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bobocrottentotten · 23 days

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5/1/24

The amount of money I've had to spend recently is absolutely killer... Weddings, parties, bills, dates, food, etc. Dropped multiple hundreds multiple times a week. The world is too expensive :(

The other day A was over and I have been head over heels, like for reeeeal. I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her every single day for months, obsessing over when she would text back, how beautiful she is, how lucky I am to be with her and have her love. When she was here I was still gushing over her and then I smoked a bowl and suddenly glass shattered before my eyes and out of nowhere I lost interest. Like what? How did that happen and how did it happen so fast and is this something that will stick? It's been lingering for days, I haven't been able to feel the same lust I did just days ago. My heart felt so heavy and was beating so fast. I feel like I'm putting on a show now a little to hold up what I was giving before which once came so naturally. I hope my feeling grow again. I'm so confused about what happened. She's literally incredible, how come my body did that to me? I am getting my period in a few days, could this be it? Is it all of the trouble in my other relationship that is creeping in? It doesn't feel like the latter but it is causing me a lot of stress recently.

Also, J and I talked about our relationship and agreed to go to couples therapy as a last resort to mend our relationship and try to grow back our feelings for each other and the romance between us. It's like we're just roommate right now. At first when we were talking to each other he was just like "I'm selfish, I've always been this way. It's so hard for me to think of anyone else but myself because I just don't want to. I'm like a narcissist." I'm not sure exactly what he thought he would achieve by agreeing and being self-deprecative, but I called him out and explained how he's making working on himself seem hopeless like he's helpless. He said he's afraid to say he'll change and not actually do it and I said, well you can say you will work on yourself and actually try. There was so much more to this conversation that maybe I'll go into more detail another time when I'm not about to go to bed. The next day he told me he loves me and would do anything to save our relationship because he could not imagine losing me. We will see how couples therapy goes. He's in my brother's wedding party and I told my brother to take some photos with her and some without just to make sure he has some without him in case we break up one day. I am a realist through and through. A desperate problem solver.

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bobocrottentotten · 1 month

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4/23/24

I'll start by saying I am in a non-monogamous relationship. I have a boyfriend (J) of 4 years (in June) and I've been dating my girlfriend (A) for 5 months, in a relationship officially for almost 2 months hehe :).

I love them both. I've considered if it's too early to tell A that I love her but we do and it feels right. I do love her, she is so sweet and makes me feel like we are the only two people in the world when we're together. I think about her all of the time and I miss her the second we start saying goodbye. Am I in love with her? Not just yet but boy is it coming!!!

It's been difficult to navigate this. I have dated women in the past but in these situations, it's always been for pure pleasure. Either I was not expecting to progress in a serious relationship and just wanted to be intimate and cutie together OR they already had partners so there was no pressure to grow into anything too serious because our foundations were already there. This is the first time I have ever had a second partner and it's been hard to balance. I'm not totally sure I will be able to maintain this partnership with both parties for long which makes me sad because that means I have to break someone's heart along with my own.

Recently J and I have been experiencing a lot of issues. Our relationship became monotonous and routine. I want to add that being non-monogamous has nothing to do with the deflation of our relationship, we have been in this lifestyle even through the most exciting parts. The past year I have seen a lack of effort from him. He doesn't plan dates, he doesn't communicate with me at all even when I bring things up that I want to talk about. He just shuts it down with a "Ok. I'm sorry. Ok." and nothing further even when I try to pry he just won't budge. He avoids conflict at all costs. I think it makes him feel uncomfortable but for me it feels like he's not truly listening or attempting to come up with a game plan for the issues I bring up. We do not fight, it's always just conversations. But it's so irritating feeling like I'm the only one who cares about anything. I also feel like I mother him sometimes by reminding him of all the basic shit he should do like text his grandma happy birthday or buy holiday gifts for his nieces and nephew or exactly what to purchase at the grocery store. If I don't write out a detailed list of everything we need, he will barely buy anything and he will only get what is on my list, nothing more. He also has a history of hiding addiction from me. Specifically nicotine addiction but recently he admitted he was addicted to kratom and has been hiding it for over 9 months. He never wants to go out or do anything, he's home all of the time, I feel like we barely talk anymore.

I know he loves me, I've never doubted that for a second. I know he is absolutely, positively in love with me and would spend the rest of his life with me and never be unfaithful and accept me for everything I am and want to be in life. I just don't know if I feel the same way right now and that's unfair to him.

But fuck, I do love him so much. I love how it feels like home when we're together, I love the life we've created and what we accumulated together in our home. When I look around our house I see the story of our lives and I love it. Which makes me feel sad like I'm grieving it somehow. I don't want to be 80+ years old and look back and think, wow imagine a life with J, being with him holding hands at 80. Or we lose touch and I was never there for him through his life and I miss out on all of the fantastic things he's done with it. I don't know if I could ever be his friend. But I don't want to lose him. :(

As you can see I'm conflicted.

I don't want to lose A either. Although it's new, she cares for me so much. She plans dates and we have lovely conversations and memories already. She values her family, friends and future and has big plans for her life that fill me with inspiration and motivation and make me want that life too. With her.

Fuck.

In other news! I went to the gyno today and turns out the constant outbreaks that I thought I was experiencing from my HSV 1 were actually ingrown hairs and I haven't been getting breakouts as often as I thought I was getting them lol. That filled me with relief and made me feel like I can finally be intimate again without having to stress all of the freaking time.

My life has been full of ups and downs. I've also recently gotten accepted into my master's program which is exciting and scary. I hope I can balance work, school and life. I will do my best.

I'll end here for now. I could go on to talk about how my exes old friend reached out to me recently and we've formed somewhat of a purely textual (AKA only on instagram DMs) friendship which has been both healing and bringing up old ugly memories of my ex but I won't get into that right now. It hasn't been affecting me significantly.

Until next time!!!

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