blah-girl-blog

[blah-girl-blog]

Dear Self,

I have been trying to ignore all these whirlwind of emotions. It’s complicated. I know in my heart it’s over because of all the chances, he doesn’t even tried to at least be good to me. We both know he failed this. And I am tired anymore, sick of it.

We’re still together but I don’t have connection. I don’t have topics to talk to. I used to be excited about how my day went but now it’s different. I love him for sure but not as the same as before. He cannot blame me.

[blah-girl-blog]

Dear Self,

I don’t know where to start. All I know is my feelings for him is fading or it’s already gone.

•When the kids and I went to Cebu to have medical checkup, he did not come with us. Rather, he partied all night and didn’t come home

•caught the suspected mistress texted him

•he hurt me when I attempted to break up with him. He held the scissors and stabbed the foam. It was really traumatic.

•caught that he has fake fb account under the name Jay John

•when he told me he had already deleted his fake fb account, a week after that I caught that he didn’t delete it but instead changed it to Jayson Johnson. 🙄

Imagine the stresses I have. So yeah, I am not needy anymore and I don’t hope that he will change because clearly, nobody will change.

[blah-girl-blog]

So my cousin brought my first YSL purchase. It’s a Black Cassandra Flats. Price is $795 plus 15% tax in Canada (₱36k in the Philippines).

I love love love it because aside from the comfort, finally it fits me totally. hoping for my next designer purchase.

Credits to my cousin and her friend Arl.

[blah-girl-blog]

Got our lashes done. of course it had to be New Lounge.

[blah-girl-blog]

I always long for my husband’s attention despite everything he had done. last night, I wonder... why would I chase someone who doesn’t give me his best?

from now on, I will give my full attention to my kids and my parents.

[blah-girl-blog]

Always remember, love yourself.

You deserve it and no one does it better than you.

[blah-girl-blog]

Dear Self,

I know it’s been 11 years that you’ve fought this love that you think it’s worth fighting for. But is it really worth fighting for? Is it really the kind of love worth fighting for when your mental health has been greatly affected? is it the kind of love worth fighting for when the “love” of your life keeps on hurting you, doing things that can make you feel sad? Bringing you into this downward spiral.

How long are you going to make these things happen in your life? This is not the love that you deserve and you know that. But you are hoping that somehow he will change. But does he changed? Can someone really change that much? Instead of doing the right things, he keeps on doing stupid things. Maybe you are stupid because you keep on waiting for a miracle. Please honey, value yourself, love yourself, put yourself first. I hope someday you will have the courage to finally let go of the things that hurt you And somehow let go the person you think worth fighting for.

xoxo,

j.

[blah-girl-blog]

My husband was gambling yesterday. I did not argue about it because I am overwhelmed about this cycle. He won. Unfortunately, he went to gamble again in our city so you guess what happened.

You know, I’ve built this wall to not get easily affected because honestly, I am so tired and some days I get offended about the happenings in my surroundings which I realized I just overreacted. So stressed but trying to make hobbies to divert it.

I’m thinking about relearning to play pingpong again. I want to reminisce those times where I spent most of my free time in college just playing pingpong.

[blah-girl-blog]

As I am typing this post, Jariel is sleeping beside me. Before she slept, she told me to ”lablab”(hug her tight) her. Jarich is in my parents’ room sleeping. I asked him earlier why‘d he won’t sleep with us, he told me that he is a big brother. He is so close to my parents and I am glad about it because I am an only child. Somehow I know they need someone to lambing them. Both my kids are so sweet, they melt my heart.

I have to continue watching Red Notice.

xoxo,

j.

[blah-girl-blog]

I’m in my room now from work. Just thinking so might as well write this down. The kids are not yet here, kid 1 is in the other room while kid 2 is in my in laws.

I have a fair share of misfortunate events especially my marital life. I am married now for almost 6 years and yet during these years, I must say I have had experienced it all- bliss and extreme pain. The pain that won’t easily fade because it leaves deeper scar and when it’s about to heal, there’s another wound again.

They say in order to move forward with no baggages we must forgive those who have hurt us. Well it is easier said than done. I haven’t forgiven my husband and I cannot forget too. Every day, I am reminded of those unforgivable things he has done and he doesn’t have any remorse at all. If he just tried to be a little bit better husband today than yesterday, then maybe I have already forgiven him. But that’s not the case and I cannot force him to change.

It seems like life just hit me really hard on this. These painful memories are causing me too much pain. Yet, I always have a choice and right now I choose today. I have to live in the present in order for me to be a better mother to my kids.

Xoxo,

j.

[blah-girl-blog]

Make more blogs.

yes. thank you for reading.

[blah-girl-blog]

Growing up, I didn’t have great stories to tell really. My life then was just living most of the time in our room, just watching my favorite shows in Disney or read novels and magazines. It might sound boring but for introverts like me... it was FUN!

So this is me... I would love to write every glimpse in my life, every thought in my mind and every whisper in my soul.

A personal diary.

A confession.

A naked truth.

xoxo,

j.