blurry-gay-cryptid - Tumblr blog

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I think the funniest possible modern textual adaptation of Dracula would be Jonathan as a part time recipe blogger and you have to scroll through 10 paragraphs of the most harrowing thing you’ve ever read in your life just to get the recipe for paprika hendl

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It’s that time of year again when I have to remind everyone in my family that if they gift my child an elf on the shelf it will immediately become firewood because one thing mama ain’t raising in a snitch.

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like okay dude chill out

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All of my friends did well on their spelling tests and earned an extra hour in the sewers. I am not allowed to play, because I am dull-witted.

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Peach blossom, lotus flower, and ranunculus commish

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what if i *remembers that making suicide jokes is not conducive with my goal of improving the wellbeing of myself and everyone around me* transform into an oyster

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sorry for the sad comics.

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So sorry you have brainrot; mine is growing new leaves, roots, et cetera

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my sister just sent me this screenshot and honestly this is a prime mood

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minos was such a pussy. if my wife gave birth to an epic minotaur baby i wouldn't have locked him in a labyrinth. i would have taken him to the mcdonalds play place (athens) every day and let him eat as many stray mcnuggets (athenians) off the floor as he wanted. i love you hungry son

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rate the fit 💪🔥

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Today on clownery from my fraternity: I started “pavlov training” this guy from my frat as a joke but now it’s actually working

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i hate the neologism “partner” for “person i’m dating”. i have no intention of being a cowboy and nobody will ever be a cowboy to me.

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a guy walked into the cafe earlier. he was wearing what looked like an expensive orange turtleneck, and had his hair styled up like an anime character and honestly he looked like he was having a great time. anyway he came up and ordered, and i gave him a table number and said i’d bring his order over shortly. he smiled and went over to his table. when his coffee was ready, i took it over to him and set it on the table and said that i hope he enjoyed the coffee and that he has a good day. he thanked me for being really nice to him, and that he isn’t used to being treated like this because he gets a lot of strange looks from people. i told him that it was no problem, and that i thought his turtleneck looked really nice on him. as i went to walk away, he stopped me and said ‘you’re really nice, so i want to let you in on a secret’. at this point i looked up towards my coworkers, who were motioning for me to go back over to them, but at the same time i really wanted to know what the secret was, so i politely said ‘uh, sure’. he seemed fairly trustworthy. it was a public place anyway, so he couldn’t really do anything. anyway. he proceeded to turn away from the other customers and just fucking…took the top of his turtleneck off. he explained that he cut the bottom of this long shirt and added velcro to the ends of it to make it a turtleneck. he held it in his hands and said ‘i’m a liar. everyone thinks it’s a turtleneck. but it isn’t. it’s great to have dumb secrets.’ and then put the fabric back around his neck and thanked me for his coffee again. i’m kind of scared now. what does this man know?