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blackscrunchie · 6 years ago

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11/05/2019 12:41 PM

My mom really just texted me just to tell me how negative I am and how hard is to be around me and WAIT FOR IT how frustrating it is that I “have no idea what Hard really is”.

You’re right mom after being assaulted in the eighth grade and suffering with self harm all the way until now (which was then met with being told I was going to end up a drug addict instead of any help or support being offered)

To being in a toxic ass abusive fucking household for almost my entire life to we here I had to live in FEAR of fucking coming home or even waking someone up to take me to school so I wouldn’t get sent to the office AGAIN.

To having no fucking food in the house because what food we did have? That was for my sister and I wasn’t supposed to touch anything. Eating literal fucking sauce I saved for my meals multiple times since we were so broke. To being made feel like I should be ashamed for being hungry.

On top of this feeling like I couldnt express my emotions. I wasn’t supposed to say when I was sad or mad or happy or anything I was supposed to sit there silently while you used me to take out your anger. On the way to school? Hearing what a fucking disappointment I was. On the way home? Surprise! Yelled at about what a terrible fucking human I am. I wanted to fucking die. I hated feeling like I would never be good enough and I didn’t understand why no matter what I did all the adults in my life hated me. Getting all A’s wasn’t enough. Waking myself up and my mom since I was 5 years old to make sure we were ready for school/ work? Not enough. Sitting through the constant emotional abuse from the time I was old enough to remember? Doesn’t matter right.

“Why can’t you be more like _____”

“Why are you so fucking sensitive?”

“Why the fuck are you crying”

“You’re such an ungrateful brat”

“Maybe we can raise the next one to be less retarded”

“You think I didn’t have other options?”

“You’re gonna end up just like your aunt”

“Shut the fuck up”

“You have no right to be sad.”

Coming home everyday to new holes in the walls new broken shit thrown across the living room.

I have been guilt tripped about anything that had to be paid for for me my entire life as if I had any say in it. As if I, a literal child, had anyway to control those things. I couldn’t get a job I couldn’t do anything.

My last year of high school I had to just hold my breath and pray for the day I got to leave the house. I thought it couldn’t get worse than my childhood. It was gonna be just me and no one could tell me daily how awful I am.

But life doesn’t happen like that. My family friend died in a car accident. And then I lost my old friend to a brain aneurysm. And then one some time passed things were looking up!!! But then I was Used by someone who was supposed to be one of my best friends. My own roommate. And then I was outed long before I was ready for that. And then I was re- abandoned by my dad. And then I met someone who I thought was great- sure she was way too cocky and a little annoying sometimes but she would send me supportive messages sometimes. Laced in between attacking me. But nevertheless we were close. And then we drifted apart and then summer came and summer was mostly great and also a little sad. I spent all my time with my best friend turned girlfriend and we had good memories together. Then things felt bad and the breakup happened. Heartbroken sure but it could be worse. But then my friend I drifted from? She was trying to support me right? She cared how I felt? No. She raped me. In a time when I felt like I couldn’t be lower. She took advantage of me knowing I trusted her. I didn’t stand a chance. And then the bronchitis/ pneumonia that she gave me? That was the icing on the cake. Feeling trapped and unsafe for a year until she graduated. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of this. This isn’t what college was supposed to be! College was supposed to be positive it was supposed to feel better than home. But it doesn’t work that way. And then the car accident. Which made me lose my job and sent me into so much physical distress that I’m still feeling to this day. And then I was broke. And I was alone. And then a blow out and 3 flat tires later and another car accident happened. And now? Now I’m gonna have to go on seekingarrangements and sell my soul to be able to afford life. A life I didn’t ask for.

The flashbacks suck. the effects in my brain from being told what a peice of shit I am? They don’t go away. They affect my adult life everyday. I have experienced more trauma in my life than anyone should have to go through.

But you’re right mom I don’t know what hard is. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be more like everyone you wanted me to be. I’m sorry you had to pay for me to live as a child. I’m sorry that I didn’t have more to offer.

At this point? I don’t even want this anymore. I wish I would’ve died in the car accident. Or when I was sick as a baby. Something. Nothing is worth feeling this fucking awful every day of my life.

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blackscrunchie · 6 years ago

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