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this morning right when I started thinking about you, you texted me. Or replied. Lol it put a smile my face. There are days where I don't think I can do this. And then there's days like today. Where I remember your smile and why am doing this. I am putting all my feelings aside to make you happy. So that you could have some time to be free and to feel not pressured. You might not know that I still love you but just the thought of you being happy puts me in a better place.
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We went to a concert together. I had so much fun being there with you it was like old times. To be honest it got me confused because at one point I thought we were still in love. And that I could come up to you and kiss you. There was a moment where I looked through the crowd and I saw you you had a giant smile on your face. Your smile lit up the room more than you could ever know. That's when I really truly knew that I still was in love with you. Your everything just makes my day better. Days like today where I have nostalgic feelings makes me miss the days I would spend with you just relaxing.
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I don’t know what’s going to happen and I’m ok with that. I still love you and I’m putting that aside to be your friend. Because I know right now that’s what you need. Last time I messed up. The time before that I messed up. I guess you could say third times a charm. I promise to always be there for you and to always support you. Even when it hurts the most for me I know I have to do it for you. You might not know this but I still love you. I haven't stopped loving you since the night that I told you.
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Fuck this. You're all I can think about today since it's Valentine's Day. Wonder if you even think about me sometimes. I went on a long drive last night which reminded me of the ones we used to go on. It made me sad because I still miss you. Even though I don't admit anymore I really do miss you. People keep pushing me to MoveOn how do I move on from someone in my mind who is perfect for me. I don't know what to do. Fuck, it's Valentine's Day.
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I miss you. The dream came back last night. I woke up and couldn't fall sleep. It hurts every time I have it. And a couple nights ago I saw you at a concert. My heart skipped a beat because the sight of you caught me by surprise. I was upstairs you were downstairs. The flood lights have come on for the band and it's like everything went silent and all that was there was you. Made me miss you even more. Made me miss the late night concerts, The long drives at night and getting breakfast after every concert. I'd do anything to have you back in my life. I miss you.
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Its almost been a month......
Its almost been a month. I have these moments where i feel nothing but then these other moments where i just feel like going away from society. Running away from the fact that i’ve lost you. You will always have a part of me. Whether i want to admit or not. I tell everyone this lie of “Yeah i am getting better and that i am fine” But in reality i am not ok. Inside i am hurting worse then everyone knows.. Because the thought of you is killing me and you don’t even know.. You have hurt me and broke me. And you don’t even know. Everyday i think about you. I might not want too but i do. I think about what you might be doing right now, or where you are at, or how you are doing or if you miss me.. I miss you but do you miss me? Most likely not... I see your posts on social media and it hurts because while you are ok I am broken and falling apart with out you even knowing.. Its almost been a month and it feels like it all happened just last night.
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The memories that once brought me joy and happiness now bring me sadness, soreness and pain... I don't want to face reality... I don't... I struggle everyday..
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Everyday i struggle to get out of bed. Everyday i struggle to find my place in my life. You were everything to me. I never said no and i always gave you what you wanted. I never did anything wrong. And when you look back all you can see are the negatives? Are you fucking serious? Like really? When i look back I see our trips to Seattle, our trips to the coast, the late night drives, the breakfast meals after concerts, the walks with the dogs and the phone calls every night. I have this dream. Where I wake up and your in my arms... But then when i really wake up there is nothing. Then reality sets and your no longer around. You don’t text me. You don’t call me at night like old times. Falling asleep every night is still a struggle. I struggle wanting to call you just to hear your voice again... You are living your life the way you want to live it. Probably not thinking about me. You listened to other people and not your own heart. Because you said you loved me. You don’t let someone just go that you love. You broke my heart. I struggle everyday because of you. In your life you might be fine but in my life I am struggling.
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It's my birthday. And yet all I can do is think about you. You Used to call me right at the dot at 12 AM to wish me happy birthday. Now we don't even fucking talk. Every day it feels like it's worse. The dream keep still happening where I think I'm with you and then when I wake up I realize I'm still alone. And that we don't talk. What did I ever do? I thought I did everything right. What did I ever do to deserve any of this? I cry pretty much every day because I'm just so fucking hurt. Every day I think about you. Every day I just want to text you and tell you that I miss you. But What's the point when It would do nothing? How can you just stop loving someone? I'm so lost and hurt.. I don't understand. It's my birthday I guess it's time to celebrate.
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It's the same routine every night. Wake up at 1:45 AM rollover thinking I'm gonna wrap my arm around you and to find it nothing. And then that sinking feeling of emptiness hits. Days like today the pain hurts so bad I just dont want To get out.
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Every day the same routine. Wake up go through my day thinking of you knowing that I'm probably not what you're thinking about it. I know I'm a sad fuck when it comes to this shit but seriously I've never been this broken in my life. Every day is a struggle just to get up every day is a struggle in general.
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I feel so broken. I have this unfulfilling hope that I will have you back.. but I know it won't happen.. it makes me sick.
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