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I'm getting too insecure

Yes, I admit it. I feel so insecure about everything. I feel so bad about it that everything else just fails because of how I see the world. I wanted to be more positive. Please lord help me happy with what I have. Help me to accept myself. Remind me to appreciate everything. I love you. 

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So help me God

I am impatient and afraid of the future. 

I'm *this* close to Summa, but I guess it's too far still. I don't want to be too hard on myself, I just don't like being compared. I'm afraid if most of us gets the same Magna, I'll lose it all. I'm afraid they will overpower me. I am selfish, I want to shine above the rest. I want to get it for myself. It is mean and not right, but how do I change myself, how do I push myself to the limit, how do I let go of the past, how can I not think of the future. I can't risk anymore, there's just too much to lose. I don't know what to do. I want to cry and be afraid. I don't want to stop working until I get what I want, I'm just afraid I was never meant to be the best of all the rest. I'm afraid I cannot accept the fact that I'm not meant to be alone to live the moment for myself. It's everything that I've been wanting. I heard this Sunday's gospel about not comparing myself to others, but I am one insecure kid, I am one desperate kid, and yes, I am envious that Jesus is so generous to to others. That God may not had blessed me the way He did with others. I'm afraid I might lose my sanity if I didn't get it all for myself, if I didn't get what I want. Help me God. I need peace. I need patience. I need more love. Let it be and let me offer it all to you. Help me to trust everything to you. :( 

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I'm feeling very tired. 

I don't know which to blame--the weather, the fact that finals week is almost done, etc. or maybe myself. I feel like what I'm doing these past few days is becoming more and more lifeless. I feel hopeless. Why? I'd like to ask myself as well. Dear God help me not to feel this way. Inspire to become better at what I'm doing. Love what I'm doing instead of getting stressed about it. Help me to let go of my worries and doubts. Help me to live life to the fullest and just letting go of the things that doesn't help me. Let me face tomorrow with strength and a lot of hope that I can do it. I have done my best and let me accept that there is nothing more that I can do but this. Let me accept the results of all my efforts with a whole heart. Please help me not to get disappointed, not to expect a lot from myself so that I wouldn't get hurt in the end. Help me do all things for you and with love. I offer everything that I am doing, that I have done, and will do to you. I know I can't do anything anymore. Tomorrow give me courage. Thank you dear God for this day. Sorry for wasting some of it on shallow and stupid worries. Thank you for your gift of life and love. :) 

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I've seen this post coming. This is the usual me who easily falls in love with someone as soon as they approach. So here it goes...

I know your message does not mean anything special nor should it bother me. You have a girl right now and I don't know why I can't seem to get it. Is this the consequence of never have been in love or loved? Everything is supposed to be clear--you were just trying to be friendly and wanted to greet me on my birthday, you just wanted to show me that you value the friendship that we have but never to tell me that you're into me. What was I thinking? You have nothing special for me and I shouldn't be stressing myself over it because it means nothing to you. I don't want to talk about how nice things would be if you're in love with me because that will just drive my mind to such weird and self-inflicting images of us. I want to ignore you and act as if your message never mattered to me. Although I know things would pass by, I hope it does soon because this thing stresses me out and makes me feel as if everything's coming true. I should be busy focusing myself to the dreams I'm looking forward to. Dreams and goals which I aim at getting the soonest possible. And love was never part of it, shouldn't be part of it. I know this is my possible weakness, hence, I should better be avoiding it. It would be best if I stay looking glorious and strong in front of every man instead of me falling for them. No, I can't fall for anyone even if they fall for me. I shall not have this feeling ever. Yes, re-focusing myself to the career and life goals I have promised to fulfill. 

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First off, I'm sorry to waste my time in wishing for things I don't have. I feel sad about not being in Japan, and I admit, I'm still in the stage of denial... I can't seem to accept the fact that others are there, and I'm not. This is sad and depressing. It was a thought which I never had for a whole day until it passed by. I longed for things that are close to impossible to have in an instant. I am ashamed for not appreciating the life I have for the day--the food, the family, the happiness, the love, the peace, the care, the security, and all other things I have to be thankful for. Now, I can't say I'm clearly over it. I can't be brave enough to see the reality that I'm not part of the picture which I'm dreaming to be part of. I'm still hoping, indeed. 

I'm growing more and more impatient... It's bothering me. I feel like wasting my time at present by thinking about the future, wishing to make time fly fast so that I could see what's in it for me. I know it's wrong to think this way because this state of mind is something that's wasting life. I don't want to waste my life. I don't want to keep on feeling bad for the things I can't and do not have. I wanted to be contented and happy for what I have and for others as well. 

"Someday, I'm going there..." that's what I tell myself. Is it a wish? Or is it a sour-gripping? Am I trying to calm myself down, pretending, faking I'm not affected at all and I'm happy for them? I really don't know. I honestly do not know. Dear God, you know what's best for me. You know what's going on in my head. You know how I'm feeling. Please help me. Help me to appreciate life and stop wishing for things I do not have. Help me to be content and happy for others. Life will never be fair--but please help me accept it humbly and delightfully. Tomorrow will bring challenges ahead of me. Help me to be genuinely happy inside and outside. Help me be contented naturally. Help me to appreciate life because I know it's something really beautiful. Help me overcome this jealousy I'm feeling. I don't want to fake, pretend, and hide from reality. I want to face it with whole heart and full smiles. Please please help me to be patient and kind enough to others. 

Sorry for appreciating late... Thank you for giving me this life, for allowing me to live another day. Thank you for the life you gave to my family today. thank you for the food we had, for the laughter, smiles, hugs, kisses, and "i love you"s we uttered. Thank you for Azu for taking my stress away. Thank you for allowing me to move around the mall and entertain myself with the clothes in the stores. Thank you for a peaceful day without arguments in the family. Thank you for helping me finish my tasks. Thank you for the money we still have. Thank you for the love and care I'm feeling. I love you for all these blessings that you have been giving me every day of my entire life. 

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Why do I have to see the bad things about people? Why can't I try to understand their situation? Why can't I seem to forgive those who have hurt me? Why do I feel like I have to be compensated for a lifetime? I have questions in my mind... I have doubts in my heart. I can't seem to see the clear and good intentions of others to me... Why can't I trust them?

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Dear God,

I am blessed for I have felt your presence today. I know that you are with me, guiding me, every day of my life. I've watched myself overpowered by anger and stress yesterday, but it's unbelievable how that changed in a day. I have witnessed how your power works in my mind and heart. How you've tried to remind me to be open to other people. I know I've made faults today, for acting above others, but know that I'm trying my best to overcome these. Sorry for my faults, faults that I've been asking for you to forgive again and again. Thank you for never failing to love me. I'm sorry if I've been asking too much, and thanking too little, worrying more, and appreciating less. Thank you for the people who have inspired me today. You are them, I know. You know how I've been feeling completely distressed, and you came in their figure to remind me how strong I am. You are my God, I have nothing to fear. 

Whom shall I fear? I am yours.

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Dear God, 

I fell like all the doors that I've been awaiting to open are closing in on me. I've heard your word last Sunday but I can't help but wonder what's in it for me in the next few days. I can't help but thinking about the chances I thought I'll be getting. I am impatient, God, but know that I'm trying not to be. Help me be patient. Help me remember that there is something you've planned for me--something greater that what I've planned for myself. I have so many hopes and dreams, but I don't know which would come true, or if any would come true. But in any case, please help me be understanding and patient enough to know that I am not the captain of my life but you. Help me accept the fact that I really cannot have everything that I want in an instant. Keep me sane and grounded, dear God. I am doubtful and worried today. I am scared of what tomorrow will bring me. I am impatient. 

I offer my life to you today--my worries, my mistakes, my achievements, my work, my love, my hopes and dreams, and everything that I am carrying. May it all give you honor and glory. Know that I have done all that I can. Please guide me and continuously bless me with your love. 

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I don't exactly know how I'm feeling, but I just hate you now. 

I hate the fact that you try to get involve in almost everything. Why do you have to explicitly tell everyone that you are present and breathing? You don't have to rub in my face that I am not going to Japan. Stop acting as if you always have to be in the spotlight!!! Stop answering if you're not being asked. Stop acting as if you know everything and know everyone. I hate how I'm hating on you right now because I know this is all out of jealousy and I just want to vent it off. I don't want to bombard you tomorrow with all the hatred I'm feeling for you. I know it's not what you deserve. It's my own fault--my insecurities killing me again. I am jealous of how you'll be getting something that I formerly have. I am angry about the fact that I'll be stuck in the same old thing--losing everything that I've been wanting. 

Breath in, breath out... I need to stop hating on you. I don't want to burst tomorrow because that's just too much. I don't want other to feel that I'm hating on you. 

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Fuck what?

I hate it when my dad tells me he can't provide the things I need just because he has to provide for my sister. He tells me how my step mother can't work. Seriously, what the fuck? We've been fucking apart for almost 8 fucking years without you providing me of what I needed. You were fucking irresponsible for those years, and now you're telling me you can't provide for me again? I'm almost done with college and that means I'm gonna fucking work and be independent. By that time, I expect you won't be providing me anything anymore. So what will I be getting from you after that? 

Don't expect me to understand. I was never one of those understanding children in the fucking world. 

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I'm so angry I just wanted to cry. 

I'm so pissed about so many things in my life these days. I feel so frustrated. I feel so disappointed. I wanted to feel better but I can't. I feel so stressed of wanting almost everything that I don't have right now. I feel so empty. I get hurt for such shallow things. I just wanted to run until I pass out. I wanted to be free. All these typhoons are making me sicker than ever. I hate everyone I see. I feel so sensitive, over-sensitive. I just wanted to let go of these grudges but I can't. I just wanted to cry all day because I'm feeling so sad. I am not content of life. 

I am so stressed about nothing. I feel bad about the smallest things. What's happening to me? I need help. I might explode. 

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KARMA IT IS

I feel so humbled, I guess.

It's funny and scary at the same time to know that karma does work. May it be karma as it is or God does things, but it sure does magic. I'm afraid this time it comes right back at me. All those moment when I feel "above everyone" gets back on me. Now I'm the one in their position, now I'm feeling the low. I hate to say it but I guess I've been so proud and mean to everyone around me. Things aren't going my way, things I previously had is now taken away from me, etc. Well I guess this should be a lesson to learn. I want my old life back. I wouldn't want to get stuck with karma hitting on me. I wish it to end... but I guess I just have to wait. 

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1. Travel the world

Being able to travel to a country made travelling addicting. And it doesn't suit me. 

I'm not YET financially blessed to splurge on airfare tickets and pocket money. I am yet to have the privilege to experience other culture. I loved how travelling felt. I loved immersing myself into someone else's culture. It's nice to know how a country works differently with mine. I would love to  learn their language. I am anticipating to taste their food. I love taking pictures. There's so much to love about travelling but sadly, it has to wait. This is the start of my inner desire blogging (if that even exist). I wanted to blog about my hopes and desires--things I wouldn't tell others. I just wanted to vent out on "something" perhaps "someone". I will work hard and earn tons of cash so that I can travel the world without worrying financially. I dream of taking my family with me, to experience what I have experienced with them. But right now, it is a dream YET to come true. Yes, I emphasize yet, because I am driven to transform this dream to reality. Just wait for it. 

I'll be patient. I'll work extra harder. I'll have stronger faith in God and in myself. 

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Tired

I am tired of understanding you. 

I wanted to believe that I have forgiven you, and with forgiving you comes forgetting the faults you made. But it's so hard to forgive and forget when you act as if you're not even sorry for what you did. You keep on proving to me how irresponsible you are. I know mom keeps on telling me not to focus on the flaws of others rather on his/her good points. It is very challenging. I pray that I may be able to better understand you and to be more patient. 

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A step back

It looks like I have to step backward. I thought I could plan how my life will go. I thought I could control everything given all the blessings I received last year. I thought things would be the same. It looks like karma came so fast... now I have to start from square one. I am still blessed, don't get me wrong. I still feel blessed no matter what. I just feel like God made me realize that I can't really plan my entire life because it's not my job to that. I was brought to life to live life with each and every day waking day uncertain. I am not meant to be a god of myself. Indeed, this is such a humbling experience. An experience where I can appreciate the simple things better. I must admit, I lost my grind thinking I am great. This is what I get for believing in myself too much. 

Now, I wanted to believe that I can still be happy even without my plans taking into place, even if things don't go as planned. Yes, I'll be happy each and every waking day. I will continuously be thankful for each and every simple gifts I will be receiving. I will continue to praise Him because I know this is all part of His great plan for me. I want to stay positive. I offer my life to you. Help me accept the fact that I can't get all that I want, that you have better plans for me. Help me learn my lesson from this experience you have given me. 

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We have a lot of differences. You annoy me, I just don't show it.

 You are loud about your unconventional opinion as if others would appreciate your uniqueness. You live up to the realist point of view that you think others would look up to you. You think you're strong enough that you don't need others' help and consent. You think you're handling yourself the right way that you don't need others to tell you what's a better option. You think you can live alone, but you know deep within you it's impossible. You are obviously lying and overly-prioritizing yourself at the expense of others. I hate to admit that you annoy me because I can see myself in you a few years ago. I hate you as much as others hated me when I was like that. You're a hard-hit karma to me. I can confront anyone except you. I've always been trying to understand you but I know my patience is wearing thin. 

You think life is all about getting what you want at the expense of everyone and everything else around you... I've been there, done that. Good luck then! 

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Self-reflection at last

I hate this feeling. 

I hate it when I feel like my world revolves around my grades and all things related to my academics. I wanted to prove to myself that I can be versatile, but I always end up on the same ground--all about academics. I am not a mere shadow of the numbers they label their students with. My intelligence and my entirety do not depend on them--this I wanted to believe. But I have been raised to think of the opposite. Now I don't know how to change it. I'm so afraid that I am nothing without those 4's or dean's list labels. I am insecure. I feel like I was made to believe that I am my grades and that I am nothing without them. I am afraid to admit that I have completely digested this idea. 

Something deep within me dreams to escape this kind of thinking--"I AM MORE THAN MY GRADES!" It's a dream that I can never share to anyone because I am afraid that they would look down on me. Yes, I am afraid to fail and admit that I have failed and may fail in the near future. What is happening to me? I just want to scream. 

I don't know if I'm losing my grip over my academics because I've been pretending to be someone I can never be, or am I falling back to my "academic-centered life" mantra? I don't know which one is worse or if one of it is actually better.