bleeditouttonight

[bleeditouttonight]

the drive home 

sat across each other, sipping from the same long standing glass. ice melting into the green, making it paler by the minute. condensation that’s drenched the poor excuse of a napkin beneath it. 

they only look up every so often, just to make sure the other is fine, before continuing with their work in silence. 

and when the night comes to its end, they make their way back. hands holding each other, quiet music in the background and both lost in their own heads. 

peaceful. if there’s one word that could sum them up, it would be that. 

in a different life, they’d drag their sleepy selves to the same home, collapsing on to the bed in a tangle of limbs and breaths. 

but for tonight, they say their goodnights and goodbyes, and seal it with a kiss.

[bleeditouttonight]

you can sleep if you want to.

in places that don't belong to either of us, we find ourselves lost in a sea of blankets limbs tangled around each other, like we've spoken about for so long a taste of heaven, cocooned in your arms close enough for me to inhale your exhales

i could spend hours, days, tracing every inch of your face commiting to memory the mountains and valleys that form the terrain that was made for my hands to travel over i watch as your eyelids get heavier, your breaths slower, until you've given in to the call of sleep

if i could crawl beneath your skin and claim the land that lay there, i would if i could hide between every crevice of your soul and make you feel whole, i would if i could flow through your veins and befriend the butterflies that reside there, i would

in our perfect world for two, we lay in silence the thrum of our heartbeats, the only thing we can hear the soft skin we endlessly explore, the only thing we can feel the golden specks in our brown eyes, the only thing we can see

the whole world could collapse around us at that moment, and we wouldn't know in each others arms, we've found our peace and love, you can sleep if you want to i've got you

[bleeditouttonight]

for a birthday.

what can i write about you that i haven’t told you yet? 

i could fill an entire notebook writing about your incredible mind – from your opinions on all the different topics we’ve spoken about over these past few months to all your ideas, no matter how big or small. i am so in awe of the way your brain puts together your thoughts and presents them in the most beautiful manner. i could spend a lifetime conversing with you and it would still be interesting.

i could wax poetic about your heart – how i’ve very rarely come across someone as thoughtful, sensitive and kind as you are. how you are so incredibly genuine and true to yourself, no matter what and how at ease you make people feel around you. 

i could try my hand at writing about how talented you are – from how good are at what your job to just how excellent you are with every skill you’ve managed to pick up over the years, from dancing to painting to music and even writing now (you word things better than i could ever). 

i could spray paint terraces about how funny and witty you are – no matter how many points i begrudgingly take away from you, no one has ever made me snort laugh (sometimes at inappropriate times – hello toastmasters) or make me exhale out of my nose as much as you have. your humour works in the most interesting of ways and i hope i can always laugh to your jokes.

and if i’m allowed to, i could write about a few more things. 

i could write sonnets about your hands – how the first time i held them, it felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. how every time you’ve touched me, it’s sent shivers down my spine – whether it’s been accidental or when you’ve taken your time writing iloveyous on my skin. 

i could write a whole song about just your eyes – my goodness could i get lost there for an eternity. from your lashes that can flutter against mine anytime they wanted to take flight to the way your gaze softens if we hold eye contact for too long. 

i could go down a spiral writing about your curls – still damp from a shower, waiting for me in a parking lot or when you tie it up in a bun higher than the sky to all the times i’ve left flowers in them, there has never been a time where i haven’t wanted to reach out and wrap a couple of curls around my fingers. 

i could keep writing about you until i run out of words and it still wouldn’t be enough to explain to the world just how wonderful of a human being you are. 

so for now, 

happy birthday, dot. 

knowing you and loving you has been one of the most magical things to happen to me in my life. 

i hope you have the bestest year ahead with an abundance of happiness (you can even take a share of my happiness as well) 

i love you always ♡ 

[bleeditouttonight]

"this isn't supposed to feel bad, we didn't break each others hearts"

but i'm still sad, and i'm sat here listening to sad music and everything seems to be about us. every work of art, about us. every painting, every word, every song.

and the worst part? i can't talk about this to anyone, cos it never happened, did it? the only person i can talk to about it, is you. it's you. but i can't to you about it. because none of this happened. none of it was real. but it was. to me.

this was supposed to be a nothing, and i understand we had to end it because it didn't feel like nothing anymore but you were you were everything you are everything

i'm sorry i only ever know how to feel in extremes and for now, it's sadness and there's so much of it and i need to see you in a few hours and how how am i expected to go back to who we were before how am i supposed to pretend like less than 24 hours ago, we weren't whispering i love yous to each other and trading kisses how am i going to do this

we'll be fine, you say

we will be, no? we have to.

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heartbreak is supposed to be good for your art, no?

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aim lower, that's the one that stuck with you.

don't tempt me, because i will aim lower. and that will end everything.

[bleeditouttonight]

yes or maybe. maybe?

perfect first meet, but I've known you for over a decade lil scare from behind is my muted and shy "back hug", you're looking pretty and playful in that beautiful dress. we finish a cold coffee and i crunch on the ice to cool my nerves. fighting with myself to hold you or not, I grab you by your shoulders and we enter into art. something someone created just for the two of us to have this moment. we're in the middle of what looks like our world suspended in time before the droplets hit the ground. you lead, I follow, but you don't hear me anymore. your irresistible orpheus turns back to my eurydice to see where I am and just as our eyes meet, i drop down to one knee...

or,

a stolen lunch date, where i thought i would get not more than a few minutes, turned into this beautiful day spent, tucked away in a nook, a beer in one hand, an evo in another. we spend the afternoon trying to push food down a stomach that's full of butterflies to whom we now pay homage to by naming kisses after them. we both sneak peeks at our fingers that have found little partners of their own to cuddle with. we hug and a gentle breeze hits your ear, sounds a lot like the words i love you' and a small kiss wraps up the hug, as i drop down to one knee...

or,

another weekday work date at a cafe becomes home to a cozy couple, couped up in their coffin corner waiting for a comet's contact (tsk, what's with the juvenile attempt at alliterations). so close, we fuse into one. we're sitting here at the spot where we will later spot the spot that we were split from (repetition? juvenile again mate) but for today, consuelo's symphony is the best soundtrack to get lost in eachother and be found in the skies of phuket. pushing the table away, i put my hands on your thighs, as i drop down on one knee...

or,

every second that i drive, our hands are locked in we darken the car to give a million kisses to eachother butterflies are shy when they see us do their thing we tattoo every cell with words for just you and i i've looked at you looking at me so much, if we were sculptors we could build eachother from memory

a side car hug pushes your body up against mine, it's special cuz it's one of the few times most of you gets most of me and just as we pull away from that hug, i drop down on one knee...

or,

an exhibition we missed in a different nation, follows us around to show itself to us here. we enter into art, something someone made, just for the two of us.

it's not just a journey through an artist's work, it's a journey through the science of us. every passing screenprint on paper bring your hands closer and closer to mine until you're one with me again. we stand as playful lovers in a sea of silver balloons, and i drop down on one knee? mmh.. we enter a physical manifestation of a room we've made up in our heads, for the dance we've done a thousand times in our heads (one l've planned so hard in my head wondering how to make happen, when I all I had to do was just be!?), hug in many different ways, like we have in our heads. as that unmuted and fully confident "back hug" -where most of you gets most of me- releases and dancing queen ends, the silence gives me a window and i drop down on one knee. mmh. we walk out of the doors and look up to an opened up heaven sprinkling love and in moments pouring it on us, two little imperfect lovers being washed by nature's perfect gift and this time the drops slam the ground and burst at our feet, we're at our peak, thinking "what's more to want?" my lover and i, drenched in rain and our love, in a hole underground, silence all around except her heartbeat and mine. everything is perfect, no words can describe it...i drop down on one knee.....to tie my shoelace that's been undone for about five paragraphs now!

we grab eachother's hands thinking 'an afternoon well spent ♡'

[bleeditouttonight]

there was moreeeee.

there was more, and my poor heart does not know how to deal with it.

you're the kind of love i've wanted my whole life. you're the kind of love i've read about. you're the kind of love i've watched on screen. you're the kind of love i want to love.

and for the first time, i'm getting back the kind of love i give.

[bleeditouttonight]

what wasn't.

the following story is purely fictional and does not depict any real life events. a languid summer afternoon, surrounded by silence and space. hearts on standby, no expectations. breathe in, breathe out.

"can i waste all your time here on this sidewalk?" you only needed to ask.

an aimless drive, we're followed by unexpected clouds. you weren't here all these days, where have you come from? an aimless drive, hands that never left each other. you weren't here all these days, we can't let go now.

it's not often that life comes full circle, but when it does, best believe it'll be in the most beautiful way. an experience we missed in a different country, an experience that seemed to come here just for us.

we find ourselves in the dark, hands reaching out, finding the other in this very darkness. i've missed you i've missed you i've missed you. lips searching for every available space on your face, hands holding on to every part of me. i love you i love you i love you. we trace words on skin, leave art on each other that's meant for no one else but us. i'm in love with you.

a gallery made for two, perhaps we were meant to be the art. time is on our side today, we don't have anywhere to be. let's stay here a little longer. shy hands searching for the other, fitting together like puzzle pieces do when they finally meet.

in a sea of silver we find ourselves, i sneak glances at you imprinting this moment into the back of my eyelids. it's almost as if the world decides to be a little more magical when it's just you and i.

dreams we've had of a dance, brought to reality by fate. reflections of us all around, disco balls lighting up this room. a little you, a little me – wrapped up in the other. dancing to music that isn't ours, but this moment is ours and ours alone.

arms that fit perfectly around waists hands that rest themselves on necks you twirl me around, a fleeting hug from the back and in that moment, we are seventeen again.

an afternoon spent well, we write in anonymity. after all, this never happened.

we step out into what feels like a dream. midsummer rain. a single raincloud above us. has someone has been assigned to just make my wishes come true? how else could this be real?

down a spiral of stairs, we find ourselves in each others' arms being sent kisses by the skies and the ocean. the quiet pitter patter around us, petrichor hanging in the air these are moments one can only write about.

holding off our goodbyes, holding on to us. this warped time always feels like too little and too much. let's just stay here, let's just disappear. let's just wait till that car moves.

if i had all the time in the world with you, it still wouldn't be enough to crawl through your thoughts and know what you think, what you see, what you feel. i want to know everything about you. i want to know you.

we sit across each other, our eyes never leaving the each others. a constant reminder in my head about our fence. there's something to be said about our resolve. we're stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

a breath that echoed through this bubble, your kiss that caused this heart to flip. if we weren't who we were, this is the moment i'd meet you on the other side of the fence.

a hug that left the heart yearning for more. heartbeats that were loud enough for the other to hear. i love you, i love you, i love you that's the beginning and end of it all.

there's so much more that was felt that day which cannot be written about – a kiss upon ears, butterflies for our eyes, invisible words written on every surface we could find, hands that traced your lips, a cheeky tongue, touching elbows that were reminiscent of a different time. things that will always stay in my head but that's what this bittersweet dance of ours is, it's something that never happened.

[bleeditouttonight]

"we'll have our own little concert with the best playlist we know and hold each other tighter than we ever could have at coldplay and those lil led bands will have nothing on the sparks that fly out of us"

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“i love you in a way i’m not allowed to, so i’ll keep trying to forget you”

[bleeditouttonight]

i want to crawl inside your head.

do you mean this?

what were you thinking, sending me this?

like i wouldn't obsess over it and absorb these words into my very being.

[bleeditouttonight]

you really have no right to feel this way. this was never supposed to be a 'thing'. it was everything, but it was also nothing. yes, it's poetic and everything you've ever let go of had claw marks on it or whatever. but it's not real life. this is real life. you are married. he is married. he is a DAD, for crying out loud. you've sat here in this room with him for far too long, pretending you were both not the people you were. it was escapism for both of you. just two people who live in their heads, making their daydreams come to life even for a little while.

but now you need to step back. you need to let go of this imaginary world of yours.

but WHY. WHY is it so difficult for me to let go. WHY do i get attached so quick. WHY do i make my entire life revolve around something that doesn't exist. WHY am i the only one who's in too deep. WHY am i the only one having these thoughts.

i can't even say this shit out loud. it sounds ridiculous and no one will understand.

am i just a bad person?

yes, i think you might be.

[bleeditouttonight]

parts of me. parts of you.

hair. hidden away on two front seats, you move my hair away from my face. gentle, cautious, inquisitive. underneath the curtain you'll find eyes filled with everything i want to tell you. words i can't seem to speak into existence. words you'll understand even if i don't say them out loud.

forehead. tucked into the corner of a coffee shop. hidden away from prying eyes, an afternoon spent like lovers. faces separated by nothing but a breath, resolve holding on by nothing but a thread. you lean your head forward to my shoulder. who would i be if i didn't place a kiss on the perfectly positioned forehead.

eyelashes. close enough to find a lone eyelash on your skin. a wish i hope comes true for you.

eyes. if all conversations between us could be had with just the meeting of our eyes, we'd walk away understanding everything the other wanted to say. my questions, reflected in yours. your answers, reflected in mine. your eyes make this dance of ours dangerously precarious for me.

cheeks. moments i've stored at the back of my head, only to be brought back in times of need. cold hands on a warm cheek, thumbs tracing shapes in invisible ink. palms holding on to both, wake up, you said.

ears. your fingers trace their way across my ears as if they were something to be memorised. something you can redraw from memory if asked. never did i place such importance on my ears, until i realised these ears are what heard you call me 'my love'.

nose. bodies pressed so close, we might as well be part of each other. the scent of yours mixed with mine, shirts that smell like the other. the only remnants of a day that just you and i will know of.

lips. separated by two palms. separated by two papers. nothing more, nothing more.

chin. a kiss on two fingertips, gently placed upon a bruise. a kiss that was close enough to elicit a gasp and a straightening of the spine. pushing boundaries, wondering how close we can get before it's too close.

neck. the whisper of a kiss on mine. leaving your heart and on to my skin. the trail of kisses across your face that ended on your neck. moments that took both our breaths away.

shoulder. holding on to a woven shirt for the duration of an afternoon. holding on for a goodbye. resting my face, resting my eyes. i could fall asleep just nestled there, but falling asleep would mean skipping out on time. kisses would have to do, peppered across them. each a quiet confession.

elbows. an innocent roadtrip. mouths that were quiet and minds that were anything but. how beautiful, how odd, how magical – that my thoughts weren't just mine. what i thought, you thought. what i felt, you felt.

hands. from accidental brushes of hands at games to ten seconds that made a heart want to jump out of its ribcage and now hours of hands that never left sight of each other. if our hands could speak, they would recount tales of longing and comfort and home. of finding different ways to fit in each other. of finding new shapes to trace onto the other. of love letters written in invisible ink. of knuckles that were recipients to breathy kisses. constantly in touch. constantly exploring. this is a love story of hands.

knees. i love you. and that's for just us to know.

[bleeditouttonight]

a goodbye that was perfect in every single way and yet it broke my heart (and that's okay)

this time last week, with alcohol fueling my courage, i asked you to meet the next day. today, we stole moments once again. it's the same. it's not the same.

this was everything. so incredibly beautiful. every moment, burned into the back of my eyelids. i write because i don't want to forget. i never want to forget. the whispered i love yous. the endless explorations. tracing words on skin that only we'll know were there. being close enough to mistake one's heartbeats for the other's.

this isn't everything. but this is all for now.

thank you. i love you. don't be a stranger.

[bleeditouttonight]

things you've said - to be phrased out better later

before

You have me shaking, my evo.

I don’t think there ever exists or will exist - a story like ours. An opportunity nobody gets, feeling nobody can feel and words that no other brains can word. 

People are crazy not to sit you down and just look at and through you, and appreciate every little cell of your whole presence and treat you with the softness and admiration that you very much deserve.

When we’ve spoken about or when I’ve seen the remnants of your self harm phase I think to myself “ah if this one could just look at the mirror and see what I see” 

I hope and wish every arrow that’s meant to hurt you, turns into that little white flower you always give me when it hits you 

I should have held your hand and pulled you and I shouldd have been walking before you and looking back at you looking at me 

When you said your face is warm, I should have held them to check if you were right 

I shouldn’t have scared you. I should have instead given you a hug from the bak and whispered “sorry if I scared you” 

Stay until those minutes turn into hours 

Words until they’re books 

And glances until they’re (?)

after

i’m gonna ride on today’s high for a very very very very long time. 

thank you  thank you so much, my love 

i can still feel the whisper of a kiss on my neck  that kiss felt so good leaving my heart and sticking on you 

i can still hear the breathy i love you in my heart  and the feeling is exactly how it was when i first heard it

i cannot compare this to anything other than a drug  it’s a proper intoxicating whisper 

it was everything you are everything

you just had to be my evo - my favourite writer, the best seize the moment kinda person, the one with the endless empathy and the kindest heart, my coziest blanket, my most subtle lover with the softest whispers of words that weight tonnes. all while having that set of teeth. 

“let’s meet atleast once a year” 

yeah sure. stay in my heart soul mind 24/7 please and maybe just come and cuddle with me for hours too while you’re at it. kiss my hands, write on my arms, tell me you love me a million times too. 

every second was ticking so loud in my head when you weren’t in contact with me and as soon as you’d touch, it’s just silence and only heartbeat sounds 

i’ll make so many invisible tattoos of love on you

orbiting around each other for a decade  and then we eclipsed in the most beautiful way

hey you i love you 🖤 like mad, like stupid 

a painless wholesome fulfilling heartbreak, this goodbye 

i’m sorry, i do feel sad. i know im not supposed to and we decided we won’t feel sad but i do feel a tiny bit sad. but i think the sad gives the happiness more value. 

[bleeditouttonight]

what happened (what happened in my head) 

a touch on my back. did i scare you? 

(you did, but I’m more in awe of the fact that you’re here with me)

my arms around your neck. yours around my back. hi. hello. 

(please stay a little longer) 

sitting across the table. sharing coffee and ice cubes. we speak about nothing and everything. 

(my hands are shaking, but i reach out and take yours in mine. i’ve been wondering how it would feel)

a gentle tug to walk in between the lights. slowly. exploring. you’re behind me, but i’m too scared to look back at you lest i look for too long. 

(i still want to hold your hand. we stop in the middle of the path. i turn around to look at you, illuminated by the lights. 

a breathy syllable leaves my mouth. 

hi. 

this time, i do look at you for too long. i allow myself this little piece of heaven) 

thank you, my love. you say. 

no mumbling. no hiding it between other words. you say it looking right at me, no hesitation. 

(i stop mid step. i run the words right back at you) 

a drive fuelled by our playlist. our elbows inches away from each other.

(once again, i reach out to you. fingers intertwined, exploring parts of the other we've not had a chance to do so before)

sat in an idling car. holding on to time we know is quickly slipping through our fingers.

(my hands reach across the console, place my palm on the side of your face. "you mean so much to me. thank you for letting me bask in the warmth of your sunlight, even just for a little while.

i'm always going to love you")