in this world. But also, I am full of fear. I fear change, I fear failure, I fear being better? I’m so stuck in this mediocre life and every night I sit and look/stalk all of these people who seem to be doing what I know in my heart I could do, but I don’t change. I don’t feel motivated to change. It’s like my nicotine addiction, as much as I logically know how bad it is and surface level want to change; I don’t ACTUALLY want to. I have no genuine desires anymore. I have no genuine passion. I have no idea who I am or who I want to be. The only thing I have clung onto for years is my relationships. The high I feel and the peace I feel being loved and in love. The fact that the only thing in my life that I crave is love is so... toxic. There is so much more to this world and to life than love, right? I can love so much more than just humans. I can love my passions and I can love my career, I just have to figure out what that is. I need to finally accept that I need to do something so huge and stop feeding into these detrimental tendencies. It is 6:12 AM, and at 7 AM I’m going to start a self induced spiritual journey. I need to take one week to myself completely to really look within myself and my life to find out what I need to change emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. I’m going to turn my phone off, I’m going to throw every thing nicotine related away, and I’m going to drink some tea and try to fall asleep. This week I’m going to journal my feelings and thoughts, and break my addictions. My addiction to my phone, to nicotine, and to love. This self-quarantine is the best time and to me a sign from the universe saying “we are giving you the tools and the time to restart and reflect”, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do. It’s going to be SO hard, with my phone already the quarantine has been so painfully long and boring. But maybe the days will fly by not being on my phone all day? Watching movies all day? We will see. I can read, write, journal, paint, make music, cuddle Goobs, and cook some new food. But as of 7 AM, I’m no longer using social media, talking to Logan, my friends,or my family. I will only be using my phone when necessary. I KNOW I can do this, and I will. 

-Ash