blessedjef - Tumblr blog

[blessedjef]

To see “Them” again.

I’ve written quite a few times before this but none were really worthy of posting. But yeah, tonight, black friday, on thanksgiving day/night, I saw them again. Fe hit me up to go black friday shopping with everyone and I accepted, because I really wanted to see what it’d be like to be with all of them again, and I was curious.  I am in pain every single day because of what happened with them over the summer. I am reminded of it every single day and it has changed me so much. But I guess what I really wanted to see was what they thought and think of now since it’s been a few months. 

They’ve moved on

I can’t help but think to myself, “fuck it all, I’m the only one still plagued by all of this.” Not being with them for so long, and also having no clouded lenses over my eyes I can see clearly what I had been missing for so long, and also what I refused to believe. They are all closer to each other than they ever were with me. Even Nicole and Keizo fit in better with them then I do. But honestly, it was there the whole time, I just refused to believe it. I’m different from them, I hold different thoughts and when I’m with them I can’t express myself at all. They all share such good times with each other and DAMN I want to be a part of it SO BAD. My heart hurts so much for the close-nit community that I used to call my family. But honestly, I’m just an extra, an outsider. I’m someone who doesn’t belong. 

When will I find it?

All I want in my life is to find the community that I belong in. to be real, I want what they have. Just a tight group of friends who hold so many good memories together and can laugh and joke and share good times. My whole life I am constantly searching for people who will truly accept me for who I am. People who want to pursue me, who enjoy my company just for who I am.  Where is it? Where can I find those people who understand me and will love me? 

I went back today to see if they felt ANYTHING. But honestly no, they don’t. They have no idea of the pain I feel, and nor do they care. I guess it’s something that I just have to accept and move on with in life. Something that I’ll always be burdened with and have to deal with for the rest of my life. My heart keeps on tearing at itself. I want to cry out to them and show them my pain, but I can’t. There’d be no point. But I know I have to move on from this but I have no idea on how to. 

Life is straight killing me right now. Ever since June things have just been hell and once it starts to get somewhat better I get kicked back down again even harder. Friends, Family, they’re all gone. What do I need to do to thrive? I just want a happy community to be a part of. I want best friends. I want to love. I want to laugh and smile with them too. I know it’s a silly wish, but a guy can dream, can’t he? 

~

11/24/17 3:49 AM

[blessedjef]

BAM GOD SLAMS THE HAMMER DOWN AGAIN SKADOOSH(Week 7 of coolege)

I took my first set of midterms week 5 and I sucked at them tbh. 77 in BA101(business) 80 in stats and in chinese I’ve been getting b’s on all my tests and assignments. not good. I’ve started to kinda build a weekly and daily routing though which is nice. Wake up, go to classes, eat, hang out, study, gym, play video games, sleep. Basically how my days go. 

for the weekend on halloween I went home cause I got to be part of the Oregon Bioscience research showcase. that was super fun! Scary, but fun. learned loads about the networking world and how people are super sly about it, as well as how science is gonna be hella dope in the future. Lots of people have really cool ideas and they’re going places people. really. I also got to see my grandma which was the best decision I’ve ever made in my whole life actually. 

That’s because she died. Nov 3rd, 2017, my grandma died. I don’t even know what to do right now. I can’t cry, I can’t show any emotion tbh. Whenever I deal with something horrid I just try and forget about it and make myself super busy with other things. The first two days it was super tough to pull through, but now, I don’t feel anything. And that’s worse. I feel dead, heartless. Like it’s all gone. I think about her and just so much about my family and the upcoming future which is going to suck for numerous reasons that I can’t say but basically I’m scared our whole family is gonna fall apart now. I’ve become dead tired, kinda rude tbh, cause now I don’t even care what I say, I just say what’s the blunt truth. People hate when I speak the blunt truth cause it’s normally super mean and negative, but true. 

Classes are hard, Family life is hard, mentally I’m drained. I wanna do so many bad things like the devil is temping me so so so bad and I wanna just fall for it but I can’t. There’s still something in me that’s keeping me going. Something keeping me in check. Maybe it’s God, maybe it’s an unconscious promise or motivator, but I know that God is helping me through this time right now cause I wouldn’t be able to survive otherwise. I don’t know what to do or where any of this will lead but I hope it fixes itself fast. Freshman year of college is sure going off with a bang. 

~

4:48 PM 11/6/17 Monday

[blessedjef]

College Stress begins

I think I’ve almost written like a dozen times now but haven’t because I’ve been too tired to, or i’ve been doing something, or there’s always people in my room late at night. 

But yeah, about three weeks of college has officially passed, and I’m now really starting to get into the college mode of being a real student. I’ve been on time to every single one of my classes, thought most of the time it’s been through the skin of my teeth lol. 

What else have I done?

People:

I’ve met some really cool guys here at UO and it’s been really fun cause you can just hang out whenever you want. Everyone is so close to you and you don’t need to play anything, ya just go do it! I went to a KSA(korean student association) the first Thursday of the term and met a guy named Min Jung. He’s now become my closest friend here and I really like him a lot. It’s really funny cause he used to hang out with Jung back in the day for middle school. We’ve jammed out(he’s way better than me and has been helping me out), played video games, gone to events, and just spent a lot of time together. It’s brilliant.  I also made friends with a roommate pair in Earl named Nate Austin and Harper DormanGreene. Nate is a really chill guy who’s the most basic white boy you can get, but he’s super nice and we just clicked really well together.  Harper is a basic college jock but isn’t cause he doesn’t do the normal sports, but he is an outdoor guru with the fishing, bouldering/rockclimbing/backpacking/surfing lifestyle. He’s got that olive skin green eyes so he’s dang good looking so he gets all the girls weekly, and has the basic problems of a relationship every week too lol. I find it funny and keep calling him hot just cause.  I met some soccer dudes named Edward  and Sutter. I hang with Edward daily cause we got Chinese together. He’s trying to quit smoking and wants to get out of Oregon and go to UBC or Pepperdine but he’s a good friend to hang with and do stuff with.  I also try to hang out with international Chinese students and they’ve helped me a little bit with my Chinese stuff! I had a good girl/relationship talk with one of them (Leo) and it was really fun actually. I’ gonna try to connect with them more as the year goes on. 

This week was the first week I felt a little(lot) homesick

It hit me one day when things were getting rough. I guess I just wanted to be in the comfort of home. I wanted to see my sisters really bad too. I miss Grace’s positivity and how she’s always bursting with energy and love. I miss Lauren and her presence and how funky/weird she is. I miss the good cooking too. Being at UO is great, but I guess the perks of home are strong as well. It’s something that’s motivating me to become stronger and to do more in school as well. I’m not gonna give up and I’m going to strive to work harder and learn more because of them. I can’t sit around and be stagnant. I’m here to make our world better. I’m gonna make that change. 

There’s still a lot of things I had/feel bad about, here’s a small list:

Raged at my teacher today in Chinese class cause I got a 3.4 on my writing hw and found out i didn’t have to put so much effort into it. quality over quantity I’ve found out. 

“They” are still killing my mind. I’m reminded every single day and whenever I see them it feels like I’m being shot. 

Almost worst fear came out cause Jung talked to Min about our history a little...

Being unproductive makes me sad/depressed. being productive/sore makes me feel exhilarated/feeling accomplished. 

I’m tired so I’ll write more later. pce out

~

4:05 PM 10/12/17 Thursday

[blessedjef]

College Classes Day 1

Pro college tip: Make time for yourself to eat. I haven’t been doing too well at making time to fill myself :P

I had my first two classes today, weight training and Chinese 101!   They were both very relaxed, but my Chinese teacher seems kinda weird(odd). Flowery dress that went to the knees and wore brown hiking boots with yellow high socks with purple mascara and had lipstick on her teeth. Very interesting. But it’s okay, it seems to be okay classes so far. Tomorrow is the real deal day where I got all three of my hardest classes. I really, REALLY wanted to take Korean 101 too but everyone is advising me against it, so I guess I’ll listen to them. 

I took like 2 hours of my time to get myself a longboard with Jason Chan. Literally he’s the plug for knowing everything about skateboards. We went to this shop like 20-30 mins away from campus(walking), but it was worth it. I got 10 minutes to get from one class to the next tomorrow and I really have to book it. But yeah, my boards beautiful. Black wheels and a solid back with a mountain on it. I find it pleasing and very simple. I like it. 

I realized I hadn’t eaten anything since one, and it was like 6:30 at the time I got back so I ate with Edward and he convinced me to try out for the club soccer team.  I wasn’t too sure because ever since high school I wasn’t really having any fun and I really just wanted to play soccer for kicks, but I tried anyways cause, well, why not? It felt great to get back out on the pitch and to play with really competitive guys. I didn’t do too hot cause I was overthinking and playing myself down, but I started to do better towards the end because I psyched myself up to become better. My conditioning is terrible and my touch sucks, but it was still fun. Even still, I hated it, cause I hated myself. 

I still can’t play competitive soccer cause I always put myself down too hard and it just isn’t fun for me right now. I went back to the dorms depressed with my performance. It’s the first time I’ve actually been sad since coming to college. But it’s always been like that and I realized that I can’t do competitive soccer because I’m too emotional when I play. I care about the game so much and when I don’t do well I put myself in the gutter too hard. I really want to be happy at college, and soccer is just too emotional for me. 

Because it was the first time feeling sad/depressed at college I realized that I have no one to really talk to about how I feel and whatnot. Everyone I used to talk to about stuff is gone. I have really no “close” Friends, and I don’t really want to talk about my emotions with any of them because once I open up they’ll start to see another side of me which they won’t like. It’s always happened that way with the others and I refuse to let that happen again. One kid who I’m friends with at tryouts who was on my team kept saying to stop putting myself down because I was doing great. So yeah my tendencies are coming out and I really gotta stop those. I just hope to find a strong group or community where I can be safe and have a good time. I already got those guys but I really want the other side of it too. It’s okay, it’s just the first few days of class, we’ll see how it goes in the future!

guys are in the room gotta go make ramen and have a night meal let’s gooo. 

~

9/25/17     Monday  11:50 PM 

[blessedjef]

I’m now in College?!?!?!?!!?

I can’t even believe it... I’m in college now!!!

I’ve been at college for only two days now, and it’s like already feeling really different; classes haven’t even started yet! I moved in on the 20th, a day early, and got to have my family help me out. I’m on the second floor and the first thing I saw as I walked into the room was the beautiful view that I have! With the blinds open I have a view of the whole soccer field and the rec center. The sun passes across my direction as well and we get really good lighting with a great sunrise and a beautiful sunset. Moving into the room first I got to choose which side I wanted and basically everything else that you’d have to decide when moving into the room. It’s pretty nice so far and its got some brilliant vibes. Kevin(my roommate) and I call our room “The Dojo” It’s really funny. 

Actually, my roommate Kevin is really chill, I got super lucky on the roommate draw.  So far we get along just fine. He’s super chill and I guess I must fit the bill for him as well. We really don’t have anything that bug each other yet but I think we’ll find those with more time. But so far all of the main things like noise, people, and privacy are ay-okay. He never wears headphones and blasts his music 24/7, but he’s got good tunes so I personally like it. If I need to study I just put in my noise canceling headphones and walla! We’re a perfect tandem duo. He likes fish, and so do I, so I can’t wait for later to see what goes down too. We set up even a chore system and we traded where he keeps the room clean and all I gotta do is his laundry for him cause he’s never done it in his life. Easy trade for me and it works well for the both of us. He even got a printer and some nice comfy chairs for us to sit in and have guests over with. Man our dorm is rollin so well I love it. 

The main huge difference is just that I HAVE SO MUCH TIME AND I HAVE TO PLAN ALL OF IT. I know that weird to say, but I don’t have to ask anyone if I can do anything. It’s all on myself. Like I plan everything about my day. When I’m going to eat, when I go places, when I eat, who I choose to be with, what I do and who I do it with, it’s like radical. Before I’d always have to coordinate with my parents to make sure my plans didn’t overlap with something that we were going to do, or I’d have to tell them where i’m going, who i’m with, when i’ll be back etc. But now it’s just me on my own, my myself, on my own time.                       

The hardest challenge I’ve had so far was definitely tonight, and that was the decision of whether or not I should go to a party.  I got invited to a frat party and seriously thought about going to it, but luckily I forced myself to talk to some epic people and just being around them really helps me out. After a very hearty, “I wouldn’t go” I reminded myself why I’m here and what my goals are and who they’re for. There’s so many distractions and I can see how easy it is to fall to those temptations now. Like SO MANY people I’ve met so far went and I did feel like I was missing out, somewhat, but I have goals. I have a vision. and most importantly of all I have to remember not to lose sight of them. I’m so glad God placed a strong community into my life early before college started because they’re my rock right now. The people that I can rely on and who I can go to for support. They’ve already saved me so much and tonight was another example. Thank the Lord for Kiersten, Aaron, and Eden. 

I’m having a great time so far and there’s been so many things to do, to see and people to meet, I’m just so psyched to really get into it. I played soccer on the field at 10 tonight and the lights were still on! It was great to be out in the fresh air and get some kicks in. Going to the club tabling, getting goldfish for my dorm, and getting 6 free t-shirts in one day is just the beginning:)

~

9/23/17 2:54 AM (writing as if on friday)

[blessedjef]

League Tourney Fun!

It seems like I always write about the bad/sad/things in my life that I don’t ever tell anyone about but I never talk about the fun stuff! Well today it’s gonna be both. 

David Choo invited me to play in a league tourney at Microsoft in downtown and it was LIT. Legit setup of comps with the huge tv in the back and a tourney bracket. I had a lot of fun. We got third/fourth, but still, it was really fun. Being in an atmosphere where people around you love playing the game and hearing a crowd cheer for really cool plays that you make is awesome. I hit some hard core thresh hooks and got a lot of praise from diamonds+ after the game ended. Overall I loved doing it. I would love to go pro like that for a year and play for a large crowd but nah, probably not in my future. 

While we were waiting in between games David and I ran into James Lee and Carol Li! It was really cool to talk with them cause I got more advice going into college and also got some good feedback on just keeping true to yourself. I’ve been pretty scared of changing into someone who I don’t want to become and I guess it’s just all about being responsible, vigilant, and constantly making sure that I am aware. I’m gonna meet up with James later in the year and I honestly can’t wait! I miss that guy. He’s always been strong with the Lord and has given me great advice. 

Okay, now back to our regular tv program. 

While playing Catan last night with Brain James David and Nate Anmei drunk facetimed Brian. He showed her around the room to who was there and when it panned to me she was like, “oh ew it’s Brandon”. It hurt me on the inside and honestly at that moment I really didn’t want to be there. I can’t stand being around them anymore. I don’t want to see hear or know anything cause whenever they come up it always becomes negative around me.  I guess I’ve been thinking about change a lot cause now Nate vapes and has like 5 vape pens or so and I’m like what the heck. The Nathan I knew a year or two ago wouldn’t have ever even thought about vaping. He says it’s all chill cause it’s not chemical based and such, but even so just the thought of any form I think isn’t like him. Or at least, the old him. I hope I don’t become like that. By that, I mean I hope I don’t change so much I lose focus of my foundation and become someone who I detested in the past. I can’t ever vape/smoke/do drugs/ drink excessively/have sex. If I did, I’d become someone my past self would have detested so much. I mean yeah it’s okay to change, I have grown way more independent where I don’t care as much about other people/friends cause lots of things in life is changing right now, but who knows. I leave for college in a week and a half. I’ve seen college change so many people already in their first month or so. Who am I going to become? What am I going to do? We’ll see. 

~

9/10/17 12:39 AM

[blessedjef]

Where’s the water?

Eagle Crest is having a huge forest fire this week because some stupid teenagers set off fireworks in the woods near punchbowl falls. Ugh. It was gorgeous(catch the joke lol) before, but I’m also really interested in what’s going to happen after the fire. Yeah it sucks now, but there will be so much new growth and it will be really cool to see nature rebuild itself from a firestorm. 

On a completely separate note, we had no water at home today. It’s things like this which make me fking pissed off. Luckily the girls didn’t know about it because they were in school and it came back on by the time they came home, but not having water really sucks. I feel like going to UO is just me running from it all, and at the same time I’ll be running away to make myself stronger. Ya know when the “main character” has a before life and goes away into the mountains and has a complete transformation? Yeah, I hope I do that for college and come back way stronger. 

~ 9/7/17 1:38 AM

[blessedjef]

Meetings Meetings and More Meetings

I’ve wanted to write like multiple times this past week cause so much has happened but I don’t have the time right now. I’m in the Multnomah Library, first time I’ve spent any time around here actually. They got some good books about Real Estate that I’m going to be reading more about so I have a feeling I’ll be down here more often than not. 

I’m starting to delve into the business world! Since I’ve been back from Investing week at OSU, I’ve talked to four different professionals, and I’m going to be meeting even more soon. I’ve talked to:

DHM Research

Portland Gear

Keen Footwear

OHSU

And on Friday I’ll be meeting up with Garrett Hanson from US Bank! I can’t wait to see him, I got loads to share. 

The eclipse was also this week, I but don’t have enough time to share about that this time and I need to make a separate thing for each event but that’ll happen later I guess. 

Meeting with these professionals has been really scary, but invigorating at the same time. I’m starting to learn way more than I ever have, and it’s been giving more drive and pushing me to move forward at such a pace that I didn’t believe I could do yet. Meeting with Su was really great, and talking with David Eastman again really got me feeling like people believe in me and want to help me out as well. I got way more stuff but that’s the basics for now which I enjoy. It’s kept me super busy too which is good for me. Tomorrow/tonight I get some time to reflect. I gotta learn how to do that in a better manner but who knows. 

I actually read part of a book for the first time in forever! I picked up a real estate book and sat down and read it for a while. It had good info and I forgot what it was like to really read because I haven’t done it in forever. I’ll be doing it more as the days continue but it felt good to get back into it the little bit that I did. 

The atmosphere of Portland is definitely special. I’ve been walking around here for the past few days now, and I’ve been able to see the really cool parts, and also the really sad parts. Going into local stores is really good for me too cause it’s giving me a sense of how I might want to structure downtown in the future as well as how Portland is as a whole. It’s totally different from Beaverton, and I see now how the cousins think that Beaverton is rich and how it’s like a totally different place. It really feels like it. Like Portland’s atmosphere and hipster/chillin vibe is totally different from the prep/look nice of Beaverton. There’s lot more diversity of the rich vs poor in Portland and the discrepancy is much more intertwined but very segregated. Beaverton is too privileged. I’m too privileged. I gotta start taking things lest for granted but really appreciate my life, what I have, and the resources that I’m able to use. 

Okay gotta go, off to meet Scott Owen from Keen! I’m having lots of fun and I think it’s really cool, everything going on right now. 

~

1:12 PM Wednesday 

[blessedjef]

Reminiscing

Honestly I wasn’t going to write today, but I decided to do the one thing that I said I wasn’t going to do, and that was to look through my sinsta(second Instagram account where people post more personal stuff). Felipe actually posted more on his and itw as cool to see, and also very sad. I dunno, it really does suck not being in their life anymore like I used to be. I think it’s just cause I miss him the most. I really like Fe, but he’s kinda taken me out and sticks with the others. He chose them over me, and oh well, I can’t stop that. I guess I chose him over the others and that’s my own decision to. I’ve always and still am wondering if the decisions I made are right, and if I’m still right in this whole thing. I mean I know that I am, but it really just sucks because I feel like I lost them all, and they were really special in my heart for me. Seeing Jung’s pictures in his training really hit a feel too because he’s out learning so much and changing I think it’s really cool how he’s moving on to a new part of his life. We all are. Tonight I hung out with Brian Kim, Rio Le, and James Yoo which was really fun. In the talk while at little big burger somehow Nathan came up and I was really hesitant to talk about that in front of Brian cause he’s kinda close to Nathan now too. But really, I don’t want to talk with him like I used to. After the things that he said to me and how he’s treated me I just can’t take it anymore. It hurts too much. The thing that did was when he said to me, “I was waiting for you to have the balls to come and talk to me”. Man, when he said that, something inside snapped. I’ve gone through so much with him, and we’ve done so many cool things together; but for him to just disrespect me like that and basically tell me that he thought he was better than me and he wanted me to grow up was too far across that line. I can’t deal with disrespect like that. I don’t know if he’s ever respected me or thought about me either. Honestly none of them have even technically said sorry about everything that happened in the past either and it was me who had to say sorry to them later. I mean that was valid cause I made poor decisions after but I still haven’t received one myself. I guess that’s what’s really what I’m still sad about. But yeah, getting kicked out of the group sucks. So many friendships of mine have been ruined from this too. Claura, Katelyn, Fe, Rachel and I have a feeling about others whom they might’ve talked to as well but who knows. This whole thing just sucks. After three months I’ve basically gotten past it but once in a while like tonight I really feel the effects of not talking with them or being able to interact with them. I wanted so badly to tag Nathan in a Portland gear post because we always do when we see one of those things, but then I saw that him and Fe tagged each other and I thought that it wouldn’t be worth the effort. They’ve already taken me out and moved on. I need to do the same. I can’t even confront Dan now because I guess Rachel was in on it too.

Putting that whole thing aside, Brian and I talked a lot about just everyone changing. I mean it was more me than him, but I can really feel it. Jung’s gone, Felipe’s gone, Rachel and Anmei are gone, and we’ll be gone in a month too. I know that I’ve changed too just from YEBW and all of the things that I’ve been doing there too. I’ve started to move into the professional business world. I’m starting to think more like a businessman and am starting to become more confident and motivated. It’s pretty cool. When I’m focused on those things I feel good. I feel way better and I don’t think about all of the negative things that have been happening lately, like how I’m thinking about it right now. It keeps me busy. I guess in a way it’s a cover up but it’s also something that I’m becoming really passionate about. I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m enjoying it and I love that. I don’t remember the last time I was really enjoying learning and actually having fun doing work and being willing to stay up late or be in the workroom later just because I wanted to make it better. I’ve talked in front of investors asking for millions of dollars, I know how to evaluate stocks on whether or not to buy, sell, or hold them if you have already bought them. I know how to read a balance sheet, cash flow statement, and an income statement. I know how to research and start my own company. I know how to pitch an idea and what to look for in an idea as well. I’ve learned how to become successful and how to network. If I can learn that in three weeks, who knows how much I can learn in six months, in a year! Right now I’ve decided to take a break and just chill, but I’ll soon be on the grind and have a strict schedule of learning that I’ll be wanting to do. I honestly can’t wait. Talking with Uncle John was one of the highlights of my week. While writing his thank you letter I started crying because I was pouring my heart out in that letter. I told him that I didn’t want to let him down, that I wanted to show him that I was good investment, that I was going to succeed because it’s not just about me but also because he gave me an opportunity. I can’t waste that! Garret Hanson from US Bank sponsored me, ME, to be able to go to the next two camps of YEBW. I can’t believe it! I can’t think about being selfish anymore when people have their faith in me and my future. I want to live up to their expectations and have them be proud of me because they knew that when they saw me I was going to be a good investment. I want to make sure I live up to that and don’t disappoint them. I’m going to start the grind back up on Tuesday probably. I get one more day to rest and to plan out how I want the rest of the year and my summer to go.  Things have been crazy so far this summer, and it’s only going to get crazier from here.

 ~

3:08 AM   8/14/17 Monday but really Sunday

[blessedjef]

YEBW’s Investing Week Part 1

“God please watch over me and protect me from danger. Thank you for the protection that you have given me so far and please watch over the rest of the week as we continue”

My roommates just got pulled out because they were accused of drinking, but they didn’t. I was super scared too but because the interns that don’t know me thought I did too, but luckily the people who know me know that I wouldn’t do that. There’s too much at stake to lose. I’m not risking anything. 

I got to talk with Uncle John this week! He wanted to make sure I didn’t get caught up in the money aspect of things. It’s kinda funny, but sad because I told him the real reason on why I was feeling that, which was fear, and I almost started to cry. It’s hard talking about our financials. It’s hard to face the fear and the stress that’s on my mind because of it. But Uncle John said to let all of those worries go and that it’s going to be okay. and he’s right. I really do need to rely more on God and just focus on what my real motives are, which is to be molded into what God wants me to be. I ave no idea what it is yet, but I know that I’m going to change the world. I want to make communities and society stronger and more positive. I don’t know where, or when, but i’m going to do it,  It also talked to me and said, “Brandon, I want for you to get a girlfriend.” He said a lot of other stuff with that but I think what he was really getting at was that he wants me to be happy and to experience life. I’ve never thought about what it’d be like to get a girlfriend because I haven’t really felt like I was ready or that I needed one. And I don’t!  But now I feel ready. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now actually. I tried talking to Darcy again and got politely declined. It made me kinda think because that was the first time I’ve actually tried, but it was just four months late lol. i don’t know, but after all this stuff that’s happened to me I feel stronger. I feel more confident. I feel like I’ve grown a lot and that I’m ready for a relationship. It’s funny because the reason that I never went into a relationship or tried to go into one was because I didn't feel ready. But now, for some magical reason I do. So now I think i’ll start to look, and probe, but really keep myself grounded on what I need to do but see what’s out there. 

I really do feel like I’m growing in life, and this week has definitely been the hardest out of the three. I have no knowledge about anything in the investment world and it’s super hard for me to grasp all of these concepts and the numbers are making it even harder. I respect numbers so much and I love to look at them, but I don’t know how to calculate them or the concepts behind finding the final answer. I like analyzing the data after it’s been found and calculated. I guess this is going to be one of the things that I despise because I can’t do it well, but really respect because I see that it has huge value and I love it in the bottom of my heart. It just puts me to sleep, makes me not want to work because I don’t get it, and feel very uncommitted. It’s been going well so far. This week now is more about trying to make as many connections as possible over trying to learn the stuff. But that’s super important too. 

I’ll probably start journaling more though, It’s supposed to be really good for cognitive critical thinking and recall on memory. I’ve met some really cool people this week though. it’s been awesome!

More to come

~ 1:31 AM 8/10/17 Thursday but written as Wednesday(Halfway through the week!)

[blessedjef]

YEBW Entrepreneurship week pt. 1

What a ride. I’m feeling tired, stressed, somewhat depressed, very scared,  but at the same time it’s probably been one of the best times of my life. This whole experience in general has been really from YEBW. 

I’m tired because i’m working really hard and i’ve been going to bed at like 1-2 every day for the past 2-3 weeks and waking up at 7. 

I’m stressed because creating your own product and doing all of the work, really like a real entrepreneur, is super hard! like 90% of the time i don’t know what to do and I feel like i’m super far behind everyone else. 

I’m depressed because I keep thinking about my family, my friends, and how I feel very out of place in a place i feel very safe and part of the community. 

I’m scared because this is a chance God has given me and I don’t want to blow it. 

But most of all, this has been the greatest experience ever. I’m learning more than i have in like, forever. I want to work, I enjoy what i’m doing. Even though it’s stressful and scary, it’s a good stress and good scary thing. 

Uncle John sat with me at lunch today and I was stoked. I haven’t gotten to talk to him much these past two weeks because he is the executive director and all, but I just appreciated that he took the time to just talk with me a little bit. I love everything that he has done for me and I think I’m being kinda selfish for wanting to talk to him and such, but I just want to know more, and be closer with him. 

Opal hung out with Rebekah today. I was and still am scared about the outcome of what can happen. Does she still think of me okay? Am I like seriously stupid and have all of the facts wrong and I’m just being very stubborn? Will she still be willing to be my friends? am I going to lose another friend? What do I do. 

John Neal Jr. Spoke this week and his testimony was super strong towards me because he talked about becoming homeless, eating food from a trashcan because he was so hungry, but he chose to go to school and get a higher education.  I literally had to hold back tears while he was talking because I was thinking about my own life. It started for him when he was 17, and i’m just 18. I feel like i’m going down that road and for me it’s super scary right now. Like i’m really scared. I don’t want to be there. I’m not going to become nothing. I am going to succeed and become stronger than I am today. I will make it. 

I talked to Uncle Scott today and he basically shot down my allergy tester idea. He told me about his experience in the chemical field and how people have already made it and stuff. But that’s okay. I’ll still continue with it. Just sucks to know that someone else has already thought of it before me and it’s actually out on the market. But it’s good though. Uncle Scott’s like the only one who gives me good constructive feedback from a really smart high level of perspective thinking. I can do it :)

I’m starting to get to know Zach Dean more, and it’s really cool. Hes a nice guy and he sounds a lot like Nathan and how he thinks and acts and like his thought processing. But the difference is that he’s way smarter, has drive, passion, and he also is more understanding and knowledgeable than him. It’s really nice to get to know him and it sucks that he’s in a position which is higher, not that’s a bad thing, but ti’s hard to have a friend to friend relationship when he’s placed at such a high leadership role and has to be strict but be cool at the same time.  I’ve been finding that a lot lately at this camp. Lots of the interns are like my year or only one more year older than me, but there’s such a huge discrepancy between me and them. They’re way more knowledgeable than I am, and they kinda act like i’m below them, which I am! In the sense of knowledge and experience and the positions at this camp at least. I hate it. I love being around them because they’re way more mature than the other people and they have lots of cool things that they’ve all done in their lives. I wish we could be friends on the same level, but right now they don’t see it like that. It sucks, but oh well. 

I’ve been thinking more about the gang Nate Rebs Issabell and Anmei. Every time I think about them now I get a really hurt gut wrenching feeling in my stomach. I can’t get it out and it’s really hard to talk or even think about them. I think it’s just that I’ve been hurt by them so much and they don’t see it. I’ve tried so hard to keep it good, apologize, and see it from their point of view; but it still hurts so much for me. Whenever they see me I feel like they treat me like a little kid, the gossip about me and our problems with each other to other friends, and they have never understood my side and where i’m coming from. I’m honestly so scared to talk to anyone who’s talked with them or been with them recently because I’M SO FUCKING SCARED That they’re going to punish me too. I feel like they’ve just become so toxic to me and it’s the worst thing to think and say ever but that’s really what it’s become. I’ve thought about it for a long time, and especially this week, and I’ve made the decision to drop them. They’re not healthy for me. I’m not gaining anything from our relationship. I’m only getting more hurt and they’re pulling me back. They don’t understand me, they don’t support me, and they don’t get just who I am as a person. People like Zach Dean and like Sami and Cassie from YEBW see the flaws in me but they’re okay with them because they understand who I am. I’m also learning more about myself through this whole thing, and it’s crazy, too honestly. I don’t want to drop them, but it hurts a lot right now and I need to more on with my life. I have college coming up, I have to do well because of all these other stupid things that are affecting my life right now and these friends are making it harder and are just being in the way. I have way more impoartant things to think about like financial issues, what i want to do with the rest of my life, and just my mental health as well.  I’m fine with Fe because when we went to top golf and hung out today he treated me like normal. He’s gotten over it, I think, and if not he’s at least had the decency to treat me like a normal person, and I appreciate that from him. I want to keep him in my life and I really value him as a friend. but yeah. That’s kinda what’s been up lately.  

Life right now is a struggle. It hurts SO MUCH. I’m gonna keep pushing through though because I have to. I’m going to make it out of poverty and the struggles that i’m having in my life. I’m going to succeed. 

~ 7/27/2017  Wednesday but written on thursday at 1:19AM

[blessedjef]

Foreclosure.

I wasn’t sure when I was going to start writing again. I didn’t even know that I wrote one about Japan. I’m glad I posted that one though because that’s with all of the real good things that came out of that trip. Everything after that just went downhill, and it still is honestly. But That’s for another story. 

My life is in some really crazy spots and situations right now. It’s the biggest rollercoaster of my life. I basically stopped writing like around the time that it started up too. 

God is giving me opportunities and a strong community.

Someone sponsored me to go to the next two camps for YEBW(Young Entrepreneur Business Week) I also got two shout outs from real company people about my presentation with my company. That’s huge. 

I got to go to Japan! I didn’t die. I lived and learned. Thank you Lord. 

I met this guy at Nike and said he could hook me up probably with a Job at UO!

KK - he’s got some really cool ideas and is part of a stanford club, but goes to UO. He’s so driven and smart. 

V - Hes really driven too and goes to UO. He’s gonna network and do what it takes to get to his goal which is cool. 

Zach - he works at portland gear, goes to PSU and is really open to talk and give advice. 

Andrew Weiss - Really extroverted guy works for YEBW and also is super smart. Brilliant ideas, but his jokes are totally dad jokes. I like them. He’s making people laugh and connect with each other. 

Garret Hanson - my advisor for business week at YEBW. He really cared about us and it was just amazing to be with him. 

Isaac King - Works for PGE, gave me great advice on interviews, and just job advice in general. 

Sprummer really changed me and it was great. I didn’t just feel an emotional high, but I felt like I was filled  with the Holy spirit. I was content. I was happy. I was ready. Also David Choe said he’d be willing to help me out through college, and also Kiersten and Aaron are amazing like I can’t wait to be with them in college. And Thomas. I can’t forget Thomas. 

But even with all of this, God hit my life with a bus. Or a truck, or a hurricane. Take your pick.

God is testing my strength right now. It hard and it hurts. 

I lost Nathan Rebekah Anmei Felipe Jung and Issabell. It sucks. There’s so much more behind this but basically I lost like my main friends. but I guess God has other plans for me in the future. It’s kinda weird but i’m glad that it happened? It made me stronger. It helped me find my path. I’m focused on a single direction on where I need to go now. and that’s to move on and graduate college. I have to. 

I have to graduate because my family is on the edge of foreclosure on our house. I could be homeless soon! The family isn’t doing too well right now. We were in desperate times in the crash of ‘08, but I guess this time it’s worse then that. My parents are stressed every night, kinda fight about the financials, and it’s scary cause we could be gone from this place very, very soon. 

I didn’t  get the Ford Family Foundation scholarship which would have given me a full ride to UO.  I lost it. I got all the way to 200 people and 100 people got it. I didn’t get it. It’s depressing to think about a I hate it. Now my parents are looking for other jobs just trying to help me pay off the debt. 

I am very lost, scared, hurt, and tired. But I’m looking up. Looking up to God

In my life, I’ve always had someone I could rely on, or some THING. If school or friends weren’t going well, I could rely on my family to keep me grounded. If family wasn’t doing too hot, I could rely on the friends to pick me up and feel okay. When the financials or life just wasn’t going well, I could always lean on one, or both for support.  Now, it’s all crashing down at the same time. I’m very fortunate to have a few very, very good friends who I am so grateful for, that I’m talking to. But even still, I feel alone. Not like literally, but metaphorically. They’re not gonna be able to help solve all my problems. Only I can. The only one I’m looking to right now for support if God, because that’s all I can do.  God is giving me opportunities in life right now and I’m going to take them and never let go. I will get myself out of the foreclosure and poverty so I’ll never have to worry about it ever again. I want all my friends to know how much I care about them because they mean so much to me. I hurt people and I feel terrible, but they’re able to put up with how bad I am and i’m so grateful for that. I love my family, and it hurts to see them struggling like this right now and my sisters shouldn’t have to deal with what I did when I was younger. I’m the age when I can make a change. It’s literally now, or never. I have no idea what this year will bring, but I’m scared for it. Even though I’m scared, i’m super excited. I’m ready to work(literally like one or two, maybe three jobs). I’m ready to be hurt. I’m ready to die. Both metaphorically and realistically. I might post more. I might not. Who knows where life will take me. 

p.s.  oh yeah, top gold with Fe, Andy, and Alex was amazing. I got to see Fe today! I was so happy cause I’ve missed him so much. 

~

7/23/17 2:32 AM Written as Saturday. 

[blessedjef]

I’m in Japan

lol 4 months later and I haven’t posted anything. That’s really funny actually. I said I’d change, but did?  Actually, yes I did. A lot, but just in a different way/ways then I thought I was going to. I just didn’t write it down. But that’s for another time. Here’s some stuff I wrote for 6/18/17 and before about Japan. Enjoy. 

These are the thoughts I’ve had while in Japan, not the actually thoughts I have about Japan.

 I love Ryuchi a lot. I really miss him already and it’s only been like a day. The first day that I was hanging out with him I was kinda dreading spending two days with him because I really wanted a full day with Jping, but as the second day came, and we did more stuff together, I realized that I really enjoyed being in his company - even with the language barrier. I liked it a lot actually because since he doesn’t like to speak english, I’m forced to spend more time talking in Japanese. And that was like for the whole day too. It was pretty crazy that I was able to do it and not get tired. I learned a lot as well. I mean, yes, it was more slang, but still I am learning Japanese from THE SOURCE ITSELF and applying it to my life. I think that’s the best way that I learn. I’ve found that I don’t learn well in the classroom because I find no use for it. But here, in Japan, there’s times where I say things and I don’t even know what they mean in English, but I know it’s the right thing to say in Japanese. Like it comes out so naturally and I don’t really even think about what I’m saying half of the time and I’m just doing it. That’s the level I want to be at, but I want to make it like at a level where I have to think about NOTHING. My sentences are still bad, but I can work on it as time goes on.

 Hanging out with Jping was really nice. When we hung out last month, we really wanted to just talk, the two of us, because we’ve had deep talks in the past about God, life, and just stuff that’s going on. Like she became a christian and that’s all I really wanted to hear about. I think she felt the same too because she originally said that her roommate might join us, but I could tell that she didn’t want her to. I didn’t either. But aside from all the non important things, I got to hear her story and walk with God through her life. Before, last year, when I asked her about her story, she couldn’t really piece it together and thought that everything as all gucci and good. This time, there was a strong story to go behind it. It started a long time ago, but she wasn’t able to piece together the puzzle until she became a stronger christian and started to truly walk with Christ, in the kingdom of God. Like I thought it was so cool because just the way she was speaking and her thought processing was different. Before, she was more self-oriented on her life and her goals for a job and what she wanted to do. Now, it’s more community centered and she wants to be giving back to others, and she’s not thinking about herself. I think that it’s great how the Lord’s spirit is able to change people in such a way. I feel like she’s gotten stronger and has grown a lot as a person. But what I thought was the most intriguing was how she became a loving christian. It was through the people around her who showed her love and who were inviting - the people who went out of their way to make a relationship and NEVER GAVE UP ON THEM were the ones who made the difference. She said that her mentor never gave up on her and continuously kept trying to pursue her. I think that's the most important thing. I related that to my own life because I also was so happy about being accepted into the sprummer community. How they were so loving and accepting to me and my own quirky personality was what really made it truly special. Satan tried to take those thoughts away from me with the problems I had with my friends so I wouldn’t become one of those people. But through the grace of God, I’ve gotten through the pain and struggle and want to grow as a person.

 Coming to Japan is one thing, but coming with the three people I’m around right now has changed me so much. I’ve only ever gone places with my family and haven’t really had to think too much about the quirks and minor details living with other people had to bring. Like Nathan is always very kind and willing to help other people out for the sake of others in the hotel room. He is super considerate to others and how they feel about certain situations, because he himself is super picky in certain areas and he wants other people to feel safe and okay, just as he would want to be felt. Issabell has been so stressed about keeping all of us safe, and she really cares about our wellbeing. Rebekah definitely needs some time to rest and cool down, but she’s willing to go past her limits for other people and do whatever. Just being with them, LIVING with them for these past four days has already made me a lot more conscious about the things that I’m doing and how it affects other people, both good and bad because I have found that it’s very important. I’ve seen certain things that I do that aren’t the best of habits, and I’ve been doing them out of selfishness and haven’t really considered how other people are affected by it. Especially since we’re living together. Like I do want things to be done my way, but you can’t always have everything your way. You gotta be willing to give things up for other people’s sake, just as they have been doing for you. That’s what it means to live together. Nathan and Issabell have a good symbiotic relationship and they know rather well in what they like and dislike. I see that Nathan has definitely been really conscious about how other people feel and he tries his best to help them out so that they’re feeling good and comfortable. I’ve never really thought about that because I’ve never had to worry truly about anyone else other than myself. I’ve been a single human bean my whole life. So all I’ve had to care about is myself. Now, living with four other people, I have to be much more conscious about my actions and how it affects other people. I really appreciate every one of them and they’re changing me to become better. I’m glad that I’ve come on this trip and that I can be on it with the best four people ever. I wouldn’t want to have come with anyone else. They’re so patient, compassionate, and kind. They’re willing to go out of their way for me and I really appreciate it. Okay, I’m gonna go and meet up with Uncle Kurt and get ready. Good talks.

[blessedjef]

I’m calling it right now. Change

This one is gonna be a little different from my other ones so bear with me. 

I’ve talked about change a lot.  “I want to change __” “I am going to make a change” “Starting today change is gonna happen”

It’s super easy to say that you’re going to change, but actions over words right? Have I really changed at all? I personally don’t think so. I dunno but lately I’ve really been feeling something pulling at me. It’s been in my head and in my heart for a while. I’ve been telling myself I’m going to change day in and day out, but when the final moment comes for the actual change, I choke and say that I’m just gonna start tomorrow. 

This week at CFR, my first time going since November, Felipe was speaking. He spoke about change, following God’s path and taking the narrow road instead of the easy wide one, and how we should fear God because of the awesome things he can do in life. He’s been on fire for the Lord lately and it’s been having a pretty strong impact right now. Like he’s so full of life, and I want to become full of life. I feel like I’ve been stagnant  — unable to move forward or make progress. It’s been weighing on my mind a lot as of late, and I decided that this is the final straw. Or time, or whatever you want to call it. I’m sick of myself. I’m sick of who I am at this moment. There’s so many things that I want but I keep holding myself back and it’s killing me on the inside. I want to grow, move forward, become a better man of God. That’s why I am really making an effort to really try and change this time. After listening to Fe speak this past Tuesday, I decided that I am going to make that change. Silently though. As Felipe spoke, he was speaking with so much passion and emotion for everyone in the room. He really wants us to grow in our faith. He doesn’t want us to be luke-warm Christians, or just the fact that we can really become disciples of God. But his biggest point was that anyone and everyone can change  — it’s just that no one does it. Why though? Judging off of past experience, change only occurs when a huge mistake happens in your life, someone dies, or a “life changing event” happens in your life. I want to know, 

Is it possible to want to change so badly that it will actually happen? 

People say it’s so simple to make change happen. Just stop doing your bad habits and “will” yourself to become better. I don’t think that’s possible. I know that to get through this, I have to fully trust in the Lord, and make the actually decision that I am going down that narrow path, letting him guide the way.  I know people read this, but this is really just for me tonight. I am making my own statement personally that I am going to change. This is for myself. This is so that I can have a better life. A life guided by God, not one that I am guiding. I feel like God’s given me opportunities and gifts, but I haven’t been using them at all. He’s given me a smart brain which I have gotten rid of because I was scared and angry with. I have been given the gift to lead, to be able to connect with people, athletic ability —  I have been given God’s grace. 

Examples:

1. I was driving Felipe to our indoor soccer game and he poured out the word of God to me, stating how Christians should judge, but to each other so that we can keep each other accountable. How else are we supposed to learn?  “I want to be like that. I want to be passionate about God’s grace. To have my words be filled with the Holy Spirit.”

2. I already explained this one above about how Felipe was speaking at CFR. His words really stuck to me and I felt a strong urge to follow what he was saying. I was super quiet during the small group and the message because I was just absorbing everything that he was saying. I also guilt because I was exactly the person that he was talking about. I am/was a luke-warm Christian - not making a change and just living life.  “That person he’s talking about is me. Damn Brandon, pull yourself together. You know who you are. You know what you can become. You can change. How badly do you want it? How badly do you want to change? You know you want to become stronger in your faith, gain more knowledge, live a better life. Go out and do it.”

3. We played volleyball at THPRD this Friday. I think it’s going to become a weekly thing for now on. It’s really fun to play with Jung, Nathan, Isaac, Amsilley, Rebekah, Rio, and Anmei. As we were playing around, Felipe attempted to serve the ball and he re-dislocated his shoulder. He cried out and held it, asking for help. No one knew what to do, and neither did I, but no one was moving and I was the first one over to him. I helped him put in his re-dislocated shoulder and later took him home. I felt super bad because he watched us play for 2 hours in pain and I have no idea why he didn’t ask for one of us to take him home, but he waited until we finished. So as everyone else went to Old Chicago, I took him home so he could rest. In the car, he vented his rage at himself for a little while, and talked a little about how he should have been smarter. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I told him that he was really making a change in people’s lives and that he was being really cool cause of how he was speaking life into other people. Of course, he didn’t believe it, but I can’t tell him that the person he’s changing is me. I want to first change, then tell him that he was a strong catalyst in the change. I hope I can tell him that some day.  *in the car* “Man Felipe, why did you have to re-dislocate your shoulder? Why you? You’re doing amazing things and it’s just not fair that it’s your that has to be going through this. I almost wish that it should happen to me because I feel like I deserve that more than you do. Man Felipe, even though you don’t know it, you’re making a huge impact on my life. I want to be able to tell you, but I can’t.”

aww dang it i’m crying now because I’m writing from my heart. But really Felipe’s so strong. He’s getting pushed and torn in all directions but he only has his eyes on God. But Fe’s changed my life so much. When I first met him I could feel God’s presence radiating from him. He’s always been kind, and he’s pushed me farther than any other friend has because he cares. And he does that for everyone. But honestly he’s pushed me so fking hard and made me into a better person I don’t know what I’d do without him. Felipe speaks life to me every day. If there’s something wrong, he’ll say it straight to my face. From day one he’s given me the hardest spiritual thoughts that I have ever come across, which still make me think to this day. Fe pushed me to finish my college apps, and without his support and constant nagging to do it, I don’t know if I would have done it. He’s always informed me about scholarship opportunities, and even when I didn’t want to do them, he constantly told me to complete it. Even at DECA when I wanted to quit working on a scholarship that he’d found that day, he told me continue doing it because that’s what I needed to do. Ya know, you really got to hear that from someone sometimes. He never says it in a mean tone or anything either. But it’s not just me. He cares about everyone. I think the real day that he started to increasingly change was when the airplane crash killed the Brazilian soccer team. He was sad for like one or two weeks. and I mean not just sad, but like devastated. After that, he began to speak even more life, constantly wondering about standing before God, and what our life really means. I think that Felipe has found his meaning, his purpose, what he’s working towards. I’m thankful for the friend who will just ask about the little things. When I go on a trip, or have had a cool experience, he asks how it went and wants to genuinely hear about it. I wish I could talk to Nate or Jung about those things, but they never bother to ask, which makes me a little sad on the inside. Like when I went to Japan and came back, basically everyone acted like nothing happened, which for them it didn’t. But for me I wanted to share it with the world! With Fe, I was able to really let myself out and share all my thoughts because he was genuinely curious. 

All in all, I want to change. I’m going to change. Thanks Fe for being in my life. I just really hope that I don’t forget anything or lose my memories. I’ve watched 2 movies this week that had Amnesia in it, so it’s pretty sketch not gonna lie. I don’t want to forget the people in my life, the good moments, the bad experiences, and especially the feelings and thoughts that I have. Who I am now and who I was 5 years ago was totally different. I have a little recognition of the past me, but not too much, like the morals and personality(to an extent) and stuff. I want to get it all down. I want to remember. I want to change. 

Btw 君の名は(kimi no na ha(wa)) is like top 3 movies I’ve ever watched. The feelings, memories, thoughts going through my mind. Just like. wow. 

10:59PM 2/25/17   (actually Saturday)

~

[blessedjef]

B-thoughts: Words are huge

Current Health: SO SORE UGH. Also very tired Current Emotional Health: Friday- happy, Sat-Monday meh Current Thoughts: Damn Issabell that hurt 

I go to sleep way too late, but today I fell asleep at my desk around 7, so I just decided to sleep early and wake up early and do hw then. So I got up at 4 because my body told me so and I ate, did homework, and am now writing at 6:25 in the morning. I don’t have too much time. 

Friday was bomb. Lost in the finals for indoor, but I played well and scored in the last 10 seconds for us to tie and go into penalties where we lost. After we all went to McDonald’s. That was the best. Talked with Nate Fe and Jung until 2 in the morning. I’m going to miss these days. 

I’m pretty pissed with myself cause I’m not feeling it right now, and Fe talked about how he’s getting closer to God and I’m mad cause I’m not. I’m kinda stuck right now, but that’s cause I’m not doing anything. I feel like I’m moving at a snail’s pace. I went to church and slept kinda right in front of the pastor and didn’t care, which is really bad. I had slept late the past night and also went to work before coming to church, so I was dead. It’s really sad though. I need to pull myself together there. 

Mainly I’ve been thinking about what Issabell said earlier yesterday though. Nathan and I went to surprise her at Southridge during her TOK(Theory of Knowledge) Class, and we got wrecked cause her teacher called on Nate and I to speak. I kinda ranted about Trump, his inauguration, and how I was making no sense but perceived to make sense so it was factual, even though it wasn’t, which was pretty great. But later we went to get food and Nate was talking to Issabell on the phone and I guess she thought she wasn’t on speaker and she was, but basically she said how it was in my imagination about Jo and that I wasn’t doing anything. That made absolutely no sense cause i’m rambling. Paraphrase: The thought of Jo is just in my imagination and I’m not doing anything which makes me delusional. 

I actually like hearing that kind of stuff though because that’s when people are giving their honest opinion about you — during the times when they’re not talking to you. I wish I could hear more of that kind of stuff because I feel like I need to hear it. I do accept she’s right on how I haven’t done anything, and yeah it kinda does seem like it’s just in my imagination right now. Because of that I actually texted her. AND SHE STILL HASN’T REPLIED AKA LIKE A DAY LATER :’(. I’m kinda done. haha. I’m just so bad at texting. I really like talking in real life, and not through social media/phone and stuff cause I can never get my points across correctly if I don’t. Like Mosnott was talking to me about my senior project and how Wildcats of Westview made no sense on paper, but after I explained it to her, it made perfect sense. Oh well, I’m okay with giving up though cause I haven’t done anything to pursue cause I’m a wuss in that area. I’m just gonna think about what Issabell said for the next like week or two, say i’m gonna make changes, then actually make changes then forget why I made changes. wooo. 

I find that I take what people say very seriously and to heart as well. When someone says something to me and I want to prove them wrong I make it a point to do so — like when Kendrick said to me he was better for prez sophomore year cause I didn’t work hard enough. I kept playing what he said back in my mind for 2 years which is what drove me to get up from naps and to try harder during elections and stuff. This will probably fuel me for a while too. sooo much fun. okay, it’s 6:40 AM, I gotta go to get ready for school PCE

~

6:40 AM   1/24/17   (Huh actually writing as Tuesday)

[blessedjef]

#wipedout #snowpocalypse2k17

Current Health: Very sore Current Emotional Health: Not bad!  Current thoughts: I’m losing muscle and Jo, lol. 

11:51 Pm on Thursday, not too bad.

I thought it’s only been a short time since I last wrote, but it’s already been over a week? Seriously? In that time we had a huge snowstorm and we didn’t go to school for a week. It’s definitely been the most since the great snowstorm of ‘08, and we had a solid good 8′’ or foot, which was pretty nice. I got to try driving in the snow which was pretty hard. I also stayed cooped up in my room 99% of the time doing college apps! I finished four of them over the break, as well as 2 scholarship essays. If I say so myself, I was pretty productive! I didn’t get too much done for school though, which is a bummer, but we’re two weeks away from finals and I’m starting to get wiped out from all the writing and studying I’ve been doing. I need like a solid break, and then try to get back into the books. It doesn’t help that I’ve been thinking about Joanne but oh well. It’s actually mostly been thinking about the difference between this and Jasmine, which is kinda interesting. I know what I’m thinking and that’s perfectly fine with me, so that’ll stay in my brain for a while longer. I do hope we can hang out soon so I can ask her out on a date, that’d help my thoughts out a lot so if it does or doesn’t happen I can either continue to pursue, or drop it all together. 

Yesterday I went to go work out with Andy at UFC(edge). I freaked out the night before because Kendrick was saying how he has more flab.  I started poking my legs, the only part of my body which is passable, and found that I LOST MUSCLE. It was depressing to poke my leg and not feel a rock, but instead a cushion! So yeah, I freaked out and officially decided to get a gym membership and start working out/doing cardio more. I’m trying to be careful because of my elbows, but i think it should be okay. My whole body is sore though. I did upper body with Andy, then ran 2 miles in 15 minutes on the treadmill. My legs started to spasm which was pretty nice in a bad way because I haven’t felt like that in months. I hate running on a treadmill though. I worked up a huge sweat, and it’s super boring not being able to control your pace because you have to go with the machine, and not yourself. 

Anything else going on? Not really. I’m just trying to get through all this school work and college stuff that I have to do right now. It’s been pretty tiring but worth it. I’m trying to get better, so that’s good. I haven’t made any blunders recently, and I haven’t been feeling too horrid which is good too. I think as long as I do what I need to do I should be okay. In the past I’ve felt bad because I’m not doing well enough or cause I’m mad at myself for some reason, so who knows. Tomorrow’s our playoffs for soccer so let’s see how we do in the indoor tournament!

~

12:07 AM  1/20/17    (Thursday not too bad I’m getting better)

[blessedjef]

B-thoughts: Decision making

Current health: My body is sore from Jujitsu  Current emotional standpoint: Exhausted, Confused, Thinking Current thoughts: Why am I making these decisions?

it’s 2:08 AM — I can’t sleep. 

Lately I’ve been making some weird choices. I’m neither happy, nor too sad about them, but I am wondering why. I didn’t apply to SCU, and I had before really wanted to apply there. I also didn’t apply to Stanford, which I was going to apply to as well. I guess it’s cause I waited until the last day to do it, and thought that it wasn’t worth the time or the money. I decided that I would go to UO over SCU, and the chances of me getting into Stanford are close to none.  I also went to a JuJitsu class with Jung and Felipe for the first time. I was going to do that, but as of today I decided to not continue going. Same with getting a gym membership — I was going to get one for 24, but now I’m not. Mom and Dad were pretty surprised about all of this, but mom kept talking about all the options and it felt like she was saying not to do it. I always take things black or white, so it didn’t bode well for me. I thought about it some more, and for the JuJitsu, I don’t want to continue it because I don’t really enjoy it. I’m just going because Jung and Felipe are. I want to do something that I enjoy doing — something that I can put my heart and soul into. Something that I can become passionate about, like student government. 

We got like 6 -8 inches of snow falling right now, it’s like a lot and there’s not going to be school tomorrow. I tried sleeping but I can’t so I decided this would be a good time to write. I also took a small peek into my past blogs, and I was kinda taken aback by what I wrote. 

I don’t know what it is, but time really takes a toll on my feelings and memory. I don’t know if it’s I just push everything to the back of my mind, but when I wrote the past B-rant, I completely forgot what I was mad about. I had to read it for a while to really remember. It’s depressing. 

I need to remember these things so they can keep my fire going

December:

I looked back a little and noticed that I missed ALL of December. I was super super busy that month because of college apps and school stuff it was crazy. But I had a lot of stressful moments of trying to get college apps done, along with student gov with a game changing moment by standing up for what I believed in against Addie, and also winter break where I got to have loads of fun, and loads of sad moments of me doing nothing in the house. 

I got hang out with Joe, and that was the best night ever. Just hanging out with him outside of family stuff was amazing. Just chilling, playing poker, going out to eat, and then some fifa 06 on the ps2. Best night ever. 

I was gonna ask out Joanne on a date but yeahhhh never happened. We all tried to hang out as a group like 3 times over break, and they all failed in people either canceling or, well actually yeah they just canceled. I was gonna ask her as the night ended of us all hanging out to go on a date, but oh well. Plans failed. I’m very torn right now about all this love situation and stuff and I don’t like it. I have to make a decision and continue on and move but I guess i’m afraid of getting too attached then and then for her/anyone to leave my life. Always happens. Then I can’t get over it for years and I still think about them and it sucks. Not just with people I “love” but just with friends too. I’m scared they’ll leave too. Like Tiffany(good example) I was pretty close to her early in high school, but now things have changed and she doesn’t really converse with me. I’m sad glad that I didn’t get as invested and attached because it’d hurt way more right now than it does. Right now, it’s more just a longing that I could be better friends with her. It’s okay though, I got the people I need in my life around me right now. 

Update on Resolutions: I’m getting closer! I did study more, which is pretty aight. So we going places. Still not too close on any other part, but that’s okay. Progress is progress. I just wish I could move on with my life. Still stuck. 

See ya soon...

1/11/2017  2:31 AM (Tuesday but now Wednesday)

~