boland1234

[boland1234]

Expectations 

Today is as horrible as yesterday, I stop smoking pot an I feel more aggressive each day. My mood is swinging, im tired, and I crave cigarettes like I crave Sweets and food. But im glad not to be as hungry as I thought. I don’t really wanna eat today or tomorrow, because I feel like being bigger then I actually am. I don’t want to feel even worser I need that control of life right now or I go crazy, seriously. 

I tried and went for a jogging session late last night, but I couldn’t complete my route I was again so pissed at everything. First I wore the wrong sports pants, they where way to loose and I almost lost it mid training, so I went back to get my other Shorts, but in the process of searching them I destroyed my whole room. When I stepped outside for another attempted to go for a run. I was half way to my usual route when i accidentally skipped my song, and that was enough. I threw my phone in the Bushes and just sat there and thought. FUCK how am I going to find my phone now! 

I drove back to the bushes I threw my phone in, with my moms bike to search for it. I was glad to find it. But I also calculated in my head already, where I can get a new one. 

I think I need more change, or satisfie my spending habits. I am a radical personality I think, I want things fast. I am not patient and therefore I can’t stand inconvenience. People walking slowly infant of me, a delayed train or bus. Or when people cannot come to the point of reason when they want something. 

The more sober I get the more of my true me is shining trough, and I can’t hide behind the constant haze of my addiction. Wich is to me a reason why I wanna be sober, I need to feel something again. Seriously. When youre high all the time, since you’re young. You loose who you are and you build a bridge between you’re self and the world around you. Thats not a new discovery but defiantly something worth mentioning. 

God I missed all my quirks even when they exhausted me. Being high is like living in a glass house. 

And honestly, you can’t deny that ur getting dumber, and slow. I like how my brain works when im not high. And i can’t wait for my brain to get back all of its gain and mojo I lost. 

I think I have to overcome the sleepiness and mad feelings in order to feel normal again. But it remains hard to stay sober, for people like me who get bored easily its like double the pressure. I just have to get my self bizzy and find things I can do when I feel this immense boredom. Maybe crafting something out of wood, trying to write that song I wanna write since years. Teaching my self how to do more creative stuff. Or sleep.

Otherwise doing sports. 

But today I agreed with all my insecurities to just chill, and overcome the Mariuhunna hangover. I think a few more weeks have to past without me smoking pot. I don’t unnecessarily wanna  over do my little spoiled and lazy ass with things im not going to complete anyways. i think that’s a good strategy to get more motivation. To leave my ass some room, for normal human activities.

A phrase I often use for myself in my own head ,,chill``

Just every time thoughts of insecurity come up I just say ,,chill``

Good lord, we gonna do this. Its gonna be hard. Im just writing the shit out of my soul that always did the trick for me…. 

[boland1234]

New Years resulution

so, another year passed, trump is going to be the new president, there are votings in germany. And the people wait for change.

but what do i want for my 2025.

i think i try to be more consitent. More seroius, and more myself. Trying to stay of sweets and unhealthy stuff, be more amitious when it comes to exercise. Try to feel more free, and trying to let bad thoughts run out of air, being more in the moment. Its time to grow up and start something new, being less afraid of new things and taking risk. i even thought about, to stop smoking, and smoking pot, but lets just put the, we try it in little steps lable infont of it.

Its time to make this life my BITCH.

[boland1234]

God damn, i finally realize that im sick. and this time its conerning. Idk what to say actually. But it became more difficult to feel normal, or happy or trying to be in a good mood.

It feels so inconcistent, to be alive some how even unbearbele. My thoughts are circeling in this never ending swuirl of Depravetiy, Selfdoubt, and insecurity. I feel like rotting from the inside out, and it becomes so difficult to hide.

On the other side, i can be a complete different person. Happy and sort of relieved. Like all my Problems had been an illusion and everything was just a litte phase. I dont feel hate or frustration or anything anymore. It feels like goingtrough life like a fether moves in the wind.

But suddenly a feeling of, selfdoubt is slowly creeping up on me, and that turns into that spiral of Sadness. It just has to take one thing standing in my way, and thet feeling of ,,Rotting`` from the inside out comes back.

I wish i have time to find the reason why i feel like this. Why cant my life and my Emotional chemisrty just be like the other ones. Why dose it feel like being excloudet from my own life. I think i need help, medication, Stop Drinking, Smoking Pot and get rid of the nasty Cigarette habbits. I wish i was realesd from that, and be as healty like popele my age should be. I wish i would be able to succceed in life like the Poeple around me. I wish i could be more seroius, and more empathetic and discepliend.

I can change, and i think i will. But i think before i start to heal my body Problems, i should heal my self. I think i need a Therapist.....

I dont wanna die regretting that i never treid to optimize my self and be a better human for my other fellow humans. I dont wanna die Alone......

[boland1234]

Today i had argument, with my brother. I over slept and rushed to the bathroom where my brother was, and my mom was standing right there, to tell my brother to go out of the restroom. because u had to go for my bus. And i crushed in, and said why dont u go downstairs, to get ready. and from there the whole argument got even worser. We yelled at each-other for basically no reason. He got done with his hair stuff and i got into the bathroom. My mom must have told him that it was so unfair of him wantign to get ready. My mom hast this fascination with me, that i dont get. Never did my middle brother got the same attention that i got from my mom, she had infact a favorite child. Isnt that fucked up, she always complains about my brother, always. I even have to take ground for him, and tell my mom ,,thats not true what you say about my brother``

He had a a-lot going on in his life, from neglect to physical torture from a psychotic teenager, that he came a cross at the playground.

I tried to apologise, i texted him, but he is not interested in getting things right and talking about the stuff thats happening. And honestly i couldn't be mad about that. In his position i would be the same way fucked up as he is.

This family was built upon compromises and ,,we take it as it is`` Trough out my and my brothers childhood, things havent been okay. And they never really have been. It always was a struggle especially with parents that are both emotional unavailable. Life was okay, but never normal or usual.

And the out come of all of this is my middle brother disconnection from this family, and honsetly ive been thinking about for so long, and i might even do that. Because the way problems get treated inside of this family is questionable. And a the end it destroys us all. Because never in my mothers life did someone told her that the way she rises her children, or the way she brings justice and freedom in this family, was wrong the whole time. And thats why i told her this morning, and telling her that she is the cause of this family falling apart at the end.

I am Gonna leave them, leave this city behind me, moving out of misery. And starting something new. I guess this part of my life is over now. This pretended family life in the german suburbs.

Im done with this family so much, and it truly hurts me to go. Because their still my fam, but it enough for everyone of us.

[boland1234]

recognizing you're failure, is at least one step to authenticity

[boland1234]

you know whats currently completely destroying me , no its not a 6 foot tall american jock . its.....

the knowledge, that you are better without drugs, and stuff. And that you using it, is slowly changing you in ways that you actually want to grow out off, making you a undesired person that is incapable of communication. Because of me drifting away from my own life, means keeping me isolated and lonely and leaves me even more Depressed then i already would be sober.

Yet, knowing what i could do to make me feel a lot better. I rather be in my safe space. And the thought of sacrificing that safe space is uncomfortable.

I always think about being sober, and i really think to have the strength and motivation to be.

But i concluded that by now, the only thing that keeps me motivated is my Addiction.

But I kinda Want my life back.

[boland1234]

i am truly alone now, thats what it feels like. I mean i got used to it , but this is different this time. No i dont have no connection to nobody i used to know. I i figured, that i might be the problem. Maybe i thought of my self being super nice super cute kinda person. But im not, im so much more. I am an asshole, not always, but i can tend to be one. I am a lot, i cant even really discribe.

i feel like that gurl from flee bag frfr.

but just with an addiction attached. Thats who i am. an Addict, I just start thinking about it, that the reason why i do drugs is because, i clearly try to fill a great hole that somebody left there, and many more things. I try to fix myself with drugs, and i start to dislike my High self, i feel so blocked, and everybody is so distant from me, everyone is going forward while i stuck. I stuck trying to help my self, and i now im in this wierd place where i´dont know what to do next i constantly feel like being burnt out. Some thing has to change, i have to find my true original self again. In order to accomplish what i have in mind, the kind of ideas, and ways to go. My Addiction and my drug and me, have to go. Its the loss that you have to make to gain something new. Something different.

i Know what has to be done to get me there, but its gonna be such a tuff one, that will be a high mountain to claim. I got to step out of my comofrt zone and all my self doubt and find that person that i really am, i just know o have to survive 3-4 weeks without it, and things will get easier. I have to kill comfort zones, i have to get stronger, i need to stop being such a fucking coward.

[boland1234]

yeah finally got my ass up for the gym. Fellin sorte okay now

[boland1234]

Yesterday had a little beef with my best friend. Over some Mcdonalds. She told me ,,im going to Mcdonalds and im not taking you with me,, I Know it sounds so ridicules, and it for sure is, but the way she said it. IDK it sounded so disrespectful, And felt so attacked by that. We argued more, and she suddenly brought up some old stuff, and it confused me even more. I told her, that i was pissed of because of this situation now, lets talk about whats going on now. I told her to go, because i felt disrespected. I was truly mad at her for that, she then argued again and we wehre basically throwing shit at each other.

Idk, i texted her that morning. That i was sorry for being a dick, and that i acted so wierd over something so dumb.I also wrote ,,was just in a bad mood,, and now i feel like she could mistook that for ,,and now im letting my shit out on you,,. I feel like shit. Im not getting my stuff clear. and i feel like being a bad person. And now i think i am. She read it, but didn't answer.

i mean it wouldn't be the first beef we had, she just wont text back for a few days and comes back later. But i think after yesterday, she's going to be going away from me. You must understand, i have nobody to go to, no friends here, or people i can trust. She is basically the only one left of my people. And she has always sticked to me, no matter what. But again we have our issues.

My biggest fear, is just that she start to be friends with ,,HIM,, and that she cuts me off. On the other hand, i have other friend's two, but they're just farer away.

My plan now is to, look back. Because i definitely have something to fix with in my self. Cause lately ive been doing wrong, and i feel horrible being myself.

[boland1234]

i feel so empty

[boland1234]

well insecurities that i carry aorund,

ive always been the fat guy, in my childhood my teenage hood. I was born pretty slim. But due to a few events in my early childhood, i struggle with food. My Mom was always obese, and she didnt care about that for a long time, but she eventually got a Bypass. And lost a lot of weight, and then it was me who was the big dude, my brother all turned out normal, they have normal bodys, and normal expirience with it. But i didnt, ive always been the outkast. Back in 2020 i had to take heavy anti psychotic meds, that made me hungry and lazy. i almost gaint over 140kg of wieght because of it. and ever since i treid to loose it all, but it works only partly, dont get me wrong i lost a lot of weight i once was at 140kg and now im almost 86kg leighter. But i never knew that fat tissiue expands to house all fettcells in youre body, when i put on some clothing that is a little tighter you wont see any of that hanging but as soon as i undress You see my scared belly that just hangs around, it jiggles, An then man boobs idk why tf i have them, but i doo. And i think its such a burton, having extra fatt tissue right under youre armpits. i cant were a t-shirt because my massive men boobs make it look like night dress. Im so fucking insecire about that, i just wanna get rid of all this. Its like a pimple that is almost so big that it blocks youre view.

Im at the gym and shit and i keep watching for what i eat, but it the belly is till there, im mean im 3 weeks in and so much progress will not happen in a short amount of time like that. What im insecure about ist that the belly will be gone but the tissue that had to expand will stay, and i will never see me eas i want me to see. I gotta do more. I gotta be better.

[boland1234]

I didn't ruined you, You did.

imagine, living a life where it feels like nobody likes you even a little bit. But then you came in, and taught me love. You made me feel like a human being, but now. You're just using me for you're own reasons. Now you use me to find yourself. And did you?

Do you know what you want and desire now?

Have you found you're own?

I doubt it.

[boland1234]

Are you easy to please or just accustomed to being neglected?

k.b. // by dr. thema bryant-davis

[boland1234]

well insecurities that i carry aorund,

ive always been the fat guy, in my childhood my teenage hood. I was born pretty slim. But due to a few events in my early childhood, i struggle with food. My Mom was always obese, and she didnt care about that for a long time, but she eventually got a Bypass. And lost a lot of weight, and then it was me who was the big dude, my brother all turned out normal, they have normal bodys, and normal expirience with it. But i didnt, ive always been the outkast. Back in 2020 i had to take heavy anti psychotic meds, that made me hungry and lazy. i almost gaint over 140kg of wieght because of it. and ever since i treid to loose it all, but it works only partly, dont get me wrong i lost a lot of weight i once was at 140kg and now im almost 86kg leighter. But i never knew that fat tissiue expands to house all fettcells in youre body, when i put on some clothing that is a little tighter you wont see any of that hanging but as soon as i undress You see my scared belly that just hangs around, it jiggles, An then man boobs idk why tf i have them, but i doo. And i think its such a burton, having extra fatt tissue right under youre armpits. i cant were a t-shirt because my massive men boobs make it look like night dress. Im so fucking insecire about that, i just wanna get rid of all this. Its like a pimple that is almost so big that it blocks youre view.

Im at the gym and shit and i keep watching for what i eat, but it the belly is till there, im mean im 3 weeks in and so much progress will not happen in a short amount of time like that. What im insecure about is that the belly will be gone but the tissue that had to expand will stay, and i will never see me eas i want me to see. I gotta do more. I gotta be better. I just wanna be sexy for myself, just as a side note im not doing that because of what other people think of me or what they could think of me, once I undress. NO! I wanna be sexy for my self, because I actually do love myself but not my body. And I wanna look good while fucking

[boland1234]

i got to change something

[boland1234]

may be i am an ass hole some times

[boland1234]

may be i really dont need him. What did he gave me, did he show me how iportant i am to him. He gave me nothing, not a bit respect. So why would i choose him. If there are so many men out there.

So many options to go with, but i choose garbage