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im catching feelings

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instagram saw it first!!

ig: @.unorignal

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…I am glad the rain is coming down hard. It’s the way I feel inside.

Sylvia Plath, from a letter to Aurelia Plath c. November 1950 featured in Letters Home: Correspondence 1950-1963 (via violentwavesofemotion)

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i just died

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could die. kthxbye

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i liek yellow. yellow yellow dirty fellow. das lame. im out

lunch and drawins

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tales of a pubescent mind (pt 1)

tbh idk what this is. i just wanna write this in a story style?? &&& i think there may be more of these so this part 1. also this is a true story but some parts are altered or left out bc idk. and this whole thing is bc i wanna write, bc this is consuming my mind when im on the bus and stuff so. here it goes…

there was a girl. she was an average joe, but she wasnt called joe of course. she has her scars and battle wounds. but she was okay. she didnt know many boys as she was from an all girls convent school. and she was a-ok with things being as such. living out her life as fully as possible. 

then, there was a boy. the way they met and became friends is a looong story, perhaps for another day. so this boy didnt really catch the girl’s attention. actually she kinda really didnt like him at all for a couple of years, he didnt care for her either. 

but in the works of a friend, they became friends. and went on group outings and started texting and talking more often and got closer. they shared secrets and parts of themselves and texted to the depths of the nights. had many 3am talks. this was all very exciting for the girl, who had none of such experiences before. and well, she didn’t know how she felt.

she didnt know if she liked him. she thought ‘ it really is probably just infatuation.’ the prospect of a boy paying attention to her was just something she never had before. she was truly, so confused. and she didnt know how he felt about her either, which didn’t help things.

she had much time to mull over her emotions, as all of this, it was happening during her school break. even with that time, she couldnt figure it out. her mind was still a clouded, jumbled mess, that even she herself couldnt untangle. it was just a lot. he was a lot.

he was sweet. said and promised alot. he really made quite big plans. planning movie marathons, shopping trips, trips to universal. honestly quite big promises. the girl was really excited, yet she wasn’t. she didnt know hoW HE FELT. which drove her mad. he was sending such mixed signals and… she was overwhelmed.

it went on for about four short months before they stopped. it started to fade when his family stopped going to the church they both went to. the reason had nothing to do with the girl. he explained it all, and honestly. the reason was just petty drama, but she understood. she didnt think that not seeing him regularly would be so impactful to their relationship? friendship?

it was then when she couldnt catergorise what they had. it was just. complicated. but it was pointless anyways. they started to stop texting, which was their main form of communication. when it stopped she was really quite sad. not many people knew of this, so she couldnt express this openly. she was okay for the most part. her coping mechanism is to ignore. to just not think about it. but there was a night that she broke down and truly cried. however, it didnt help. 

time made her realise, how silly it had all been. she still thinks of him and think of the ‘what-ifs’. she thinks of all the possibilities. but what has happened, has happened and theres nothing anyone can do about it. nothing at all. the four months seem so short, but it felt so long.

sometimes, she would re-read the conversations they had. her heart swelled and wrenched at some, and cringed at some. i guess thats what your teenage years are supposed to be, perhaps? to be filled with moments and parts of your life that may have been bad decisions, regretful decisions, foolish decisions. but thats okay. you live and you learn. the girl still thinks of him from time to time, of that strange undefinable 4 months, and that’s okay. it is okay. 

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late night musings w gleNZZ blENDZZ

ohoehoehoe what a wreck. clearly not one who can ‘rock’ the space buns or braids, but tried anyways HAHAH. bed is 24/7 not made and ive yet to put the comforter cover oN the comforter. isnt that the most dreadful part of getting clean sheets. tbh such first world problems. but clean sheets do feeeellll goooooooodddddddd :————)) and also i diy-ed this tie dye shirt and i rly like it man :)

also truly as i had another convo w ziyang, i found myself with so much on my mind that i needed to say, and i spilled some on it to him, which was kinda unintentional, but was smth i shouldnt have done bc its not appropriate?? we arent even that close. idk i really am a wreck.

right now my priorities are my faith, my walk with God and school. and im kinda flopping at both?? i have an unsteady walk with my Creator, and not doing particularly well in my academics. i realise that they may kinda clash, but also come hand in hand. im not sure how to phrase it from my jumbled brain to words. 

i guess what im trying to express is that. when u get right with God, things fall into place, things like school. and life in general. but when your focus is off, both crumble. i know this yet im skipping church tomorrow. irony. but i intend to do a mini praise and worship sesh by myself tmr morning. when im alone, i really do enjoy singing to praise God, knowing no one will judge my voice, when it goes a lil’ off tuned. its when i truly sing for God and Him alone.

i feel so filled with doubt. doubt of the future. it truly is scary, yet so exciting. you know we have such high hopes of the future being better, a new start. somewhere that i can be, happier. but honestly i have a lingering feeling that it wont work out the way i want it. thats expected, but I’m afraid that something major and drastic would happen. its unrealistic to expect sunshine and butterflies, but all i hope for is that it’ll be easier than now? 

i honestly don’t know what im doing, being up so late but im glad im finished with a chapter of physUCKS. i feel rather accomplished, bc i can better understand the topic. i just gotta do the practise questions to try and test for my understanding, then just revise revise and revise. i hope im not a wreck to the extent of me totally and completely screwing over my results. i just hope to do, decently. please. im rly sleepy and tired. and tmr will be anotha day for some mugging. all the best to me :’’’’’’)))) 

edit: i realise that since ive deleted tumblr off my phone, most my posts r posted at night, where im the most… emo… hAHAHA

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f o u r  y e a r s

its been 4 years. four years since shes been gone and it doesnt hurt less. people who tell you “it’ll get better” are lying. truly. i feel like you simply learn how to cope with pain and loss. everyone has their own coping mechanism and as long as its something that doesnt hurt you, or the people around you, then i think its perfectly okay, and normal. 

mine is to not dwell and think about it by busying myself with friends, guides, even school and church. it gets easier to think of her and not cry. 

i also find myself remembering more happy memories and not the ones where she was truly crazy and sad. i remember times where she taught me to cook, when she was singing hymns at home with her sweet, sweet voice. the times where she would sing me to sleep, talk to me, give me the warmest hugs.

today has been a really busy day. but now ive got the time to mull over the fact that it has been 4 years. its hard to believe that ive survived 4 years without my mummy. she truly was my rock. i don’t have enough within me to garner all my emotions feelings and thoughts into words, but all i can muster is that i really, really miss her. i’d trade anything for more time with her.

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im rly struggling right now. but i know in Jesus, i can find my strength. i just have to look to Him for it.

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let every breath, all that i am, never cease to worship You

my Jesus, my Saviour (shout to the Lord) this song has been on my mind very often

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!!!

i brought ziyang to tf / yaf bbq outreach, and as he asked pressing questions on my faith, i started thinking. when was it that i started to lose this child like curiosity for God and for Jesus. why have i started to stagnate and even fall behind on my walk with God. where is the thirst for His Word and His love? as i bring a non-christian to church. it also allows me to reflect on how i have been walking with God, my Creator. i have neglected this while busying myself with school, guides, even church activities. how ironic. i neglect my relationship with Him, putting service to Him above it. service to God is important, i agree, but shouldnt your walk with God be of greater priority and importance? i will answer that for myself. yes it is. and i feel ashamed to have let it fall so far behind. “i have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back.” this simple hymn holds much meaning. and i have decided to work on my relationship with God, by doing devos daily. i think i’ll start on Job? i’ll do it on my commute to school. i hope it’ll work out. i want to be close to you Lord Jesus. i want to put my full trust in You and let You take control.

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overwhelmed.

as i type this. i an utterly overwhelmed by everything. running short on time to meet deadlines, to study for tests, keeping grades up, whilst also being in control of my leadership position with no political conflicts. it may just be for school, merely a cca position, but i feel the strain bc of the people i work with. they seem so, so closed minded. they are sneaky and tries to indirectly say things. they think im under the radar but i know. i know what they are saying, im just choosing to let go and let live, because if i pursue eveRYTHING that person says, i really may go crazy. im not saying im a good leader, im not at all, but i know my flaws. we all have them, its a matter of if you recognise them. i do try to improve but its hard when you’re working with hER I RLY CANNOT. i just wanna scream and shOUT at her, but i know. i cant. that’ll make things worse. and proving how shaky the foundation of this committee is. i need to buck up. step up, and rebuild this. i want this whole thing to work and im not letting a bad overall leader stop me.

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idiots

do u not know when i dont wanna talk abt it. im not saying it explicitly but like you should know better, being a sensitive person as well. i dont wanna remember or fucking talk abt it. can you not.