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OK OK, I’ll be the first to admit it….I’m a horrible fucking blogger. Absolute shitte!! It’s been like an entire year since my last post, I’m sorry I suck so hard.

Things really went south for a bit there and it’s taken a minute to bounce back! I live to make others laugh so typically only like to write about things that are funny, but life isn't always funny. To be completely honest, life sucker punched me in the face and like one of those blow-up clown punching bags I just kept popping back up for more.

Trust me, it will take more than this one blog to fill you in on the madness but I’ll start with the reason I stopped. Feb and March 2016. Two months that changed me. Work was a constant source of stress, I’d lost my inspiration, my social life was lame city, and my best friends kept moving further and further away. On top of that, I’d permanently pumped the brakes on the old Tinder dating, realizing that I’m destined for a life with just me and Penny (Penny is my golden retriever, the greatest dog of all the dogs…ask anyone). Oh and I forgot to mention that everyone around me was dropping dead.

I know I shouldn't make light of such a serious matter, but it’s really the only way I know how to survive. I hate being sad or weak so instead I make jokes and push the tough stuff deep down, pretending everything is fine. Isn't that called adulting??? For real though, I lost three people in a matter of weeks and it left massive holes in my heart. My beloved Auntie Christine who I will absolutely never accept is gone, my childhood friend Nathan whose sudden death shook me so much that I couldn't even bring myself to attend his funeral, and believe it or not a really lovely man named Matt that I met on Tinder, who became my friend and had so much to offer the world with his big silly heart.

Here’s the thing about death: it is actually super NOT funny and despite of all my efforts to use humour to survive, there was no amount of making light of it that could mend those holes. It was a tough couple months, I was really damn sad, and it has forever hardened me. I hate being sad, more than anything in the world. I absolutely hate crying and I hate being weak. Unfortunately, emotional dramatics run in my blood so when I allow the sadness to actually make it to the surface, shit gets UGLY!! I am a total NIGHTMARE of a sad girl. Just a mess!! I’m talking full blown ugly-cry: nostrils flared, lips quivering, snotty mess. I bawl my friggin’ brains out, usually in the bath tub or shower, and believe me I really go for it. I walked around for months pretending to be fine, but hid in the washroom at work on the daily fighting back tears with all my might. It was awful. I just want to be a butterfly… free to float around without a care in the world. Sounds lovely, non?

Now here comes the surprise twist: in the midst of all of this death and sadness I met a really great guy. I know you need a moment here…YES you read that correctly! If you’ve read about any of my dating experiences, you’ll understand the great shock here. Yes, I actually said ‘great guy’ and even weirder I totally meant it. EW, so gross I know. They say timing is everything but I’m calling bullshit on that old saying. There literally could not have been a worse time to meet someone so great! I’d like to think I held it together pretty well. I mean, I didn't cry on any of our dates so that’s a plus…right?

Talk about a buzz kill though…trust me, nothing dampens the mood on a first date like ‘how was your day?’ ‘Oh, my friend died today’ …..um I really need to learn to hold things back. What did I think this poor guy would have to say to that? Jesus, maybe I should write a blog just about the dumb shit I say on dates (seriously, things just come spewing out of my mouth like projectile word vomit). I give him major points for pressing through. I won’t even get into the fact that I also tried to get out of almost everything he had planned for us….driving range? in the dark? in high heels? dinner at a pub in a STRIP MALL?!?!? Omg no no no. By some miracle this man got me to do all of the above, managed to dig us out of the dark depressing hole I’d started our date off in, and then ALSO completely charmed the shit outta me! I literally had the BEST time, I whacked the heck out of those golf balls in my high heels, died over his adorable outfit, and laughed the night away at the strip-mall pub!! I forgot about all the shit I was dealing with and just got to be my ridiculously girly self for a few hours. What was happening? who was this plaid shirt,Timberland boot wearing, friggin’ cutie??

Date number two was just as surprising….and it happened the following morning. Now don’t go jumping to conclusions here. Date number one ended with a PG rating (despite my wild antics I am a lady, people!!!). In fact I actually X framed the poor guy out when he tried to make out with me on that first date (if you’re unfamiliar with the X frame, simply hold your two arms out in front of you, make an X........Tadaa)

Aha ha, it’s super awkward and pretty aggressive, but effective and actually quite hilarious! I mean, he was cute as hell, but one step at a time bud. Anyways, somehow less than 24 hours after our first date, there we were headed down an old country road with coffees and our pups. Shockingly, I never once thought he would murder me out there (reference previous posts: I live in perpetual fear of being murdered by a stranger). It was without a doubt in my mind that this guy was one of the good ones. I clung to his peaceful goodness like it was life or death, and when we were together I could forgot about those holes. Honestly, this guy was unreal. Every single one of our dates was straight out of a country music video…I’m not exaggerating. We literally had a picnic date on the tail gate of his truck with country music blaring, swinging our feet over the river…I was waiting for the camera crew to pop out of the woods and for Luke Bryan to come strolling down the river bank guitar in hand. 

Almost a year later we had endless hours of conversation under our belts and it felt like I’d always known him. We had covered death three times over, divorce, murder, unhappy relationships, tough life lessons and just about everything else in between. Our country music video dates continued on the regular and there were some unreal memories made. He was kind and sweet and, although he was peaceful and had such a quiet soul, it was clear that his divorce had left him with his own holes. Our relationship was lovely and it was one for the books but sadly it was doomed from the start. Unfortunately, you have to be whole and happy in order to love someone fully. The crazy thing is that death and divorce have similar effects on a person, it kind of forces you to look at your life. Losing someone or getting out of a bad marriage, makes you feel like you escaped, you get a second chance, another breath. You remember what’s important, it reminds you to LIVE in the moment and to be grateful for what you have. So it might seem like the worst and most heavy time time to meet someone, but in a way our timing was perfect! We needed each other to lift the weight of all that death and divorce until we were ready to face it all on our own.

Ugh, Sorry. SOB STORY. I know that’s not the ending we were all hoping for and trust me no one hates a sad ending more than me but you know, life works in weird and mysterious ways. Broken hearts or not, you just keep moving forward. So here, how about I cure all of our broken hearts with the real ending. I’m back bitches!!! Better than ever. Every tough thing that comes my way is just another opportunity to show ‘em what I’m made of. You can patch those holes in the heart, you can let go of the weight of loss, and you can kick some serious ass while you do it. In case you were wondering where I went….I was LIVIN folks!! I moved into a new house (it’s actually rickety and old but it’s totally me), I quit my job, I started my own business, and I’m back telling my stories by bloggin' my little heart out. 

In the words of the great LL Cool J...Don’t call it a come back. I’m gonna knock you out!

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I suppose I can accept some responsibility for ending up in Dudville when it comes to dating. Despite the obvious fact that most of the dates I've been on are with men from Tinder, which is clearly working against me, I've started to realize there are some seriously annoying and repetitive behaviours that all lead right on back to good old Dudville.

The classic "‘I’m not looking for anything serious" line comes out A LOT! Even before a date has really begun (as a pre-emptive effort to ward off the dreaded "husband seeker") these six words are constantly spoken. UMMMM how about get over yourself for a minute!! Do you actually think you're so incredibly awesome that, barely one date in, I’m planning our future life together? Get serious! And honestly who ‘LOOKS’ for that? Only psychos think you're going to spend the rest of your life together after a few dates, so like pump the brakes BUD, give me some credit!

Seems like a lot of men out there think all women are alike and that every single one of us is on the hunt for a husband. This annoys the shit outta me! Why do we assume that all women are trying to lock in a husband and start pumping out the kids? That is not the singular dream every woman has implanted in her brain from birth. I actually know more single men that are hoping to settle down than I do women. Most of my single girlfriends are just looking to have fun. I mean shit, its 2016, it’s been a long time since a woman's only option was to find a suitor and get married. Don’t get me wrong, I totally value marriage. Several of my closest friends have beautiful happy marriages that I admire, but that doesn't mean I’m dreaming of that big white dress. I can pretty much guarantee that marrying you is the actual last thing on my mind on a first date. More likely, I'm just trying to figure out whether you're a total dud! Chances are I’m not even thinking about a second date at this point, but thanks so much for clarifying that you aren't looking for anything serious. Idiots.

Then there's the lightening speed at which men will go in for a make out. This repetitive pattern has definitely slowed my roll in agreeing to dates. I’ve been faced with one too many awkward duck and run’s in an effort to escape unwanted attempts. Taking into account the fact that we’ve met on Tinder, date number one is the actual first time we are seeing each other face to face so I don’t even know if I am attracted to you yet and I need a minute here before you try to suck my face off. Ugh, I’ve literally had to use my arms in an X frame to stop unwanted attacks. Seems like a lot of men are going right for it on date number one. Maybe it’s just me, but truthfully I don't find myself physically attracted to that many men. I’ve been fortunate enough to meet many a babe in my life but there’s a very small number of men I’ve come across that I have that instant attraction to (someday we’ll talk about my European Lover, which is a great story about instant attraction and straight out of a naughty romance novel). Unfortunately for the men I go on dates with, it takes some time for me to determine if I am physically attracted to them so getting lucky on date number one is definitely out of the question! This is apparently strange??? Ah ah, seriously though, for awhile there I felt like something might be wrong with me! Like why am I not attracted to any of these cuties that are interested in me? I had a very serious moment recently where I thought…WAIT?? oh my God, am I a lesbian?!?!?!  But one look at a woman and it was all signs point to NO WAY! Guess I just need more than a handsome face to get these engines going…..

Treating a date like a free therapy session is, shockingly, another repeat offender. I don't mean to be rude, but ummmm get a friend! A date is actually the last scenario in life that would be an appropriate time to unload all your baggage and crazy shit.

ONE- This is MAJORLY unattractive

TWO- I don’t have a psych degree

THREE- I don't know you so I have no idea how to offer support for all of your life dilemmas

FOUR- Total honestly: I don't care.

Here I am bringing some good shit to the table. I’m happy, I have a successful career, and I’m in a great place in my life but all you’re bringing is your 99 problems?!?! Ugh, no wonder a bitch aint one?!?!? AH AH!!! I’ll do anything to throw out a great rap reference but lets be real this is probably why you're single. Unloading your drama is a total BUZZ KILL!  Pull up your big boy pants and handle your shit!

I feel like I’m being really negative here, but Dudville…oops I mean Tinder….just isn't really working for me. I do actually know a few really great/happy couples who have met on Tinder so it’s not all bad out there but let’s be real: most of the dudes on Tinder are NOT the kind of guy you would ever want to marry! So for the ladies that are maybe dreaming of the husband and kids, I’m going to give you some credit here and assume that you are not foolish enough to think you're gonna find your future husband on a dating app notorious for hook ups. I have male friends who share some of the most outrageous hook up stories and disgusto photos women send them. Mind blowing!! Holy shitte it’s like full blown pornoville out there. Sorry ladies, there’s some crazy ass B’s out there knocking aaaaaaaall of your husband dreams right outta the playing field.

Also, If you’ve ever had a swipe through Tinder you’re with me here, there are a whole lot of EW’s, tons of dbags with shirtless selfies, and much much worse. Honestly my brain is in a constant state of bafflement wondering WHO the women are that actually swipe right to the guys with close up photos of their packages in tighties?!?!? And I won’t even go into the absolute grossness of the underwear I’ve come across while swiping. Do yourselves a favour guys and stop buying your underwear at Walmart. Like, have a little pride in what you're packing down there and treat the ol' fella to some legit fabrications!!!!  

This lady has hopped off the Tinder train, unfortunately the last stop was Dudville.

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I’ve recently become friends with a couple of firefighters. Ok, if we're really being honest here I’m actually kind of obsessed with them! Full discloser, my girlfriends and I have pretty much online creeped every photo ever taken of these guys!!  I’ve never been the kind of girl that lusts after big buff dudes but I’m telling you these guys are something else. Literally posting shirtless group photos of their tanned, super fit bodies on the beach, or all sweaty and hiking….I mean COME ON!!! It’s like a friggin' calendar shoot every day with this crew. Shit….a girl can dream right? I’ve never really had a fantasy man but I sure as hell do now. Full blown blue fever….Can’t deny a man in uniform. Shout out to my friend T who introduced me to the BTS world of firefighting, is a mega babe, and can swing a lady around a dance floor like a boss! Did I mention he is single…wink wink. Ok Ladies, if you are looking for a real man, I’d suggest you start hanging out by your local firehall or maybe even just start a small fire and wait for your rescue. Ah ha, I’m kidding, DO NOT DO THAT, nobody likes a crazy. These guys are no joke though, Alpha males in every sense of the word. They're part of one of the only remaining boys' clubs in the world and maybe my inner feminist should be mad about it, but I’m actually kind of into it. In a world where dudes are wearing tighter jeans than me, I can appreciate a man who is just that….a MAN! To each their own, but a beer drinking, hockey playing, hard working, chirp chirping dude in a T-shirt and jeans gets me every time!

Observing my new friends has been like a science experiment - a whole new world for me! Testosterone is literally spewing out of them, and ladies just love these guys. By definition you'd think that would be a nightmare, but honestly they are hard guys not to like or want to have a beer with. Considering I’m the bossiest person I know, and have the tendency to try and control most situations, it’s shocking that I can even stand in a room with men like this but I’m telling you, its like a fatal attraction….

My Top Ten Reasons to date a firefighter:

1-Umm the most obvious of all reasons. The Fantasy! DUH….Rescue me in that big shiny red truck, with all those muscles, wearing that sexy uni anytime! Girls you know when you see a bunch of firemen hop out that truck you lose your shit!! Don’t even get me started on Stampede when they also wear cowboys hats!! GOOD LORD! I’d suggest having a spare uni at home 😉

2-They’re in great shape (legit they are required to be for work, no dad bods here). If it wasn't a total invasion of privacy I’d link my friend’s Instagram accounts here so that you could see these babes in action….close your eyes and just picture that Firefighter Calendar girls.

3-Shift work. Hello, me time!!! The key to any great relationship is having enough time apart. Shift work is the perfect match to the ordinary 9-5 Monday to Friday hustle. Nothing more snooze worthy than being on the same schedule as your man. The monotony of walking through the door together at exactly 5:15 pm every day is like a death sentence in my opinion. Ugh, when the hell am I supposed to put on a face mask, pound back a bag of ketchup chips, and watch Gossip Girl?!?!? Shift work guarantees that you'll both get time on your own and be more excited when you actually get to spend time together.

4-Manliness and Handiness! This industry runs off testosterone, no pussies here! I don't know about you, but nothing turns me off more than a guy who doesn't know how to fix shit. I mean, I can totally change a tire myself and handle most power tools like a BOSS but if I had the choice I’d much prefer if a hot man came to my rescue. Your fireman boyfriend can definitely fix your pipes. Ah hem 🙊    

5-No money chasers here. It's no secret that firefighters don't make mad cash but let’s be real: typically, men who are fuelled by money over passion aren't happy and are usually obsessed with material things, and always looking for the next best thing. That includes you sista!

6-Despite the naughty rap that a lot of these guys get (girls, you know you can spot them... you're 100% at fault if you choose to ignore the signals, dumb dumb) there are actually some really good guys in the mix. I mean, they have chosen to pursue a very difficult career for the sole purpose of helping others and you gotta admire that. Ok Ok, they also totally know that women love firemen, but whatever.

7-Yum yum, these men can cook!! They literally HAVE to for work. Praise the lord, do I need to say anything else? There are traditional male and female roles that I’m into but women doing all of the cooking is NOT one of them. This lady is an absolute nightmare in the kitchen, nothing makes me happier than a man who can cook!

8-Friends! These guys form bonds with the others they work with like nothing I’ve ever seen before. That’s saying a lot coming from me: I’ve had the same group of girlfriends since I was 5 years old!!! You wont ever be short on people to invite over for a BBQ, to help you move, or to tip back a few beers with. These guys have formed lifelong friendships that can’t be broken, guaranteeing you’ll have some good peeps around and always be laughing

9-There seems to be some kind of a connection with implants and the girlfriends/wives of firemen….Personally I’ve never considered getting fake boobs and God bless these itty bitties of mine, but if someone is offering, I’m IN!!!!

10-Visits to the firehall are permitted at anytime….that means you and your girlfriends can play dress up, slide the pole, and treat yourselves to some eye candy anytime you like!

All that said, these guys do come with some warnings and as with any group, there are definitely a few tricksters hidden in the mix. The naughty ones will use all of these 10 points to their advantage so keep your eyes out ladies, don’t let 'em bamboozle you!! Remember that no man has ever gotten himself a killer six pack to only share it with only ONE woman…proceed with caution. Or, hell, throw caution to the wind and do your thaaaaang girl:)

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Newsflash: I’ve just come to terms with the fact that I'm not at all the graceful woman that I've led myself to believe I am. I was reminiscing recently about some of the biggest gong show moments in my life and It just hit me…like wait? I am a friggin disaster! Honestly, all these years I’ve legitimately thought that crazy stuff just kinda happens to me but the reality is that I am the source of the calamity!

My lack of grace started young. I’m flashing back to summers on the beach with my BFF who somehow always managed to float down the beach like a Victoria's Secret model: never breaking a sweat, gracefully maneuvering over the rocky Canadian beaches and always looking beautiful. Then there’s the painful picture of me beside her…huffing it down the beach, like a big wet reckless dog (picture a big dumb dog, like a Neuf or a Bernese mountain dog just smiling away without a damn clue what is happening), rolling my ankles tripping on rocks, sweating profusely, sporting horrendously unattractive board shorts, just shlepping along beside my beauty of a best friend! Honestly, not a shred of grace to be found.

Over the years, I have sustained multiple injuries, bruised my ego too many times to count, and ultimately embarrassed the shit outta myself. Thinking about it now, there are so many situations that all point to YOU ARE A DISASTER!

Like the time…

I choked on the plastic liner from a bottle cap. You know the one on which you can win a prize, but would never consider putting in your mouth?? Ya that one. I had to be rushed to the hospital, resulting in a 13 hour wait for a surgery to remove it from my throat. And NO you assholes, I did not win a prize. My 13th Birthday :(

Or there’s the time…

I was stung by a BEE, directly on the LIP, while riding on the back of a MOTORCYLCE. True friggin story!! How is that even a possibility?!?! My Sunday motorcycle ride ended with a shit ton of Benadryl, an ice pack on my face while I bawled like the baby I am, and frequent bellows to my then boyfriend “DO NOT LOOK AT ME’, while I laid there asking God why he hated me so much. Have you seen the move Hitch? If not, type "Hitch swollen face" into Google. I legitimately looked like a monster straight out of a horror movie. YIKES! Instant black eyes, face swollen like I was the elephant man. Surely I'm the only person on the entire planet who has suffered this unique misfortune, right?

And perhaps what might actually be my most disastrous moment in life…

Snorkelling!!! Sure, I’ll head out into the wide open oceans of Cabo San Lucas with nothing but a tiny flag sticking up out of the water…..why not?! I mean I probably should have considered my general lack of swimming abilities as a bit of a warning but after a few cervezas this seemed like the best idea ever! Maybe 15 minutes in, I'm out there bobbing around in the waves and I realize that there are boats and seadoos flying by every which way (most likely also powered by a few cervezas). Anxiety is creeping in HARD when I notice the massive rocks that are getting closer and closer with every wave. Full blown panic sets in and all I can now visualize is my bikini body being slammed against the rocks, obviously resulting in my quick but terrifying drowning death. I’m outta here! I start swimming for my life, doing everything humanly possible to head in the direction of the beach. Bam! I’m completely annihilated by a wave. I’m sent spinning into shore like a dead little fish or, maybe a more accurate description: like a leaf in a god damn salad spinner. My head pops out of the water gasping for air, I stand up and take a couple of steps towards the beach, thanking Jesus I am alive!!! It’s then I realize that my swim suit bottom has collected approximately 50lbs of sand during my spin underwater. The weight of all the sand has literally forced my swim suit off my ass! I’m basically standing there with a sand diaper at my ankles and my vagina is in FULL view for the entire beach to see. Worse though is that I still have my flippers on so I am now awkwardly walking backwards (you try running in flippers…IMPOSSIBLE) into the ocean with my hands in an X over my Kitty until it is deep enough for me to basically just sit down and pray that the ocean will sweep me away and put me out of my misery!!!

Bottom line here, I am about as graceful as a hog on ice. In an effort to be less of a gong show I’m pretty sure I’ll be avoiding adventurous activities like sky diving, skiing, or maybe even leaving my house at all.

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Tabletop handholding...Is this a thing? I have many thoughts on it, but mostly I just detest this move. I hate to be Negative Nancy but it honestly makes me cringe. I was recently on a first date and the guy reached across the table and grabbed my hand. THE HORROR!! I snapped my hand back like I had touched a hot stovetop…third degree burns would have been just as painful as what I’d just experienced. I can only imaging the look on my face? Who does that? ON A FIRST DATE! I was mortified and too scared to look around the restaurant to see how many people had witnessed this embarrassing scene.

The thing is, I really have no issues with PDA at all. In fact, I actually adore seeing people in love, and I’m a pretty affectionate gal myself, but hand holding across a table is just straight up awkward.  I think it’s dumb and totally unnatural to reach across a table and hold someone’s hand. Is anyone with me???? How am I supposed to take a sip of my beverage? Should I awkwardly eat my meal with one hand? It’s paralyzing! I get it when you’re walking, it’s sweet. Also when sitting next to each other, it’s very natural for your hand to fall onto the lap next to you. That all makes sense to me but honestly I think the only time tabletop handholding is ok is when you’re delivering serious news, and the person on the other end is going to legitimately need your support through said handholding. Like really awful news, i.e. ‘I lost my job’, i.e. ‘so and so has cancer’, i.e. ‘we have to put the dog down’…these are all examples of difficult, devastating news, where the handholding is a necessary requirement to get that person through the conversation. It is NEVER acceptable in any other circumstance, especially a first date. Never. EVER.

This same guy, now known as TCT (Too Close Timmy), later left his seat across the table to come and sit next to me on the bench my side of the table. Was he kidding me??? Again…THE HORROR! I have never been more uncomfortable in my entire life. I started profusely sweating, my face was burning red with embarrassment, and for real if I could have jumped out of my own skin I would have. How could this guy think this was a good idea? My reaction to his first demonstration of awkward HORROR was NOT good. I had a very negative response to his handholding, so what the hell made this fool think that sitting on my side of the table and nuzzling up to me would be a good idea? THE WORST!! I legitimately had to look TCT in the face and ask him to return to his seat. To which he laughed and said ‘Oh, you’re just being silly’. Like NO bud, I’m not flirting with you nor am I being silly. I seriously want you to get the hell away from me and return to your seat so that I can escape this torturous and horribly embarrassing date. This guy clearly wasn’t picking up anything I was putting down. Learn to read the signals people, its a very important skill.

I know first dates can be a little awkward, but that’s also what usually makes them fun! There are many things that can make a date go sideways real quick, but then there’s tabletop handholding. Thats next level.

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Many of my funniest stories do start with ‘this guy I met on Tinder…’ but I promise you the humour in it has nothing to do with the internet, I’ve met just as many ridiculous humans in my everyday life, including the massive weirdos I call my friends! Ah ha, seriously you know who you are.  

The dating world is insanely different from the last time I was single. Apps like Tinder have made getting a date as easy as ordering a pizza. Seriously…have you tried this? It’s literally that easy! Swipe through profile photos, say hello, and place an order….oops I mean plan a date ;) Hot and fresh, at your door in 30!! Just kidding, I would NEVER let a stranger come to my door, since I pretty much think everyone is a murderer. Definite character flaw; I can fully admit that I have an abnormal fear of strangers.

The thought of a dating app was extremely horrifying to me in the beginning (largely due to previously mentioned fear of murderers) but according to all my friends EVERYONE was doing it, and so it began….

Wine glass in hand, embarrassment flooding my veins, following the step by step instructions required to enter the world of Tinder. Yikes, how did this become my actual life!!? Unbeknownst to me, Tinder automatically selects your last five Facebook profile photos and uses them as your photos. There I was, cluelessly trying to write a cute/funny/charming little blurb describing me, focusing on not wanting to kill myself over the brutal reality of my dating life, while completely unaware that my new profile boasts a close up, lovey dovey, selfie of my ex and me.  REALLY TINDER?? FML. Ok ok lets all have a little laugh at the irony of my new dating profile photo being me and my ex. Ugh Brutal!!

As if THAT wasn't enough, my ex was apparently some kind of Tinder Fucking Ninja and somehow had enough time in the five minutes I was setting the whole thing up to come across my profile, screen shot it, send it to me, and give me the gears about my new venture into online dating. I mean my ex is a nice enough guy, but let’s be honest that’s an asshole move. There was no need to send that to me, total unnecessary dick-ery! Ok fine, look at my profile, have a little laugh, and go on with your life. That glass of wine I was drinking quickly became a jug! I hadn't even gone on a date and Tinder was already a NIGHTMARE!

This ridiculous five minutes that was my intro to Tinder might have you assuming that I didn't make it past setting up that profile but this little lady doesn't give up that easy, getting back into the dating world was actually something I was pretty excited about. I mean what else is there to do?? Bring on the cuties :)

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Let me introduce myself

Ok sooooo I'm only about a decade late to the blog game, but what the hell?!

Let me introduce myself, I’m an incessant rambler with a self serving love of story telling. Nothing makes me happier than a good old gossip gab!! Telling one of the hilarious stories that is my ACTUAL life is honestly what I live for. It’s just kind of my thing. “Giiiiiirl, I have a story for you?!’ rolls off my tongue more frequently than any other combination of words.

Though all of my stories are based on true events, let’s just state now that I’m not afraid to add in a few small embellishments if it makes for a better story and ultimately gets the laugh!  Sooo let’s not hold me to every word k? I will protect the names of the individuals in my stories…Schmevin will be used instead of Kevin as an example ;)

You should also know that I frequently become OBSESSED with things…like truly obsessed and feel the need to share. I once tortured a new co worker with hours on end of the Nick Jonas album due to my completely inappropriate obsession with him. And honestly, I didn't even feel bad about it! I mean have you SEEN the Mark Walburg-esque photo shoot he did???? Woaah! HEARTS FOR EYES!

umm scroll down….trust!

I digress… Let’s get to the Censors warning!!! Though I live for hair and make up, this little lady packs a potty mouth and admittedly, I’m far from a sweet little cupcake. My apologies in advance for the frequent use of the FBOMB and any other potential things that may offend you or maybe even just make you shake your head. Got that judgey judger?!!?!? You've been warned.

Bottom line, I’ve got stories to tell, thoughts on just about everything on the planet, dating stories that you will definitely think I made up, and I constantly blab the ears off of anyone who will listen. This blog is intended to be a place for me to blah blah blogg about the humour in everyday life, laugh off the nightmare that is dating in 2016, and to share in the common bond of what a gong show life can be! So let us all have a laugh at my expense :)