blogthoughtsfordays-blog

[blogthoughtsfordays-blog]

28/12/2018

Reddit post – Why aren’t you happy?

“Because sometimes I forget that happiness isn't something you feel, so much as it is something that you remember. That's why it's important to get out and do uplifting things, so that your brain has something to chew on other than your anxieties.”

Actually a great quote. I didn’t have much on today but came across this comment on a reddit post and just had to write it down. Just a reminder that in many cases, things are much better in memory compared to real life. However, you need to experience it to have that memory. Also, another reason as to why other people are living better lives because you only see their memories, and not their realities. I have said it before and I’ll say it again: life is all about making memories or mems

[blogthoughtsfordays-blog]

Hi, can you believe it’s been 2 years since my last post? I watched a YouTube Video and I think I worked out how to edit my blog now. 

[blogthoughtsfordays-blog]

02/06/2019

Gonna post some old stuff here since I’ve worked out how to do this now. This was from 02/06/2019 

Back to reality, back to the grind of work every day. It’s 2:35AM at the moment on a Saturday night and if I’m being honest, I’m kind of hoping someone out there would read this. I think I’ve mastered the issue of being alone, but sometimes I still get lonely. I feel like I haven’t had a deep conversation with someone for a long time. You know one of those conversations that goes on indefinitely and both of you just want to keep talking. One of those kinds of things I guess. It’s hard because you can’t have those kinds of conversations with everyone. You have to really trust the person you’re talking to because they only work if you’re being 100% honest with each other.

I just had dinner with some high school friends tonight. Nothing interesting, they like to talk about investing, success, money every time I meet up with them. It’s okay but also stresses me out at times, don’t we have anything better to talk about? They said they were going to Bali with a couple of other friends, I didn’t cop an invite for reasons perfectly understandable. Surprisingly stung for a few seconds, but I think managed to cover myself by continuously talking and keeping the general conversation going. I wouldn’t have been able to go anyway, guess I just don’t like secrets or things hidden from me. I don’t think they were trying to hide anything, I don’t really talk to them all that often. They remind me of high school in many ways but at the same time, I always feel like I’ve grown past that version of myself. It’s hard to relate to them sometimes but the conversation is never silent, so it feels a bit weird almost. I don’t really know how to describe it.

Just came back from Europe almost a week ago. Possibly one of the best trips I’ve ever been on. I’m going to jot down a few highlights of the trip. Crazy how much you can forget in just a few weeks.

Having the morning by myself one day in London. Went to British history museum, St Pauls cathedral, and walked along the Thames river. This day felt good because I was in full control. I had money in my credit card, directions on my phone, and just had this feeling of being completely, utterly independent. Almost an illusion that I was set for life for this brief period. It was nice. 

 Having too much weed and mushrooms in Amsterdam. Honestly, just feels like Amsterdam is a pretty city with lots of canals everywhere. Laughing uncontrollably in our air bnb was something else though

Driving 200km/hr on the autobahn highway in Germany. Actually, one of the most terrifying things I’ve done. Felt like I was going to either swipe the car next to me or crash the whole time. 

Meeting an Argentinian girl in Barcelona and hooking up. Actually wasn’t as good as the story is made out to be. I met the girl at a bar one night whilst going out with friends we made at the hostel. She was actually a staff member of the hostel (volunteer) but had the day off so was out drinking. We got talking, she was very nice, and end up back in my hostel room. Had a bit of trouble with the sex part but was nice having some companion. My friend was on the bed next door and seemed like he had better luck with the sex part than me. 

Met an Australian girl in Prague one night. She was actually married and 30 years old. Didn’t really think anything would happen but well they did. Probably one of the most intense make out sessions I’ve ever had in a club. Felt good to be wanted. Not too sure why things fizzled out so fast once we left the club but felt wrong to push for anything more that night. Still one of my fondest memories of my clubbing experiences in life. Yes, I knew she was married, does that make me a bad person? 

Okay, I didn’t really want to put this one here but it’s a funny story. Went out in Madrid one night and was dancing after my customary tequila shots. Start talking to this girl who happens to also be a dentist (from Switzerland). She is really giving me the vibes that she is into me. I swear this flirting goes on for like at least half an hour. What could go wrong? She has a boyfriend. Um, that’s cool, probably would’ve been nice to know that at the beginning? She even said “maybe I can make an exception this time”, as if leading me on for half an hour wasn’t enough. To be honest though, still better getting led on than if nothing notable had happened that night. I’ve forgotten her name already, hope she’s killing it back in Switzerland. 

Lagos, Portugal is a waste of time, just a beach getaway for Europeans who just want to go out partying every night. Highly overrated.

Brussels, Belgium was a nice place, but I probably won’t visit again.

Okay, I think that’s all my memory is going to give me today. The rest of the experience and highlights were with my friends. I think they’ll just be a nostalgic in joke that comes up every now and then. It would take quite a bit to think of and write down every small memorable thing that happened. I feel like the above dot points are what kind of developed me a little bit more as a person. Not to say experiences with my friends didn’t, these are just things that I did sort of alone I guess.

Well this is me chugging along. I actually got quite stressed at work today and had a couple of days that I really questioned whether this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. The thing is, this job is just too good. What other job will earn me like $180,000+ in it’s second year of life, and it’s like pretty stable, I’m not going to get fired anytime soon. The only thing that could happen, and it’s a big possibility, is that I get sued by an unhappy patient. Let’s hope that I have my own house fully paid off, and minimal financial stress when that moment finally arrives.

Okay, time to sleep, if someone reads this someday, thank you. You have made my existence that little bit extra validated. If nobody else reads it, then um 30-year-old me better read it and learn something. 

[blogthoughtsfordays-blog]

02/02/2019

Hi,

Can you believe a month has gone by already? We’re into the new year and I can barely remember what I’ve done for the past month. I always wonder if this is something that could just continue for the next 5-10 years. I mean like, if I think back to 5 years ago, I was someone completely different. Go back to 1 year ago, and it’s like I haven’t changed one bit.

As you get older, it seems that you become like relatively stable and much the same person. You don’t develop as much as you used to. Like say you were 50 years old, I don’t think being 49 years old would’ve been that different. Surely not, but who knows, I’ll find out later. It’s pretty scary that you stay the same, as if this life is the be all and end all.

I wonder if I will hit a breaking point, and suddenly realise I need to change something. Whether it be like my brother and go on a random 3 month travel adventure, or just quit my job in search of something new/better. It’s hard to say, but for the foreseeable future, I think I’m stuck in this job. I mean this job is quite comfortable, and I could probably stay indefinitely. The thought of not having stability actually scares me so much. I’ve become accustom to a particular lifestyle.

I guess I don’t really have much to say today. It’s just one of those days I guess where nothing happens and nothing really seems to go your way. Like, I had a date lined up but she cancelled on me. I didn’t really think it would’ve worked out with this girl. However, for some reason, I wanted to prove to myself that I can get a normal date, and that for once, I am normal. It’s a small thing, but sometimes you just want to prove to yourself that you still have some form of dignity. Still better than not having done it before though, so I guess I got that going for me.

Everyone seems to be living in a perfectly normal life, filled with aspirations, or developing relationships, or financial journeys. Me? I feel like the same person just going through the motions, don’t really feel motivated to pursue any particular journey or adventure. At the same time, I don’t feel demotivated enough to spiral out of control. What do you even call this phase of your life? It’s like you’ve achieved so many things your teenager self set out, but its like done but not done? I don’t know, it feels weird to me anyway.

I miss having like a purpose. Whether it be studying, or competing with others. Even the feeling of doing something completely new would be exciting at the very least. It’s almost as if I’ve done everything already, and at the same time haven’t. What even. I was thinking the other day, I kind of wish I was born in china or HK. Not because the lifestyle is any good there, but because I’d know my extended family. Like just imagine Chinese new year there, you’d have like a group of like 20-30 people all of which are semi related. It’d feel so much like family, and home at the same time. If only I could just know what that feeling is. Like in reality, it’s probably a lot of pretending you’re successful and shit, but surely for a moment you’d have this surreal feeling that you are apart of this family, and you just belong here.

I had a small twinge of that feeling at my grandma’s funeral. There was like 10 of us at our uncles house. Safe to say, I hated every other minute of it because I don’t know how to talk to them and they treat us like kids. However, there were a few moments, where I thought to myself “this is nice”, wish I got to know my Aunty and Uncle more. Like I was at the funeral, and you know it was a sad vibe, but at the end of the day, I have maybe two memories of seeing my grandma talking and socializing like a normal person, so not really that much. Saw my dad cry though, that was pretty weird.

Anyway, don’t have much more to add. Be interesting to see if I’m still in the same spot in a years time.

[blogthoughtsfordays-blog]

31/12/2018 -01/01/2019

Its currently 12:26AM on the first day of 2019 but I guess technically it still feels like the night of the last day of 2018. New Years Eve has always been a kind of reflection day for me, and normally I’m a bit sadder. This year, I felt a little bit alone but not as bad as I thought I’d be, which is pretty good I suppose. I want to write about belonging though. I realized that I don’t really belong in a specific group or place. I mean, I’m pretty good at pretending but it’s been a while since I’ve really felt at home with where I am.

People often fall into a category that I do not recognise myself with. My university friends are okay, but in a big group they’re too white. Even in smaller groups, with the select few I find easy to talk to, they’re all more ‘settled’ than me. They are either great and not awkward, or they just seem to have life more sorted. I mean, in this day and age, there is less importance placed on trivial things such as career, relationships, family, values, and such, but there is still some importance. You can’t help but feel subpar if you compare the pair on these things in isolation.

My high school friends are well quite different. I used to fit in with them to the tee. However, there was a period where I truly felt like I outgrew them, and almost wanted to think that I was cooler than them. It’s hard to say really, whether I really did outgrow them, or they are just more comfortable in their own skin than I am. I probably wouldn’t go and travel or spend an excessive amount of time with them though, let’s put it that way. These thoughts happened way before I have beef with one particular high school friend. Regrets were definitely made.

Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing though, maybe it’s nice to be part of a few different groups, they say that different people bring out different parts of you. Perhaps I do belong to every single one of these groups, but just apart of me is present in each. Although, it does make you wonder what it would feel like to be part of something that is wholly made of you, something you just feel so at home with.

I know what you’re thinking when you’re reading this, this is just a cry out for a relationship, you’re just lonely/single and want to complain without actually complaining. Well, no, looking back I definitely did feel like I belonged when I was in a relationship (or thought I was at least), but that was a different time. Time moves on, and if I am the person I am today, then those relationships in the past would definitely have fizzled off by now. I mean, I can’t see myself having 3 hour phone calls daily with someone, let along text them continuously throughout the entire day, crazy right? There would’ve actually been so many problems.

Well, there you have it, I’ll probably lie at work when people ask me what I got up to for NYE, but you know, who cares. I hope 2019 brings something interesting to the table, and not in a bad way. I think I’m over bad interesting, I felt like I did a lot of that this year, and well, I can confidently say that I would prefer boredom and mundane over bad interesting. And, well if I’m back here in 2020 with nothing interesting to write in my diary, then maybe I’ll be more content with myself, now that would be quite the achievement.

[blogthoughtsfordays-blog]

25/06/17

First post on Tumblr so it’s a little scary. Hoping to add more diary entries to my blog!

It’s been a while since I have written something. Apart of it is because I have tried to but couldn’t really put any thoughts to writing. I feel like my life is in a kind of limbo at the moment. I guess I have had this feeling before. I don’t necessarily feel stuck as I did once before. I know I have future goals in my life. It is somewhat exciting to imagine the day I can finally look back and have all those goals met. At the same time though, there’s nothing I can actively do to achieve those goals any faster. I’m just in a grind at the moment and I’m okay with that aspect. My career is on track and I am semi confident one day it’ll be where I want it to be.

I’m having a bit of trouble letting go. I mean she’s already in a new relationship, she has not made any hints that she still has feelings for me, and I’m pretty sure she only talks to me because it’d be rude not to respond. To clarify, I think I’ve initiated conversation for the past one month or so. How sad does that make me? I can’t really blame her though. I’ve had equal opportunity to not initiate conversation as well.

I don’t know though, sometimes I’m super fine. I can convince myself that I’m super happy and things are going up. Other times, I just feel so pathetically lonely. Being isolated in a somewhat rural environment doesn’t help too much with that either. It’s mainly during the lonely times that I end up sending her a message. It’s not the best but I can’t seem to help it. I do it full knowing she has moved on and yet on I go.

I really want to do it. I really want to just having the mental willpower to go I am never talking to her again. And just cut it off like that. Maybe I can check up on her in a few years. That would be okay. Otherwise, I should just stop talking to her completely for the indefinite and foreseeable future.  I have it all planned out in my head. Give it a week or two, all logic goes out the window and I am back to square one.

A lot of people have advised me to delve myself into new things. Meeting new friends, trying new hobbies, doing anything to chew up the time. That’s all good in theory, if you were an extroverted social bee who loves to do nothing but party. For me, I am an indoors kind of person. Some people would call that boring, and in a way they are right. On a side note, don’t you reckon boring is such a pointless word? It is almost impossible to be boring because that word is nothing but subjective. How can you say someone is boring when you only have one view of what boring is? They could look back at you and call you the same thing. The best part about that? Nobody is right or wrong in their accusations.

Anyway, what was I saying? Yeah, people have been telling me to go out more. I tried that, I hung out with friends every weekend. I tried that extra bit to initiate meet ups or even just go out for a walk by myself. It’s great really. It’s great until you come home to a bit of down time. Or you have a day where you legitimately don’t have any significant activity to do. One day or another, you have to face those inside thoughts. You can’t drown them out forever. They find a way to come back and force you to go through something that you can no longer avoid.

The whole notion of finding someone new right after you have ended a relationship is baffling. I can see why people do it. Sometimes, it’s actually someone that is amazing. Most of the time, it’s because you don’t want to be alone. Or you have all this empty time that needs to filled by something or someone. I just wonder whether they still go through the emptiness and lonely feelings that you do if you don’t instantly fill that void with someone new. Also, if they do, then how does it make their new partner feel?

I sound like a teenage girl, everything I’ve talked about just now is pretty much about relationships. I can assure you I’m neither a teenager nor a girl for that matter. The time alone just makes you think. It makes you re-evaluate everything in your life. You come to a conclusion that you are not exactly where you wanted yourself to be this time in your life. You are occasionally excited about the new opportunities that my present themselves to you. At the same time, you are super worried that nothing new will ever come in your life again. What happens if you’re stuck in this philosophical void for eternity?

Anyway, I’ll try somewhat harder to erase her from my life. I know that I will never be able to erase the memories and I don’t want to either. I think I need to build up a life where I am not fazed by never seeing her again, don’t feel the need to talk to her, and am honestly happy with whatever direction her life takes. It will take time and I’ll probably go back on my word a few times.