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“I still catch myself feeling sad about things that don’t matter anymore.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

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i think i‘ll always love you

even if its just a little bit

ten years from now a piece of my heart will still beat for you

maybe its the curiosity of ,what if‘

or maybe its the emptiness speaking

but nomatter why,

i‘ll always love you

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“I stopped explaining myself when I realized people only understand from their level of perception.”

— Unknown

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My childhood trauma didn't make me stronger. it made me a people pleaser. it made me forgive way too much. it made me not speak when i'm supposed to. it made me an extreme empath.

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You think attention is love and that’s why you suffer so deeply.

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People aren't homes, they never will be. People are rivers, always changing, forever flowing. They will disappear with everything you put inside them.

~ Nikita Gill

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The best revenge is none. Move on and heal yourself so you don’t become like the people who traumatized you.

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Once we start loving ourselves, people no longer seem good to us unless they are actually good for us.

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stop sending those long paragraph messages explaining how their actions hurt you, they know they did, they just didn't care. save your energy

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The older you get, the more you choose calmness over drama and distance over disrespect. You prioritize your peace, mental health, and happiness - over everything.

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I will remove anyone from my life to protect the peace that I've worked so hard for. Nobody took me out of the dark. I did it on my own.

Unknown

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“I like how sleeping next to someone means more than sex sometimes, the body’s way of saying ‘I trust you to be by my side at my most vulnerable time,’ you have no defenses when you are asleep, you tell no lies”

— Eric Shaw

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Men be like "she's literally my dream girl" and then ruin her perspective on love forever.

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Neon Genesis Evangelion (1995-1996)

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i broke my own heart trying to be enough.

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In the past, when I have described the pervasiveness of BPD, I have repeatedly run into an issue/symptom that I’ve struggled to explain. 

It is a phenomena that is actually very common among people with BPD, but for the most part, is classified under another subset of symptoms or never spoken about directly.

Object permanence is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be observed 

Emotional Permanence, therefore, is the understanding that emotions (and other abstract concepts and expressions like love) continue to exist when they cannot be observed

Many people with BPD have difficulty recalling or recreating any given emotion without the stimuli behind that emotion being present

Issues with Emotional Permanence are particularly noticeable in our relationships with other people. I think that this is a major reason why we constantly seek reassurance, and why we are so often plagued by fear of abandonment. When a person in our lives removes an emotional stimuli via the absence of their presence or reassurance, we find it difficult to recall if that reassurance ever existed.

So, an example: Someone reassures us that we are loved, that we are not annoying them. We are comforted. That person goes away for a while, or doesn’t explicitly mention those words for a while. When that happens, we no longer recall being loved or reassured. While we can be provided concrete evidence of those reassurances, we cannot recreate, revisit, or properly reflect upon the intention and emotions within that exchange, thus we feel unloved, or begin to worry about being annoying.

This is typically when emotions skew towards a depressive cycle. We feel as anxious and depressed as we did before we were reassured the first time. So at this point, we typically seek out additional reassurance. If it’s given, it comforts us, but it does not prevent the cycle from happening again. (Sometimes it’s not given, because in a Catch-22 of mentally ill BS, we end up annoying someone by asking them if we’re annoying them too often)

Because this issue is so difficult to pinpoint, there aren’t many resources on how to cope with it. I don’t have any coping strategies myself (although I’ve been putzing around with a few- reassurance flashcards of some sort?), but I’m hoping to start a larger conversation on this. Meanwhile, I hope this can help people identify what they are struggling with.