blobstakemaui-blog

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Day 7: Alo-HAHAHAHAhA

Here’s a fuckin cracker of a shot taken with us enjoying 5 plus a day with all the amazing friends we made on this trip seated behind us!

Friends for life HAHAHhahahaHAhahaahahahha (I mean, who needs friends when most ‘normies’ are fucking peasants!). 

See you guys back at work tomorrow!

Blobs Took Maui

[blobstakemaui-blog]

G’day ya fuckin’ losers.

Downsy’s baaaaaAAAaaaaack. Good on ya Brodz ya good bitch for taking over this blog while I was chilling in the hospital. HHAHAHAHAHAHHAhahahaAH absolutely classic me, eh? What a hilarious fucking drongo I am (tell all your mates to follow this blog to see how fucking mental we are).

Soz for my shitty keyboard, Brodz, and for all those random fucking pop-ups that keep getting on my computer. I’ve honestly never been to Dingos’DanglingDongersDotcom.com before in my life so don’t know why their premium, and very viewable, content keeps following me around! It’s so hot and random (a bit like Krystel Lol- such a Charlotte). Must’ve gotten a stupid fucking virus or some shit while looking for that file that let me 3D print JC’s eyes... Poor Alice didn’t know what hit ‘er (or more) that night hahaha

Anyway, I had a bit of a nightmare that Brodz filled you in on and ended up leaving the Maui Clubhouse with a little fella. The two days in the hospital combined with the horrific body scarring (caused by third-degree pruning from being in the wave pool for 18hours straight with nothing but Sambuca for hydration) have nothing on the tough conversation I had to have with mum when I explained to her that I pashed a non-white.

I’ve never felt less like a trew blue, minority-hatin’, VB swillin’ Aussie in me god dam life. Not even staring at my new tat could make the shame disappear.

To make sure this wasn’t the start of a habit that would see me prowling Howick and Upper Queen St’s K-pop bars on Friday nights, I got the doctor to check me for Yellow Fever. 

I escaped the hospital, with nothing but my dressing gown, my beret, my last roller of Impulse Frangipani (who says a girl can’t smell seductive all the time hahahaha- vintage Samantha) and 30 viles of morphine up my Frangi-punani. Hahahahah just kidding mum. I was going to run back and pick up my wallet and dignity - but I realised one was empty and the other one never existed.

Now it was time for the beach.

Krystel had been harking on about some place called pipeline. My two favourite things in one word? Fucking ‘oath this was going to be hectic. So I bought a 24 pack of Foster’s, Krystel bought a crate of menthols and Brodz brought 5 signed mini-disks of her live show at the Maui Clubhouse.

There was some dolphin that was sunbathing on the beach. I’d recognise that tattered blowhole from a mile away.

“Check it out gals! It’s the honorary blob that helped us open the bottle the other day! What a maaaad cunt!” I laughed.

We popped our towels next to the blobphin (hilarious pun - cheers Krystel) and started tanning. Blobphin’s skin was peeling off and smelled like nana’s dungeon room on a hot Sunday afternoon, but it was nothing we weren’t used to - so we rolled some Impulse through his fins, poured a Foster’s down the blowhole which just frothed and foamed out the mouth.

We sat and reflected on what a week it was, as we skimmed our empty cans of Foster’s at the vegan fucking hippies who were stand up paddleboarding.

What a whacky week it had been.

We’d eaten, I’d preyed on a Lynx Africa wearing chinaman, and all three of us have loved every minute.

And, you know what? I think Maui loved us back too.

As the 4th vile of morphine hit my system everything went black - which was annoying, I’d wished it had gone white like me.

TTYL

Blobs Take Maui

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Day 5: Blobs Take a Dog

Heya blog fans! 

Brodie here again (Nat will hopefully be back up and running on this blog tomorrow). But really starting to see the potential of this blog - had over 13 unique visitors on my Soundcloud over the past two days! That’s a 1300% increase from last year’s total listeners!

Move over Lorde, there’s a new kiwi songbird in town, and this one doesn’t look like the illegitimate child of Arya Stark and Hagrid. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH - nah just kidding babez, love you, you’ve done great things for music and I wouldn’t be where I am now if it weren’t for you and see you at the VNZMA’s. Just a bit of friendly competition haha x

Big shoutout to two new soundcloud fans DiamanteDazzlerDarrylWong007 and  The_Real_Martin_Wong_Please_Send_Nudes_8223 - I’ll send you my MiniDisc of songs when I get back! I guess this is one of those rare times where two Wongs do get it right HAHAHAHAHAH -  can’t wait to find Nat to tell her that one.

Speaking of Nat, I’ll fill you in with how our search for Nat ended...

The Reddit article we mentioned yesterday had told us that Downsy would be at a Maui wave pool, we just had no idea which one. That’s when Krystel had the genius idea (such a Charlotte thing to do!) to hire a bloodhound to track her down. 

So we went to a petshop and brought a pug (honestly, they didn’t have any bloodhounds, and these ones definitely had the biggest noses... and he was so fucking cute we LITERALLY died). We called him Spark-Pug (a fucking hilarious pun on spark plug, classic us, and a sure-fire way to get the expense paid for by the Spark team lolol take that Mitch you little bitch HAHAH stupid peasant). 

We knew we needed to recreate Downsy’s scent. So we doused a pair of Downsy’s worn knickers in; Impulse Frangipani, some menthol cigarette smoke, blood from a Chinaman’s arm (just in case she’d sobered up and knifed the poor fellow that she met at the bar), some shots of Sambuca and a Le Snack (French Onion Flavour). 

Spark-Pug got the scent, but he didn’t travel far. He spun around and made a beeline on our downstairs honeypots! 

“All men are the same, am I right?!” Krystel said, as we both cackled while a dog ferreted around our boxes as if it were a Sunday afternoon at Chapel bar. 

She was right. But I appreciated that she asked my opinion on whether I thought she was right. 

The distinct sound of the Venga Bus filled the room. It told me one thing. I was receiving a call from an unknown number. 

“Helloooooooooooo. It’s me..” I started singing in a pitch perfect rendition of Adele, just in case it was one of my new fans from the night before. 

Annoyingly, it was someone from the local Maui police (The Hawaii 5-0) who thought they may have found Downsy. But they needed us to come and identify her? 

“Identify her?” I replied. Had she died? Were we going to the morgue? Krystel’s probation doesn’t allow her to be within 50 metres of any deceased men or iguanas. 

The policeman replied “No, she’s passed out in the wavepool. Due to the nature of the length of time she’s been in the water  the amount of Sambuca consumed, her skin has wrinkled to a very... well... scrotal texture with a bright purple hue. A bit like what Barney the Dinosaur’s ball-sack would feel like, but in the shape of a starfish.” 

“We do have a police sketch of how we found her at the scene, which might help?”

He sent through this painting:

“That’s our blob! We’ll be there in a second.”

And before we knew it we’d tied Spark-Pug to some nerd’s Segway, threw all the dog accessories in the bin (except for a diamante choker which I decided to wear myself cause it was just soooo 2017) and were on our way across town. 

What another whacky day for the blobs! I hope Spark-Pug is alright - LOLOLOLOLOL Who cares? Little flat faced loser.  

Stay tuned tomorrow. 

TTYL

Blobs take Maui

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Day 4: Blobs Lose a Blob

Hi fans, Brodz here (definitely the Carrie of the group lolol)

Nat’s gone a little bit missing on what was supposed to be our ADVENTURE DAY <see totally candid photo above>, so I thought i’d jump on this blog that she keeps rambling about to see if anyone’s seen her. So ard to type wen you cn’t see the ‘H’ and ‘A’ keys. 

Anyway, to make me feel more comfortable, I’m going to put the word out there for all potential rescuers in the only way I know how. 

Date: 24/02/2017

Client: Blobs take Maui

Job Number: BTM007

Campaign Name: Has anyone seen my drunk, abusive, Aussie Mate?

 Version: 1

Written by: Brodz + Krystel (aka Carrie and Charlotte).

Background:

Ok, I’m not going to lie, Krystel and my memory is a bit hazy to say the least... but I’ll do my best. 

Last night we went to the club called The Maui Clubhouse. Nat misread the sign and thought it was a spot where we might find our taxi driver from day one. She couldn’t wait to perform a few easily deniable in a court of law, but very offensive in person, hate crimes on him. 

When we opened the door, it was like the music stopped. Everyone spun around to look at us...

Maybe it was the Impulse Frangipani that we’d doused ourselves in, filling their very wide nostrils?

Maybe it was our matching mesh fingerless gloves?

Maybe it was cos we were the hottest bitches these horny cunts had ever seen? (obviously joking, probably!)

Actually, it was probably Downs clomping in with her brand new clogs and matching beret with two big fingers in the air screaming "You want the other half of this sandwich on your head you wannabe?!” while the other half of the airport sandwich from our first day in Hawaii peered out of her disheveled beret. 

Yeah... it was definitely that. 

Anyway, I went to the bar where the owner asked me what I had under my arm. 

“It’s the Battle of the Ad Bands trophy from 2015 - I take it everywhere with me. I wasn’t going to bring it up, but if you need an award winning vocalist... just come on over and call me VaaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAaaalerie.″ 

I sang the last note pitch perfect.  

"Yeah, whatever. There’s a box that you can stand on there, the Jukebox is loaded with Now That’s What I Call Music Volume 4, I hope that’s ok”

I was stoked. Mambo Number 5 was on that album and is easily one of the most powerful songs ever written; which is why I had all the words tattooed in a single line from my lower back to my achilles heel. 

I knew this was my time to shine. 

As I belted out Crazy Frog to warm the crowd up, my nostrils started tingling. It was the unmistakeable smell of Lynx Africa. I’d seen the ads, I know what happens to women when a man’s lathered in Lynx - we were soon going to be completely powerless and instantly drawn to him. 

And that’s the last time I saw Downsy. She was talking to this Casanova - I heard the tearing as he opened his velcro wallet to buy the next round of Quick Fucks, quickly followed by the clinking of his stainless steel chain-wallet as he slipped it back into his pocket. His satin boxers glistened in the warm glow of my voice. 

I was under his spell, but Downsy even more so. 

I was about to crescendo on Mambo Number 3 and move the whole room up through Mambo Numbers 4 and 5 when I saw her running off with him. She really must have been blind drunk, as the guy was Chinese and we know she doesn’t take kindly to minorities. 

And we haven’t seen her since. 

She was drinking a lot of black Sambuca which had already stained her teeth and lips a deep purple, and we found her Sambuca stained beret in a bus-stop - so we’re following this Reddit lead very closely for updates:

Requirements: Find Downzy because I can’t be fucked blogging for her anymore. 

Deliverables: One blob (or purple starfish with similar levels of chat) delivered back to our love den ASAP.  And follow ‘blobbonnie’ on Reddit

Timings: ASAP

Anyway, stay tuned to our absolutely craaaaazy adventures and follow me on SoundCloud!

TTYL

Blobs Take Maui xxx

[blobstakemaui-blog]

Day 3: Blobs take Dolphins

Our alarm went off at 10am. And by alarm, I mean the sound of Brodie vomiting into her own shoes and then trying to slip them on again! What a blobby blowout (or... a blobout! where do I keep coming up with this stuff?! Follow me on twitter), CLASSIC BRODZ! Fortunately she only vomited in her aqua-marine Crocs - so the vomit just kinda oozed out the holes onto Krystel’s hair, which now smells like rum, gherkins, Martini olives, chips, menthol cigarettes, and white privilege. I’m actually still lolling about that hahahahhahaha, smelly bitch. 

We’d managed to get the manager to throw in a free dolphin tour for us three, and all we had to do was make Krystel pretend she was terminally ill and it was her last dying wish! She looked so hilaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarious in her bald cap, and the wheelchair Brodie stole was a nice touch (but surprisingly hard to get...). But worth it for the free tickets - a group of suits fleecing some unsuspecting idiots, what’s new?! Hahahahahaha, stupid peasants. 

Anyway, we reapplied our Impulse frangipani, Brodz put on her crocs and we got on the uber Oaohu (or how ever the fuck you spell it - honestly, you’re in America, speak fucking English. I don’t want to feel like I’m singing like a fucking humpback whale every time I try to pronounce a shitty place) to do some dolphin watching. 

It was 2pm by the time we got there, it was stinking hot and we’d only brought two bottles of Vodka and a 12 pack of Monteith’s (Follow No One - except for this blog obviously lol, hahaha that’s one of Krystel’s lines) between the three of us! 

Krystel left the bottle opener at home, but I had a classic idea. I jumped in the water with a Monteith’s Pale Ale between my knockers.

“Oi bitches! Watch me try to open one of these on one of these fishy mad-cunt’s blowholes!”

 The slippery bastard tried to wriggle free, but like a hungry Japanese whaler, I managed to wedge it into the blowhole and almost open the bottle! After about an hour, you’ll never believe it but Krystel found the bloody opener! Maybe that’s what Alanis Morrisey was talking about in that song ‘ironic’. 

Some little shit was complaining that the dolphin was hurt. We respectfully told him to shut the fuck up and mind his own business. Anyway, I think your old mate Downzy soothed it more than anything, as it rolled on its back and floated away! Might have the newest member of the blobs tehehe. 

Hahahahahahaha, what a day!

The ‘H’ and ‘A’ buttons on my keyboard have almost rubbed off I’ve been laughing so hard. What a trip for the blobs!

Catch up tomorrow for Day 4 for more crazy adventures!!

Good luck to Colenso fans for the NZDMs tomorrow! 

TTYL 

Blobs Take Maui xx

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Day 2: Blobs take the Beach

To save money, we’d bought a $700 per night penthouse suite with only one bed. Our positions changed throughout the night, and mimicked various utensils; spoons, scissors, forks and magic bullets just to name a few- haha just kidding Mum if you’re reading this. We are soooo random.  

So waking up on my second morning was like every other day, with a hangover and the lingering smell and feeling of regret. To fix these unnecessary feelings, I necked a beer, sprayed some dry shampoo, rolled on some Impulse (Frangipani) reapplied my beret and walked down to the lobby. 

We all felt like shit. 

Fortunately, frangipani covers all scents (especially common sense huzzah), so we didn’t smell like it.  

“Nothing that a few rumbos and a bit of SPF 6 sunblock can’t fix”, I laughed and quickly updated all my various social media channels with this ripsnorter. Absolute zinger (please subscribe to this webpage if you think I should do it when I get back as a fulltime job tehehehehe). 

We made our way to the buffet, but the bar was closed. So we left. 

Brodie got an “I’m with stupid” shirt with an arrow on it, which meant that neither Krystel or I wanted to be on her left hand side. Because if we were there, we’d look stupid! Absolute winner of a shirt. 

I got a farting Mambo dog shirt and a puka shell necklace for $120 - who says fashion has to cost an arm and a leg? 

Anyway, we made it to some beach, that isn’t really pronouncable in Australian English (heaps of vowels and consonants strung together in an indecipherable mess - like, ‘aloha’? Seriously?! The only aloha I want is an alohohmora - brilliant Harry Potter reference for the fans), which is where we ran into the dog you can see in my viral Facebook post <see above>. 

Like the retard we saw yesterday, we fed him a few rumbos and now he’s being a wee sicko on the beach. 

Maybe that’s where the phrase ‘sick as a dog’ comes from. 

Lol, maybe one of us can do a post with that insight in it. 

Hopefully tonight someone touches our Frangipani-fannies! hahaha classic us. 

See you in Day 3 for more inspiring tales. 

TTYL

Blobs on Tour xx

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Day One: Blobs take to the Skies

So, Brodz, Krystel and I thought it would be so random if we were to blog about our #epic #blessed trip to Hawaii. And before I could be like, ‘shut up bitches’ I’d already bought a domain name and set up a blog for it.

Hahaha, that’s why everyone calls me the random, spontaneous, crazy one.

Anyway, day one:

We arrived on the plane and instantly ordered a round of gin and tonics, and got straight down to business: figuring out which Sex and The City Characters we were. We talked, shrieked with laughter and cackled for hours. Some arsehole kept on telling us to keep it down because his little kid with Maltible Skoloromosis or some shit couldn’t sleep. When the weedy kid’s dad left, we bought the skinny twerp a G+T, made him scull it and that sent him straight off.

The Dad looked stoked with us until the little drongo spewed all over his in-flight magazine. What a bozo.

We landed in Honolulu (more like Honey-lulu-lemon with us fitspo wearing honeys touching down - hehe Krystel made me say that one lolcano) and made our way to our hotel.

Hungover, and still laughing at how much I was soooo Samantha, we got into a taxi with a lovely Maori bloke. He claimed to be Hawaiian, but I told him that I’ve seen heaps of Maoris in Melbourne who just because you’ve been here for six months doesn’t mean you’re from here. He kept on saying he was Hawaiian, it got me Australian blood boiling so much I threw my $18 airport sandwich at the back of his head. 

He didn’t get the joke - sometimes we’re just too funny and down to earth!

We laughed, and walked the rest of the way to our 5 star hotel (although, the fucking idiots didn’t use spellcheck and spelt it H-O-S-T-E-L) Lol.

Catch up with us tomorrow to see our next set of whacky adventures!

TTYL

The Blobs on Tour xxx

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