blackheart2010

[blackheart2010]

[blackheart2010]

You know, talking with you on the stream the other day helped a lot. But there is a thing I wasn't totally hm… clear. Black was really mean to me on a couple occasions and we had a couple of fight, and he hurted me. All that part was the truth. But Black is not my friend.

He never told me he was my friend, makes me think so and then goes silence radio.

I kind of preferred to put all on one bag than naming the real person that have really badly hurt me. But now it eat at me. Because I have the impression I wasn’t honest.

And no, I will not name the person. He is way too much know. And I know that he never meant to hurt me. But all this, all this drift I took in my life was because I believed in our friendship.

In my real life, I happen to be the friend of many persons. I have done all my life all I could to help and all. But I never opened up a lot (before). And never had the impression I had a true friend… mean really deep friendship of sort.

By some twist of the fate this person have enter my life and at a moment they have call me friend and reach out and I have open up. I have feel as I never felt before for someone. I had the impression I could have a kind of bound, finally. I felt as if I could trust this person. That they really could be *my* friend. And at first, I was really wishful.

But I had since the impression I wasn’t as hm… much? I thought. That finally they were kind and all but never really realized or else that their friendship had mean so much for me. And finally, recently, I reached out, and they plainly ignored me.

Thus why I didn’t want anymore to be part of Fallout for Hope or even just the Fallout community…

I was anonymous before they entered my life, had been in the shadow all my life. They have bring me to light but after they have leave me there.

I am not blind about all they have done for my carrier and how I am somehow know and in contact with awesome persons thanks to them, but all I wanted was their friendship, and I feel like someone that is thirsty but you give a lot of loaf…

And how I am suppose to express it? I know no one that have such problems. I mean, I heard the same kind, but for romantic feeling. Who will be that upset over friendship?

It would take a lot more of time and lot more of words to express how, all my life, I have seek for this kind of friendship, and that the moment I finally think I had found one, it was an illusion--and surely on my side.

I can't be upset for someone that act normal. I know I am the one abnormal, incapable of normal behavior, or just having normal friends, of just falling in love and have some sain social circle.

I am the one that doesn't feel things the same way as the others.

I am the one that is the problem.

I am the one that love everyone but have really just so little narrow place for specials persons in my life.

For so little light in my black, black heart

[blackheart2010]

As the shadowed recesses of my being, where silence once reigned supreme, now voice emerged from the abyss, ascending through the corridors of thought, only to find its somber refuge within the chambers of my heart

As this voice, child, murmured with a reasoning akin to a malevolent spirit, now it yearns to seize my tongue and compel expression

As the echo, resonant and profound, long whispered to my solely ears, now the shroud that all may perceive in the depths of my gaze

As a shroud of shadow

As a heart shrouded in darkness

A black, black heart

[blackheart2010]

It must be so lonely to know your memories doesn't truly belongs to you.

Anyway

Have a dramatic Nick

[blackheart2010]

How could it happen

That everytime I want to wake up

My body and soul drive me nut

In pain and depression

And what can really happen

In my life and around

To make it better sound

Than all that pain

I feel empty

So empty

Nothing can wake me up inside

Nothing can make me feel of something

I am just a really black

Black heart

[blackheart2010]

I try really hard

To make my way

To win my place

To be positive

To be a force to recon

But it's like every joy in this world

Is a very insult to me

I don't feel jealous

I feel defeat

And the defeat drown me

And make beat again

My black, black heart

[blackheart2010]

Hello friend, I am feeling so dead inside you can't even imagine

[blackheart2010]

I always hate pathetic beings who indulge in their mediocrity

And now... here I am doing this blog to empty my heart of all this pathetism that I have myself in my heart

For what good is it, in fact, if only to complain and complain?

I really hit rock bottom...

At this point, what's really left of good in my heart, if even always seing the bright side or at least a solution is no more of my reach

I don't know what I really wanted of all this

But I am sure of one thing

Nothing good will be made here

Because yet, even if it's pathetic, it's the work of à real black, black heart

[blackheart2010]

I was raise by some mad persons

At very least they were madness in my childhood

The worse you can even imagine in a normal world

I was raise by people thinking I was a kind of Chosen One, an "old soul" that had power

Seeing in the futur, able to read in peoples minds, this kind of shit

I was a bright child, observant, and I had in place of instinct a kind of analytic efficiency really something

Now, I see the same in my kids, and fortunately for them, I am not a brain washed spiritual shit no more then I can help them find their REAL place

Because being raised with a mean of super power IS NOT something cool, not at all

First and foremore, as it is not true, you can imagine all the harm it's done

But the worse was that for a while, I trusted that

They brings me to Shaman and other sort of even more mad people, really concentration of mental illness wanting to believe there where more about life than what she gives and wanting to make a kind of messier of my or something

I am not against faith, but I can tell you a children of 2yo shouldn't be taken for a kind of magic person

It's take me so much time to sort it out that even as a young adult, I had lot of difficulty not falling in that

Yeah, I have a vivid imagination and when I see a possible scenario --out of analyse of the situations-- I can SEE it in my mind

And that's what make me a great artist, a great writer maybe

But NOT a kind of magical soul came on the earth to save the human kind, fuck!

And the harm is really deep because every so often, I can fall on this, question myself again, pounder about it so much too a lot

And I so much hate all this peoples for what they do to me

So much...

Because it have extinguish a lot of light in my heart

Blackening

A black, black heart

[blackheart2010]

I have asked myself so many often

...

Could I became a black heart?

I was not loved

I was not wanted

At no moment

I have raise my Kids with one idea in head, assuring them that they worth it, that they are beautiful, and that if they try and work hard, they will do something good of their life

Because that was what my parents never say to me

Pretty the opposite

I have grown and ask myself often, as I was raise among wolfs, how could I survive as a sheep?

And that's how I discovered that often, the Wolf with a sheep skin have not stole it... he have grown in it

Because a sheep that doesn't want to die have only one possibility; bite back

And how often peoples where surprise how my teeth could be sharpened

I was not born with a black heart

And until recently I was still asking myself if I would finally have one

And now I know

The girls that cry a lot, alone in the dark, gets the darkness in their heart

And that's how they become

A black, black heart

[blackheart2010]

I have the really bad feeling that I am losing my only friend since a while

I don't know why

Because they give me reasons but...

I know when peoples lie and I awfully well know when peoples avoid me

And . They . Avoid . Me .

And I'm piss off

Mainly because I never was able to trust people so far to express myself in liberty

I have take this liberty long ago with them

They knows my opinion, real opinion on so many things

A gift I never give

Because I always do my hard to stay neutral in any situation

And I never let my emotions cloud my judgement

Then what the point to express my frustration right now that I know they avoid me

Did I have assume a friendship that didn't exist?

Is it that in the end, when they doesn’t need me, I am of no interest?

Not that I have let myself had a lot of friends... because it's ask too much for me

But here I thought I had at least one. I had take the chance to let one person came in the deep of my... and...

And I'm not sure anymore...

[blackheart2010]

My hatred topic of the day is my step-father that live in an appart of my basement

Often he come in my house, day after day, not really wanted

I even try a couple of time to hide myself and then he was calling me out

Once I was really exhausted and just arrived from work and decided to take a nap for the little time I had left before my Kids came back from school

And he entered the house, calling me out loud, and then my only window had passe

I am fucking pissed off of him and yet I continue to welcome him politely while killing him in my head

Surely the way you can kill someone in your head

Can grow a really black, black heart

[blackheart2010]

A black story about a black, black heart