blkjck23

[blkjck23]

Been a while

Right now im on summer vacation but unfortunately i still have online classes so there isnt much i can do. we went on a trip few dayss ago it was pretty good actually and i mostly enjoyed it.

i am about to get my drivers license that awesome and so my dads been taking me driving for the last few days.

i think things are getting better im not sure im never sure but i have started new shows movies and others since the classes there isnt much else i can do.

i think im losing my ability to write and now i think i never had any ability, i tried to type up my books first chapter but i cant decide on even 1 line its complete crap i can tell the story but thats its but i cant write it down i know everything thats happening beginning to end but i can write it down.

i hope i can do better these things that are floating around in my head has to be something other that waste of brain space.

[blkjck23]

Sun & Moon

I am the sun

hidden behind the world

And I love you, for

You are the moon

You are the only way

My light can be shown

As my light is hidden in the

Cruelty of this world

You reflect it back to me as my single source of hope in this world.

[blkjck23]

Writing Again

So I have decided to finish my novel.

I am a writer but I haven't been able to finish any of my novels in the past few years. I have written few poems in bits of paper but thats it. Anytime I try to write again something blocks me most of the time its writers block or self editing. some of my novels, I put of in writing because I tried to jam myself into a specific genre. So instead I decided to write one that wasn't a full on member of any genre. I would finish it and then decide its genre.

most of my ideas for my novel comes from my dreams sometimes I see a flash of a scene a conversation or as in the case of my current novel the entire story .The problem is I only have the story I need to fill a book with it. my main problems are I'm in college the workload is big. I have a heavy case of writers block also my ADHD prevents me from concentrating on anything. But I guess the biggest problem for my lack of time would be my addiction for tv shows.

This addiction started as a defence mechanism for the trauma inflicted upon me by my parents. My father is an emotionally manipulative abusive alcoholic control freak who hates his family because we took away his freedom and his chance at happiness rather than being his source of happiness. My mother who thrives feeds of and enjoys the conflicts she knowingly create in which my father loses his temper and becomes violent and me and my brother have to get in between. My brother much like my defence mechanism had one of his own unfortunately it was not healthy as mine he shut off completely and had a sociopathic level of lack of empathy and narcissism.

I can count the days my parents haven't fought in my fingers. There hasn't been a day in my life where I wasn't afraid a fight may break out between them. The only way we knew to reduce the fighting was keep them apart but as one of them or even maybe both of them loves conflict its almost impossible to keep the peace.

I often feel sorry for my brother I remember him when he was a kid before his defence mechanism kicked in he was a very good and sociable person and that person is gone now my worry is that there might not be anything anyone professional can do for him as he may be too far gone.

As I look back on my days as a kid not in the last 19 years have I had a day that I can say that was my happiest day in my life as no day has ever been come where I haven't been scared or sad or even felt peace. Even the closest I have had are when I would spent a day with my father alone I would have a semblance of peace these days but very short lived as he took it as a way to blame antything on my mother.

As a young age I took comfort in reading I loved it I started my debut in famous five and harry potter but as the years pass by I lost my patience with book as they were not fast enough to help me with my increasing sadness .

My sadness didn't turn into depression until l was in my teens,13 to be exact it was the age when I started to feel the impact of my parents on me and my sad mind set soon became full on depression unfortunately no one in my family had much faith or never heard of Depression so I was helpless.

13 is also the age of my first suicidal moment it was after the biggest fight my parents ever had so big I was so afraid. I was 13 I had no idea no hope so I decided to kill myself I wrote my suicide not on my bedroom wall illegible of course and waited for my house to be empty so I could do the deed .But I had a long wait ahead of me and the way I chose to pass the time was watching a tv show I borrowed from my cousin I started by watching 1 episode by the end I had watched 23 episode per season or10 season 2 days had passes along with my suicidal thoughts the tv show was called friends. I made it my life's mission to find tv shows like that and that led me into the wide variety of interests all of which made me become who I am and I used pictures of characters from the tv shows to cover my suicide note on my wall ever since then I've been addicted to them. I wont say it isn't healthy because in my entire life it was the thing that raised me it taught me right from wrong it taught me about love it raised me to be a good person it taught me to be a gentleman and by the time I was 15 it was my only source of happiness in the middle of a million sources of sadness after that I had 3 more suicidal thoughts all of which were thrown away by the tv shows after a while I restarted my reading habit but when the books got expensive it was lowered. Any way that's how I was addicted to tv shows and it is a big part of my life.

In my senior year of highschool my yearly allowance to buy books of a .1000 bucks which could only buy me 3 or 4 books stopped and I stopped reading for a long time and I got out of the habit I have restarted it again but it is coming on slowly I have also started the habit of watching old american hollywood movies, the real classic feelgood ones and juggling to keep the time with them is hard.

So finally after the movie stuck in love I decided to start writing again and I think tumblr may be a good spot for me to start posting some of my poems.

so if anyone wants to use them just mention its from me and this account and quote away, not praising my self but I think some of them are good.

Thank you for reading the therapeutic ramblings of a sad mad man.

Thank you

[blkjck23]

First one

So I'm new to tumblr so I don't know how this stuff works. For most of my life I was ignorant of technology, may be the only member of gen z who was so. I never grew up with technology, the first phone I ever saw was my fathers old Nokia supernova which was also the only phone in the house and the first smartphone I saw was an old Nokia 311 Asha. To the people here reading this might know how old these phones are when you hear the name Nokia. They rarely make phones now, anyway both of these phones I never was allowed to touch, the first ever phone I got was my fathers supernova, after he had gotten few other phones over time, but my first ever smartphone was an old Oppo A7 phone that went in the water and was fixed. The thing drained battery fast, hanged when the internet was on, only had about 3 Gb of internal storage space and didn't work with any sim card higher than 3g. It was pathetic but it was mine and the only reason I got this phone was due to the Covid virus and I had to attend my classes through online meets. I begged and patiently waited for and got an Upgrade later on, but only got it because I was going to college.

I feel like there is a confusion of timing, I was born in the year 2004. The first phone, the supernova I got was when I was 12 and corona virus happened after I finished the 10 grade, in American that would be sophomore in High school. So the first time I got an actual phone was when I was 16 and only because I needed it. Therefore I was never a wizard on the devices but I managed to figure out most of the things I needed and was proficiently using them but I was always a mile behind other kids in my peer group.

I don't mean I don't like that, because, of this I am not dangerously addicted to anything, I love to read books -since it was the only source of entertainment I had - I started with kids comics, not superhero but strip books with picture stories and slowly raised the standards to thicker books first of them was the "Famous Five" by Enid Blyton a book I got from my seriously understocked school library.

I have a tendency of losing interest in things especially repetitive things, I associate that with my ADHD so there is a decent chance I won't post anything for a long time, but I hope not,

thank you it was a great experience