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Graduation

3/11/2002

Today is my second last day of highschool, it is very exciting but I’m also nowhere near ready for finishing my portfolio.

These last few weeks have flown by like a second, they have been difficult and I’m struggling quite a lot.

Last week was Halloween, my favourite holiday, turns out the holidays hate me, we had a competition at my youth group, I was really excited and I had a really cool costume, I was 85% sure I was gonna win... I didn’t. That didn’t faze me, I lost to my abusive ex, who btw, hasn’t been to youth in months. I had a breakdown because once again he’s taken something from me. I was physically, emotionally and mentally abused by him, he cheated on me, basically used me for my kindness, I gave him everything and that still wasn’t enough.

Then, I was meant to see a band with my friend on the 31st, she cancelled and I’m not going to a pub on my own because I don’t want to get gang bashed, I was really upset about that because I was keen to see them.

Even more, the mate that I was seeing and getting quite close with messaged me and said that he’s gonna stop talking to me because he’s met someone that he really likes and told me so he didn’t have to explain further why he ghosted me. I know the girl, she has a kid and she’s replaced me on 3 separate occasions. I’m getting quite sick of liking and hating this girl. This one does hurt the most though because I really liked this dude, more then most. I do know to keep my distance though because if I get attached and this happens again, which it does, then I’ll never get out of my depression.

Just to add fuel to the fire, I messaged one of my support mates to hang out, he replied simply with, can’t tonight, I’m tired. Oh yh no that’s cool, just needed to vent before I become suicidal indefinitely but no, go ahead.

I cannot afford to be depressed this week, it is so important that I finish my portfolio so I can actually graduate.

I’m alone in this atm because I don’t want to bother others with this, everyone has better things to do and has important things to do then worry about someone who is struggling.

I was doing really well for a bit, of course that never lasts because now I’m like this again, I need help but I’m postponing my depression for next week.

I’ve got volleyball tomorrow, which I started up again and she’s possibly gonna be there, usually I’m really happy to see her and her kid but this week I have to stay away from her before I kill someone, I find it truly unfair how someone can be put into your life and then snatched away in seconds. fuck this.

This is why I’m never dating again, fuck relationships, oh and on that note, I was getting close with this dude, I told him right from the start this isn’t a dating thing, he agreed. Every time I spoke about hating relationships, he would get quite and sooky and sulk around the place, at first I had no idea why he was getting so upset, then I was told it was because I hated relationships. At this point I couldn’t care less, I hate weak men and he was acting like a child but no I’m in the wrong because I wouldn’t date someone because they liked me. I not gonna be put into a one sided relationship again. I was thinking for myself and my mental well being. 

Basically I’ve pushed everyone away so they care for me less and less. Looks like it’s working.

Deer x

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Dreadlocks

17/06/2020

Yooo, so there’s a salon in Brunswick and the chick there is cutting and dying hair for free, I’ve jumped on this opportunity and it’s perfect for me anyway, I was thinking of getting dreadlocks, I wanted to try the look just once.

I’ve bought the dreads last week and they should be arriving next week onwards, I’m super excited, the hairdresser is helping me strip my previous colour, I’m currently blonde with red ends, most of the red has come out, which is really good, the colour won’t stick or seep more into the hair.

My roots have to be white to match the dreads, it’s gonna be hard to get to the colour I need but I’ve got hope.

My hair was stripped yesterday so now I have to wait 2 weeks before she can work on my hair again, I’m disappointed that we have to wait so long because we don’t actually have to wait at all but whatever, I’m not a professional and I apparently know nothing about hair. I do know that I have extremely healthy hair even after 3 intense bleachings. It won’t snap because it’s strong.

As long as it does get done it doesn’t bother me, it’s fine.

Deer x

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Improvement

15/06/2020

Hey, so my life has been getting a lot better.

I met someone new, he is really nice but I’ve learnt my lesson and I’m not gonna jump straight in because I don’t need to. I’m not looking for a relationship so I don’t need to jump in to one, I’m working on myself so I have a healthy mental health and I’m more stable.

My anxiety has been really good, usually I can’t stay overnight at places or do long car drives but I went to Brunswick and stayed over at my mates last night and I was completely ok. I was thinking of going to Wellington Dam recently, there was no anxiety in me thinking about going which is huge! 

I was told by my therapist recently that if I think that I’m a shitty person, I’ll attract shitty people. I have had a deep look at myself and I realized that I have it quite good in the looks department. Me saying that about myself is a huge thing, I like some of my qualities! I like how I look, how I dress, how I function. 

Because of this I’ve now dropped a lot of toxic people, I’ve stopped holding useless grudges and I’ve dropped caring about what people think about me, if you don’t like how I am, you have every right to leave. I don’t need that negativity in my life. I’m in recovery.

On a lighter note, I’ve decided that I’m gonna try dreadlocks, I’ve bought them and I just have to wait now. I’m super excited, my mum not so much but all well.

My own business has been going really well, I’m made about $200 now, I’ve learnt to budget materials and spending money, putting essentials first. I’ve paid everyone back that I needed to, I’m not in debt at all. Life is good.

My business course has been going amazing, passed my first 2 units, I’m slowly catching up.

I think that’s all I have to say for now.

Stay safe, 

Deer x

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Been a while

26/05/2020

Yo, been a few months.

So.. This year has been hectic.

Last year August I broke up with my first ex, he has been bullying me and abusing me since December 2018, he had been pining after me for a year at my youth group, I finally started dating him on December 31st 2018, that lasted 8 months, turns out, he was really abusive, controlling and really bad in bed.

It's been 10 months since we've broken up and he has non stop been tormenting me since, it started right after we broke up, he was always saying that I was this and that and blaming me for all his problems, I treated the fucker like a king when I lived with him, I didn't have an income so I couldn't pay rent, to make up for that I did the laundry, the dishes, most of the cooking, I looked after the baby and ignored my general well being.

That was a terrible fucking idea because I never got anything in return.

At one point he got a girlfriend, she had a go at me saying that I'm a rebound with my new partner at the time, I never used him as a rebound, I was apparently the rebound in that equation, never knew that at the time.

They broke up after a month and he came straight back to me, turns out, I was the better of the two of us, didn't surprise me as I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He would try and talk to me and it just annoyed me, at first it didn't but then he kept going, he was trying to come across as annoying, it came off as he was desperate and that he missed me. Sad really.

This year, like I said before I am designing the leavers jackets, I have finally completed everything and we are finally ordering them and shipping them off, my ex isn't getting one, that's not because I'm a petty person, it's because he never put in the effort to actually organize himself one, everyone else managed to, I'm not gonna put in the effort for someone that won't reciprocate that effort. Never put his name on the list and I never will.

That leads to my second ex, I was in love with him from the start, I fell hard, I thought he did too, but, he only used me for a bit to make himself feel better, he only dated me because I kinda acted like his ex, when I didn't, his brain got confused, that was 10 suicide attempts later and 3 months wasted of my life.

And then there was 3.

Mitchell Down.

Usually I don't name people in these entries but for this cunt, I need to.

I met him 19 days before 2019 ended, it was magical, he helped me get out of my depressive stage from my previous ex, he was handsome, charismatic, he could drive, had a job, had a life, barely.

I had said to myself, he would only be a friend, that lasted 2 months, Valentine's Day 2020, he asked me out, we went to a lookout tower where we carved a lock and had fish and chips on the beach, we went to a park where we set off sparkler bombs. It was a really fun time, we were in an open relationship as I didn't care who he screwed as long as he came home to me and loved me.

I brought him to my youth group, he never hung around me the entire 5 hours we were there but I didn't mind, he was off and meeting new people and making new friends, biggest mistake ever, he then met Dakota, who latched herself onto him, I got angry over this because she was all over my man in front of me and that didn't sit well with me at all. A week into Mitchell and I dating, I found out he had been questioning if he really wanted to date me and strung me along for another 3 weeks, I found out that he had been cheating on me for the entire time we were dating, messaging Dakota everyday and saying that if he wasn't dating me, he would be dating her. I was never more wild in my 17 years of living. My blood boiled.

He broke up with me on St Patrick's Day.

I cooked him dinner that night.

Mistakes were made.

The whole time that we were dating he had said that if this other chick was still on our side of the country they would still be dating.

This should have been the first red flag.

Recently, me and a bunch of mates went down south the just have a change of scenery, Mitchell drove us. We walked along a jetty, it took 1 hour to walk to the end and back, I had to walk the entire hour on my own because Mitchell would have a go at my personality, I would make a comment back and he would have a bitch fit and walk off. I was blamed for walking away from him even though I literally couldn't walk anywhere because we were in front of the group because we were faster walkers. That pissed me off. I have now found out that he and Dakota are now dating, it's official.

He had 6 months of self recovery, I helped him in the final weeks and he runs off with her because I wasn't good enough for him.

She has a lock with his initials in her bio, bitch u ain't locking nothing down, the next pretty thing will come along and distract him and you will feel the anger and deceit that I do now.

I was telling this story to one of my friends at school today, my first ex walked into my room at school and said under his breath, well maybe if you weren't such a bitch. The fucking audacity thid asshole has.

Dakota is literally exactly like me, I have the piercings and the dyed hair, I'm into tattoos and Goth clothing and emo music.

Dakota is the same, she wears one basic outfit that doesn't even look good, with an old decreped beanie. She is an off brand version of me, she is literally a month younger then I am.

If Mitchell wanted to date someone that it literally exactly like them, then he should cut out the middle man and date me again, but whatever, I've dealt with that stupidity.

I'm not gonna go back to him if he does come crawling back because once you've read the book once you know the ending. It doesn't change and neither will he.

These events has caused me to have 15 months of abuse by 3 different guys.

But in admissed of these events. I've started a business, it's going well, had a hiccup today but I've sorted it.

I'm bettering myself and my mental health, it is really hard and it is really easy to just give up right now but I'm stronger then that. I have a lot more fight in me then most people might think.

Thank you for listening to me rant.

Deer x

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First day of Cert 4

13/02/2020

I've started my course, I do Business Cert lV

It's going well so far, our folders are massive and it's only for 1 term, I've already started personalising it

I've made a few friends but I'm the only one with different coloured hair and piercings, I've felt anxious a couple times but other then that I've been ok

I've made a few jokes with the "cool kids" and they laughed so that got me pretty happy that I'm slightly fitting in

I don't know how I'm gonna get home, I don't know if I'm walking or getting picked up or what, I'll message Cara after this entry

Lunch is almost over so I have to go and actually do work now

Deer x

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My dad sucks..

06/02/2020

Today was really boring, I did some school work and completed a lotus diagram, its a page full of boxes that we have to fill out. You put your interests in one of the boxes and then fill in different elements of that interest and we turn it into interest projects, it's quite fun

My sister and I had a fight, my throat still hurts and I felt quite sick, I haven't been eating properly and when I do eat it's something really small

I drink a lot of water but I'm scared that I'll develop anorexia or become malnurished, if I do become either of these my mum won't believe me at all and think I'm lying. She's already convinced that I'm lying about depression, says that I'm so scared about being basic and boring when in reality I just want to be basic and boring, I don't want to have depression anymore, I don't want to be anxious about every new experience, it sucks and she thinks that I'm doing all of this for attention

My father is a terrible person, he has given up on my sister and I, and honestly, it's heartbreaking

My sister keeps having breakdowns about it. I haven't put the effort into talking to him for a couple months now and I haven't had anything in return anyway, I called him on Australia Day because I had an anxiety attack in the morning, but of course, he didn't answer, that was the last straw for me, if he wants to see his kids then he makes the effort, I'm done

It's not fair that someone else's kid gets to spend everyday with my father and I don't even get a message, we haven't spoken to him since boxing day and I imagine we won't talk to him until November, my birthday, he only talks to us when something really important comes along, birthday and Christmas, that's it

It's really dissapointing when I thought I could trust someone and they let me down

Deer x

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Today was kinda shit

05/02/2020

On the way to school this morning mum and I had a massive fight, it was about my mental health

She knows nothing about what I'm going through and she claims she does, if she did care then I wouldn't feel so unsupported by her all the time

She needs to come into school and have a chat with Luke as to how to deal with having a daughter who has depression

On the way to my counselling session we had another fight about the same thing, it was really shit because I went to the front desk crying and I couldn't talk, breathing was quite hard

Lauren, my counsellor, has decided to have a chat with mum because she deems it necessary that mum understandd how to look after me

I got quite a lot of work done today, I completed all of the tasks we needed to do and still had to time to rewrite my ferret guide, I don't know why I'm so diligent in completing the guide but I've written it twice already, turns out, ferrets are kinda hard to look after

Walking to and from the shops was hell, it was 32°C outside and we all had jumpers on, that was smart

I've been looking into visual arts Tafe courses alongside my business course, I'm really excited to get into this year because I have a lot of things looking my way

Deer x

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First Day of Year 12

04/02/2020

So today is my first day of year 12 and it has been pretty productive, I've had the pleasure of designing our leavers jackets, I've been trying to get nicknames off everyone all day and I've gotten 10/24

I've been making a plan to get a ferret, I've been on facebook and have made a post, it's surprisingly really hard to get a ferret where I live, I have everything sorted I just need to buy everything and buy the ferret, WAFFS don't have any fur babies available and they've informed the page that they don't have any ferrets up for adoption and that they have a massive waiting list

Today was loud and boring but I was excited to get to school, this morning. I felt a bit crook in the car but when I got to school I was completely fine, seeing all my friends was good and I've made a couple new ones

Im currently waiting to get picked up and that's the end of my first day of being a year 12

Talk later

Deer x