blackxmagick

[blackxmagick]

i love writing porn and i wont feel bad about it. understanding the eroticism of a character is character analysis if u are enlightened.

[blackxmagick]

Back again huh you cunt.

You know, you get more worthless and pathetic each and every time I look in the mirror. You haven't learned a damn thing. You never fucking do. What did you fucking expect would happen huh?

You think that just because you show them you love them that they'll just fucking drop everything, their marriage, their family, their entire life for You??? Oh that's absolutely precious-- delusional! But precious. But as usual, you're an utter moron!

They will never choose you. They will never be the person you want them to be-- and it is so fucking painfully obvious that you don't mean nearly as much to them as you do for them. So just fucking knock it off and let it go.

You need to be the adult and cut them out, because all you're doing is just torturing yourself. Or maybe you want that? Oh, I see. You want to be punished, huh.

Fine. Be my fucking guest.

Go ahead and keep on fucking holding on to that false hope. Go ahead. See where it gets you, you stupid bitch.

You think this fantasy of yours will ever come true? Nah.

Why would they leave their husband, their family, their life, for you? What possible future could you possibly offer them? And for that matter, what makes you think that they would want to even have a future with you?? Hm??

Oh. Right.

You're only there for companionship. You're a novelty. You're nothing but someone to talk to to pass the time.

At least now you're finally getting it.

And like a fucking moron, you're allowing it to continue!!! You're still believing that you two are more than friends. But if that were true, then they wouldn't have to hide you. If that were true, they wouldn't have to him and haw over romantic gestures while their fucking husband is around.

You have to make a choice.

You need to either kill your feelings and go back to how it was before, or you cut them out.

Either way, you lose. But thats fitting isn't it?

It's no less than what you deserve for allowing this to continue.

[blackxmagick]

well Thank Fucking God none of my loved ones will never see this

[blackxmagick]

.

it really is So fucking exhausting living in my body. it really is. just constant fucking crisis mode, constant fucking emotions and turmoil and im so fucking sick of it im sick of LIVING

and for what huh. For Literally What. What's the fucking point anymore when there is Nothing to look forward to.

I have a marriage that's hanging on by the fucking sinews and my wife refuses to leave me because she swore an oath on her honor she would not leave me For Sickness and Health, Till Death Do Us Part well fucking let me die just let me fucking die so hse can be free of me

dont even get me started just dont even I am not worth it. im not worth it. im not worth almost 15 years of time im not worth any more time and im certainly not worth putting in an effort anymore

im done

i just wanna pass away i just want to fade and go in a coma and be left to dust im so sick of living of being this way of this constant fucking ache in my chest and emptiness in my head

its gotten to the point where i want to drink it away and god i know alcohol is the last thing i should turn to but god i just want oblivion

i want nothing to be Nothing

god lets not forget my doomed fucking relationship! lets not forget that fucking hot mess just why do i bother why do i torture myself why can't i just fucking die and let go and be forgotten

theyve got family and a marriage and im just there. im just me. im nothing. not worth a damn and certainly not worth jeopardizing a marriage they care about so fucking let me go please god just let me go so i can die please its better than hanging on to a hope that i know is a lie

and i fall for it every fucking time GOD

i cant stand myself when will you learn you stupid fucking cunt when will you learn huh?? when will it get through your thick fucking skull that it will never be more it will never be what you want it to be so fucking give up

just fucking. cease.

maybe i just need to be fucked. maybe thats it. if i just let myself be passed around and used then maybe ill burn out this fucking ache inside and be done with it and then maybe ill have relief or die

god i just please let me just Stop

i don't want to be better i dont want to keep going i dont want to try anymore because there's nothing that will help me anymore not a goddamn thing

what reward do i get for trying when what i want is impossible huh? I can't get the body i want or the mental health i need or the lover i desire or the fucking money to live so what's the point huh. whats the fucking POINT

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT IN MY EXISTENCE ANYMORE BUT FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S FUCKING PLEASURE AND AMUSEMENT HUH. WHAT ABOUT ME. DO I GET A FUCKING SAY IN ANY OF THIS DO I GET TO BE HAPPY? NO. FUCK OFF FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS CUNT GO DIE ALREADY.

JUST CRY IN YOUR ROOM AND PRAY YOU DON'T WAKE UP IN THE MORNING EVER AGAIN

[blackxmagick]

Honestly im ready to die right now i fucked up so bad i hurt someone i admired & care about i wanna cry ho nestly why the fuck do i even exist i wanna!!!! Just fucking die lmao

[blackxmagick]

i really cant place exactly when my depression starts or begins but all i know is that while writing this long post calling attention to all the problems the ft fandom has its taking a really heavy mental toll on me lmao i feel like i’ll fuck it up and i’ll end up loosing what small circle of friends i have lmao lmao i wanna cry i could just ignore it and trivialize some things but it won’t change the fact that a lot of people are gonna continue to do these awful things lmao like when is it gonna be enough?? obviously im the only one that gives a shit if im the one thats suffering this mental breakdown lol god i hope im trying to be good im trying to be aware of my actions and try not to inadvertently offend anyone but i feel like every little thing i do will eventually hurt someone else and i cant handle that i cant handle the thought of anyone being hurt because of me i hate it with all my heart g od i just wanna stop

[blackxmagick]

oh no but!!! of course!!! thats why i’m getting so much attention right? hm. shady. nice. someone fucking end me already and my bitter salty ass me @ god i’m fucking waiting you piece of shit

boy its not like i have a line of friends just waiting with bated breath to ask me how i feel and offer to come fly down just to join my pity party like fuck 

happy fucking birthday to me i guess.

[blackxmagick]

Honest to god though, I wish I had just gone straight to sleep when I got home, at least then I would have avoided feeling like absolute shit and didn’t feel like I wanted to die.

My head is just a void of noise saying over and over again that I’m a cause of Discourse. I might take a nap either way. I don’t know. God I wanna cry. I wanna let this out. I wanna talk about this but I don’t want to be a bother. And even if I do talk about it its all nothing, all I do is nothing. I’m nothing. G od............

[blackxmagick]

OKay okay okay i’m trying not to let this bug me i’m trying not to let this get to me its not a big deal its not its not just god why can’t i just let this go let it coast by and ignore it like all the other things that bug me its not a big fucking deal okay!!!!!!! you make it this big deal you’re so stupid why are you even making this an issue!!!!!!!!!! its just a fucking name god you’re so pathetic lmao @ myself i fucking hate you so much right now you just can’t fucking let it go its over its done with you just wanna make everything about you huh? make every little fucking thing about you because you don’t get enough attention and are such a greedy little attention whore aren’t you you fucking ugly ass piece of shit god god god god god i wanna die i just want to die !!!

[blackxmagick]

;alksdj;flkjfd no its okay its okay i’m okay i’m just being dumb i’m sorry i just i’m just really shaken up by this, BY JUST A NAME JUST A FUCKING NAME GODI’M SORRY because i didn’t i din’t do it its so stupid i’m being so stupid for making a big deal out of this i’m sorry i’m so sorry god go d god godgod god god i’m getting off i’m gonna go shower mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm god i feel so dirty and my heart is speeding up and it hurts god god i just want to stop i want to die i woant to die i’m sorry i want to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[blackxmagick]

it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if one day i wake up and i’m alone

my partner divorces me, i’m left homeless and i end up crawling back to my mothers lol which is great because i haven’t spoken to her in over two years or so its fucking wonderful feeling this way fuck i just wanna stop 

[blackxmagick]

me, in my bed under 5 blankets, putting pills into my mouth: im good fuck off

[blackxmagick]

lmao i still feel like i wanna die

and honestly i’m not sure if its because this is just my way of trying to reach out and see if people actually give a flying fuck about me or if i really do feel this way? I honestly don’t fucking know but shrugs?? what the fuck is an ugly woman like myself to do lmao

[blackxmagick]

person: u dont have ur drivers license yet lmao? wtf

me internally: No, I don't have my driver's license yet because of a slew of incredibly personal reasons, most all of them centering around the fact that my anxiety disorders make it hard for me to concentrate and I don't feel comfortable behind the wheel of thousands of pounds of metal because of it. Not to mention the fact that I don't exactly have the money for a car or gas in the foreseeable future even if I did feel comfortable driving (which I don't).

me externally: yeah lol im just lazy yknow