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[blowingblindly]

My thoughts on what is happening in the US regarding the protests in Iran

Hi All,

I have been having some big thoughts and feelings about how the protests in Iran have been spoken about and interacted with by Americans and as an Iranian-American, do have some thoughts to share.

First, I have noticed that there has been a lot of discourse about "how awful Iran has gotten". I find this sentiment both interesting and incredibly ignorant. Iranians have been facing the repercussions of the theocracy they have been living under since the Revolution. In fact, the socio-political conditions in Iran have been so horrific for so long that people like me exist. My family (including my mom and 5 of her 9 siblings) originally came to the United States as immigrants in order to get their education here and then go back and push forward their home country's economy and infrastructure. They were robbed of that opportunity by interventionist countries and organizations as well as both guided and misguided revolutionaries. My mother and her family had to give up big plans and dreams to seek refuge here and make sure that they could get their families and siblings out if they weren't safe. I still have family in Iran. My family still there leads beautiful and impactful lives in their communities but is hindered by the theocracy. So when you tell me that "wow, things are so bad in Iran". It makes me think: "How many people had to die for so many years for anyone to finally care?" The lives of many Persian women to westerners have been a reminder every couple of years of how badly they need help that they haven't been consistently receiving. And don't even get me started on the Islamophobia or racism against Middle Eastern people in the States.

Second, there have been a number of organizations that have equated the theocracy in Iran to abortion bans in the States.

Trust me, I understand how horrific and disgusting these bans are and recognize that they disproportionately impact communities of color. These communities definitely deserve the necessary aid they are receiving and should continue to receive so that their women and people with uteruses can have safe and comfortable access to abortion, reproductive rights, and life-saving practices. However, it seems incredibly ignorant to me that people in the States are asking for funds to be sent to abortion clinics "in honor of the women in Iran" because "their fight is our fight, and our fight is theirs". UNESCO and other organizations have existed for years that provide life-saving and incredibly impactful services to communities in the Middle East and around the globe. If you want to honor the women in Iran, send your funds to them. Providing abortion access to people in the U.S. is important but someone receiving an abortion in Texas doesn't help the 10-year-old who is shot on the street in Iran.

I think the best parallel I can make in this circumstance is: Imagine that you are at a park in City 1 that has the whole playground but it has been decided because of funding or safety issues that the monkey bars have been removed. Then there is a playground in City 2 which barely has any pieces of their playground left. The city planners in City 1 say "In honor of the people in City 2 with fewer pieces of their playground, we are going to put funds towards buying ourselves the monkey bars which were removed." How does this benefit the people in City 2? The clear answer is: It doesn't.

When people do things like this, in reality, they are hurting their own efforts to fund the social justice causes they are trying to support. The tragedy of the lack of abortion services in the United States is damning enough to warrant raising funds for those causes. The tragedies of the abuse women in Iran are facing is just as valid. However, it is a slap in the face to say you are helping them when you are donating to a just as worthy but completely different cause. If you were upset about police brutality against communities of color in the States, why would you instead send money for the atrocities happening in Ukraine? Fund the communities you want to help. They all deserve them but we need to put the money in THEIR hands.

People in communities facing abuse and discrimination need money sent to efforts that are in place which allow them to save themselves. Our money is useful. Our Instagram and Facebook feeds are useful (especially because internet access has been restricted). However, if we do not give them the funds to push forward their efforts, we are hypocrites. Especially if we are giving our money to ourselves in honor of people in a different country. There are plenty of incredible causes which deserve funding, however, it makes me sick thinking about how these women on the street could potentially be my grandmother, my mother, or my cousins in a decade or so and how the money being raised "in their honor" will never be used to actually help them.

With all this said, please consider donating to UNESCO and other more specific Iranian Human Rights causes. These women are incredible warriors in their communities and the best thing we can do to amplify their voices is to help keep them alive with our money and our online feeds. Please consider donating to these programs directly because of the many bucket-based non-profits in the United States which are not actually sending funds to them.

[blowingblindly]

My COVID-induced astral projection

Hi.

In the Spring of 2020, I received my COVID vaccination and didn't think much of it. I was somewhat prepared in that other members of my family had had bad reactions to it. They became sick for a couple of days, got fevers, etc. But I figured nothing weird would happen.

I got the vaccine on a Thursday and that night I went to bed early. I woke up around 2 am incredibly feverish. I had sweat through my clothes even though it wasn't at all a warm summer night. I stumbled over to the bathroom loudly and clumsily enough that Dash woke up. I turned the light on and peed while slowly sobbing. Dash asked what was wrong and I told him that I was feeling really sick and was worried I would be stuck like this forever (I'm pretty sure this will be the fear that follows me around in life - I don't like/Can't stand feeling helpless). He had to help me get back to bed but cradled my shoulder and put his arm around my waist.

I don't remember whether I had the dream before my night time wake up or after when I went back to bed. But I ended up having this really intense and bizarre dream where I woke up with a heaving chest. I had dreamt that I was in a building or park and saw a child around 9-11 years old. She was blond and I only saw her back at first. I knew she looked familiar but I didn't realize that she was me until she turned around. She looked so cute. I loved her instantly. I felt really sad when I realized that she was crying as she got the same red flush on her face as me when she cried. Her eyes were just as wide and green as mine. She asked, "Why have you been so mean to me?". I was shaken. I know and have known for awhile now that I have been unfair to myself in some ways. I think that I do stupid things and say stupid things and have been selfish in my life. However, I usually realize these things much later and then spend the next couple months/years punishing myself for it. It's unfair to the people who I have wronged because it doesn't really fix a ton for them other than if the apology is enough but I feel like if I don't feel badly enough or think about it enough, then I didn't care. And if I don't punish myself, then I won't learn. So I continue to parent myself in a way that is exceedingly harsh and unfair. This girl was me when I feel like I first started to fear that the pain I felt around my mom (because of her harsh parenting) would stick to me forever (and in a way it has because now I am doing it to myself). She was hunched over and shaking and I immediately dropped down to meet her. I remember in the dream, all I could remember doing was pleading to her, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll stop. I swear I didn't mean it." I hugged her and kept squeezing her because I loved her so much. I wanted her so badly to be happy. I wanted so badly for her to smile because I feel like a part of my brain just knew that if she smiled, then things would be okay.

The dream ended with us hugging and then bright light and us combining and then everything disappeared. I woke up breathing pretty hard. I was so confused and shocked and I have felt the same way for years. I will never forget that dream. I had never experienced anything like it. But it makes me think that deep down, I know that the way I treat myself isn't right. Funnily enough, maybe when I am 40 I'll have a dream about me now where I say something like "Why do you scare me so much? Why have you been so mean to me?" Same concept, same person, different time. I overthink to feel prepared but I just scare myself. I need to let go. If letting go means I don't become a lawyer. Then so be it. I don't want to upset that little girl. She deserves to be happy. She deserves someone who makes her smile and lets her smile. She grew up really frightened and surrounded by less than ideal circumstances and the only thing I can do now is let her out to play and be happy and be loved by someone like Dash. She deserved better and I am the only person who can reliably provide that to her now.

[blowingblindly]

A letter to my Bean

I miss you. When you are away, for the first couple hours, I feel light. Light in the same way someone feels light and excited when they go on a vacation. But after the first, second, and third hour, I quickly turn into a sickly middle-aged victorian woman who has traveled to the ocean to gasp her last clear breath. I desperately want to hear your pacing. I want to smell the coffee on you. I want to hear you laugh from the couch. This feeling solidifies that you are the home my heart returns to. I have a temper, I feel angry over the silliest of things, but you continue to wrangle me down. I become the most tempered of chocolate when I am with you. I feel warm and sweet, and sometimes I am something that uncomfortably sticks to the back of your throat and annoys you. But, nevertheless, I love you. You have only been away for a couple of hours but the joy I will feel when you get home will light up my whole body. Like a dog waiting for its owner. Like a cat, sees the handheld laser.

I know that you don't think I find you handsome sometimes. I understand that urge. I live in a body changed by time and circumstance. I no longer feel or look like the girl I was when I was 16. But you, I see pictures of you from when you were 16 and I think "I would've been the happiest and luckiest person if I had met him then". Would I have recognized that then at 16? Probably not. I was scared, quiet, and emotionally held myself for many of those years. But I think that 16-year-old Dash, like 19-year-old Dash, like 22-year-old Dash, has the clearest Kaleidoscope eyes. He has a nose that is easiest to kiss in the dark. His mustache tickles my lips. His whole face scrunches up when he laughs. That was one of the first things I noticed about you. Your joy takes over your whole body. But your pain rarely does. Your arms are soft but firm. They can squeeze me with a massive force but can also touch me with the kindest delicacy. Your body wraps around mine perfectly. I live for the nights I get to snuggle into your armpit and breath in your scent. Your feet are always finding my belly on the couch and live to prod and poke at me when you are playing chess and other games on your computer.

Your whole body was made to love and be loved by someone. I am grateful enough to be that someone, especially in my most stubborn moments. My face stings with the devotion I feel for you. You are the wisest, kindest, most gentle giant. I am the warrior and you are the protector. I feel hot and righteous anger which can make me unstoppable in the small sliver of just right circumstances. You stay level-headed and quiet. Focusing on the object of protection with a stubborn kindness that ignores the object of attack. I love you for the huge heart you have and the ability to cut off those unworthy of it with sound logic. I don't have that same skill.

This is all to say, you have been gone for four and a half hours now and I miss you. I wish I could be with you always. I wish I could ride around in your pocket and hold your hand whenever things are unpleasant. I love you fiercely and with the warmest parts of my soul. You are my person, and I could not be any more grateful for the good fortune that has befallen me in this lifetime in meeting you. I hope I get to come home to you for as long as you will let me.

I think I could die loving you.

Note: Ahahaah why do I sound so fancy writing this. Like an old person. LOL. I just love you. That's it. It's pretty simple actually. I was just trying to translate the most massive positive emotions I feel when I see you. Idk if I'll show you this because it's embarrassing but thanks for letting me hang out with you bestie <3

[blowingblindly]

This is the tits for us rn

[blowingblindly]

"Eat Shit. Pray Horribly. Love Angrily."

Source: ME bitch

[blowingblindly]

Lol just thoughts on why small talk SUCKS

Sometimes I feel really isolated at work. Part of it is because I hate small talk. I hate small talk because it is so surface level. I feel like it’s such a waste of time. Instead of saying “Hey, how about that weather?” why don’t we say “Hey, how about the cold as hell walk to work this morning? Did you feel the existential dread too when you wondered if life would be as cold and uncomfortable as that walk this morning but for forever?”  

One time at work, there was a team wide meeting where the HR lady said: “Turn to the person to the left and right of you and tell them how you are feeling and how talking about it may help.” This was mostly in reference to one attorney leaving because of a sexual harassment claim which turned out to be true and a number of attorneys following suit because of various other reasons. Our team was hugely impacted considering we were doing all of the work to rearrange clients to other attorneys and were getting the brunt force of all of our client's anxieties and displeasures because they now had to work with people that were strangers to them.  

I turned to my left. There sat a paralegal who had been with the firm for a couple years. She kept to herself, was pleasant to be around, and made minimal errors. She made a couple errors every now and then which made her less intimidating to me. She sat down and said a version of “How about that weather? Ha ha.” I waited for the girl on my right to speak since I was feeling emotionally under the weather because of my walk from hell that morning.  

The girl on my right said something along the lines of “The car ride here was terrible. It was insanely cold and walking even a couple blocks to work was pretty bleak.” In my head, I thought “well at least she’s kind of honest”. She had started with the firm about 6 months prior as a Legal Assistant. She was always trendily dressed but not in a preppy way. Although I do genuinely like her and have really gotten to know her better since then, I know if I wore some of her clothes at work, I would get dressed coded in two seconds. She had a generally aesthetic face which had a couple residual blemishes from what I assume were her teen years. She was always kind to everyone, didn’t complain unless someone was already complaining, and she really had cracked the “small talk” game. I am a bit jealous of her ability to always seem to know the right thing to say. I think she could hear some of the people next to us complaining which gave her the opportunity to be a little more honest that morning.  

They jittered about that “How about the weather?” question for a little while and then eventually looked at me expectantly and pointedly. I had no idea what I was going to say, but I was REALLY tired and was REALLY NOT feeling it. I had just started working this job and was starting to feel the decaying and brain rotting effect of 9-5 work (which although has its own privileges attached to it, can be very grueling). I mean, seriously, there must be a better way to get work done rather than have a bunch of people in boxed walls and ringing telephones all day and the second we speak too long to each other (long enough to recognize each others humanity), it’s a complaint to HR from one coworker who has more work than the rest and feels the need to spread their resentment about the whole damn place.  

I felt my inner “I can’t even give a fuck” voice break out. “You know, the walk was really terrible this morning. It also certainly didn’t help that the sky was really dark and grey even though it was 8 AM. Sometimes I wonder if it’s going to stay that way forever and I’ll just feel perpetually exhausted. It’s hard to stay positive right now.”

The girls both looked at me. There was silence for a couple seconds and then the girl on my left said “No that makes sense, it’s like when you’ve had coffee and it doesn’t hit at all for the whole day and then all of a sudden its 8 PM and you’re wired.” I smiled a bit at that comparison because it made sense in a simplistic way. The girl on my left said “Yeah, I feel that way too sometimes. But it normally goes away.”  

I remember walking away from that meeting feeling half worried and half relieved. I feel like this is all of my life. I know the hedonic treadmill theory is that we reach a set level of happiness but someday I hope that I get to stay in my highs longer than I wallow in my lows. I think that is worth living for. That hope is all I really have.

I really hate small talk. Someday I hope that the small talk erodes away and all we have left is honesty. I think the honesty would set us all free much more quickly.

[blowingblindly]

realizing u have to wake up again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that:

[blowingblindly]

While in the middle of a Panic Attack (On the Couch in my living room)

I don’t know why when she gets upset with me I live in fear. Like a constant state of panic. My body and chest physically hurt and I can feel the tips of my back go numb. My head hurts, it doesn’t pound but it’s like the oxygen isn’t getting to my lungs fast enough.

My self-esteem drops tenfold. I feel like I deserve dirt or less. She finds a way to make everything around me seem overwhelming. When I was younger and she would get upset with me and yell at me, I would shrink my body and look at the floor and she would tell me to stop it. To stop being “like a rat” because my dad did that. Then she would ask me if I’d want to wind up like him, a raging, schizophrenic alcoholic.

My stomach is pulsing right now. My eyes are watering which could be a normal reaction considering I’m upset with myself too and I’ve never done well with people yelling at me. I wonder if I can ever live a day of my life without the constant fear and anxiety floating around her.  

I feel upset - I wonder if she is the reason I grew up with anxiety pushing me to get things done. I wonder if she made the world a worse place than it is. I’m starting to feel my food from last night crawl up my throat. My burp tasted like coffee and hotdogs. My brain is starting to hurt, I can feel my breath is lighter now.

The room is a little dizzy. Not super bad. Moving my head right now hurts. Being alive right now hurts. I wish I were dead only to not feel this anymore. I have no course of action. I know it's unreasonable but my medications are in the other room and to me, that’s so far away.

I just got a chill down my back from the center, deep in my spin to the bottom of my butt. I tense the muscle to get it to reset itself. I know she is going to call me later in order to tell me I am a worthless sack of shit (not realistic). Correction: I know she is going to call me later to remind me of the mistake I made and tell me I am only making her life harder as a single mother. 

She called me an idiot earlier in Farsi. When parents say insults in their home language its 1000 times worse I swear. I wish I could tell my therapist I’ve had these thoughts without a look of disappointment on her face from how well I had been doing.

My depression scale in March had been a 20/22. It was insanely high. I think, at the time if I had been living by myself and had enough time alone, I probably would have killed myself. These are dark thoughts but they are true.

Now my scale is 7/22. I wonder if thats even true because all the feelings I had in the Spring were so awful. They were the worst I had felt ever before in my life. I . thought somehow the wrath of God could be seen in depression I felt.

People try to tell me winter break wasn’t my fault. At least, most people do. They try to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong. They try to reassure me I’m in a better place now.

Whenever my memories get angry with a grayish red tint, I see him. I used to taste him on my lips like acidic regret. I used to dream of kissing him. He used to be the only person I could genuinely speak to in high school. Now my body suffers when I think about him. He destroyed my brain and heart more than the bruises he left on my thighs and hips. He made me believe I deserved to be treated like trash. I still think I will never be worthy of romantic love because of him. 

... I need to work on my Business Class now but this will do. Maybe I’ll pull a Lord Byron next and fuck on my family members grave or something lol