blutea

[blutea]

today the vet told me that my dog has a heart arrhythmia.

the diagnosis of cause could be a variety of things, but the end result is the same in every prognosis:

she is going to die.

I remember I used to wonder why people got pets.

I told my best friend that I wouldn’t put myself through the pain of loving something so much, just to know I only had a small fraction of my time on earth to give to it; even less, considering normal, daily things that require my presence or attention.

And then I got a dog.

and a cat, and another dog.

and every single one of them is going to die.

it could be in a year, or five years,

or I could get lucky with them, and they could live until they’re seventeen, or thirty-one-and-a-half, like the oldest living dog in the Guinness Book of World Records (if you ignore the possibility of that being a false claim).

but regardless of how long (or short) I am blessed with their presence and unconditional love,

I am reminded of how I sign up for devastating heartbreak without much consideration, nearly every day.

I read books and watch films where my favorite character dies, and I can see it coming long before I’ve closed the last chapter, or the credits roll.

I make friends with the knowledge that we may one day outgrow each other, and never speak again.

I watch an elderly neighbor feed stray cats in his spare time,

who tells me he was feeding a group of them once and noticed there was a single, pure white kitten of whom he was particularly fond,

whom weeks later, on his drive home from work, he saw lying on the side of the road after being struck by a vehicle;

its white fur striking against the monotone grey of the pavement.

He tells me about her, as he feeds this new group of kittens; tells me he spotted another pregnant mama the other day,

that there’s more on the way.

he tells me that the cats won’t come up to anyone else, but he can stand there amongst the kibble and cans and watch them eat, and every now and then one of them will approach him.

That white kitten died, to my knowledge, about nine years ago.

I just saw the man yesterday with his bag of kibble underarm,

and I recall he was a fairly heavy smoker a while back,

but I haven’t seen him pull out a cigarette in years.

When we give our hearts as fair game for the breaking;

in whole, and without attempt of cheating the rules

or manipulating the boundaries,

only then, are we returned something of sanctity.

something abstract that cannot be measured in word or equation or form; something that has only one rule: it must, and can be, alone, felt.

We are given one piece of unchallenged knowledge when arriving to this existence:

every piece of it is temporary.

every single parcel of it all is Sugar Cube Purity.

I asked the vet for information about warning signs that my dog was nearing the end,

“the last thing I want is to unknowingly allow her to suffer” I told them.

I will make the choice, whenever that time comes, to gift back to her a small fraction of what she has given to me, throughout every moment she has been mine.

I will help her go, I will give her back to the earth and God, and whatever else it was that graced me with the gift of her existence.

I will bear the pain that comes with the choice of loving,

and as much as I hate to see it,

so will she, even if it’s just momentarily.

“People have held their dying children” I remind myself,

a last ditch effort to remove myself from some of the suffering;

to build a wall in my heart against the inevitable products of love.

but eventually I will return, after dismantling my imagined protection, brick by brick,

to this fundamental truth:

This love was never meant to be measured against its various other ‘selves’-

for Christ’s sake, I cried when my pet tree frog died,

and I still think of him-

And while I have never had to bear the extraordinary weight of loving and losing a child,

I am convinced that every manifestation of this beautiful, heart-wrenching gift

stands alone as its very own intrinsic experience,

that can only be measured alongside, not in comparison with, its innumerable other manifestations.

We cherish, and we are cherished.

we fear, and we are feared for.

we give, and we are returned gifts.

we are substantially changed with every experience of love

and its subsequent, and less welcomed friend, grief.

we are challenged to learn the value of our existence, through the eyes of those we value.

Love never fails, not because we are incapable of “failing” in our endeavors of love-

but because it is inherently reciprocal

and it always gives exceptionally more than it takes.

My dad tells me that upon learning the news that my grandmother was pregnant with him, her firstborn;

my great-grandma vowed to never smoke another cigarette, for as long as she lived.

and she never did.

We are instilled with the most powerful ingredient in the making of living,

right from the beginning.

we only choose to quiet its voice when those around us have forgotten how to let it burst loudly from within them;

when they stifle parts of it in themselves, and by association, in us.

When the time comes, I will get another dog.

I will go in with all the intentions of imagining that the painful second-phase of love is far off;

for it will be barely visible at the time.

but I know that I will allow it to arrive when it’s ready.

And for the time being, I will both bear and enjoy

the difficulty and intentionality of staying in this current, present manifestation of love with my dog,

for however long I am granted.

“To be loved, is to be changed.”

[blutea]

“A Drive”

Meteor showers sprinkled against vast night sky

from my position in space

thought them shooting stars

Permeated to reach my irises

though their lives much long over

light was tangible

They remained and didn’t at once

Parallel with you in a hospital bed

that same night

fading slowly and gently

A stars arc in descent to dirt

I knew it was the last I’d see of you

kissed your forehead

You’d remember my love

on your way down from the clouds

The light outlasts time

[blutea]

This website is like a suicide hotline but with text chat instead.  I would appreciate it if you guys helped spread the word.

[blutea]

George Floyd - change.org

George Floyd - amnesty.org

George Floyd - colorofchange.org

Get The Officers Charged

Charge All Four Officers

Breonna Taylor - moveon.org

Breonna Taylor - colorofchange.org

Breonna Taylor - justiceforbreonna.org

Breonna Taylor - change.org

Breonna Taylor - thepetitionsite.com

Ahmaud Arbery - change.org

Ahmaud Arbery - change.org 2

Ahmaud Arbery - change.org 3

Justice for Oluwatoyin Salau

Pass The Georgia Hate Crime Bill

Defund MPD

Life Sentence For Police Brutality

Regis Korchinski - change.org

Tete Gulley - change.org

Tony McDade - change.org

Tony McDade - actionnetwork.org

Tony McDade - thepetitionsite.com

Joao Pedro - change.org

Julius Jones - change.org

Belly Mujinga - change.org

Willie Simmons - change.org

Hands Up Act - change.org

National Action Against Police Brutality

Kyjuanzi Harris - change.org

Alejandro Vargas Martinez - change.org

Censorship Of Police Brutality In France

Sean Reed - change.org

Sean Reed - change.org 2

Kendrick Johnson - change.org

Tamir Rice - change.org

Tamir Rice - change.org 2

Fire Racist Criminal From The NYPD

Jamee Johnson - organizefor.org

Darius Stewart - change.org

Darius Stewart - moveon.org

Abolish Prison Labor

Free Siyanda - change.org

Chrystul Kizer - change.org

Chrystul Kizer - change.org 2

Andile Mchunu (Bobo) - change.org

Eric Riddick - change.org

Amiya Braxton - change.org

Emerald Black - change.org

Elijah Nichols - change.org

Zinedine Karabo Gioia - change.org

Angel Bumpass - change.org

Sheku Bayoh - change.org

Angel DeCarlo - change.org

Sandra Bland - change.org

Sherrie Walker - change.org

Darrien Hunt - change.org

Cornelius Fredericks - change.org

Elijah McClain - change.org

James Scurlock - change.org

Darren Rainey- change.org

http://www.pb-resources.com/

https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/

Do something!

*You don’t need to donate to change.org, donate directly to the families. Also if there’s a problem with a petition, please dm me instead of reblogging so I can fix it faster. *

[blutea]

I decided to create a masterpost that would help you with what you are struggling with. Hopefully any of the links below will help you! Reminder; You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass, just remember to breathe. 

————————————————————————————-

Distractions;

Here are some distractions to help keep your mind occupied so you aren’t too focused on your thoughts. 

-Draw something

-This website translates the time into colours.

-Create your own galaxy.

-Play flowing.

-Make a 3D line travel where ever you like. 

-Listen to music.

-Calm.

-Ocean mood, do nothing for two minutes.

Sleep issues; 

- 8 hour sleep music.

-Rainy mood. 

-Meditation.

-Coping with nightmares.

-How to cope with nightmares, 11 steps.

-Calm

-Foods that can affect your sleeping, both positive and negatively. 

 Uncomfortable with silence; 

-Rainy mood.

-10 hours of rain and thunder.

-3 hours of rain and thunder.

-Human heartbeat.

-Rainforest.

-Sound of rain on a tin roof.

-Autumn wind.

-Rain on a tent

-Traffic in the rain.

-Soft traffic. 

-Fan.

-Train.

-Simply noise.

-My noise.

-Rainy cafe.

Anxiety; 

-How to stop worrying. 

-Tips to manage anxiety and stress.

-The 10 best ever anxiety management techniques. 

-Self-help strategies for anxiety. 

-Helping a friend with anxiety. 

-All about worrying.

-8 myths about anxiety. 

Sad, angry and depressed/depression; 

-“I’m always sad”

-Feeling sad.

-Going through trauma.

-“I’m always angry”.

-Anger management. 

-All about anger.

-National helplines and websites.

-Self-help strategies for depression.

-Dealing with depression at work.

-Dealing with depression at school.

Isolation and loneliness; 

-Pets and mental health.

-All about loneliness. 

-“I feel so alone”

-10 more ideas to help with loneliness. 

-How to deal with loneliness.

 Self-harm;

-Alternatives to self-harm and distraction techniques.

-146 things to do besides self-harm.

-More alternatives to self-harm.

-Self-harm alternatives.

-How to take care of self-harm wounds/injuries.

-Getting rid of scars.  

Addiction; 

-How to help a friend with a drug addiction.

-What is addiction?

-All about alcohol and addiction.

-The facts about drug addiction.

 Eating disorders; 

-Helping a friend with an eating disorder.

-Eating disorder treatments. 

-Support services for eating disorders. 

-Self-help tips with eating disorders.

-Eating disorder recovery. 

-Recovering from an eating disorder. 

-100+ reasons to recover. 

-Understanding and managing eating disorders. 

 Dealing with self-hatred;  

-3 ways to ease self-loathing. 

-How to turn self-hatred into self-compassion.

-Self-hatred resources.

-10 step plan to deal with self-hate. 

 Suicidal; 

-International suicide hotlines (1)  (2)

-Preventing suicide. 

-Reasons to stay alive.

-Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings.

-Coping with suicidal ideation.  

 Schizophrenia;

-All about schizophrenia.  

-Helping a person with schizophrenia.  

-Understanding and dealing with schizophrenia.  

-Delusions and hallucinations.  

OCD;

-Managing your OCD at home. 

-Overcoming OCD.

-How to cope with OCD. 

-Strategies for dealing with the anxious moments. 

Borderline personality disorder; 

-Helping someone with BPD. 

-All about personality disorders.

-Treatment for BPD.

Abuse; 

-Healthy relationships VS abusive relationships. 

-Emotional abuse

-Overcoming sexual abuse. 

-Hotlines services. 

-5 ways to escape an abusive relationship. 

-Domestic violence support. 

-Signs of an abusive relationship. 

-What do to if you’re in an abusive relationship. 

-Surviving abuse. 

-What you can do if you’re sexual harassed. 

-Sexual assault support.

-What to do if you’ve been sexually assaulted or abused. 

 Bullying;

-How to stand up against bullying.

-How to protect yourself when it comes to cyber bullying.

-How to help stop people bullying you. 

 Loss and grief; 

-How to cope with a suicide of a loved one.

-Grieving for a stranger. 

-Common reactions to death. 

-Working through grief.

(Other loss and grief)

-Moving away from friends and family. 

-Coping with a breakup.

 Getting help; 

-Seeking help early. 

-All about psychological treatments. 

-Types of help.

-All about age and confidentiality. 

Things you need to remember; 

- Don’t stress about being fixed because you’re not broken.

-Remember to remind yourself of your accomplishments. Tell yourself that you’re proud of yourself, even if you’re not. 

- This is temporary. You won’t always feel like this. 

-You are not alone. 

-You are enough. 

-You are important. 

-You are worth it. 

-You are strong. 

-You are not a failure, 

-Good people exist. 

-Reaching out shows strength. 

-Breathe. 

-Don’t listen to the thoughts that are not helping you. 

-Give yourself credit. 

-Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, for the good or bad ones. 

-Treat yourself the same way as you would treat a good friend. 

-Focus on the things you can change. 

-Let go of toxic people. 

-You don’t need to hide, you’re allowed to feel the way you do. 

-Try not to beat yourself up. 

-Something is always happening, you don’t want to miss out on what’s going to happen next. 

-You are not a bother.

-Your existence is more than your appearance. 

-You are smart. 

-You are loved. 

-You are wanted. 

-You are needed. 

-Better days are coming. 

-Just because your past is dark, doesn’t mean your future isn’t bright. 

-You have more potential than you think. 

- Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

Please remember to look after yourself and know that you are more than worth it and you deserve to be happy. Keep smiling butterflies x

[blutea]

Wet snow falls to

stick

in the same way

I always thought we would:

together.

Keeps pushing down, down, down

until it’s just a mangled pile

of dirt and boot-stained mess.

Traffic lights reflect

red and green

through the tinted windshield,

and

in the tears that well up

beneath the dark of my pupils.

I start to wonder how much traffic has passed through these eyes-

when, then, they start

drip,

drip,

dripping

down my face

I note the way my own fluids betray me

and

I’m crying and

screaming at you

but you aren’t even here

to hear

and

the lines on the road and

the ones

between you and I

are blurred and

a boot-stained mess

and

I can’t see anything.

All I know for sure is:

I’m not afraid anymore.