blueberrymanatee

[blueberrymanatee]

Tfw

Today, I fucked up... by telling my girlfriend she's ugly.

I was in class where I was randomly partnered up with a girl to do a group project. I have never said a word to this girl but she is a smoking hot 10/10. So we talked after class and decided to stay after school to work on the project to get it out of the way.

So, I arrived home late since I stayed at school and my girlfriend asked why I wasn’t home at my normal time. (not in a paranoid type of way…but just curious about where I was).

So I told her “Oh I have a group project to do and her and I decided to stay after class and get it done”

She jokingly responded, “oh so she’s your side ho now?”

I said “No she’s way out of my league”

She said “then how are you dating me?”

I said “because you’re in my league”

3 hours later….the bedroom door is still locked and I want to go to bed.

UPDATE: She unlocked the door, called me a moron, threw a glass of water on me and I better do something special tomorrow night. We have been dating for 6 years and practically married.

[blueberrymanatee]

Today, I fucked up... by having one leg.

So, I’ve been missing my leg for four years now. I’ve adapted quite well. I get around just fine with a prosthetic.

However, when I’m at home in my small apartment, I prefer to crawl short distances instead of going through the hassle of putting my prosthetic on. It’s jut more convenient that way.

So last night we had some company over to watch scary movies, and I read everyone a few short submissions to/r/nosleep. Everyone was pretty spooked before we went to bed. Two friends of mine slept on the couch, and one of them was someone we have never had over before. So this individual had never seen me crawl without my leg on. To describe it, I kind of move like a very slow cheetah who’s missing a hind leg. Like a tri-pod crawl, if that makes sense. So, I suppose it can be unsettling if you’re not expecting it.

In the middle of the night/early morning, I decide to leave my room for a drink. I didn’t turn the hall light on so I wouldn’t disturb my sleeping guests. There’s just enough light coming from the light above the sink to guide me where I needed to go. As I’m turning the corner to enter the kitchen, I see a figure and I hear “OH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK”, next thing I know, I’m getting kicked in the face. I suppose my friend recognized my foul mouth screaming back at him, because then he turned the light on and started apologizing profusely.

TL;DR: I crawled through my apartment without my prosthetic leg, my friend thought I was a demon and started kicking me in the face.

[blueberrymanatee]

Tfw you are Jared under a different name

Today, I fucked up... by buying a bottle of wine at the movies

Went to fancy movie theater with date. Decide to buy a bottle of wine. Go back to bar. Ask for two glasses. Bartender says he needs two ID’s. I’m too lazy to go back to seats to grab dates ID. Tell him I’m alone and was embarrassed to ask for just one glass. He is clearly sympathetic. Idiot me then tries to sell the story and continue on about how lonely I’ve been recently. He tells me he’s off in a few minutes and insists on watching the movie with me. I try to fight it but I could only argue so much without giving away the truth. Bartender is insistent. I text my date what’s happening. Go back to theater with my new date. Sit a few rows in front of my first date. She has the stupidest grin on her face as me and the bartender (Jared) sit a couple rows in front of her. He ends up being super cool and bought me and him another bottle during the movie. Movie ends. I thank him for his gesture. He didn’t even ask for my number or anything. I think Jared was just a genuine guy trying to comfort someone. Met back up with my date in the parking lot and thankfully she found the whole thing hilarious.

I don’t deserve Jared.

-thebassoe

[blueberrymanatee]

I need this shit rn

[blueberrymanatee]

[blueberrymanatee]

Me in a nutshell

[blueberrymanatee]

I have never related to any more in my life

[blueberrymanatee]

Abe is gay

[blueberrymanatee]

I think this is important knowledge

[blueberrymanatee]

medium-rare pepe

[blueberrymanatee]

[blueberrymanatee]

bo takes the time to turn a new meme into a political statement

[blueberrymanatee]

[blueberrymanatee]

[blueberrymanatee]

[blueberrymanatee]

Every single line of dialogue in this movie is a masterpiece.

[blueberrymanatee]