bleezybree

[bleezybree]

[bleezybree]

[bleezybree]

When my ex and I first started dating, I took him on a trip to Colorado. 2 months into dating we go on this trip.

We fought the entire trip. it was miserable.

I go on a small trip with the new man I’m talking too? Total and absolute bliss and happiness not one negative or toxic vibration. We even had difficult conversations and were able to communicate.

We have been talking for 8 months. ATP.

My point being, you can be in a relationship with someone and you know from the beginning, it’s not going to work.

You can also be in a relationship with someone and you know from the beginning, it IS going to work.

[bleezybree]

The older I get the more I realize my intuition is right you bitches are weird as fuck

[bleezybree]

God damnit I saw him and now I fucking know I fucking know how deep my feelings are for him. For the love of god don’t let this fucking man play with me. I won’t be able to handle it.

[bleezybree]

You know what if I get to truly have what I fucking want when I tried to make a decision to help someone else out but in the end I get to have what?

Then fine twist my mf leg give it here :)

Part of me feels so evil for accepting this but also if the universe is finally going to bless me with a man that sees me as the soft delicate flower that I am and treats me with love and respect and loyalty and honesty but will come at a cost, patience, and so much more?

Idon’t care I will work for the blessing if all of that can be mine.

[bleezybree]

Thought of the day:

You know I tried to do what I thought was the “right thing to do”

Given the circumstances I would say it still probably is the right thing to do..

BUT, if I chose the “right thing to do” and the “wrong thing to do” never went away.

Then maybe the “wrong thing to do” IS ACTUALLY the “right thing to do”

[bleezybree]

You know what makes me the most mad?

I never open up. I never tell people about my past, my family, my thoughts even.

I opened up about something regarding my family that I don’t talk about. I don’t share with anyone.

I opened up and look what happened.

[bleezybree]

Somewhere, there’s a version of us that survived.

[bleezybree]

Sorry I acted romantic and delusional again, you can kill me if you want

[bleezybree]

Amen

stay well-kept. stay endlessly evolving. tend to your creative gifts. smell divine. be selective. cook something new. write something true. keep fresh flowers. make decisions that age well. spread light to those in need. pray often & sincerely.

[bleezybree]

You know I’ve been trying to place when I have felt this exact feeling before.

It’s familiar…

Then I remember today, this morning it clicks, something I blocked out from my past…there I was…sucked right back into time.

Ironically it’s my 9 year sobriety date today and the time I last felt like this?

I was with a man that beat me and only cared about his next high. I was just there. In the beginning it was perfect but went up in flames the moment that drug was introduced into my life.

He left me alone, in the middle of the night. In an apartment that didn’t even lock.. in the part of town known for “crime” that we were..well not living but surviving in.

He left me there, just walked out and told me he was leaving me there so he could “find some more shit”

I remember sitting in that apartment alone.

In the middle of the night, watching him just leave and walk out so easily.

Roaches.

Holes in the walls.

Sadness.

Emptiness.

And that’s when I realized… I know this feeling. It’s familiar and I know it all too well…

The feeling I felt 9 years ago before I decided to turn my life around has crept right back into my life.

A totally different time and a very different scenario. But the very same feeling…

9 years ago today a man left me and chose drugs over me.

Today?

A man who was married chose his family over me.

Rightfully so, I’m not special. I know I shouldn’t be surprised I knew this all along.

This man said I was ghetto and what? A man that has it all was going to choose a “ghetto” woman that was inevitably going to be “tossed in the trash again?”

VERY different scenarios but the very same feeling.

I’ve protected myself for so long unknowingly and today I know why.

I love myself for protecting me all these years.

I hate myself for letting ANOTHER man make me feel the way I’m feeling.

9 years later.

But what did Diane in Bojack Horseman say?

“Sometimes life’s a bitch but you keep on living”

Some times life is a bitch. But you keep on living.

-B

[bleezybree]

I’m starting to believe that the reason why the universe has made my love life so hard although everyone around me praises me for my beauty, brains, witty and wiseness. My humor, my energy.. I think I am convinced that I am not going to live a long life and that’s why the universe tests me with these most intense and bizarre plots in my romance section of my life that I truly don’t think I’m suppose to have a lifetime of happiness.

I think I’m here to learn self lifetime of happiness.

[bleezybree]

You remember what I said before?

“If a man wants to he will”

If he wanted to he would have.

[bleezybree]

I am so angry and sad and mad. How did I let myself become so vulnerable.

[bleezybree]

I am so angry inside and yet I have to present a smile to the world.

My soul is a forest and someone flicked a cigarette out their window.

now it’s up in flames.

[bleezybree]

Bojackkkkkkk where are you