bluesoulforever - Tumblr blog

[bluesoulforever]

I would like to write a book.

Fiction, like I said previously, has always been so appealing to me. It's been an escapism from a painful life, but also has brought so much more depth and fulfillment to my every day. What I really want to convey through my book is connection-true human connection, and the magic, or not necessarily magic-but that certain force, certain energy, certain vibe, certain SOMETHING, that we experience when we have a true connection.

That human connection could be not just with a person, it could be with a place, an experience, a song, an image, a sound, words spoken or written, art in many forms, in a touch, in a look, in a feeling when someone enters a room. There are so many ways to experience a human connection, and I want to explore that in writing.

That said, I also want to make the story entertaining, relatable, thrilling, mesmerizing. A story that can make your heart skip a beat, and elicit a wide array of emotion. Its important to feel. I often think I feel too much but I also think, all things considered it is much better than being numb. I've experienced numbness, feeling nothing, feeling empty. In my experience that is the worse end of the spectrum.

I also want to explore the negative, the pain, heart break, grief, depression, anxiety, fear, terror, hysteria, trauma-for those are all human experiences and we gain human connection from sharing those negative experiences, and often this is how we truly heal, learn, and grow.

If souls exist, which I believe they do, I believe writing and reading of human experiences can be a source of soul food, a nourishment, to grow, to nurture, to heal the soul. And if they move on past this life, which I'm honestly not sure about (how could one ever be sure about that?), maybe they can take with them the knowledge gained, take the things saved from the fire and wreckage of this life and plant them in the burned ground, grow a new life from the ashes, rise again, be better for it, but maybe more weary from it as well.

Are old souls a thing? Of course. But why? Is it simply genetics, nature and nurture shaping that individual to who they are? To a large degree I believe yes, but I also believe there is more to it than that..and that is what is fascinating to me.

Before outlining the actual plot or characters I feel it's important to actually pinpoint what really makes the book tick..and I feel at the true core, no matter if I end up writing about boys or dinosaurs, or talking sharks at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean-this is the truest things I want to explore in my books and writing. Souls are fascinating and so is true connection.

Also I believe I will switch between writing on here like a journal and writing actual stories on here. Some days I will want to create and some days I will want to reflect-but the reflections will help the writing and the writing will help me reflect. A mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship if you will.

I think one main character name will be Max.

And that's a good start for tonight :)

-Blue Soul Forever

[bluesoulforever]

Hi

I don’t really know where to begin but one has to start somewhere.

What should you know for now...?

I’m a guy who thinks a lot about life...most people would say too much but I think life is a fascinating place and one it’s impossible to think about it too much...unless one forgets to live. To quote Dumbledore “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” Oh yes-I love Harry Potter, amoung other things-I contain multitudes as I’m sure we’ll get to.

I’m overly emotional...but working on it...but should I be working on it? I guess I’m finding out I’m a typical Pisces even though I really didn’t pay attention to it for the longest time and thought that it was all bullshit....maybe it is...but either way I fit a lot of the typical traits.

I care too much...and I’m working on it...or rather life has just beat me down so much that I’ve become jaded and cynical...people are noticing more recently. It’s sad but also maybe that’s just a part of life, especially with where the world has been going the last few years...optimism and pure joy are certainly at a premium-in general and in my life specifically these last few years. Sometimes I feel like a completely different person than what I was. Is that good or bad? I don’t know yet.

I love deeply. I love people. I believe in the connection of souls and that soulmates exist-both romantically and platonically. I used to believe in God but being raised Roman Catholic and also realizing you’re gay don’t really give you much faith in Jesus and God. Or maybe it was just being raised in that specific religion that ruined it for me. I believe there is some greater spirtual connection in life and I’ve experienced waaaay too many things and “coincidences” that lead me to believe there is SOMETHING greater going on. What that is...I have no sweet clue. I tend to believe in the fantastical, magic surrealism, destiny, and just generally have this romanticism about life, people, and relationships. I love Anne of Green Gables-I think I definitley have aspects of Anne Shirley to me-especially her world view-but again-I’ve grown to be more of a cynic recently but my natural predisposition is to believe in the little every day magic that happens in life-the small wonders, the indescribable events and feelings, things are too perfect to be chance, people you just feel you have known your entire life and in lifetimes before even though you just met. It’s truly wonderful to think that some souls have found each other in any universe, in any possible lifetimes, choosing each other again and again, reaching out through time and space due to some magnetism, or destiny...some indescribable connection that reaches out through the void...pulling towards each other again and again. I’ve been lucky enough to feel that with a few individuals...those people I feel my soul has connected with before and will again after we die...I take comfort in that even though I’m not certain of any kind of afterlife...but the alternative is too sad. Does that make me foolish, misguided? Does it make no sense at all? Perhaps..but sometimes you just feel something in your soul and maybe that is enough.

I am gay like I mentioned before. I know with some individuals they make that one of their primary identity markers-loud and proud, rainbows, marching in pride parades...etc. I have no issue with that but honestly that’s just not me. I’ve always found it to just simply be one aspect of me. I love boys...but that in itself is really not all that fascinating so why dwell on it? I understand that discrimination/homophobia creates the need for advocacy, creates the need to be loud and proud, and to push back against those who would hate me simply for that reason...but naturally I just wish to love and live and exist like any other person. There’s so much more I would rather focus on, and when I talk about boys I just want to talk about them like any other romantic relationship no matter what gender is involved...I want to talk about connection and romance and adventures and fun, dreams, goals, aspirations, emotional baggage, tell me about you-all the aspects of you. Someone at work pulled me aside one day and said, “why do you never talk about being gay?” The answer is multifaceted, but mostly because I find most people dwell on only that fact about me once I tell them. I become a one dimensional character instead of a dynamic person. I hope you, as a reader, whoever you are-can view me as that.

Why am I here on this blog? I love to write. I love to explore the depths of my own mind and explore the depths of human emotion. I used to think I would have a career as a writer. I loved journalism...wrote for a newspaper/ran a newspaper for many years...but it is hard on the head, and is a thankless position that more often leads to more people disliking you than the opposite. I’m proud of my work there-holding people to account and bringing important information to light...but it truly did a number on my mental health. I was suicidal in those years...that was just one small aspect of it...I was suicidal for a number of reasons...but overall I have no desire to step back into it.

I love fiction. I love novels. I love the escapism, the magic of it, the aspects of real life that are reflected and explored in fictional stories. Some people say I shouldn’t read fiction books because it teaches you nothing about real life. To that I laugh and simply feel sorry for that individual-fictional novels teach us so much about life, I would the best novels I have ever read have taught me more about life than any non-fiction autobiography or historical account ever could. 

I love storytelling. I used to take part in theatre for many years. I loved the fantasy of the theatre-bringing stories to life-musicals and plays. I loved being a small part of the larger wheel of the story-being a small vessel that could transport an audience to another place or time-and elicit real emotion from them. There is truly magic in the theatre-perhaps most of all was the comradery in between you and your fellow cast and crew. One of the most satisfying things in life that I have experienced is pulling a show together and creating magic on stage...but what I carry with me most as I move along in life is what happened before and after curtain up-the rehearsals, conversations in the wings or in a theatre chair waiting to go on, cast parties, speeches by our director in the green room, small traditions and pep talks-the lasting friendships. Once again, I love people.

But in loving people, and loving deeply, comes being hurt deeply. I wish I could shut off my heart and my emotions, but I just don’t think I’m that kind of person. I’ve had mental health issues for years because of it. I’ve thought for years-partly because of members of my own family that I shouldn’t be here, that I shouldn’t exist, that I shouldn’t have ever have existed, and so many people’s lives would be better if I wasn’t alive. It’s hard thought to shake. I stay busy and work too much to push those thoughts away, but it’s a constant struggle. Self hatred is a terrible thing, but it’s one I’ve often thought I deserved. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, hurt a lot of people, been cruel, been uncaring, not cared enough, been selfish, and just shut myself down when people needed me the most. But I’ve tried...very hard, to not be that. But my biggest insecurity, is not being good enough. I’ve heard that from people in different aspects of my life...family, friendships, romantic partners. Not good enough. Didn’t do enough. Just not quite right. Just. Not. Enough. That breaks my heart most I think...especially when you know you did everything you could...and you just were not enough for that person. Immense guilt and pain. Why don’t they love me? What would have happened if I never existed? If I stopped existing now? Would they be ok? Would they be happier?  Why am I here at all?

All this to say life has been an emotional rollercoaster...early childhood trauma/abandonment/family issues, lead to perpetual shyness, drive of perfectionsim, fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of causing any small amount of stress to my family as I already felt I caused so many issues, guilt of not being a normal kid, never having grandparents as a guiding light in my life (3 dead before I was born-1 living with Alzheimers-also taking a good portion of my weekends as a child that in hindsight shaped me greatly-although I am blessed for the time I did have with my grandfather), no uncles, no aunts, no cousins, even though I had many, and many living within a short drive of me, shyness and lack of confidence leading to bullying throughout school, “friends” bullying me, “friends” abandoning me. Finally gaining some confidence only to have it dowsed with the worst depression and anxiety I’ve ever faced, conflict of identify, loving too much, caring too much, loving the wrong people who didn’t love me, losing friends, finding love but losing a livlihood, throwing away personal passions, changing who I was, dealing with cancer in my family, dealing with financial issues, finding a soulmate who I could not be with, and realizing I may never experience love reciprocated the way I feel for others....it’s just all so much and that’s not even half of what has gone through my mind recently and what I have gone through in my life...but I needed to start somewhere.

So...why am I here? I’m trying to save myself, mentally and in my soul primarily. Writing and storytelling has been a love of mine for a long time, but it has also been a long time since I have sat down to write-this is my first attempt at reconnecting with it.

I feel if my soul had a colour it would be blue. Blue forever-in this life, in lives past and if I’m so lucky-lives in the future. I want to write my story and also write fictional stories-that relate to what I’ve experienced in life and are inspired by other works that have spoke to my blue soul.

If you’re reading this, I hope it will connect with you in one way or another and maybe spark something in your soul, some indescribable connection that will make you believe in something more...although who can say for certain what that ‘more’ is?

Let’s see where this takes us, shall we? :)

-Blue Soul Forever