blackbear912

[blackbear912]

Love & Confusion

Back here again. This time to write something that’s mostly good for a change instead of being mopey. A wish came true, finally. 

       CRS has had to power to make me or break me & that’s because I gave it to him. I had all but given up on hearing from him again when he contacted me. It was to apologize & let me know he was alright & that things were better, that was February. Fast forward to June, we had been talking regularly until May then he went silent again; leaving me to wonder what I had done wrong if anything. I decided to message him for his birthday. Not expecting to get anything back, he thanked me & then dropped a bombshell. He finally left his wife. My heart just about leapt out of my chest. I couldn’t be happier but the bombs weren’t over. He then told me he has a girlfriend now. And I just sank. Told me that he’d been in a drunk hole & didn’t think I’d ever come out there. I had been thinking really hard about it. 

   I went from super happy to crazy sad in a matter of seconds. And now as I have been I’m confused & anxious again. We’re friends if nothing else but I have always wanted more & I thought he did too. I couldn’t expect him to wait for me to get off my ass & go, so I understand. He’s finally getting a chance to live and I don’t begrudge him that. Now here’s my dilemma & anxiety issue, I can now talk to him whenever I want but I really can’t. He says she’s not that way & we can talk anytime but I don’t want to bother him. We went from only being able to talk between 7 am & end of work day, every day to being able to talk whenever we want but only talk every couple days. 

     I invited him to come out & visit if he wants to since he isn’t tethered there anymore. He said maybe. I hope he decides to. I want to actually get to meet him & spend time with him.

 Love will honestly f*** you up if you let it & I keep letting it. I keep wanting to ask a friend about the future. I want to know but I don’t want to know all at the same time. It’ll all work out for us in the end I know that & I believe that. Just have to wait & see, & maybe ask the gods to intervene.

[blackbear912]

Wishing

CRS,

    Maybe if I wish hard enough it would make you call me again. Tell me things are different now. Maybe if I wish hard enough I could bring you back to me. Bring you to me for real. I’ve been so stuck without you. I keep waiting on something from you; anything to tell me you’re alive & somewhat well.  

  We used to talk all the time about everything. Now I’m hurting & I have no one to talk to about it. I don’t want the “I told you so” or the “I knew it would happen”s. (If that makes any sense to anyone). I also don’t want the feigned attempts from friends trying to make me feel better.  I’m trying not to think about you or anything for that matter. Drowning in music to kill the pain but sometimes that makes it even worse. I just want things back to the way they used to be. Can we ever go back? Will you ever make it here to me?

Maybe if I wish hard enough the pain will all go away. I miss you & I think I will for a very long time. 

[blackbear912]

Coming Apart

It’s an awful thing when you feel like everything is falling apart. All that you hoped would happen, all the plans, the dreams; seem to be slipping away. They’re not gone entirely but they seem to be drifting. Maybe I just don’t understand the way things work. I feel like I’m understanding my way into being alone forever & I don’t want that. All of this is harder when you can’t talk to anyone about it for fear of the “I told you so”s & the judgment.

I keep wondering if it would make a difference for me to be out there. If after the initial shock, he would ask me to stay; still want me to be with him. I love him. The situation isn’t ideal, never really has been. I want him to be happy; to be able to give his kids something. But I want him. He’s the first one I met in a long time that saw me for me & didn’t want me to change; didn’t expect me to change. I saw him the same way. I only wanted one thing to change, the situation. I know I shouldn’t say never because things change from day to day. I just wish I could figure out a way for us to be together. 

It will all work out in the end, if it doesn’t work out, it’s not the end. For now, we’re friends with a little something else. And I guess I have to be okay with that.

[blackbear912]

Hello Again

I guess I should write something new. It’s been a very long time. A “friend” inspired me to start putting some of my writing & my talents out into the world again. It may be scattered & I may not post too much to restart but I’m trying. I’m 7 months off of 35 and lately I feel I don’t have a lot to show for it but I guess I do somewhere. So Dan, thanks for the push. I posted a couple old things for now but as I develop or write some new stuff I’ll get to posting. That’s it for now.

[blackbear912]

I AM ME

I wrote this back in March 2012. I was dealing with some things & was questioning myself & my life. I’m still questioning a lot of things but coping & dealing with the help of friends. So this is who I am & what I’m all about. Some things have changed, most of this is still true. Five Finger Death Punch has now taken over my life & brought out my inner rock chick. But I’m still me.

I AM ME. I cannot be anything else. I cry; A LOT. I care too much for people who will never care about me. I CARE about EVERYONE. I worry about things I cannot control. I worry about everything. I am a child of divorce. I have a brother but feel like an only child most of the time. I am quiet & shy; until I know you that is; then I talk too much. I love taking pictures; I hate to be in them. I like to eat; I am not super skinny & probably never will be. I am addicted to coffee. I am a dreamer & my dreams are BIG. I hate reality. Handsome men make me nervous & I go mute because of it. I have only been in love once, it didn’t end well. My heart has been broken a few too many times. I have broken at least one heart. I feel alone a lot. I love to travel and go new places. I hate to drive. I have never flown. I love cars, the older or sportier the better; but again I hate to drive. Born & raised in NJ; live in Maine; don’t really want to go back to NJ. I don’t see myself as pretty but everyone says I am. I would rather stay at home than go out & party. MUSIC keeps me going; Celtic Thunder has taken over much of my life. Singing makes me happy; although I will never sing on stage in front of a crowd of people, solo. I can analyze & relate to music really quickly. I learn the words to my favorite songs in a matter of minutes. I want all the things I can never afford. I have the GREATEST friends in the world; no matter where they live. Most of my friends might as well be family; I care about them that much. I am happy when my friends are happy; although sometimes I’m jealous of their happiness. I love text messaging; I hate talking on the phone. I am sentimental & sensitive; and my temper comes out when I’m challenged. I love when it snows; I hate having to deal with it after. My FAMILY means the world to me; I can make fun of them but you can’t. I can’t help but motivate other people; I rarely feel motivated myself. I am a kid at heart; my inner teenager makes appearances more than most people would like. I have a college degree, but I don’t want to do what I have my degree in. I believe in happily ever after. I love to draw even though I suck at it. I have only ever had one job; it stressed me out; I’m not doing it anymore. I don’t want to work. I’m a klutz; I fall, trip, slip & get hurt more than I want to. I have a ton of jewelry; I wear less than half of it. I have a ton of clothes; I live in jeans; t-shirts & sweatshirts. I like to get dressed up; it makes me feel like I could be pretty. I love high heels; but I can barely walk in them. I talk to myself; it helps me sleep. I have cried myself to sleep. I have spent more than one day in bed crying & being depressed. I believe in the truth; even if it hurts. I am scared. I love to read, books let me get out of my own head for a while. I want to be something to someone. 😉 (Most of my friends know who.) I have never been in serious trouble. I have smoked before; I have never done drugs. I have gotten drunk, I love Guinness. I hate to be alone. I stare at the stars in the belief that someone else is staring at the same stars, wondering if I’m doing the same. I have a jealous streak. I will never be someone I’m not. I am temperamental, moody, friendly, crazy, caring, quiet, opinionated, protective, loving, scatter-brained, emotional, possessive, & passive; BUT I AM ME. I WILL NOT CHANGE.

[blackbear912]

You

I wrote this poem really late at night back in 2013 when I was having trouble sleeping because I couldn’t stop thinking about someone. This was something that would not leave my head until I finally wrote it all down. So here it is.

YOU

I want to tell you everything.

Tell you exactly how I feel.

But I’m so afraid you won’t believe me.

I want to tell you I love you.

But you hear it every day.

I can’t get you out of my head.

I just want you to know how I feel.

I just want YOU.

I don’t need anything else. I don’t want money or fame.

I just want you.

[blackbear912]

Photos from Emmet Cahill’s show at the Irish Cultural Center of New England in Canton, Massachusetts 4 June 2015. Photos taken by Heather Ward.

Show number 2 in my summer concert series was “Young Emmet” Cahill. In January of last year, Emmet announced his departure from Celtic Thunder to pursue a solo career. His official withdrawal was delayed by the unexpected passing of fellow CT front man, George Donaldson. Emmet would return briefly for the previously scheduled Australian tour and the second Celtic Thunder cruise this passed November. (Which I was on. Very emotional, but loads of fun.)

Finally out on his own, Emmet has wrapped up both legs of his inaugural solo US tour. Having seen his second solo show on the cruise and his “Celtic Comet” show with Colm Keegan, I knew this would be an incredible night full of surprises. Emmet did not disappoint. (Like anyone would expect him to?)

With regard to Emmet’s repertoire, I will be completely transparent and say that some of his song selections may not agree with everyone’s tastes. He’s got a real thing for the old Irish standards and Rogers and Hammerstein. Sadly, I do not, but Emmet makes them tolerable. Even “Danny Boy” (which I think is in EVERY Irish Tenor’s repertoire) isn’t so bad when he sings it…and I loathe that song. So… kudos, Emmet! You’re the one person who can sing that tired old lament and not make me want to punch leprechauns. (Just being real.)

One song he did on this tour that I hoped he would is “Bring Him Home” from “Les Miserables”. I’m not a Les Mis officianado by any stretch of the imagination, but of all of the performances of this particular song that I have heard, Emmet Cahill’s is the most passionate and cathartic. I heard him sing it on the cruise and sobbed through the whole piece. His show at the Irish Cultural Center was no different. I think the most moving attribute to his performance is his youth. He’s only just coming up on 25 but he sings this song with the depth and heartache of a man 30 years his senior. I can’t wait to hear him sing this in another 25 years with some more life experience behind it. That will just be surreal.

There was a weird curve ball he threw at us. It was an old Clancy Brothers number called “The Stuttering Lovers”. I grew up on a lot of oddball Irish stuff but that one never popped up until that night. I have no idea if anyone got video from the show, but if they did, it’ll be somewhere on YouTube. The words necessary to describe that interesting little bit of nonsense are escaping me. Again, it’s Emmet…so…it’s okay. No complaints. Just a lot of new laugh lines.

Another really poignant piece Emmet did was an old Irish song called “The Parting Glass”. It goes without saying that all of the men and women who worked with George continue to pay tribute to him in their own way at their shows. George recorded this song on his penultimate album and, though he was a Glasgow man, sang it with heart of an Irishman. Emmet Cahill’s performance is so incredibly moving. It’s hard not to cry when he performs “The Parting Glass”. Not just for the audience. Believe me, Emmet does not phone in his emotions. He’s honest and vulnerable almost to a fault. 

Yes, I’m deliberately leaving out a lot of stuff. There’s too much to get to and I choose not comment on the R&H stuff. I only like 1 Rogers and Hammerstein song… and it’s NOT in Emmet’s repertoire. (It’s not in Emmett O’Hanlon’s, either. :-( ) Overall, though, it was a fantastic evening. The show was wonderful. Emmet was as charming as ever. I really can’t wait for him to come back around. He’s just an absolute delight to be around. When he returns to the US, you can count on me to post tour dates. If he comes to a city near you, you will not go wrong going to see this young man. Emmet Cahill is Ireland’s answer to Josh Groban. Well… at least in my opinion.

[blackbear912]

Shots from the Inaugural Celtic Thunder Cruise.