bloodsweatandbeerspart1 - Tumblr blog

[bloodsweatandbeerspart1]

'Cause if I was a man, I'd be Daron Blaaand

That's right, call me the man, because the last time I posted in here was while I was doing my punishment for coming in dead last for the inaugural season of Blood, Sweat, and Beers. But these are new times, times during which the leading receiver in the NFL is Taylor Swift (receiver of attention, that is), and times of the broken down and defeated becoming the UNdeafeated... well, not really, but you now what I mean.

With only 2 weeks left in the Fantasy regular season (whaaaat), let's take a look at the terrifically average teams of Blood, Sweat, and Beers, and break down how most are still playoff contenders. Now, some of you may have that tiny Jim Mora voice in your head that's saying 'Playoffs?! Don't talk about playoffs! You kidding me? Playoffs?!', but consider this - 75% of teams in this league are still in the running to win the Golden Goat and its accompanying $350 cash prize, and that is wild.

Amon a roll (Ali) - Playing a QB, WR pair from the same NFL team is always a risk, and it seems to be paying off for Coach Ali this season. With the Herbert Allen duo, and additionally Dr. Sir Christian McCaffrey, his highness (I believe he has earned this title), Amon a roll has been able to consistently put up some of the highest single-game scores this season. However, this team faces an upHILL battle playing the highly successful Hanna conference to close out the regular season.

Highway to Hill (Jake) - Remember when Coach Jake reasonably drafted Joe Burrow who got a fat contract then laid a giant disgusting goose egg all over the beginning of Highway to Hill's season? Doesn't matter now though, because like his TE Travis Kelce, Coach Jake has shot for the stars and has snagged several strong performers throughout this season, keeping him a playoff contender. Does Highway to Hill make the playoffs? I say yes, so long as Taylor Swift attends the Chief's games the next 2 weeks.

Fields of Dreams (Lexi) - The reigning champ team finds themselves in playoff contention once again, which is not surprising, considering how Coach Lexi is a jack of all trades who excels at all she does. However, she is currently last place in the Hanna conference, and that mostert. Fields of Dreams' season will get a bit spicier at the end though, when they face the current champ, Amon a roll, with most of their team on bye week.

The Friendzone (Jack) - With 3 of the original The Friendzone starters on IR, this team must get credit for its resiliency. Similar to Amon a roll, The Friendzone is a phoenix that has risen from the ashes of last season. But this phoenix of a team has also been without life during several matchups this season, and any falters in performance in the upcoming weeks could cause The Friendzone to be friend-zoned into last place before they know it. Is the friend zone an actual place, and do mayonnaise bears live there? Coach Jack may find out.

When Life Gives You Evans (Steven) - When Life Gives you Evans, or literally when your wife (inadvertently) gives you Evans, you think you would play him to defeat your spouse with their former player. But Coach Steven did not play Evans and lost because of it, and now he must continue to Chase the waterfalls that are the playoffs, because his team is the first on the outside looking in.

Dallas wears Prada (Niki) - Dallas wears Prada sports a high-end name, but this team has put up points-for that are in the bottom half of teams' performances for this season. That being said, this team had 4 games determined by 5 points or less, and could easily have 2 more wins than their record shows. All jokes aside, Coach Niki can still kick and scream her way into the playoffs, but she is going to have a bad time if she plays her 54839574932 Cowboys players against the Eagles next week.

Rookie of the Year (Jenna) - Within a league full of near 0.500 teams, these bottom 2 teams are unfortunately the only ones guaranteed to not make the playoffs. Although Coach Jenna smartly picked up C.J. Stroud later in the season, this team struggled with overall performance from Week 1, particular consistency with the quarterback, and was never quite able to find its footing. There is a silver lining, though - Rookie of the Year ends its season playing against 2 teams that are currently ranked in the bottom half of the league. Coach Jenna may still be able to dodge The Punishment.

Duuuval of the Lights (Alyson) - Although this team name makes me the happiest, the team itself makes me the saddest :( Duuuval of the Lights currently LEADS in least amount of points-for and has the TOP losing record, therefore is currently the MOST-FAVORED contender for last place. Although Coach Niki's biases towards Dallas have seemed to generally favor her, Coach Alyson's bias towards keeping Trevor Lawrence with the Jax Jags seemed to keep her team from ever reaching greatness, particularly in the QB position. In order to NOT be stuck with the punishment, Duuuval of the Lights will have to pull off their first win in the Florida girls conference, but hey, at least it's the weakest one. :)

And now, before we go... Call me AWS Next Gen Stats, because here are some random stats that no one asked for to prove superiority in things that don't matter. You're welcome!

Girls v Boys (win percentage average): 0.450 vs 0.583 UT v FL v NV (win percentage average): 0.583 v 0.361 v 0.583 Gerner conference (v other Gerner): Tied 1-1 Hanna conference (v other Hanna): Tied 1-1 Florida girl conference (v other Florida girls): - Rookie of the Year (Jenna) 2-0 - Dallas wears Prada (Niki) 1-2 - Duuuval of the Lights (Alyson) 0-2 Utah conference (v other Utah folk) - The Friendzone (Jack) 2-1 - Amon a roll (Ali) 2-2 - When Life Gives You Evans (Steven) 1-2 Bow twins (v each other): Amon a roll (Ali) 1-0, Dallas wears Prada (Niki) 0-1 Parents v degenerates (win percentage average): 0.583 v 0.472 (setting your lineup must be a distraction from raising your children, we get it) Highest single-game score: The Friendzone (Jack), 186.6 Lowest single-game score (you suck): Also The Friendzone (Jack), 59.86

Go forth, my fantasy friends. May the best team win, and for the love of God, Niki, please continue to put all of your faith in the Dallas Cowboys, because it seems to be working out, at least for them.

P.S. Sorry not sorry for all the Taylor Swift references. It's her world, and us and the NFL are just living in it.

[bloodsweatandbeerspart1]

Pancakes. Patrick Mahomes. A-Rog's popped Achilles tendon.

Greetings from a sad little IHOP in Woods Cross, Utah! Your commissioner would like to wish everyone best of luck in their fantasy season, while she angrily stews over a whopping pile of pancakes and endures her punishment for thoroughly sucking at fantasy football last year.

Highlight of the 24-hour pancake house challenge thus far: accidentally squirting lemon juice into my eye. It's going to be a long day.

WEEK 1 RANKINGS

Rookie of the Year- newcomer Jenna coming in hot with the top-scoring team of the week! With the exception of Austin Ekeler who had a strong week 1 performance (and gave himself an ankle booboo doing so), Rookie of the Year is a team full of average-performing players, and let's be honest, that's all a team needs. If Jenna's players can continue to roughly put up their projected points, and if the Jets defense is actually as good as they looked in week 1, then this team will be a playoff contender without a doubt.

Don't Call it a Comeback- like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, coach Ali gets to start the season with a W, despite having a team last year that was so s*** that it landed her here in an IHOP to eat a disgusting amount of pancakes. A little bit of luck thanks to Dallas Goedert doing ~literally~ nothing for Alyson and a reliable performance from McCaffrey helped Don't Call it a Comeback to inch past T-Law & Order's solid performance. But Coach Ali also started last season with a win and here we are soooo

The Friendzone- the other team vying for last place last year also starts this season with a win! Although Coach Jack almost had a coronary when he didn't snag his fave kicker Younghoe in the draft, he still managed to put together a team capable of beating Jake's, which really doesn't mean much. Despite having a beast in Aaron Jones to boost his points, Jack had to sweat losing against Good Goff as his QB Allen threw interception after interception, thus creating negative points, inching The Friendzone closer and closer to losing week 1. Luckily for The Friendzone, The dumpster-fire Bills performance ended just in time for this team to somehow pull off the W. Honorable mention for The Friendzone's win? Joe Burrow lol.

Fields of Dreams- the defending champion squeaks by with a win in week 1! With a pretty lackluster performance across the board, it was Monday night's performance from Stefon Diggs that helped Fields of Dreams to push past Last Place's team that did NOT benefit from the Bill's performance. To be of concern for the rest of the league, however, this team may have some depth. Although this starting lineup didn't ~wow~, Fields of Dreams did have a QB and WR on the bench that nearly scored 50 points together. So despite this team being the lowest-scoring winner of the week, don't sleep on them just yet.

T-Law & Order- and the award for best team name goes to Alyson! There's no real award here, but I just want to say it's my fave team name :) Despite losing this week, T-Law & Order still scored in the top 50% of the league this week. With a consistent performance across the team, T-Law & Order should have won this matchup in theory, however Dallas Goedert delivered poor Alyson a big-ol goose egg and didn't even look in the direction of the football that day. I had to double check and he did, in fact, play in this game, despite recording 0.0 points (no points for the single target? C'mon, Yahoo). Perhaps Goedert is just kicking off his Halloween spirit by ghosting Alyson, but here's to hoping he at least catches that one target next game!

Good Goff- Good Goff, as in Good Goff, how can you become the highest paid QB in the history of the NFL and play as garbage as you did against the Browns? Joe Burrow has a history of performing poorly against the Browns, which clearly Coach Jake didn't even remotely consider. But with stars in his eyes, Jake started Burrow and well, the rest is history. Even a MONSTER performance by Tyreek Hill wasn't enough to overcome the world's worst QB performance (well, besides A-Rog opening for the Jets, but that's a different story). But in all seriousness, if Burrow gets it together and Hill continues to perform like that, Good Goff will be a team to reckon with.

Wishing on a Star- Niki's only crime was not starting the Dallas defense. For someone who drafted like 99% Cowboys players, both former and current, she started the wrong ones. CD did okay but considering the 40 points on offense, he really could have done more. Had this team's coach had faith in the Dallas D, Wishing on a Star would've pulled off an impressive win, landing them 1st in the league after week 1. But hey, at least this team snagged Patrick Mahomes again lol. Let's see what some starting lineup/bench changes can do for this team going forward.

Last Place- y'all know how I feel about writing for the team in last place. But this week is an exception, as last place was the result of a volatile week 1 matchup with the defending champ... and the coach is my hubby ;) Despite strong, impressive performances from both WR Ridley and RB Pollard, this team could not collectively overcome the points put up by THE Stefon Diggs on Monday night, which helped Fields of Dreams snag the victory literally within the last minutes of week 1. Hopefully Last Place's 1st round pick, Ja'Marr Chase, and star QB Lamar Jackson will both look a little more alive in week 2.

With it being our first blog of the season, I would like to establish prizes and punishment. Prizes will go to the top 2 at the end of the season (following playoffs), and punishment to whoever ends in 8th place. Runner-up for the league will get their $50 buy-in back, and 1st place gets the rest of the buy-ins! Current 1st place prize amount is $300, as there is still 1 person who hasn't bought in... who is not currently eligible to win prize money....... you know who you are!

Whoever ends in 8th place will get to choose 3 punishments for consideration. Then the commissioner will put the 3 punishment options in a bowl and randomly draw the selected punishment. The punishment must be completed in order to re-enter the league next season.

PUNISHMENTS 1. Loser buys 1st place dinner & dessert, either in person or through DoorDash, UberEats, etc. 2. Eat a whole jar of mayonnaise (really, Jake? Ew) 3. Beer mile (please provide evidence for the rest of us to be entertained with) 4. Loudly sing 30 seconds of a song in a fast food restaurant lobby, video for proof required 5. Host next year's draft. Draft party shall include food and booze provided by loser 6. 24 hour pancake house challenge (do NOT recommend, I am 11 pancakes in and I'm confident I'll never want to eat pancakes again) 7. 'Fantasy Football Loser' sticker on car or license plate border until new Fantasy Football loser is crowned the next season 8. Run a 5k, but in an outfit chosen by 1st place

Go forth with week 2, fellow Blood, Sweat, and Beers opponents! May Goff be with you and your team, and for the love of Goff, Niki, show us that you actually trust your Cowboys by starting their defense.

[bloodsweatandbeerspart1]

and the winner of the Shitty Showdown of the Shentury is...

Ali, mwahahaa. Suck it, Jack! One of our disgusting teams had to take the W here and by the grace of God, Ja'Marr Chase finally delivered and lead Bye Week to their 2nd win of the season. Looks like your dumpster fire of a team is, in fact, worse than mine (up for debate considering you do have more points for I guuuuuess). Also, Geno Smith? Really?? (I totally did that in one of my other leagues, bit me in the ass too :') )

Aaron is a Karen- Let's all be honest with ourselves here. Unless something drastic changes, Lexi's team is going to go all the way this season. With only one loss thus far, and a whopping near 70 points lead in 'points for' over 2nd place I survived TB, it's going to take a lot of hullabaloo to knock this team off its throne. We can all hope for a loss for Aaron is a Karen this week, but that is 95% unlikely according to her win percentage projection. But let's at least give Baby Dropped Dal a chance to have a completed starting roster before we discount them completely. Also, before we move on, let it be known that week 6 results have established that Jake is Lexi's fantasy football b****.

I survived TB- Just like the Harbaugh brothers, the Bow sisters have a hankering for sucking at coaching football. Steven carried I survived TB to a win in their revenge game over Baby Dropped Dal, and if history repeats itself, I survived TB is going to absolutely obliterate Bye Week in week 7.

Raiding LaMar-a-Lago- In Jake's defense, Raiding LaMar-a-Lago could have beaten one of the 'NFC least' teams in week 6, but didn't stand a chance against Aaron is a Karen of the 'NFC beast' division. Week 7 will be a true test of this team's mediocrity, as we watch Raiding LaMar-a-Lago take on The Friendzone.

Baby Dropped Dal- The strongest .500 team in the league! With only 1 loss behind the 2nd and 3rd place teams, and just 18 points away from 2nd place's PF, Niki and this unassuming team are potentially 1 strong week away from weaseling their way into 2nd place. Is this likely to happen the week that Baby Dropped Dal plays against Aaron is a Karen? LOL. But hey, a coach can dream, and she can sure as hell at least have a complete starting roster.

Bye Week- Not gonna lie, it's easier to write this week after a much-needed win. My team is still trash, as this post reassures everyone, but we all need a pat on the back sometimes. After Bye Week's bye week, this team is hoping to scrap together a team that will be lucky enough to outscore a consistent 100+ point team. With Higgins' inconsistency, a bye for Cooper Kupp, and a jet-lagged manager of I survived TB, maybe just maybe Bye Week will see the stars align and squeak out a win against this strong playoff contender.

The Friendzone- Jack, as if your team couldn't get any more depressing, here you are with this team name change. You doing alright down here, buddy? We're worried about you.

[bloodsweatandbeerspart1]

Yeah Lexi, there's always next week ;)

Aaron is a Karen- and DOWN SHE GOES, only not really because Lexi's team is still in 1st place, even after the loss. With a hefty 510 points for, it'll take solid across-the-team performances by Jerry had a Little Lamb or Raiding LaMar-a-Lago to snag 1st place. This makes for an interesting upcoming week, as Aaron is a Karen is almost guaranteed a win against the destitute Tasty McGibblets, and either Jake or Steven must walk away a victor, given their matchup with each other this week. If Aaron is a Karen continues to have tight end problems (teehee)... if Cooper Kupp continues to dominate... if Jake decides to actually play a defense... PERHAPS we will see Aaron is a Karen finally fighting to keep 1st place.

Jerry had a Little Lamb- After starting the season in a measly 5th place, Jerry had a Little Lamb continues to climb and impress. With a top score in week 2 (nearly doubling his wife's embarrassing 80 points), a 20 point win margin in week 3, and beating the undefeated Aaron is a Karen in week 4, this team has gone 3-0 since their season opening loss. Shame on him for starting the Eagle's QB, but he might know what he's doing here. If JHALL continues to have consistently average+ performances from Hurts, Kupp, and some of the rest of the squad, all of the future opponents of this team should worry. Also, this man is already WAY too into playing fantasy football, he checks his score at least 1 million times each fantasy week. He should be grateful we forced him to play.

Raiding LaMar-a-Lago- Another team on the up-and-up, ALSO going undefeated for the last 3 games! After an absolute ass-whooping by his wife in the season opener, manager Jake collected his shattered ego and got his act together. He put on his thinking cap and benched a Rams receiver that, let's be honest, only got to start for Raiding LaMar-a-Lago because the manager is a Rams fan (it's okay Jake, we all do it). Going into week 5, Raiding LaMar-a-Lago faces their toughest opponent since Aaron is a Karen, so we'll see if this rising team can stand up to an actual challenge. Lord knows if Lamar Jackson has another one of *those* weeks where he connects with his tight end Mark Andrews, JHALL will have an upHill battle to overcome (See what I did there, Steven?).

Baby Dropped Dal- We have to give credit where credit is due, and manager Niki has at least managed to squeak out another win since her season-opening matchup, which is more than the latter 2 teams in the rankings can say. The season opener against JHALL was promising - BDD scored over 100 points with just their QB, WRs, and defense. But then, while Stefon Diggs continued to DO WORK, the rest of this team became a bit more... sleepy. And then, so did Diggs himself :( Luckily, BDD practically had a bye week in week 4 when they faced the winless Tasty McGibblets, and this win will keep them at a comfy 0.500 before heading into the twin matchup of week 5.

Bye Week- BDD is playing Bye Week in week 5, but let's not call it an actual bye week just yet, as Ali's atrocious team is currently projected to take this one (even though these projections are whack). However, if the TE that manager Niki snagged has another 589204354 point game, Bye Week will be looking at their 4th straight loss, and in the famous words of Brian Kelly, may also be in favor of executing their entire team.

Tasty McGibblets- Here lies Jack (and Ali) at the bottom of the league, two veteran fantasy players, with no evidence of such.

[bloodsweatandbeerspart1]

Why do I play this 'sport' again?

Aaron is a Karen- OKAY WE GET IT, LEXI. I'm tired of praising you, someone beat this girl already lol

Raiding LaMar-a-Lago- anything you can do, Lexi can do better

Jerry had a Little Lamb- Steven on the up-and-up! Will he be the one to finally take down the undefeated Aaron is a Karen? Tyreek Hill and Joe Mixon do have this team off to an exciting start this week, but Lexi does have Josh Allen, Nick Chubb, the Buffalo defense... dammit Lexi, how did you draft all of these fantasy point machines?!

Baby Dropped Dal- If Patrick Mahomes, Stefon Diggs, OR David Njoku decide to deliver one of their star performances this week, there's a good chance Baby Dropped Dal can pull off the upset over the consistently trash Denver Sucks - wait, Sex - Dungeons.

Miss Commish- Speaking of trash, shoutout to the worst coaching decision of the week. The LA chargers can go kick rocks for taking 4 points off my already dangerously low fantasy score. Sometimes, I make decisions that I think will be good ones and then they turn out to be horrible ones. Like that day I decided to hike to class but half the 10 mile 'hike' was walking through the streets of SLC, with stomach pains, no restroom in sight.

Denver Sex Dungeons- Jack, I'm still trying to understand your loyalty to the Colts defense.

Sorry for the quick version this week, y'all. Being back in Texas is very time consuming. I was going to write this yesterday before the football week kicked off, but I had 4 hours of Dahmer to watch first.

[bloodsweatandbeerspart1]

A quick week #2 recap because you know, life.

Sorry y'all, I do still have to prioritize school and my first clinical year end-of-rotation exam is tomorrow, so this has been a mad study week. But at this point, I know what I'll know, so how about I take a breather with a little fantasy?

Let's start with this -- Jack, we mustache you a question. How is your luck this bad? Your points-for should have you at least at the top of the bottom 50% of the league, yet here you are, sitting cozily in last place. Hopefully your bromance with Steven won't get in the way of a dominant performance in week 3. Don't dig your loss hole too deep too quickly, friend.

Aaron is a Karen- The only undefeated team left in the league. That took no time at all. Can someone please beat Lexi so she doesn't think she is the most perfect goddess to ever grace the fake sport that is fantasy football?

Baby Dropped Dak- first of all, holy smokes, Diggs. Niki, don't let Steven convince you to trade this guy for Brady, I swear it would not be worth it. If Niki continues to manage her fantasy team with constant roster changes and play teams that AREN'T Aaron is a Karen, she is a serious contender to make it to the playoffs.

Jerry Had a Little Lamb- Okay, Steven takes the first Gerner v. Gerner win. In fact, he won so handily that his ultimate goal became to double his wife's fantasy score... and unfortunately for Miss Commish, he was dangerously close. If he continues to have a QB+WR combo that scores 90+ points, EVERY other team should be scared. This is scary, like, Notre Dame losing to Marshall scary.

Staff Infection- If it weren't for Lamar Jackson's ungodly good performance, Jake would be sitting in last place. But because the fantasy gods were good to him this week, for unknown reasons, he squeaked by Jack, even with a total turd of a performance by ol' Jeudy (jk, poor guy broke a rib or somethin'). Jake got lucky this week, but we shall see if that holds up against the surprisingly good rookie team, Baby Dropped Dak.

Miss Commish- Ah, how she has fallen from grace. This team is a perfect example of all the WORST roster decisions being made in a single fantasy week. Also, how was I supposed to know that the NFL was finally going to punish a player for violence?? Everyone should take a long, hard look at this team's performance from this week, and learn from it. Even if you play in 54872054 leagues and you've been doing this for 10+ years, you WILL have weeks where your bench nearly outscores your starting roster. And you will be embarrassed. And life will go on... mostly D:

Denver Sex Dungeons- Jack, I've said all that I can about your team. Now win some s*** so I can give you more extensive reviews. Or, if you like being in last place, keep playing the defenses that are up against Patty Mahomes.

[bloodsweatandbeerspart1]

Bitches be trippin

and I don't mean the females! We out here kickin ass and takin names, making it look easy. Whereas the men, well... we made them our bitches this week ;)

Leave it to Lexi to be a badass professor, wife, mom, pop out a bebe, go to the ER, AND still wipe the floor with the rest of us in week 1... of her first ever fantasy football matchup. There is nothing this woman can't do... ALL HAIL QUEEN LEXI!

Aaron is a Karen- need we say much more about this star performance? Lexi's roster is as about as good as it gets... unless her team suffers some serious injuries or an NFL player finally gets punished for beating a woman, I don't see Aaron is a Karen falling in the ranks much. Aaron Rogers sucks a big D, but this team does not, so beware.

Miss Commish- what can I say, I know a thing or two ;) my only beef is that I let a newb beat me (Lexi, I'm coming for you)! Now if only Ja'Marr Chase and D'Andre swift could stay healthy all season... *knock on wood*

Baby Dropped Dak- girl, I see you with this name change! LOL! Luckily Niki wasn't rookie enough to actually play Dak over Patty Mahomes, which put her in a position to comfortably beat Jerry and his little Lamb. Also, how tf did Niki land Justin Jefferson? This guy literally got more yards than Dak did... (separate note, when will Cowboys fans just give up already?) Niki is new to this fantasy thang too but watch out for her because she was smart enough to make an objective decision and subsequently name her team after snubbing the QB of her beloved Cowboys. Will she continue to set her lineup each week and thrive? Only time will tell. Don't consider Baby Dropped Dak a bye-week just yet.

Denver Sex Dungeons- ahh yes, 1st male loser to the women, the best of his kind in this league. His experience shows, much more than that of the manager of Staff Infection. Even with the best Younghoe performance one could ask for, Jack couldn't overcome the absolute dominance of the Lady Commissioner. However, Denver Sex Dungeons does play a rather weak schedule in the next 2 weeks... if the male-managed teams continue to suck ass, perhaps Jack will be the lucky one to pull out the win.

Jerry had a Little Lamb- Okay in Steven's defense, who could've seen Tom Brady doing THIS poorly against the Cowboys? The part in Tom Brady's hair was wide enough for the Cowboys to drive a Ford F-450 King Ranch edition through, yet surprisingly neither team exhibited much success in scoring fantasy points. That being said, Steven is an incredibly competitive manager, and he will certainly be entering the matchup v. his wife with a vengeance. If Miss Commish is lucky, Jerry had a Little Lamb will continue to play Denver's defense, and Tom Brady will continue to be '45 years old, man', and 'have a lot of shit going on'.

Staff Infection- My time is too valuable to review the loser each week. Jake, please see the aforementioned disses on your team, and better luck next time, buddy.