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It’s Saturday night and tomorrow is Mother’s Day, my first as a mom. My family has been so thoughtful already. My brother sent me flowers, my parents came over today and my dad is coming back tomorrow. My mom is sleeping over. Cris has clearly cooked something up, I don’t know what. I just didn’t have such expectations. I’ve transitioned into a mom for sure, I didn’t think about receiving gifts or being fussed over at all, I only thought that I might get a good nap.

The occasion has me really thinking about how grateful I am. I love that little girl like nothing I’ve ever loved in my life. I love that she is so ecstatic about life. She loves to move her body and listen to new sounds and be around people. I overflow with pride watching her feed herself chickpeas and broccoli. I can’t stand the sound of her cry and I would only listen to the sound of her laugh and nothing else for the rest of my life. I always wanted her. She is more than a dream come true. Being a mom is a job that I take much more seriously than any of the other jobs I’ve had and it feels like a calling. Im so grateful that I get to share her with Cris and my family and Cris’s family and we get to all be obsessed with her together. It just makes any regular day feel like a special occasion. Getting her took years of sacrifice and a lot of pain and tears but it was so worth it. I feel truly happy right now.

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I’m going to be annoyed I said all this and like, you know, documented it, later when I’m not feeling so grateful, but I’m doing so because I am indeed having a moment of gratitude. I’ve been making a point to at least jot down something I’m grateful for when I think of it, as well as writing a daily gratitude list (that is not so daily for me). This helps my mental health. It allows me to keep in mind that I have a lot to be grateful for. It actually helps me to scan for more positive and let go of more negative. My natural inclination is to just focus and hold on so damn hard to the negative. And I know how bad it is for me, and when I’m at my worst it’s also really bad for people around me. So I digress. As much as being a mom is way harder than being a dad and I have way less freedom and all that, I have to give it to my husband for doing a lot of the hard things. Every night unless he has to work late he puts her to bed. The whole routine, bottle, bath, book, bed. This is getting easier the longer we’ve stayed consistent but it still gives me anxiety and while he does it I put on noise cancelling head phones and do the dishes. I love not having to do bedtime. He even rearranged some things at work to make sure he is home to do the routine most nights. Anything I don’t want to do with the baby because it stresses me out too much, I just ask him and does it, no problem. There’s this cliche about dads being clueless and moms needing to train them over and over again at every task and we are no exception. But he’s so willing and cares so much and always wants to make things easier for me. August loves her daddy so much, the way she smiles at him is too adorable and I know that it will never be any different because he’s so good to us.

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My God, am I in love with this baby. I was just feeding her baby oatmeal in her bouncer chair- I know doesn’t seem like a good choice but we don’t have a high chair in our apartment yet and we seriously don’t have room for one. She was just smiling and smiling. Then we were playing and singing, I don’t know what we were doing but her smile just kept getting bigger and bigger. Then I said I love you and signed it in sign language and she started laughing. Who knows what was funny about that but she doesn’t laugh all the time and getting her to laugh might be my favorite thing in the world.

She’s napping on my arm right now. I have to start nap training soon but the truth is I love just letting her nap in my lap while I scroll, or Christmas shop or write a blog entry. But I probably shouldn’t try to maintain that forever.

We mailed out her Christmas card today. It’s so good. I can’t wait for everyone to see her in her little Santa outfits.

Okay this is boring but it’s all I got right now.