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[blog32005epbstuff-blog]

90′s Emo post

This month has been the most difficult part of the year so far, for me. Tried getting a job, relationship is in shambles while juggling to be a good parent. Yesterday finally took the cake, I haven’t felt like this since I was 23. I had built up the worst frustration and anxiety so far in my pre-adult life. (I don’t consider to be a adult because apparently I still don’t know how to adult.). Just a quick summary of what brought me to where I am today. For the past two weeks, one bad thing happen right after another. Couldn’t find a god parent for my child (not because I don’t have good friends) but because they did not have the right credentials. And his baptism is literally this weekend. The house looks like a war zone, I felt I was so close to being tidy and clean.NOPE. My baby has the worst teething right now, and my brain is not quite functioning like it normally is because I sleep two to three hours a day. On top of that he has reached a growth spurt, and he rolls around like a rotisserie chicken till he gets comfortable at night and he can’t sleep until he listens to his song, (Persona, Beneath the Mask) -_- I have sat there, and I was like, I see why some parents would do some crazy shit to harm their kids. (trust me, I’ve said it, but then I know I’m a little b*tch, I wouldn’t do such a thing) I am not a monster. I applied to at least 15 jobs in total within these two weeks, I have never seen and heard so many rejections in my life. I felt hopless. And let’s just say nut-sack didn’t come home yesterday, he managed to have his fb chat on, didn’t reply to any of my msgs, phone call. I wanted to tell him his son drunk one 8 oz bottle and it has been 8 hrs since he ate and was becoming lethargic and I was possibly bringing him to the hospital. He finally msg me at 6pm. is he okay? Personally, I didn’t answer him at this point. I don’t care if your on probation, family comes first, I have left jobs because my family came first. To some people, they think it’s stupid. Let’s face the facts big corporations would not give two schlongs and beer if you died that day. You can always be replaced. Your just a warm body. I don’t know if he did a double yesterday or not. But I swear if this man comes at me, talking about (I don’t know why it concerns you if I come home or not and it’s not of my business is complete horseshit). I am a stay-at-home-mom, if you died I would need to figure out my living situation at this point. -_-  and a  I am sick of the finger pointing that your not happy and this that and the third and I am the reason for your actions. BULLSHIT. I know I am not where I want to be in life right now but I try to stay positive to keep my own sanity. I realized yesterday, I felt like absolute fucking shit, (besides the circumstances), I chose to be sad, just like you can chose to be happy. I had to listen to self-worth podcasts all day to remind me of purpose, passion, community. I am no saint, I am just an honest sinner, trying to be the best person I can be for myself. My walls were finally torn down, I had to release the pain, anxiety and madness through tears. Dreadful tears, my parents always made a point since I was a kid that crying wouldn’t get me anywhere in life, which is true, but i’m only human after all. Your allowed to feel. (if your reading this) Fuck the box people want to fit you in, don’t confined yourself like everyone else, that’s why most people aren’t happy and fulfilled, it’s because we try to live up to everyone around us expectations. Guess what, if you keeping trying to, you will always fail and be empty at the same time. I figured that out just yesterday. You have to make a list of what you do best, how it can help in your passion, how to meet new people with the same drive so you can create good positive vibes for you. How can you expect to go anywhere when all you have are these expectations in a negative environment, it’s basically like digging your own grave at this point.

 I have given up old dreams so that we could create new dreams and goals together. I have moved away from home so I could meet you half way like what you wanted. I had given you plenty of honest answers from the beginning when we first started talking. I told you I have been broken plenty of times, and I don’t want to date you if you don’t want commitment. But yet, you have fed me with your crap and some kind actions, I believed you. Before I met you, it had been almost two years since I dated anyone let alone, had sex with anyone. I honestly wanted to spend my whole life as a cat lady, I already had 4 cats at my parents house. >_> But something told me to get back into the dating scene. But I realized something, I don’t regret what had happen. I realized I was already strong then from the previous experiences before you came into the picture. But now I realized, I feel like metapod who just learned how to use harden. My skin has grown thicker, mouth can’t hide the honesty and my facial expressions as well. I am thankful for the people I have met so far. I feel like I was supposed to cross paths with them for a reason, I feel like I had a baby at this age for a reason. I feel like things happen for a reason, sounds cliche but when life gives you lemons, sometimes you just have to bite them. This morning I realized I need to let go of things that aren’t in my control. Sometimes life can throw the worst shit at you, probably because it’s preparing you for the best things to come. I forgot who I was. I am trying to fall inlove with myself foreal this time. I had a 80′s/90′s sing night with my baby today. I just realized, I forgot I loved listening to music, dancing and singing along. Anyone else who feels worthless like I did, look in the mirror in the morning (except if your a vampire) jk. But no seriously, compliment yourself, at least one good compliment, write it with lipstick or on a sticky note, you’d be surprise how it can change your mood, we are so focused on getting compliments from others that we forget self love, how do we expect to get compliments when we don’t love ourselves .And if your feeling for a challenge, write a list of gratitude. Things that you are grateful for, keep all the negative ideas away and actually be serious. Your mood will change in a heart beat, I promise. Remember, smile, don’t worry, you can do this.