blonde-bottlerocket-blog

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

Teagan had been texting Cherish for the first time in what felt like forever. They were friends, best of, and she'd be there anytime the girl needed her. Right now she was just getting into the life that Teagan already knew. The spot light, the public eye, the place where there was no where to hide. It happened quickly for Teagan, she took off, blew up, and lost everyone it felt like. She didn't lose all of them in the sense that if she called they wouldn't pick up, but they weren't lead roles in her life anymore. She wasn't living a movie with a full cast, she was living a documentary on a lonely girl. When she pictured where she'd be when she was older this was never it. Sure when they were promised the world in the secrets of Rosemary, she envisioned all of them together hand in hand, friends forever. However that was a fantasy, her life was a fantasy. It wasn't what people saw. Sure she had fans, sure she could get almost anything she wanted, sure she was a sought after model, and while those things were things she truly treasured, there was so much more missing. She missed late nights curled up in bed gossiping with her best friend about boys. She missed trips to the beach, and late night bonfires. She missed the life she left behind too early. The saying was right, you always miss it once its gone. Laying in bed as she stared at the ceiling she was haunted by memories she wanted to erase. She'd seen once in a movie about erasing people from your mind. The ability to truly forget someone. She didn't remember how it ended, but she understood what would prompt someone to follow through. She'd do it if she could. She'd erase the pain and move on with her life. She wouldn't stalk his facebook and see his happy life. She wouldn't see that he'd gotten everything he ever wanted. She wouldn't care because she wouldn't know. She'd forget the letters she wrote, she'd forget the good times and bad. She'd forget pulling a Meredith Grey on him as she begged him to pick her, choose her, love her. He didn't though. They never did. Teagan was filled with years of heart break. Each time a little worse than the last. Her first love was fleeting, quick, but showed her what love could taste like. She found a playmate and memories that she honestly didn't hate. Her second loss was ripped from her time and time again for reasons beyond her control, but there was always someone there to pick her back up. He was there to pick her back up, to remind her she was beautiful and deserved better, but when it came time for them it was too late. He made his choice and it wasn't her. She knew she was the blame. Maybes and What ifs could convince her that she was the problem. She should of, would of, could of, but in the end it wasn't meant to be. A fact she continues to tell herself daily. There are days she could go on and not think about him, not think about them, not think about what they could have been, but then something happens. A song happens, a text from an old friend happens, an accidental peek into his world, and she was right back where she started. How do you tell your heart to stop loving someone? How do you tell it to stop aching, that it's never gonna happen, that holding on is harder than letting go? How do you convince yourself that this is all self inflicted and if you could stop focusing on one and looked up you could see the endless possibilities? You couldn't. It was why Teagan hated social media, she hated the easy access. She hated that she could see everything going on with him. Work never made her busy enough to forgot the longing in her heart, but it was time. It was time for her to let go. It was time for her to move forward. Cherish had, she'd stopped looking back and look what happened. She was now letting the world see how amazing she was. She'd be coming out behind her mask and revealing that behind it all she was worth taking a look at. Teagan envied her friend more than she'd ever admit. She envied her happiness. She envied that she was growing into this strong woman and while she was happy for Cherish, she wanted that feeling for herself. The blonde had pushed out of bed going to the bathroom and cleaning up her face. She covered the puffy under eyes with concealer, hiding the sadness with make up. She had one thing on her mind, one thing she knew would set her free. At least she hoped. There was a part of her holding out for him, a part of her she saved for him. She wasn't sure why she'd saved it, maybe if he'd come around he'd want it, or if he decided she was the one and he found out it was gone, he'd leave again. Her whole world was based around him and he didn't even know. She needed to end the cycle and break free of his hold he had on her. She didn't bother to put on much, a black slip dress and some heels as she headed down to the bar around the corner. Something good about the city that never slept, there was always a place to find a drink, and in every hole in the wall bar there was always a guy willing to give you want you needed. The bar was empty as she walked in, her heels clinking against the concrete as she entered. The music was play, but just barely as the bartender cleaned glasses behind the bar. She was already living on a liquid diet of Pinot Grigio and water, so when she ordered a shot from the bartender it drowned out that sober feeling almost instantly. Her target was quickly spotted as she moved down the bar towards him. He was in his late twenties, good looking, but unshaven. He looked like a kindred spirit trying to numb the pain. He was a stranger and someone she'd never see again, but that was the plan. She didn't want to see him again. This was a one night thing, this was cutting strings, this was Pinocchio being set free. Her hand ran up his arm as she approached, her eyes going to his features gauging his reaction. His blue eyes found her baby blues as he took a long drink from the bottle. It was all non verbal at this hour as she nodded towards the bathroom. The stranger looked at the door, back to Teagan, and back to the door before a sly smile crossed his lips and he nodded his head saying yes. " you're not a hooker are you?" He asked obviously thinking he couldn't afford her. " No... Stop talking." she stated bluntly as she shook her head almost irritated with his voice. A woman on a mission as she moved her hand to grip his and led him to the bathroom. Locking the door behind them she didn't feel nervous, she felt numb. Losing your virginity was supposed to be this magical thing, and she was throwing hers away. The man wasted no time as if he knew she was coming and was just waiting for her arrival. His lips moved in for hers, but she turned her head as they met her neck. Leaning up against the bathroom wall as his beard scratched against her skin, leaving irritations on her skin as he sucked at the sensitive flesh. She closed her eyes for a moment and the man disappeared and someone else took his place. He wasn't a stranger at all. His face was familiar, just like she'd remembered it. "Are you sure you wanna do this?" His comforting dark eyes relaxing her as she nodded to assure him it was what she wanted. It was all she'd been wanting for a moment he was hers. Her breath was labored as her mind played tricks on her, letting her believe it was him that had her dress pulled down, his mouth exploring her chest. Him who's hands were sliding over her body as it grazed her frame. She turned on by the thought as her mouth hung open and she felt his hand slip inside her panties making sure she was ready. "Are you sure, T?" He asked again as he came to her, his body holding her to the wall, losing herself in the imaginary feel of him, because the moment he pushed inside of her, she was shaken awake. Her eyes shot open as she took a second to realize where she was and it hit her. The stranger wasn't easy, but didn't know he needed to be as her leg hitched on his hip trying to find a comfortable position as she groaned, gritting her teeth. His movements were fast, quick, and hurt more than she was willing to admit. Every bit of the pain was a reminder of why she was doing this. Her hands gripped his shoulders as he moved in and out of her tight core, feel the small droplets of blood as it threatened to roll down her inner thigh. She kept her eyes fixated on the hair dryer, closing for a moment to get back to that place but she couldn't. It was gone. He couldn't see him anymore as a tear trickled down her cheek. Panting heavily as the man thrusted hard, grunting loudly before he pulled out releasing himself on her stomach. She was frozen in place as she kept her eyes on the hand dryer. The man hunched over by the sink as he collected himself and looked to her with a pleased grin. " Thanks, blondie." and exited the bathroom. She felt dirty and sick as she finally moved off the wall. Grabbing toilet paper she rubbed her skin until it was red getting his left overs off her body. What did she just do? What did she just do? The blonde moved to the mirror seeing her reflection, black mascara tears staining her cheeks. She cleaned up the best she could before exiting, making no eye contact as she left the bar and headed back to her apartment reliving the last few moments over and over in her head. She felt abandoned by her memories of him when she needed him the most, but that was the point. He wasn't there, he couldn't be there, and she needed to realize that it would never be. It was a fantasy life her heart held onto. As she got inside she showered until the hot water turned cold and still didn't feel anymore clean. She'd tainted herself and she could feel the black mark on her psyche forming from her decision. Laying on her bed she pulled her pillow to her chest as she hugged it tightly. As if on queue her tears began to flow, soft sobs followed as she stared at the floor and he popped in her head. " I hate you." she stated to his memory as she turned her head, buried her face in her pillow and cried herself to sleep.

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

" Come on, Blondie. You're down right?" Rick called out to Teagan. She watched him turn to get eyes on her as she took a long drink from the champagne flute in her hand finishing off her glass. This was never where she saw her life going. Drugs, sure she'd dabbled in weed, but this was hard core stuff. This was addicted ruin your life stuff, this was career suicide stuff, yet here she was again, this time in a more intimate gathering. Fewer people, more party favors, an exclusive guest list, and she was one of them.

This wasn't the first time Teagan had been in this position. It was months prior when the famous blonde had found herself at a celebrity hosted party, hanging out in the VIP when she was offered the nose sugar for the first time. Everyone in the room had taken their line and as it got to her, she glanced around the room at her peers, and decided to go against her better judgment. The experience had been something she could never explain. The way the high hit her was like a confidence boost. She felt like for the first time in a while like everything would be ok. Maybe it was her past couple relationships that didn't end on all good terms. Maybe it was the need to release the what if questions that lingered in the back of her mind. Maybe it was her mother missing every milestone in her life. Maybe it was everything all rolled into one that had her taking the fork in the road that lead to her placing a rolled up hundred to her nose and inhaling the white powder.

Tonight wasn't any different. She knew she wanted an escape. So much had happened lately that was pulling on her psyche and putting her in the position to want to run away from it all. Teagan had burned the letter she'd wrote, knowing it was better to keep it to herself than open up the old wounds. It was too late for that now. Delivering the confession would have only lead to heartache and pain for others, that just dealing with it herself was enough. She didn't want to burden anyone else with these feelings or that weight.

"Teagan, Bring that hot ass over here." Rick reached out of her arm leading her around the couch and to the seat next to him as he handed her the small straw. " C'mon Babe. I don't wanna party alone. Teagan placed the straw to her nose and lowered her head inhaling the line of powder. Sniffing hard she threw her head back feeling her eyes water slightly before pinching her nose as she shook off the instant head rush. "That's a good girl" He coached as his hand came to her leg massaging at her thigh.

This wasn't Teagan's normal crowd. In fact she'd been avoiding Rick ever since the first time she'd met him. He made her feel dirty in a bad way. He was a little skeevy, almost to the point where you felt like your guard had to always be up around him, but on a night like tonight where she needed to forget, he was the best person for the job. She wasn't thinking about the longing in her heart, she was erasing those memories for the night.

"Why does this always feel so good?" she hated that she liked the feeling of euphoria. She hated that she enjoyed the release of all the tension. She knew why people got addicted to the stuff, anyone who tried it could understand.

"One more, babe." he urged as he held the glass plate up to her. She looked into his dialated pupils and nodded with out hesitation as she took another hit. Her body relaxed as she sunk in against the couch and let the drugs take effect.

It had been hours of partying, drinking, and taking hits. Teagan was a different person tonight, no responsibilites, no worries, just fun. Crazy, wild, let your hair down fun. So much fun that she'd let Rick talk her into continuing the party back at her place. She knew he wanted to get her alone, and he knew she was just high enough to agree.

"Now the real party can start." Rick grinned as he eyed the model blond. Easing his arms around her, he trailed a series of kisses down her neck. Letting out a soft groan as his hands roamed her body, enjoying the taste of her skin. All the while Teagan's eyes were closed but she was imagining someone else entirely.

"Its hot in here. Is it hot in here?" she stated and asked all the same time as she pulled away from her house guest and moved to turn down the air. "I'm feeling claustrophic" she whinned as she reached behind her fighting the zipper on her designer dress, practically rippping it from her body as she made her way towards her closet in search of something less constricting.

Rick followed her like a puppy over to the closet door, resting against the frame as he watched Teagan undress intently. " Come on babe, don't put clothes back on, I prefer you this way." the devilish grin grew wide as he reached for the small shirt in her hand, giving it a tug as he pulled Teagan with it. Losing her grip on the material he managed to pull it away before she could cover up her bare chest giving him a look of mild annoyance.

"C'mon Rick." she whined not into the touchy feely nature that he was exuding. " Set us up another line ok." pulling any attention she could off of her and onto something else as she snatched her shirt back and slipped it on in haste.

Rick did as he was told, moving to her bed and sitting on the edge as set up another set of lines for them both. Quickly inhaling two for himself he set the glass behind him on the bed so that Teagan would have to go through him to get it. "Gotta earn it, babe." His hands snaked around her ass, holding the curve of her bubble butt, and pulling her between his legs as he leaned in firmly pressing his lips to hers. It wasn't a kiss of passion, but one of need. Teagan returned the kiss to earn her reward only to feel him pull away a few moments later.

The look on his face was that of instant worry as her blue eyes widened watching him fall to the floor as his body shook like a fish on dry land. "Rick.. Rick." She tried to lightly tap is face to get his attention as he seized on the ground. His nose started to bleed as he continued to seize, the intracerebral hemorrhage causing the blood to pour from his nostrils. Teagan was in a panic as the drugs were clouding her mind and all she wanted to do was sober up completely.

"Come on, Rick. You're gonna be ok, You're gonna be ok." She continued to chant as if she was trying to console herself. She hadn't even noticed that he'd stopped moving as she tried everything to soak up the blood as it was coming out.

Minutes that felt like hours had passed as she realized he wasn't waking up. With a trembling hand Teagan reached forward and placed her two fingers against his neck. There was no pulse, just a body, a pool of blood, and a terrified Teagan sitting in it.

"What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do?....." Her eyes were fixated on the scene before her as her heart pounded so loudly against her chest she could almost hear it. She was watching everything she had disappear right before her eyes. Her modeling contract, her sponsors, she was headed for jail she was sure of it. There was no coming back from this.

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

Arriving at JFk.

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

Vogue August featuring Me and Ry. It seems like a lifetime ago.

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

Lunch with Old friends.

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

Curiosity killed the Teags

Teagan was sad that the nights festivities were ended by curfew. It was the last week of school, finals were over, and the Chadwickians were still forced to abide by silly rules like curfew and bed check until their summer release date on the 22nd. Teagan was feeling the after affects of the alcohol as she snickered changing into her pajama shorts and tank top and left a tucked in Cherish and Malice to go brush her teeth before tucking her own self in. It was hard to believe that next year she'd be a senior. It was hard to believe that Lola, Ally, Aiden, Brandon, and all of their friends would be gone. It was something she knew was coming but still having a hard time wrapping her mind around as she finished up her nightly routine and headed back to the dorms where her eyes locked on a figure walking the grounds of the school heading towards Rosemary.

Her heart stopped as she peered out the window taking a moment as her body tried to remember how to breathe properly. She was caught off guard by what she saw, rather who she saw. It couldn't be and yet she knew it was. She knew that he'd found his way to Chadwick, but she didn't know why, however the pull inside her was forcing her actions as she pulled on her tan uggs and robe, quietly slipping from her dorm, stealthly leaving the school and following the path Ry had made. She didn't know how she was doing this. She didn't know how she was making her way to the one place that terrified her the most, and yet her feet continued to move like a force beyond her control and though she knew what it was, she wasn't going to acknowledge it in the moment. Rather she would continue to stay in denial about what was having her walk into the one place she swore she would never willingly go into again.

Teagan stood at the entrance as she contemplated what she was doing. The blonde stared at the inside of the tunnels and her heart raced as she chewed the inside of her cheek. She was following Ry, but was it Ry? How did she know her mind wasn't messing with her? How did she know it was really him, and if it was really him what was she going to say when she found him? There were so many thoughts rushing through her mind, but as easy as she'd crept out of the school she found herself taking that walk through the tunnels. Her foot steps echoed as she clutched the flashlight and let her mind keep her from panicing. "It was Ry. It was Ry." she whispered as she drifted off to the last time she'd read or seen anything about him. There were pictures of him with Payton, pictures that confirmed fears she'd had for years. It was then she knew she couldn't see it and blocked any and all media reguarding Ry from her searches. She was on child lock when it came to him because she knew that seeing him happy with anyone, but especially with her would tear her apart.

The truth was Teagan hadn't found it in her to get over Ry. She couldn't bring herself to move on, because there was a part of her that would always want to hold on. She had found something real in him and finding that feeling again seemed impossible to replace. It felt like she could do nothing to move on, even though he had. She tried. She tried to jump on the saddle and went home with a guy from the bar, but it went no where. Not even alcohol could make her forget him even for a night. She'd had accepted that he was the love of her life and she was just never going to get over letting him go. She had run over the thoughts so many times. What if she held on tighter? What if she chased him more? What if she just told his best friend to go f*** herself because he was hers? What if she begged him to just let her be his person? He, like her, held in so much. They shared that quality of hiding their scars living in the facade of what they thought people expected from them, but she never wanted him to wear a mask around her. She wanted to know him, inside and out. She wanted to be the one he could run to not matter how ugly he thought the problem was. She wanted to be his rock, she just didn't know how to make him believe that he was what she wanted. That despite their differences they worked.

Teagan's heart was racing as she reached the exit to the tunnels and the moonlight lit up her path. She saw the curve of the stairs with no railing and took them cautiously as she eased her way past the room where Ally had been taken, glad to here the voices coming from the other direction. The blonde shielded the light from her flashlight as she heard the distress calls in Ry's voice for Jamie. Her heart broke for him to hear him in such a way. She was concerned as she heard him speaking to another voice, not focusing on the girl, but on him. Standing in the shadows as she heard him start to sob, her bottom lip went between her teeth as her mind played tug of war. Her heart was pulling her to him, taking him in her arms, and telling him it was going to be ok. While her head was saying if he wanted to see you he would have, but as she stepped back during her mental tug battle to stay or to go, her foot knocked over an empty bottle and the sound felt like it was in stereo. The bottle knocked over and rolled along the concrete floor echoing off the walls as she froze in her step, closing her mouth with tightly pursed lips as she tried to come up with an explanation of why she'd come there, but nothing more than I followed you would register.

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

Good Girls Go Bad

It was just one of those nights where being single mocked her. A night where everyone seemed to be paired off, everyone but her. A string of relationships all ending in a form of heart break were her past, and it became a night of maybe its me. Maybe Teagan was the problem. Maybe she was too much of a goody goody. Maybe she needed to be ready for more than just what was comfortable. Maybe she was too pristine when it came to sexual advances. She'd had steady boyfriends and had gotten close, but never actually sealed the deal. Maybe it was her. Maybe she was delayed sexually, wanting something real before she gave up the one thing she had that was only hers. She didn't have a mother to talk to about her questions and she knew her if her father even heard of her thoughts he'd have her wrapped up in a chastity belt and home schooled. She was a little lost when it came to why everyone else seemed to make it work, and she was the one who constantly ended up alone. Needing to get away from Chadwick that had started to feel like Noah's Ark, she pulled on a form fitting dress she'd been gifted after a runway show she's walked in. She was smart enough to know the more mature dress, the easier it would be to persuade the bartender to help mend her duct taped heart. She knew she needed a change, but she didn't know what to change. Was it her romanticism of high school love, was it her outlook on how to view relationships, was it possibly her boxed up virginity she held tightly to that no one was allowed to touch? They were all questions plaguing her mind as she slid onto the bar stool letting out a sigh. Teagan had gained so much in so little time. She had a career as well as school, a juggling act she'd managed to keep up with despite her jam packed schedule. She was mature for her age, at least she liked to think so, but people forgot one thing. She was still a teenage girl. She was still craving that teeny bopper movie love where the guy shows his ass and then shows her his heart. She'd thought she had it before but knew that it wasn't as mutual as she'd believed. She always felt like the girl who had the guy who wanted someone else and it always seemed to happen that way. It'd happened more times that she cared to relive. Truth is she was just in a funk. The blonde was drowning her sorrows as the bartender kept them coming. She wanted to feel something, anything. A spark of something. A jolt to bring life back into her after feeling so crushed. "You make sad look beautiful, Lass" the Irish lad stated as he leaned against the bar, perched close to Teagan's self proclaimed bar stool. She turned her head towards him and pushed her hair out of her face. "I'm sure there is a girl some where who's heard that line before" She quipped with sarcasm as she brought the glass to her lips and took a drink from the whiskey chilling against the ice. The man who couldn't have been older than his early twenties motioned to the bartender for a drink from him and another for her. "Whoever he is, he isn't worth it" nodding as his thick Irish accent laced his words. Teagan looked up at him with a skeptical eye as he chuckled at her expression grabbing one of the glasses that was placed before them both. "Why would you assume it was a he?" She she smirked at the words as she knew the interpretation left the imagination to run wild. He returned her smirk with one of his own as he took a drink trying to feel her out. Clearing his throat as he wiped the beer foam from his upper lip. " Well in that case I wanna change my previous statement." His grin was plastered on his lips and the expression alone had Teagan's smile growing as she finished off her glass to accept the new one. "She's really not worth it. Bitch." a snicker on her lips as she clinked her glass with his and took a drink letting the turn around of her mood continue. Right now she was just a girl in a bar. He didn't know her, he didn't know of her. She could be whoever she wanted to be. She could be outgoing, she could be withdrawn. Right now she had the chance to be someone other than the girl who was always left. "Well to the bitch then" he cheers ed as his glass kissed hers and he took a drink. " Names Liam." He reached his hand out offering it to her. "Teagan" she replied with a smile as she reached her hand to accept his giving it a shake as they exchanged the quick introduction. The two continued to talk and Teagan continued to flirt. She felt the alcohol hide the Teagan everyone knew. The all-american princess. The homecoming queen. All the sides that screamed out typical. That's how she felt. She felt typical. She knew she needed a change. She needed to be the girl that was wanted and tonight was her chance to experience that first hand, to experience the girl who didn't worry about image. The girl who just ignore consequences and went with the flow of the guy who was claiming her current interests. "So is it really a she?" He asked the drunken blonde as the two were now closing down the bar sitting inches from each other wrapped up in the alcohol and the atmosphere of shots and beer that seemed to be on a constant repeat. Teagan's hand slid over his shoulder as she continued to play the girl with dark intentions and looser morals. "Why? Trying to figure out your chances of getting some?" she teased as she turned her head and took the last shot before the bartender worked on kicking everyone out. Liam held her hand leading the stumbling girl to the door. "What are the chance's I can get your number?" He asked as he held her hips letting his fingers caress her waist as they waited on a cab. Her blue eyes turned dark as her drunken smirk stretched into a smile keeping her eyes on him. " You can get it from me in the morning" her answer was confident and suggestive as she leaned forward and felt her lips press to his. Her walk on the darker side was pulling her in an the alcohol had dismissed any guards she'd normally of had up. He tasted like caramel and Jameson, her favorite flavors of the night and had her mind one tracked to how good it felt to feel wanted and how good it felt to not care what anyone thought. She was losing herself in his kisses as they poured into a cab and headed back to his place. Was it a mistake? Maybe. Did she care? Not really.

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

Teagan Trafficante plays “Fill In the Dots” for SI Swimsuit

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

I Shall Believe

Teagan lied when she said she had to re shoot a couple of scenes for the new Revlon commercial coming up. Being one of the faces of their brand came with a lot of responsibility, and also meant a lot of juggling. The school had allowed her to work around classes and work schedule, as long as her grades remained pristine. However, this trip wasn't what she'd said it was going to be. She told the school she had to re shoot so she'd be gone for the weekend, she told her father she had a photo shoot to explain the plane charge. She told her friends it was just work, but to herself she knew the truth. She knew she had booked herself to go see him. Seeing the news paper article about Ry was like a punch to the gut. It knocked the wind out of her. She felt stunned, numb, lost, stuck in a moment that she couldn't escape. She waited for the controller to press play so she could move again. Without even thinking she'd spread her lies and stories to get where she wanted to go. She needed to see him. If he was going to die, if he was going to be gone, she had to at least say good bye. 

None of this felt real to Teagan. None of this felt like it was happening. It was hazy, like being stuck in a dream state just waiting for yourself to wake up so all the hurt and turmoil would disappear, lost in the dark places of your mind. She wanted to wake up. She wanted this all to be something her mind conjured while she slept, but it wasn't. Teagan clutched the bear in her arms as she stared out the window of the plane. Her head rested against the hard plastic as she thought about the last time she'd seen him. Her mind faded out to the two of them in his bed. He'd bought his house in L.A. and they were enjoying the view. She always thought they would be able to get back to that place. That moment of pure happiness where they two of them had their lives together rather than separated by school or by work. A chance to have each other without the pull of life sending them in different directions.

Teagan dreamed about that time. What it would be like for the two of them. Living together? Living out their dreams and careers together? There were so many things left unsaid. Left undone. They had full lives ahead of them and to think that Ry's was ending so prematurely was a reality check she refused to cash. The blonde closed her eyes as the salty tear dropped, rolling down her cheek before tucking her head into the back of the plush bear and letting out silent sobs for the boy laying in the hospital bed, as she said silent prayers in her mind for him to hang on just a little bit longer. She needed to say good bye. 

The fifteen hour flight felt like an eternity. It felt like it was never going to end. She was filled with the fear that she'd land and it would be to late. She wouldn't make it in time. She'd be left with the sense of 'what if' for the rest of her life. What if she would have left earlier? What if she would have made to him? What if she'd just told him how she felt that day in bed? What if.. What if...

It was dark when she landed at LAX and she was thankful for the time. She wanted to get in to see Ry without risk of running into his family, his friends, or his girlfriend. Teagan wanted to be able to have a moment alone with him. A moment that was just theirs. A chance to.. she didn't even know, but she knew she needed this and maybe on some level he did too.

Teagan walked up to the nurses station clinging to the bear she'd brought for him. The one he gave her after her big night at the Fashion show.  " Can you tell me what room Riley Tesoro is in?" she asked the woman quietly. The woman looked to Teagan pausing as if she recognized her face but couldn't place where she'd met her before. 

" I'm sorry, visiting hours are over." she explained in her curt manner. Teagan just nodded and sighed before answering.

"I just wanted to say bye. I won't be long. Please." she stated as she looked to the woman pleading with her eyes that were still red and puffy from her tears. " Please." she begged quietly as she pulled out her phone to show her a picture of her and Ry. " I need to say bye." she felt her eyes sting with the feeling of her tears burning through her, closing as a solitary tear trickled down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. The woman looked at the picture then looked to Teagan before motioning with her head as she gave her the room number. 

"Don't be long" The nurse stated as Teagan shot her a relieved smile and exhaled.

 Teagan wasn't sure what she was going to walk to. She knew Ry would be silent, she pictured wires and machines, but as she stepped inside closing the door behind her she lost it to the scene in front of her. Her eyes were fixated on him as her hand cupped over her mouth and she leaned against the door. She could feel the tightness in her chest as she broke down completely, gripping the wall to keep her stable as her world felt like it was flipped upside down. Teagan couldn't catch her breath as every time she looked to Ry's body lying still on the hospital bed, it sucked the life out of her. There was a puddle of tears against her shirt as they streamed from her eyes and trickled down her cheeks, falling off her chin. This was a sight she knew would haunt her.

 Once she'd gotten herself under control and her breathing regulated she approached his bed. Her hand reached for his as she stood beside him, holding his hand in her own as she brushed his hair back with her fingers. Leaning in as she felt her bottom lip quiver, softly she placed a kiss against his temple before taking the seat beside him and cradling his hand with both of hers. It felt like hours as she sat there but it had only been minutes of watching him fighting for his life. Teagan's bottom lip felt raw from biting at it with her teeth, a nervous tick that was continuing even through the pain.

 " You can't go." she whispered softly as she kissed his knuckles and sniffed back her tears even as they continued to obstruct her vision. " You have so much left to do. You have to come back. You have so many people who aren't going to make it if you're not in this world. I won't make it if you're not in this world" Her cheeks were stained with her tears as she spoke truthfully. She knew they weren't together but it was too soon to not have him existing, to only have a headstone left behind. He was young, strong, talented. The world needed him. "There are so many things I wish I had said, I wish I had done. I wish I had fought harder for us. I wish I was honest with everything you made me feel. I wish you knew how important you were to me. I wish I could go back and never let you leave, or go back and choose to stay." She broke through her tears as her heart reacted to every word. She licked her lips as she laid her head against his arm looking up to him. " You're a fighter. You can come back. Please, baby. Please come back. " her jaw tightened as she tried to keep her emotions at bay. Her quivering breath shaking with every word. " I love you. Please come back. This isn't your time." she whispered as she stood softly pecking the corner of his lips before settling back into her chair as she continued hugging his hand. " I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't fight harder for you." Closing her eyes as she rested her head, silently crying out her mixture of emotions. " I thought our story was gonna be epic. One of those that people talk about and wish they had kinda epic, but I never saw it ending like this" she turned her head to kiss his knuckles once more. She didn't know how she was going to make herself leave. Ry held apart of her that she would never get back.

He had moved on, he had found a new life, a new love? She didn't know the depths of their story, but she knew for her he would always hold that one piece. He'd been through many things with her. He helped push her to were she was with her own career and supported her at every turn. It was like having a crutch that would always be there in case you stumbled. He was that for her and she wasn't ready to give it up. Even if they didn't talk every day, even if he had another life without her, for Teagan the lasting imprint was enough to give her that security.

She didn't want to leave. As she looked at the clock and back to him she shook her head. She knew she couldn't stay to long. The risk of running into anyone who didn't want her there was too great and only increased the longer she lingered in his room. Forcing herself up she set the bear on his night stand before she leaned over and kissed his forehead. " Your story isn't over. Come back." She whispered in his ear as she brushed her fingers against his cheek. " I love you, Ry." she took another deep breath as she kissed his hand one last time before placing it back against his bed. Her heart pounded with ache as she pulled away as she hung her head and tears began to pour. Every step she took away from him was like fighting quick sand. The pull to stay was strong, the pull to want to be there in case he woke up was a tug of war that was winning, but the images of who he had cut her free. He wasn't hers anymore. This wasn't her place anymore. No matter what her heart felt, Ry's didn't feel the same. She closed the door behind her leaning against the wooden panel. Her head resting as she closed her eyes and let her tears fall. This wasn't how she saw her story, this wasn't how it was supposed to end.

Teagan turned resting her hand flat against the door, a silent good bye from the heart mixed with a prayer for him to come back before she turned away and left, leaving the hospital with a thank you wave to the nurse and sending a request for a taxi. 

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

the emotional purge

It was all over the news and she couldn't avoid it. She didn't know how to even call and address it. She felt so disconnected from him which was a strange feeling considering he used to be the one who made her feel safe. So much had happened and for Teagan she was stuck inside a whirlpool circling the drain. There were days she was ok, days she accepted what she saw on social media. Days she only thought about him a few times. Then there were nights like tonight, nights where she buried her face into the chest of her teddy bear to muffle her cries. Her heart was broken and as much as she tried to deny the fact it was true. Seeing that he had moved on broke her. Every time she scrolled past him and her it broke her. He held that piece of her heart she couldn't get back. He held a part of her memory that choose to pop up when she finally felt like she had a stable ground.

Teagan had never been the girl to open up about her pain. Things that tore her apart laid at the bottom of the barrel until she was alone and able to break down fully. She hated being needy. She hated the feeling of having to fully rely on someone. She knew what people expected. They wanted the fun, bubbly, blonde who smiled and kept all her negative thoughts at bay, but alone, at night, in the dark she could embrace her emotional escape.

Staring at the updates on her phone from the news. They didn't seem to have much information, just little sneak peeks into the crime that was committed, but she didn't care about the crime, she cared about him. She needed him to be ok. Even if they weren't talking, even if they weren't even what some would consider friends anymore, she still cared. Her heart didn't just turn off because the communication was paused. She felt her stomach ache at the feeling up unknowing. He was somewhere alive? Dead? She wasn't sure, but she knew that the thought of him laying in a hospital and not being able to just see him, let him know that she was there if he needed her. Yes he had a girlfriend, yes he had moved on, but that didn't mean she had. It didn't mean she was fully ready to accept the truth that he was no longer hers.

Teagan knew he wouldn't answer, even as she grabbed her phone and hit his number. There was a good chance he'd never get it but as the tears soaked the plush animal cradling her head, she let her emotions get the better of her.

" Hey, it's me." she sniffled with a brief pause as she tried to get herself under control. " I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for how everything... Well for..I'm just sorry. I want you to know that I love you. I always have and always will. I just miss you, Ry. I do. I miss everything about you and us and what we were and what we could have been." swallowing as she tried to calm her labored breaths from fighting back the emotions that were flooding her face. " I know you have her and this isn't fair, but I love you.. I do I love you so much, and it hurts for me to see you with her because in my heart you're still mine..and... she was cut off by the machine. Hearing the recording giving her menu options she thought for a moment before hitting delete and rerecording. " Hey It's me I just wanted to tell you I hope you're ok. I know you have a lot of prayers headed your way.. I just wanted to send mine. Get well Rockstar." The recorded menu came up again and she chewed her lip as she listened to the options before pressing three to delete it all together.

As the phone hung up she dropped it to her chest listening to the crazy in her head. What was she thinking? He was gone. He was gone. It was over. She needed to let it go. She needed to stop wanting him because he wasn't coming back. Turning over she curled into her bear and let it out. She let out the tears and let out the pain. She let the built up feelings release like an open dam. Her heart ached through the emotional purge, but she needed it. Even if it would only last for tonight. Even if she knew it would

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

She lost her mind trying to understand how forever became a temporary term

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

"I couldn't imagine spending New Years with anyone else. Cherish Sabato you are my other half. Don't you forget it"

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

Score one for Whistler

Teagan gripped the champagne flute as the arm slipped over her shoulder handing it off in a race against the count down of the clock. It felt like slow motion as she eased her free arm around Luke, the clean cut college boy who'd captured her attention during the New Years trip, and even as she glanced over to see her best friend counting backwards with the crowd, she felt the drag of the seconds. "10....9....8....7..." Teagan shouted in unison with them, a bounce with each number as 2017 approached, the mere seconds disappearing as each number rang out, and the blonde felt everything sink in. The last 48 hours had been a whirl wind, but had been exactly what the blonde had needed to end the year and start the new on a good note.

2016 had been a roller coaster for Teagan. No, it had nothing to do with the crazy that was America at the moment. No, it had nothing to do with the world at all, it was personal. It was the rise and fall of feeling so high and so low, sometimes even at the same time. From an outside perspective someone would think her life was charmed. The young blonde had been blessed with so many things in the past year. Getting chosen to be the Revlon spokes model for their newly released collection, getting picked from millions of Youtube submissions and winning was everything to the young girl. It jump started a career she wasn't particularly ready for. Teagan was young, she was still in school, and yet she was living in a fantasy land, a dream that she feared she'd wake up and it would all be gone. She'd step out of the wardrobe and realize she wasn't in Narnia anymore and she was just her, Teagan Trafficante, a Florida native who was barely old enough to drive, and spent her school year in her English boarding school with those who were her home away from home, not the blonde bombshell who made her fashion debut on the Victoria Secret runway for the 2016 fashion show. She was no longer just a high school girl, she had a career, one that came with fans, a taste of fame, and a lack of privacy if you weren't careful.

The trip had been a present from her father, something spur of the moment he planned to get the moping blonde out of his house. Seeing your daughter and only child heart broken is never a sight a father wants to endure. She knew that was why he'd surprised her with the trip, wasting no time to send her and Cherish off to Whistler for some skiing and a chance to get away from everything that was bringing her down. He wanted his daughter happy and little did he know how right he was in his plans. The trip had brought life back to the young Trafficante. The spark inside her that was fading had been reignited and she felt hopeful for the incoming year.

--------Flashback: Saturday Afternoon December 31, 2016 ---------

When the girls arrived in Whistler their plan was simple. They wanted to ring in the new year with a relaxing ski vacation, no boys, no drama, just two best friends embracing the farewell of 2016 with an exciting anticipation for the new year. There were no plans beyond that. It was a go with the flow vacation with the sole purpose to say good bye to the baggage that was holding Teagan back. Teagan knew her best friend wanted that for her, she wanted her to be genuinely happy again. She wanted her to feel joy without guilt, to fully say good bye to the past and allow herself to move on and move forward without the constant peering over her shoulder to see if he would chase her, and the equally constant feeling of disappointment when he didn't. It was a merry-go-round and it was time to get off the ride.

Teagan's arm linked with Cherish as the girls headed to the lodge to be fitted for their ski's. The level of euphoria she'd just endured had her on a high like no other. She'd never been recognized before, let alone asked for autographs, but as one girl noticed her from her YouTube and another from the Victoria Secret show, before she knew it she was lost in a sea of people holding out anything they could for her to sign. It was exciting and crazy, the fact that she'd found herself with fans. She didn't feel worthy and yet as she saw her friend sipping her coffee waiting for her, she could see the look of pride from her and that meant more than the fans or the autographs. Knowing those she considered family supported her touched a piece of her heart that was left empty by the loss of her mother. She'd never get that look from her, but seeing it from her best friend had brought a genuine smile to her lips.

"That was crazy" she beamed to her best friend who nodded as they entered the lodge, pointing out that they didn't have to wait in line and the instructors were already waiting on the two to get fitted. Teagan coyly bit her lip at the perks from the little bit of fame.

The instructors were by definition cute, two college aged, clean cut, Canadian guys. They were built and strong, showing their obvious hours spent on the mountain by their stature. It didn't take them long to get fitted for their ski's and find themselves on the snow. Teagan had been a skier for many years, she wasn't knew to the slopes, but had no problem playing up the damsel card for the instructors, the guys who had since introduced themselves as Matt and Luke. " Where did they go?" Teagan asked rhetorically as she looked around for their escorts. They were told to meet them at the chair lift while they retrieved their ski gear, but had not been seen since the girls walked out onto the soft powder. Cherish shrugged and started heading for the lift with Teagan moving to follow, but as she took a step, her ski boot came unlatched leaving her ski a step behind. A frustrated groan left her lips as she dropped her ski poles and bent over to try and get her boot to lock in place when she heard Cherish call for her, but as she felt the blow, and her body hit the snow with a thud, and the pressure of the additional weight holding her to the ground, she was sure her friend was saying something along the lines of 'look out'

The blonde groaned as she felt the wind momentarily knocked out of her and a small throb from her head hitting the ground behind her. "oh my god."

" Are you ok?" Luke questioned, concerned even, as he laid against her, keeping her body pressed firmly into the snow. Her blue hues caught his and for a moment she let herself take notice of his features. Her eyes darted back and forth between his lost in his equally blue eyes. She didn't hear him ask a second time if she was ok, but it seemed as if her body knew the question and forced her head to nod.

" Head..body" She'd never been so instantly attracted to someone. Of course she'd been attracted to guys, she'd had boyfriends, she'd been in love before, but this was different. This was something that made her feel instantly giddy, though she was sure it was just from the impact, at least that was the lie she was telling herself. Trying not to be too much of a girl about it, she took a breath, double blinking to get out of the hypnotized state. " Yea.. Yea I'm ok, just can't really move." Teagan admitted, a flirtatious smile gracing her lips.

Luke ducked his head as he looked down the length of their bodies and back to her with a sheepish grin on his lip, though his expression read he understood why she couldn't move, he remained a moment longer before following up his smile with a chuckle. " My bad, let me help you" He stood and reached down for her hand, grasping it, and lifting her with ease. "Sorry about that.. though would it be bad to say I don't really hate that it happened?" His smile was ear to ear as his pearly whites beamed at her and as much as she tried to hold back her own smile at the flattery she couldn't.

She looked to Cherish as she got her barings taking note of the amused smirk on her friends lips after watching the exchange. Teagan made her way over to Cherish trying not to blush, doing anything to hide the crush like feelings that were trying to flood her face.

"Shut up.' she whispered cooly to Cherish resulting in an almost inaudible Mhmm from her best friend as the four made their way to the chair lift and the two girls took their seats together to recap the little incident while they had a moment away from the guys. " So I kind of think you should go for it" The brunette stated rather honestly.

Teagan pulled her eyes from the breathtaking view and looked to her friend. " Go for what? Luke? It's.. He's our instructor and we're here for two days. There isn't really a 'Go for it' kinda time." Explaining that nothing would come of it, but honestly not sure she was ready to even entertain the idea. Having just had the last straw, forever closing and locking the door on her ex even though the two had been over for months, she wasn't sure she was really ready.

"I'm not saying marry the guy, but it is ok to let yourself have fun, Teag." Reaching over and grabbing her friends hand to show her support for her well being. " But.. this is your chance to get your feet wet without having to fully dive back in." Shooting her a 'what could it hurt' expression. "Like you said. We're leaving in two days, so chances you'll ever see him again are slim, so why not?"

Teagan looked at her and knew her slight pushing was only out of love. Cherish out of any one knew that even broken up, Teagan was still holding onto those relationship strings, still hoping that maybe he would finally run after her instead of running away. "Whatever, you don't even know if he's interested." Brushing off the idea completely.

Cherish practically snorted as she adjusted her gloves, seeing the summit approaching. " He's interested. That's so obvious." The two girls looked over their shoulders to the guys behind them to see Luke give Teagan the 'nod'. Turning around with a cocky smirk at being right, the brunette nudged Teagan with her elbow.

"Maybe.." Teagan exhaled to shake off the nervous butterflies that took flight at mere thought of it. "Just.. lets ski." she pushed the feelings away as she slid off the chair letting her skis touch the snow. She didn't even remember what it was like to be free to focus on someone other than Ry, it was her feelings for him that held her back. Guilt that being with anyone would hurt him, hope that maybe they would find a way to work it out, and love because her heart still felt like his, but now that he had made it clear there would never be a them, she had to let it go. Hard or not, ready or not, it was time.

-----------------

The last few hours of the day had been spent on the slopes, multiple runs down various difficulites kept the small group entertained. The instructors leading them through exclusive trails and hidden spots on the mountain. It was an adventure that made for various snap chat posts and Instagram stills, showing off the time of their lives the two friends were having. This was one of those trips the two would talk about when recaping their lives together. About the time they were lost in Canada on their first solo trip when they were teens, embarking on adventure, and getting their first real taste of freedom.

As they group made their way back to the lodge, Cherish excused herself to go call and check in with her boyfriend, though she covered the boyfriend taboo word with snow in her pants. Teagan knew better, but appreciated the sensitivity. It was never fun being the one without a boyfriend, though the roles had been reversed before. She knew it also didn't hurt Cherish's get your feet wet plan to leave Teagan alone with Luke for even just a minute.

It wasn't until they were alone that she realized she'd spent all day with Luke, lost in laugher, and fun; lost in just being happy, but most important, she hadn't thought of Ry even once. It was a weird feeling once she let herself realize it. So many days she'd spent all day in bed at Chadwick thinking of him, what he was doing, what he was thinking, was it about her? Did he think about her? Did he wonder about her? Questions she let plauge her mind over and over and yet, here she was in a forgein country continuously finding herself lost in the crystal blue eyes of her ski instructor and she didn't think about him. What that meant she wasn't sure, but maybe Cherish had been right. Getting her feet wet might not be so bad.

-----------------

"So where is your friend? I hope I'm not pulling you away from her." Luke stated with concern for Cherish. It was afterall a girls trip and it was kind of cute that he cared enough to question pulling her away.

Teagan smiled over to him as they made their way to the large bonfire the resort put together for guests. She was hesitant to agree to hang out with him for the night, and Cherish was definitely an excuse, but since her brunette bestie practically kicked her from the room to 'face time' phone sex with Aiden, she was sure she probably didn't wanna be there for that anyway. " She's skyping with her boyfriend. So actually this is like a rescue mission." she chuckled as her boot lightly kicked at the snow as they approached the crackling fire.

Luke moved around placing a blanket over the heated bench for her to brace the wet of the melted snow for her. " And they say chivalry is dead." She teased as she took a seat and crossed her right leg over her left, keeping her hands tucked into her pockets for warmth. She wasn't sure about this, but she was going for it. Like easing into the pool, just one step at a time.

He took the seat next to her and glanced over to Teagan. She could feel his stare lingering and like a magnetic pull, it sucked her attention in forcing her to turn her head just as he spoke, a bit nervous in his delivery. "Your boyfriend doesn't want to skype?" He asked. The obvious implications of his statement hovering over the question.

Teagan's smile grew as she looked to the fire before turning her attention back to him. "Smooth.." nodding without futher explanation, but she knew they both understood the compliment. "No.. I don't have one" she chuckled lowering her eyes to the slow as she felt her cheeks blush. There was just something about him that forced the heat in her cheeks to rise.

"Good. I was hoping that was the answer. Didn't want you getting in trouble for spending all day with me." He nodded as his grin grew and she was sure she could hear the ping of his smile like he was staring in a toothpaste commerical.

"Spending all day with you? That's your job. I doubt if I had a boyfriend he could be upset about that." Teagan replied as her nerves seemed to slowly disappear as the conversation grew.

Luke looked at her almost guilty in his expression as he tousled his short hair and took a moment to confess. " Actually today is my day off, I just... when I saw you in the lobby, I was interested." Luke's eyes met hers and she could tell he was anticipating her to feel slightly stalked, but she hadn't. It was actually flattering to have someone spend their day off just to get to know you. Her pause in response seemed to trigger a slight panic as he spoke before she could reply. " I'm not a creep or anything, you're just... Wow.. and I dunno, just wanted to meet the girl with the beautiful smile. Cheezy I know. I'm trying to turn it off" he laughed making light of his words, but Teagan couldn't. She wasn't used to this and it felt really good to be chased. It felt good to feel like someone was interested, and like she was worth the pursuit.

With her cheeks now burned a bright red and the smile plastered on her lips she found it hard to speak, pulling her hand from her pockets as she looked at him, shook her head as she wreathed in smiles. " That's very sweet and ... refreshing... your creepy side" she added with a playful sarcasm trailing her words. "Really though, It's nice. It's been a while for me..."

He almost scoffed as if he didn't believe her words. " A while? I don't know if I believe that. You're..." he paused as he tried to find a word. "I'm really not trying to boost your ego or anything, but you really are beautiful"

"It's kind of a long story." Teagan nodded with an uneasy smile.

" I don't mind hearing it if you don't mind sharing." Luke offered.

The conversation between the two flowed so easily, but she knew she was making a serious faux pas as she spoke of her recent break up from Ry. The recent ending of what she thought would be forever. As she told him of the guy she left behind she felt the sting in her heart. Maybe she wasn't ready to let him go yet. She could tell herself all day she was, but in the quiet moments when her mind was allowed to wander, she thought about him. What was he doing? Where was he? Was he ok? Was he thinking about her? All questions that would continue to go unanswered. Teagan and Luke continued their talk, getting to know more about each other as the sun went down and that darkness began to fully surround them. She had to admit, it was nice to have someone so interested in her. Even if it wasn't anything, even if it was just to pick up her spirits, maybe Cherish was right. It was ok to let herself have fun.

--------End of Flashback---------

" 6....5....4...3...." The count down continued to drag as Teagan looked to Cherish with a wide grin on her pink lips. She could feel the excitement of the New Year building for that moment of release. She could feel the thick air of anticipation hug her tightly, clinging as she looked at Luke and it was in those final seconds as 2016 approached that she felt more nervous than she had in as long as she could remember. The look in his eye, the way it all was headed. She grippped her champagne flute as the last numbers were called. There was a deafening silence that hushed over the buzz she was feeling from the pre-drinks they'd had.

"HAPPY NEW YEARS" the crowd erupted in cheers as Teagan turned to delay the moment and hugged Cherish, kissing her best friend on the cheek. Her stomach knotted as she felt the tug of her hand. Luke's arm snaked around her resting against the small of her back as he stared at her as if asking for permission and as if on cue she gave it. He leaned in and so did she. Their lips touched. It wasn't anything special. It wasn't passionate or filled with tongue. It was just that. A simple, sweet, happy new years kiss, but in that kiss she learned so much. She learned that she would be ok. That there could be a life after Riley and that she could maybe move forward when she was ready. She pulled back and looked at Cherish with wide eyes as they exchanged a moment of best friend nonverbal communication before downing the champagne in their flutes and taking pictures to send to their friends.

The trip had done it's job. At least she thought it did. The recent break up was heavy on her heart, and while she learned she wasn't fully ready to move on yet. She also learned there was more out there for her to see. When she'd be ready to let go she wasn't sure. Maybe right now she just needed to focus on her and the person she knew who'd always be there. Cherish.

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

Little Bear

Teagan didn't know if she wanted to watch the movies her father had left her. Part of her was jumping at the chance with the other was hesitant, scared even. She didn't know if she could fully handle seeing her. She had her memories, but they were just that. Memories, some she was certain were hers, while others she found it hard to differentiate between what she actually remembered or what she was told. Other peoples memories that were placed in her head as her mind made it's own version of that home movie The blonde stared at the DVD's marked with her mothers name and could already feel the tears ready to fall. Her mother was such a soft spot for the usually optimistic blonde. She was, optimistic, and bouncy, bubbly, friendly. She was caring and sweet and naive in so many ways, but her father had raised her to be anything but weak. Though she was a girl he had her in boxing something to learn discipline and take care of herself should she ever get into trouble. Though, ever needing to actually use it on a person felt like just a warning parents give their children, understanding the true danger due to her family connections was something she might not ever understand. .

Teagan grabbed the DVD compilation of videos of her mother and took them to her room, hesitantly placing it into the player as her hands even started to shake from nerves. These were her vulnerable moments. The side she didn't share with anyone. This was just for her. Her mother and her memories was for her. She climbed on the bed as she clutched the very first bear she'd ever owned. It was tattered and warn out from nights of cuddling him, and holding him. Days of play time tea parties where she dragged the bear every where. There first bear to start the addiction, though she knew she'd always had a love for bears she never understood where it came from. It was a habit that she'd had instilled in her through out her life. Like breathing. Maybe there was more to it, but the young blonde never remembered where it really started, however she knew her mother had bought the first one before she was even born, the same brown bear tucked against her chest as she hit play on the remote.

A soft smile crossed her lips as she watched her father on the screen. It was just him for a moment, but as she continued to watch she saw her mother enter the shot and her heart stopped for a moment. Her breath was taken away, and she fought the need to close her eyes to allow her tears to fall, not wanting to miss a moment. When her eye sight became too blurry for her to see, she blinked sucking in a quivering breath as her cheeks flooded with the down pour of tears as she watched the woman on the screen interact with her father. She was beautiful. Long blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and a presence you couldn't peel your eyes from. She watched as her parents interacted, this was obviously before Teagan's time, but she continued to commit to memory. How she spoke, how she sounded, how she carried herself. She was a woman, classy. By the way her father looked at her, she could tell he loved her. He couldn't peel his eyes off of her even in what looked like an argument between the two, he was still so captivated. .

As her eyes danced across the screen as one video played into the next she felt her missing her mother more and more. She watched as the videos came into her. Where she was present in them. Her mother was obviously filming as her father painted the nursery a pastel shade of yellow. " pink is so obvious for a girl. yellow is bright and happy." she heard her mother say from behind the camera as her father asked why yellow instead of pink. There was no drying her eyes as they continued to burn from the tears. Her cheeks had rivers of tears flowing as they dropped to her hand signaling for her to brush the back of her hands against them to wipe them clean, but it was useless. The tears that were gone were quickly replaced as she sniffed back trying to slow them, all tear tactics failing. "bears are my favorite" She heard her mother say as she held up the bear that was in Teagan's arms. Though the bear on the screen was new, unused, and had a yellow bow around its neck, a bow that Teagan never remembered it having as she gave the bear a tighter squeeze as if her mother could feel her love the stuffed toy. She watched as she placed the bear in the crib before running her hand over her very pregnant belly. "but she's gonna be my new favorite, my little bear." Her mother's soft chuckle as she looked to her father on the screen and the two kisses.

Her tears flowed harder. Watching these movies was like ripping open wounds she'd sealed with duct tape. It was tearing and peeling off layers she'd made to keep herself together. To allow herself to accept the tragedy that was her mothers death. Teagan took a deep breath to steady herself as she continued to watch them bring her home from the hospital. Her mother cradling her in her arms as the new baby slept peacefully. The couple entered the nursery as she rocked baby Teagan before her lips placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "i love you, my little bear. mommy and daddy love you" she whispered, so soft, so sweet that it knocked the wind out of Teagan. Her hands came to her face as she broke, pulling her legs up to her chest as she cried into her hands. Her feelings of missing and heart break echoing around her bedroom as her hands acted as a speaker. She missed her mother, she missed her more than she could ever explain. It was the one thing she'd never be able to have, never be able to replace. Ten years ago and it felt like the older she got, the more it hurt. The more she thought about all the things her mother would miss out on in her life, it hurt. Teagan would always have that hole inside of her, it was permanent. .

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

"This was the chance of a lifetime. Being chosen to walk the runway. I was so nervous, but thankfully I had some pretty amazing support in the audience."

[blonde-bottlerocket-blog]

Getting her Wings

Teagan was on the brink of something new. Her life was changing, growing, faster than she could imagine. To her she was still that sixteen going on seventeen soon girl making YouTube videos about make up and fashion tutorials in her dorm room. She was just Teagan, she wasn't anything special. She was a girl from somewhere who found a passion that she didn't allow to hold her back. Did she ever think she'd be a one in million? Absolutely not. This was a dream. People spend their lives chasing dreams they may never catch and hers was happening before her eyes. Being chosen out of the world wide search for the new 'Revlon' girl was one thing, but this was indescribable. This was the world series, super bowl, and Disney world all rolled into one. This was the happiest moment in her life, and as she sat in the dressing room, having her hair tugged, and curled, feeling the brush of the make up applied to her features, she felt the rush of emotion take it. " Excuse me, I need a minute" she stated getting up from her chair as she pulled the signature pink robe up around her and made her way to the back stage exit to get some air. She felt claustrophobic in there. She felt the heavy weight on her chest as she tried to catch her breath. She knew what it was. It was always the same thing that caught her off guard, that pulled her head out of what she experiencing and transported her to the past. Teagan looked out at the beautiful Paris view, watching as the lights danced in the sky, twinkling and hypnotizing, and without warning she felt the cold wet tear trickle down her cheek. With a quick motion of her hand she wiped it clear, but as her arms came around to hug herself, it was instantly replaced with another. The happiest day of her life and she needed a moment. A moment to miss her mother. Losing your mother was something most people experience when they're older, when their mothers themselves, but Teagan didn't get that luxury of time. She didn't get to have her mother send her prom dresses that she picked out, or have her mother there supporting her with a big smile as she walked the runway in Paris. Her mother wouldn't be there to help her on her wedding day, or talk her through the moments before she became a mother her self. It was all moments in time that people took for granted that Teagan would never get to experience. She loved her father, adored him, but there were something only a mother could do. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and said a silent prayer to the woman who couldn't be there. " I love you, Mommy" Teagan whispered softly as if it was a secret just for the two of them.