blue-eyedangel21 - Tumblr blog

[blue-eyedangel21]

I’m sorry..

So I wrote a whole essay yesterday only for tumblr to be really stupid and I lost it. Anyways, I came to write out my feelings and my thoughts before being done with this tumblr.  I've mentioned this tumblr to you before and you didn't care enough to even look at it for yourself. So I'm sure me typing all this is a huge waste of time but its worth losing this amount of time to let out everything I need to, to move on. It's time I put this all in my past. So we tried again recently.  And I fucked it up. Because that's all I've been doing for years now.  I'm really sorry, truly, for how i behaved and lashed out on you. It's not okay how I handled that situation.  But I have told people time and time again that I am NOT doing well mentally or emotionally. And I was not kidding nor exaggerating, as you had to find out the hard way. I did try to calm myself down when I was mad and said how I felt and what I thought at first in the most calm way I knew how then you proceeded to be an asshole and talk to me sideways. So I lost my shit. You had the opportunity to see my ugly"asshole" side.  You say I can't handle yours  when I dealt with it for a year, but you couldn't handle mine after ONE time of lashing out on you. I did NOT ghost you. I told you in the voice clip, that I was done. YOU said you weren't listening to it. So therefore it was your fault that you didn't know i was done. Your fault that you didn't take the time to hear what I had to say and went around saying I ghosted you. In that moment of anger, I was done with you. But of course like always after my anger and feelings have calmed down, I felt like shit and regretted how I behaved and the stupid decisions I make when I'm upset. So in all of that out of control emotion, I lost you. And IT IS MY FAULT. And yes I do regret it. But what is done is done. I admitted to being the problem.  But im not all of what was wrong in that relationship.  You too had issues of your own that you did not hold yourself accountable for. And I dont find it fair that I had no problem admitting I was the issue and holding myself accountable for that and my behavior. However I rarely ever heard you own up to your shit. So I'm not taking all the blame but I can take most of it because some of it was me too and not just you. But I bet you are okay with me taking the blame for all of it. The constant leaving you was not because I wanted to but because of how you made me feel. Yet I felt like I couldn't live with you, I also couldn't live without you. And that was the confusing part. Why i probably kept going back and forth. I never felt this way about anyone . I never felt like I couldn't live with them but I couldn't live without them either. You have disrespected me many times and I bit my tongue and said nothing. My whole life I've been around drama and bullshit and narcissistic abuse.. so I dont know how to be confrontational in a healthy way or how to communicate effectively without feeling like im always the problem or im wrong or my feelings are wrong. And etc. It's hard to explain but a lot of that has to do with what I had to deal with growing up and still somewhat dealing with it as an adult. So im trying to break myself from bad, unhealthy, toxic behaviors and habits. So thats why im still doing and reacting the way i am. I am 25 years old and still dealing with that shit, its not part of my past yet, but it will be. So thats just explaining why I'm like this, not excusing it.  So the times I left were mostly YOUR fault. But you also left at least  2 times too..so it isn't all me. Every time I would for sure leave you alone, youd come running back. Just when I thought I could move on here you were. And sometimes I was the one running back. Like I said i was confused. But im not running back this time. I'm not gonna reach out to you. I dont hate you nor do I love you any less. I still love you with all of my heart and that hasn't changed nor will it ever even if that has changed for you because of how I've hurt you. But for me this is speaking my truth. And thsts the truth. I'm sorry that i threw everything we were trying to build together, in the garbage over an argument and because of my emotions and my mental health being so terrible. If I could go back and change that I would but we are better off going our separate ways. I'm sorrh I had to block you but I had to block Sierra too. I do not appreciate her posts. Feel what she may but what I wrote was honest and wasn't just about you but about others I've hurt along the way. You are not the only one. I don't care that she feels that way or if she doesn't like me anymore. She's not in my shoes nor are you, to understand or try to understand. I already admitted to being the issue so if she didn't like what I posted on my fb she could've just deleted and blocked me. But instead of reacting in a bad way i deleted and blocked her because i dont need negativity when im trying to heal and move on. I dont need her judgmentYou sent19 minutes agoNor do I need yours. You are always gonna see me as the bad guy and that's fine. But im no longer looking at myself that way. I'm seeing a woman who is trying to break herself from toxic ways and toxic behavior but is struggling to do it while also going through a lot of shit. Im flawed just like you..I'm not perfect. Not even close to it. I've been understanding and patient and always trying to see your perspective and its never really been a two ways street with you. You expect that from me but don't expect to give it back. And I'm tired of that. Been tired of that. I put it in alot of effort to make shit work when I was trying to fix things but I got tired, Bee. I didn't take you seriously because every time I tried to i didnt feel like you were taking it seriously enough to change your ways and your lifestyle. I wanted you to work so you had an income to better yourself and your future and also to help tatianna with Julian. As a single mom it is hard to take care of a kid by yourself and I wanted you to try to help her financially at least.  And not only a job but to stop drinking because I don't want you to end up in a coffin at such a young age. And to leave behind your son. How fair is that to Julian?  I love you, bee. I never want anything bad to happen to you even if you don't believe that. You're the only one who doesn't see how much i love you or how bad you have had an emotional toll on me. For some reason you're blinded by all of that. You say i didn't love you but if i hadn't I would've been done with you the very first time we broke up in November . But no I fell hard for you and put a lot of effort and love into us only for us to fall apart. So.. I hope you know i wanted a family with you too. I wanted to wake up next to you and my daughter,  and one day maybe. Not just my daughter. But a child of our own. With big blue eyes and curly hair.. that looked like you. I wanted a lil boy that looked like you with my eyes and hair and your face.  I wanted that more than i could tell you. I never could tell you that because i got embarrassed.  But I wanted that, with you. Not anyone else and now i feel like that I don't want another relationship.  Nor do i want to even bother starting over with someone else and feeling like this again. I don't even care anymore. Im so drained and exhausted. You were the love of my life. I fucked it up and now the bed I made, I have to lay in. So yeah you get the satisfaction of knowing I'm hurting and regretting what I did. But I get the satisfaction of never allowing myself to make this mistake again with another person and to focus on my issues with myself so I don't bring this kind of baggage and problems into my future relationships.  So maybe it's for the better that we move on. Maybe one day you can forgive me  enough to not hate me and maybe if I'm lucky enough to at least call you my friend.  I loved you like I've never loved anyone and it is hard to write without crying but I know that sometimes life is pain and heartbreak and that if we were ever meant to be than maybe somewhere down the road we could rekindle a friendship or more but maybe the timing is off and you were my right person but wrong time. . Maybe you'll come back...maybe you won't but please know you had my heart like no others. I felt that in my soul.  I felt it when I looked at you. When I thought about you. When i talked about you. When I looked in your eyes. When you smiled or laughed. When you were doing whatever and I was just staring at you. With every kiss. Every moment in your arms. When you were sleeping so peacefully.  When you were being you, I felt like i was home and I cant tell you the last time i felt that way. It was when my grandma was alive. So to find someone who was even close to feeling like home is a serious misfortune to lose like this. And losing you and this relationship will be a grieving process for me. I had to lose the one thing that brought me happiness, wholeness and love. So I'm heartbroken it has come to this because of my actions. But I love you Bee. Please take care of yourself.

[blue-eyedangel21]

Ugh my heart feels this deeply

“You ask me if I hate you, and I can’t believe you still don’t get it. You think I stopped talking to you because I hate you but you don’t understand that I could never hate you, that I wish I could hate you because then everything would be so much easier, you don’t understand that you could break my heart over and over again and I still wouldn’t be able to hate you. I stopped talking to you because I’m in love with you and oh god I wish I could tell you that, I wish I could scream “no, I don’t hate you, I love you, I love you so damn much it hurts” but I can’t because that just opens a door that needs to stay shut, because I’d rather have no love than a love thats only halfway. I’d rather be alone than with someone thats here one day and gone the next. and thats what you were, loving you was like falling in love with the ocean, its so blue and full of life and then suddenly your pulled in and waves are drowning you out and your so deep that the water isn’t blue anymore or green, its just so dark, and theres no sign of life and you don’t understand how something that looks so beautiful can be so deadly. So I guess the point of this is to let you know that I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I couldn’t even reply to you, I’m sorry that I was always there and now I can’t answer your text to give you some kind of explanation and oh god I just wanna apologize to myself for even wanting to apologize to you because you are never here, because you leave me out in the cold for days and I never get an apology. but I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I just cant do it anymore. I can’t hold onto something that doesn’t want to be held. I don’t want to be in dark waters anymore, I just want to breathe, and the only way I see that happening is if I’m not swallowing water for you anymore. So I’m sorry that we don’t talk anymore, but I’m also sorry that I felt the need to give you this apology when you probably barely noticed I was no longer there.”

— I guess this is more of an apology letter to myself than to you.  (via thesocietyofpoets)

[blue-eyedangel21]

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[blue-eyedangel21]

I love this!!!!

[blue-eyedangel21]

[blue-eyedangel21]

I hope you read this one day, J.A.E.🖤

You know.. You can go around talking shit about ME all you want. I loved you with all my heart & for some dumb ass reason I still do.. but go ahead. But don’t forget to tell everyone that I left YOU. & Tell them why. I left your sorry ass because you don’t know how to love anyone but yourself. I tried my hardest to be there for you , I bought you whatever the fuck you wanted it, when you wanted it. You were spoiled but nevertheless you were shown nothing but love. I gave you all I could & it still wasn’t enough. I broke myself trying to love you. When really you need to learn to love yourself. I was nothing but kind to you. You used me. You drained me. You sucked me dry. You took all I built for myself & tore me down . I was once again picking up the pieces by myself. You knew all I went through with someone else & decided to do the same thing, except three times worse. You’re worse than he is. Or ever was. Did you forget about the night you argued with me until 4:30 in the fucking morning over my BEST GUY FRIEND?! YOU had me crying my eyes out in your room, in a corner. Talking shit to me. Telling me if I walked out that door, we were through. But i was torn cause I loved you, & I know people argue, that’s part of relationships, but only difference was this was being controlling & a whole different level of disrespect. I should have known once 4:30 came & you were no longer the yelling, mean & controlling jerk , you snapped back into reality & came down from your high, that your ass was on drugs. I should have known when you were feeling guilty, begging for my forgiveness & continuously saying sorry, & saying you’d do anything to makeup for the way you were , that the person before was a different side of you i just witnesseed. I should have known. But I didn’t. I should have known the minute you turned into a different person you had more going on with you than you let me know. Yet was the same guy telling me I needed to let myself be open with him… when all that time you had secrets of your own. You’re a hypocrite. I’m thankful I didn’t open my heart to you. You would have ONLY crushed it more than you did months into the relationship we had. Every time I find someone I believe cares, they turn around & be like the people previous to them & are just as bad or worse… they show me every time that I can not loosen up my grip on trusting just anyone. People say you should trust someone until they give you a reason not to. No. That’s bad advice. Trust them once they’ve proven themselves to be trustworthy. Don’t trust someone with all of your heart hoping they don’t have a secret agenda & secret intentions.. because you will only hurt yourself in the end, deeply. Maybe my tight grip on trust is too tight, but I’ve seen, & experienced too much for me to trust easily. It could take years before I trust another guy. But you, I thought you were different. I really did but you fooled me good. But something inside of me time & time again has been telling me that maybe somewhere underneath all the drugs, bullshit & games, you did care. Who wastes 9 months with someone they don’t care about? Cause to me .. that’s too much wasted time, & too much energy put into something that’s not real. I could never have the patience, energy or time to waste like that. I couldn’t fake or be fake that long. So to me, I feel there were parts of you, you did share with me. & I’m appreciative of those moments & pieces of you that were real & genuine. But you’re not the person you played yourself out to be. Or the person you fooled me into trusting. You’re not the person i fell in love with either. To be honest I have no fucking clue who I even fell in love with to be begin with. I didn’t deserve this shit. You even said yourself when my ex boyfriends gf threatened me & all the bullshit he put me through, that I didn’t deserve it. But what made me deserve THIS, when I was the friend you could turn to, could talk to, who listened.. Who one day loved you with all her heart because she took a chance? The girl you said you fell in love with in the parking lot of walmart, in the back of my step grandpa’s truck? What did she do to deserve this? I know I left but I can’t help but question everything. My trust is broken. It’s going to take a very patient, loving, & honest guy to prove to me that I can be open, that I can trust again. Because as of now, I have no trust in anyone but myself. I know my intentions & feelings. I’m not going to hurt myself. But the intentions & feelings of others are unknown. So I won’t risk it. Who knew loving the wrong person could ruin you. But I know that I will bounce back from this, because I already have . & I will keep going. With or without you. But it hurts still… when you love someone , you gave everything & more for someone who never loved you to begin with. When it was all games. When it was all a lie. I took a chance.. on the wrong one. I took a chance, missed & lost. But I don’t regret it. & I never will. I’ll take this to my grave. I hate you but I still love you. Despite everything I want you to be happy but only after you experience my pain. After you wake up & feel the heartache in your chest . After you realize the person you tried so hard for, harder for them than anyone in your life, no longer loves you or worse to find out ,they never did & It was all a set up for whatever reason. After you lie awake missing them. After you look at pics the pics of you two. After you read their notes or reread your conversations. After you distance yourself from every person of interest. After you hate yourself. After you reminisce & cry. After you break down. After you swear you’re never loving someone again. After you see them somewhere & have no choice but to see them & face them. After you see them with someone else. After you feel the anger & feel the tears.. the heartbreak. After you ask yourself why you weren’t enough but he is. After you have experienced everything I did.. I hope you find happiness but only after your ass knows how it feels, do I wish you to know how I felt. How the girls before me felt. & The girls after me felt. & for your current girlfriend, I tried to warn her of your ways.. shit I even got sort of close to her. But she flaked out, fell for you ways again & fell back into your manipulative ways. That’s her stupidity though. What can I say. I told her so. But she has to find out the hard way . One day if she isn’t as stupid as I think she is, she will wake up & be sick of you & your shit. She’ll want a grown man who is ambitious.. Who is going to be willing to try to be more than he is now. Not a coward who hurts women irregardless if it isn’t physical. Not a boy who can’t keep a job. Not a boy who uses drugs. Not a boy who is fighting a war with himself & taking it out on the ones who really love him. Not a boy who isn’t strong enough to love someone else. Not a boy who needs to have control. You can do better girl. But it is your choice to stay or leave. You either choose happiness or let him choose your happiness (which basically means you’re happiness is temporary, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! ). In the end it is your choice. I chose to be happy.. & I chose for someone better to love me the way I DESERVE to be loved. 🖤🖤😉😉😘😘💯💯

[blue-eyedangel21]

I hope you read this one day, J.A.E.🖤

You know.. You can go around talking shit about ME all you want. I loved you with all my heart & for some dumb ass reason I still do.. but go ahead. But don't forget to tell everyone that I left YOU. & Tell them why. I left your sorry ass because you don't know how to love anyone but yourself. I tried my hardest to be there for you , I bought you whatever the fuck you wanted it, when you wanted it. You were spoiled but nevertheless you were shown nothing but love. I gave you all I could & it still wasn't enough. I broke myself trying to love you. When really you need to learn to love yourself. I was nothing but kind to you. You used me. You drained me. You sucked me dry. You took all I built for myself & tore me down . I was once again picking up the pieces by myself. You knew all I went through with someone else & decided to do the same thing, except three times worse. You're worse than he is. Or ever was. Did you forget about the night you argued with me until 4:30 in the fucking morning over my BEST GUY FRIEND?! YOU had me crying my eyes out in your room, in a corner. Talking shit to me. Telling me if I walked out that door, we were through. But i was torn cause I loved you, & I know people argue, that's part of relationships, but only difference was this was being controlling & a whole different level of disrespect. I should have known once 4:30 came & you were no longer the yelling, mean & controlling jerk , you snapped back into reality & came down from your high, that your ass was on drugs. I should have known when you were feeling guilty, begging for my forgiveness & continuously saying sorry, & saying you'd do anything to makeup for the way you were , that the person before was a different side of you i just witnesseed. I should have known. But I didn't. I should have known the minute you turned into a different person you had more going on with you than you let me know. Yet was the same guy telling me I needed to let myself be open with him... when all that time you had secrets of your own. You're a hypocrite. I'm thankful I didn't open my heart to you. You would have ONLY crushed it more than you did months into the relationship we had. Every time I find someone I believe cares, they turn around & be like the people previous to them & are just as bad or worse... they show me every time that I can not loosen up my grip on trusting just anyone. People say you should trust someone until they give you a reason not to. No. That's bad advice. Trust them once they've proven themselves to be trustworthy. Don't trust someone with all of your heart hoping they don't have a secret agenda & secret intentions.. because you will only hurt yourself in the end, deeply. Maybe my tight grip on trust is too tight, but I've seen, & experienced too much for me to trust easily. It could take years before I trust another guy. But you, I thought you were different. I really did but you fooled me good. But something inside of me time & time again has been telling me that maybe somewhere underneath all the drugs, bullshit & games, you did care. Who wastes 9 months with someone they don't care about? Cause to me .. that's too much wasted time, & too much energy put into something that's not real. I could never have the patience, energy or time to waste like that. I couldn't fake or be fake that long. So to me, I feel there were parts of you, you did share with me. & I'm appreciative of those moments & pieces of you that were real & genuine. But you're not the person you played yourself out to be. Or the person you fooled me into trusting. You're not the person i fell in love with either. To be honest I have no fucking clue who I even fell in love with to be begin with. I didn't deserve this shit. You even said yourself when my ex boyfriends gf threatened me & all the bullshit he put me through, that I didn't deserve it. But what made me deserve THIS, when I was the friend you could turn to, could talk to, who listened.. Who one day loved you with all her heart because she took a chance? The girl you said you fell in love with in the parking lot of walmart, in the back of my step grandpa's truck? What did she do to deserve this? I know I left but I can't help but question everything. My trust is broken. It's going to take a very patient, loving, & honest guy to prove to me that I can be open, that I can trust again. Because as of now, I have no trust in anyone but myself. I know my intentions & feelings. I'm not going to hurt myself. But the intentions & feelings of others are unknown. So I won't risk it. Who knew loving the wrong person could ruin you. But I know that I will bounce back from this, because I already have . & I will keep going. With or without you. But it hurts still... when you love someone , you gave everything & more for someone who never loved you to begin with. When it was all games. When it was all a lie. I took a chance.. on the wrong one. I took a chance, missed & lost. But I don't regret it. & I never will. I'll take this to my grave. I hate you but I still love you. Despite everything I want you to be happy but only after you experience my pain. After you wake up & feel the heartache in your chest . After you realize the person you tried so hard for, harder for them than anyone in your life, no longer loves you or worse to find out ,they never did & It was all a set up for whatever reason. After you lie awake missing them. After you look at pics the pics of you two. After you read their notes or reread your conversations. After you distance yourself from every person of interest. After you hate yourself. After you reminisce & cry. After you break down. After you swear you're never loving someone again. After you see them somewhere & have no choice but to see them & face them. After you see them with someone else. After you feel the anger & feel the tears.. the heartbreak. After you ask yourself why you weren't enough but he is. After you have experienced everything I did.. I hope you find happiness but only after your ass knows how it feels, do I wish you to know how I felt. How the girls before me felt. & The girls after me felt. & for your current girlfriend, I tried to warn her of your ways.. shit I even got sort of close to her. But she flaked out, fell for you ways again & fell back into your manipulative ways. That's her stupidity though. What can I say. I told her so. But she has to find out the hard way . One day if she isn't as stupid as I think she is, she will wake up & be sick of you & your shit. She'll want a grown man who is ambitious.. Who is going to be willing to try to be more than he is now. Not a coward who hurts women irregardless if it isn't physical. Not a boy who can't keep a job. Not a boy who uses drugs. Not a boy who is fighting a war with himself & taking it out on the ones who really love him. Not a boy who isn't strong enough to love someone else. Not a boy who needs to have control. You can do better girl. But it is your choice to stay or leave. You either choose happiness or let him choose your happiness (which basically means you're happiness is temporary, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! ). In the end it is your choice. I chose to be happy.. & I chose for someone better to love me the way I DESERVE to be loved. 🖤🖤😉😉😘😘💯💯

[blue-eyedangel21]

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[blue-eyedangel21]

The Top 3 Most Effective Ways To Handle Mixed Signals

3 precise, powerful steps to deal with confusing men, and relationships that don’t go anywhere. Get this free report now!

[blue-eyedangel21]

You ask me if I hate you, and I can’t believe you still don’t get it.  You think I stopped talking to you because I hate you but you don’t understand that I could never hate you, that I wish I could hate you because then everything would be so much easier, you don’t understand that you could break my heart over and over again and I still wouldn’t be able to hate you.  I stopped talking to you because I’m in love with you and oh god I wish I could tell you that, I wish I could scream “no, I don’t hate you, I love you,  I love you so damn much it hurts” but I can’t because that just opens a door that needs to stay shut, because I’d rather have no love than a love thats only halfway. I’d rather be alone than with someone thats here one day and gone the next. and thats what you were, loving you was like falling in love with the ocean, its so blue and full of life and then suddenly your pulled in and waves are drowning you out and your so deep that the water isn’t blue anymore or green, its just so dark, and theres no sign of life and you don’t understand how something that looks so beautiful can be so deadly.  So I guess the point of this is to let you know that I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I couldn’t even reply to you, I’m sorry that I was always there and now I can’t answer your text to give you some kind of explanation and oh god I just wanna apologize to myself for even wanting to apologize to you because you are never here, because you leave me out in the cold for days and I never get an apology. but I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I just cant do it anymore. I can’t hold onto something that doesn’t want to be held. I don’t want to be in dark waters anymore, I just want to breathe, and the only way I see that happening is if I’m not swallowing water for you anymore. So I’m sorry that we don’t talk anymore, but I’m also sorry that I felt the need to give you this apology when you probably barely noticed I was no longer there.

I guess this is more of an apology letter to myself than to you.  (via thesocietyofpoets)

[blue-eyedangel21]

Meant to be

”There are some things in our lives that we can’t fight,things we can’t always win.

Some things are just meant to be,

we’ve got to learn to accept it within.

We can fight, but what use would it be to drain ourselves of something that belongs?

In the end,

we’ll always right our wrongs.

What’s meant will find it’s way,

no point in causing such madness for something so inevitable,

as you and I.

You can run, and you can hide,

but this won’t be goodbye.

We’ll see each other again someday,

whether we suspect it will happen or not,

some things are just left in the hands of fate.

And cupid will have his arrow,

never failing to miss every target, never to miscalculate.

All in all, we might be at the wrong place, at the wrong time,

however this huge mistake might just be the best mistake of our lives.

Love and fate come when they desire, whenever it arrives.

I might be insane for believing in such “ non-sense”, 

that two toxic people could possibly be the best for each other.

 But, our love story will be a romance, that’ll never be like another.

Our’s is wicked,

unique,

strong and breath-taking.

Chemistry so strong we feel it in our bones,

there’s definitely no mistaking.

I am me when i’m with you,

and you are you when you’re with me,

it’s clear as day for everyone to see.

You and I are meant to be.

i couldn’t deny it if i tried,

two souls connected in a bond only we understand.

Forever heart to heart,

and hand in hand.

Love isn’t always rational especially for people like us,

who never seem to have the perfect timing,

always setting obstacles in our way.

If it’ real love,

time and distance doesn’t mean a thing

when the love is still passionate and alive , far and away.

You could disappear for months,

but when you came back the flame dancing around, and in between us, is still lit as ever.

Only, it’s so much stronger and alive when we’re together.

Some loves are just an undying fire that none of us can put out.”

[blue-eyedangel21]

[blue-eyedangel21]

[blue-eyedangel21]

Sometimes you meet people a little too late in life. And sometimes, time runs out too quickly before you can get the chance to properly know them. Maybe the world is cruel like that. But I’m so glad we met; and for what little time we did have, and all the memories and moments. So wherever life takes you, I wish you all the best. I pray that the world will be kinder, will be softer. I hope you find another happiness. And that happiness will find you. I hope we cross paths again.

“Missing you” // to a friend remnant-thoughts (via remnant-thoughts)

[blue-eyedangel21]

[blue-eyedangel21]