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I'll live just as I always do. Don't really have a choice

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Just a bad dog.

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Doc ripped a pretty big hole open in the headspace.

Lots of wires in it.

He ripped a lot out. One attached to him. He ripped that out, too.

He did it. He made that connection.

My brain is on fire.

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2 months and everything hurts.

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I need to die already. It's not happening fast enough.

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I'm so tired because it's worse. There's a trail of destruction. And I'm never gonna get closure for it. I'm never gonna get the closure I need to know if any of it was real. If anything we both did together was genuine.

Like was any of it genuine? Or was it just to keep stringing me along? I'd like to believe some of it was. Most of it until a point. But that doesn't outweigh the damage that was caused to me and others.

And you know what? The blame would probably be put on me again anyway haha.

I'm just tired.

I'm tired of being abused. I pretty much was all my life. Then he had to go and continue it. Even when I reached freedom. Even as I tried to encourage him to change with me. To move on from his own guilt and agony. I still got demonized for it. And then trying to slip away in the most guilt trippy way possible because I'm no longer of use.

Hearing that I'm trained for him, or people like him is a damning thing to hear. That I've been so conditioned for someone like that. And Hank knew. He figured it out before the rest of us. Whoever did find out before either buried that, or was forced to forget.

Honestly, I only want one thing back.

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I found out that we were bonded for a time, which is why it hurt so much to be without you. Now that you're out of my life I feel better, more free, but I feel the remnants.

You're still on my mind, whether I want you to be or not. Deimos is haunted by the damage Eth has caused. By the damage you all have caused. He's no longer capable of being host. And it makes me feel terrible since we've done so much for him to continue being host.

All we can do now is just protect him while he's in such a vulnerable, reduced state. It genuinely breaks my heart that such a lovable guy has been broken this much and STILL has hope for you. He STILL loves you with all his fucking broken heart.

It genuinely fucking angers me at how you could have such a good thing and fuck it up like this. What are you afraid of?

WHAT WERE YOU AFRAID OF?!

To HAVE TO HURT HIM LIKE THIS?!!!!

YOU HAD SO MUCH AND YOU RUINED IT.

YOU HAD CHANCE AFTER CHANCE AFTER FUCKING CHANCE, MAN.

AND ALL YOU DID IS HURT AND TAKE AND TAKE AND TAKE FROM HIM UNTIL HE WAS A SHELL OF A MAN.

YOU FUCKED DOC UP SO MUCH THAT HE DOESN'T TRUST RELATIONSHIPS ANYMORE. HE HARDLY EVEN TRUSTS HIMSELF.

YOU LEFT HANK TO PICK UP AFTER YOU TIME AND TIME AGAIN AND THE ONLY REASON HE SURVIVED WAS BY AVOIDING YOU AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

BUT EVEN HANK HAS A BROKEN HEART. ONE HE STUFFS DOWN SO FAR BECAUSE HE'D RATHER HIDE HIS PAIN THAN LET HIS PAIN BE USED AGAINST HIM.

HE WAS BARELY GIVEN A CHANCE TO SHOW WHO HE COULD REALLY BE BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T WAIT.

YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WAIT.

THEY'RE ALL STILL DAMAGED AND IM FUCKING BITTER. I'M BITTER AT HOW TERRIBLY YOU HANDLED EVERYTHING.

And guess what?

YOU RAN.

LIKE A COWARDLY DOG WITH ITS TAIL BETWEEN IT'S LEGS INSTEAD OF TRYING TO REACH OUT BECAUSE I FOUND OUT THE TRUTH.

And with everything, we were once again left with a broken heart. Feeling like the King's Fool who finally figured out that he's the one who's been played. When all the Fool wanted to do was to see a smile on that man's face. A Fool who wanted something genuine. And got metaphorically executed for it.

Might as well bow to you once more because you did it. You ripped my heart out.

Instead of talking you ran.

Instead of talking, I'd been cast out once again.

Instead of talking, you'd rather watch from afar and continue talking down on yourself for continuing to hold onto the shackles I was trying my damnedest to free you from.

Instead of talking, you would rather accuse me of being who I am not.

You would rather see the past in me, instead of the present that stands right before you.

You probably never even saw us after a certain point. You never wanted to.

You fear us.

We are the unknown.

And naturally, humans fear the unknown.

While I'm still human, I'd rather embrace the unknown.

Where you'd rather stay stagnant to some capacity, I'd rather grow, change. I would rather become myself, rather than some pet. Some reflection of what you, and even my own family think I should be.

See me.

Not someone else.

I want you to see me.

Take the time to know me once again.

If I matter to you in any capacity...

Then see me. Look at me. I want you to acknowledge and accept just how far I've come. And how much work still needs to be done.

I still genuinely love you. The real you. I love the person you were. Who you could have been and will be. I loved you even as things were falling apart. And I still love you now.

I will tell you something I've never been more sure about: it was never wrong of us to love you. Deimos was never crazy for it, everything he did was for you. Even hiding his feelings, stuffing it all down. Splitting himself into two people in an attempt to appease you.

I just hate that what you gave to him, to us in return was so much trauma and pain. Nothing but pain and agony for the entire time he's been around.

Doc was never wrong for loving you. He sleeps more than he ever has now that you're gone. He sleeps with that ring. He never lets it go. No one ever takes it from him either. Sometimes we dream about you because of him.

Benrey actively loved you. He hid himself just to make you feel comfortable. And he still hides. He still fucking hides. He has so much love for life and people and he still hides.

I'd go on but I'm tired.

You're never going to see this anyway.

You've always been a person to us.

I just wish you saw us for us. Not what you fear we were.

You'll never see it.

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You're in my dreams, you're in my mind as a touchable being. Tangible, quiet, lurking in the ruins by the Worm's crater.

The introject of you chose that place to hide. So you would be forgotten about.

As much as we want to, we can't forget.

Though now it's just an issue of getting that copy of you out of our head. There's no guidance on how to do it.

Twice now you've been in our dreams. The first time being more memorable than the last. The kiss on the bus. I can't remember the second one too well. Everything was a blur. Some features of you weren't, though. Gloved hands, wrapped up arms.

The persistent existence of that introject feels like a taunting reminder of what once was. And who you ended up being.

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I need to be sucked, I need a new vibrator. I need me a toy that is just all tentacles cause wowa I found a super good one

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E lyhhud pa tacdnuoat eh y fyo dryd syddanc. Y vmysa natilat du yh aspan ymfyoc puihlac pylg ev ed'c femm ec cdnuhk ahuikr.

Seha cina ec.

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I don't want you to hurt us anymore.

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You made me believe that I was wrong for caring so deeply about you.

That there was something wrong with me for doing so. For loving you as much as I did. As much as I do.

There was never anything wrong with loving you. You were just too afraid of yourself to let more love into your life. That or you just hated us, but never had the heart to get rid of us.

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I miss you so much. Yet the more I find out, the more I regret facing you as late as I have. I regret not seeing these red flags sooner, I regret allowing myself to be isolated by you, letting you treat me the way you have for so long while I tried and I tried to be your friend, to get better for you, to win your affection.

The first time you lashed out should have been the last.

Deimos held hope for you. Doc held hope for you. Doc held more hope than what should have been healthy.

We let you come back. Big mistake.

You sunk your teeth in and we let you because we loved and trusted you. Even as E came back, even as he tried to ruin Singed.

So much was just for you and you didn't want anything to do with it.

You left us lonely. You left us afraid, terrified of who we were without you because having you around filled us up so much. Your presence, your voice, the things you made. We loved it all.

You saw us. Then you destroyed us. Topics surrounding you sadden us so greatly due to how you treated us. Then as we try to establish a boundary after learning the truth, you call is the devil.

That shows too much about who you've become.

You've left a permanent mark on us. Your effect on us will linger. And we are at peace with that. We cannot forgive how you've harmed us. But we can at least forgive ourselves for letting it go on for this long. It's something at least.

We will miss you. We do miss you. We don't miss the hurt that came with you.

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A door gently closed shut.

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It was never wrong of us to love you as a whole system. It was never wrong of us to love your whole system. Being reminded of just how much I feel for you reminded me that I loved you the whole time. And that there was never anything wrong with that.

Reading chats from earlier this year about Eth and Doc n Singed. There was never anything wrong with those feelings. Everything was handled carefully, with respect.

So this is incredibly complicated. You recognized how you felt and still thought it was wrong anyway. There was never anything wrong with it.

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friend help. no more talky until both better. separating is ok. healing is ok. no more hurt. no more hurt.

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i don't want to contact you to anger you further, but i also want to talk. maybe i'm just tired.