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Warning: this blog contains “graphic” matter.

If you have been paying any attention to the news, you’re aware of the latest Hollywood scandal. Harvey Weinstein, possibly the biggest producer alive today, has been exposed by a multitude of women as a sexual predator. I’m writing about this because as I navigate Facebook and twitter, I keep coming across men—sorry, but they are always men—who insist on these women being liars. All of them. Now, I argue back and forth with these fools to no avail, and in doing so, it occurred to me as I was telling one off that I have been sexually harassed or assaulted more times, not only that I can count, but than I can remember. If this is true for me, it is true for millions of women like me. So I wanted to write something about all of us—to all of us. This is a problem that affects everyone. There are also some things I would like to clear up, so if you’ve found yourself sexually assaulted, this is for you. If you’ve found yourself not believing a victim, this is also for you. If you’ve found yourself in neither of these positions, you probably know someone who has, so pay attention.

I used to think rape was a very black and white thing. It was a stranger who beats, holds a gun or a knife to, and forces himself onto a woman, sometimes killing her. I don't know where I got this idea, but storylines of "Days of Our Lives" in the early 1990s rings a bell. Of course this is not true. Sometimes it happens like this, but according to the department of justice, only 12% of reported sexual assaults involve a weapon. The link to these statistics is provided below. Most rape and sexual assault victims, both female and male, know their attacker well. There are a few problems with this when it comes to reporting a crime that apparently some don’t think of. As a victim, I can speak from experience.

1. Very often this person is our significant other. It seems hard to fathom, on the surface, but if you are a skeptic, think about all of the dysfunctional, toxic relationships you’ve encountered in your own, or in friend’s lives. When I think back on it, boyfriends and “hook ups” have assaulted me more times than I can count. I remember one man when I was 20. I woke up and he was already pumping away. I told him to stop. “Let me finish.” He said. It gets more graphic than that, but I’ll stop there with that one. My boyfriend a few years ago got drunk and forced himself on me so violently, I ran to the bathroom crying afterwards. There is a general misconception that if you are dating someone, or have had sex with them before, it’s not rape. It totally is. And maybe the reason we don’t report it is a similar reason why we chose to stay with a person like that in the first place. Our bad relationship choices don’t negate the fact that it’s rape.

2. We’re scared we can’t prove it and we’re scared of that person. When I was 26, my neighbor raped me. At this point in my life, I considered this to be my first experience with “rape.” I was part of the population that didn’t think a boyfriend or girlfriend could commit that act. This man forced me on my stomach, shoved his hand down my throat, catching with it a large amount of my hair, and while I choked, he did what he wanted. He had also tried to poison one of my cats before that, so I definitely saw him as a threat. Rape is the hardest thing to prove in court if there are no injuries or witnesses, so being that this man was my next door neighbor, I chose not to report it. What would he have done to me if he hadn’t been arrested? What would he have done to me if he had, and then been released years later? I would have lived in fear for the rest of my life. I felt it better to move on. I have been accused of lying about this so many times. Why? Because if a woman doesn’t call the police, she’s clearly lying. Another misconception.

3. There’s no evidence. Online the other day, one man said women are walking evidence. As if our vaginas hold a file folder of documents or a USB drive of a video. He later clarified that “it’s called DNA, dumb ass!” Well, there is not always DNA evidence. It’s called condoms, and sexual predators know how to use them. Even if there were DNA evidence, how do you prove it wasn’t consensual? It’s not easy. Which brings me to the next point.

4. We’re accused of being “bitter.” It’s easy for a man to say it was consensual and the woman is just mad or crazy. In the case of Harvey Weinstein, I keep hearing that these victims probably just wanted a role in a film, slept with him, didn’t get it and then said they were assaulted. I’m not saying that never happens, but when it doesn’t, believe me, we expect that to be the defense.

These are just a few reasons in extreme situations. The truth is, it happens in lower forms too. I’ve had men kiss me and refuse to leave my car, making me feel trapped and panicked. I’ve had men touch me or spank me who were colleagues or friends, and I couldn’t bring myself to make a fuss to other people about it, as opposed to avoiding them in the future.

All of us have been violated in some way. It’s been normalized, because it IS normal. It’s wrong, but it’s frequent enough that it’s a normal practice. If you can relate to these things, you’re not alone. Know that. And with Weinstein, it looks like the tide is changing. If you can’t relate, try to remember to give victims the benefit of the doubt. We don’t owe you a copy of a police report. We don’t even owe you our story. If we offer it to you—listen.

https://www.nsopw.gov/en-US/Education/FactsStatistics?AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.businessinsider.com/list-of-women-who-have-accused-harvey-weinstein-of-sexual-harassment-or-assault-2017-10