boolitstars-blog

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Sometimes

I feel a continuous sink in my chest. I feel a huge part of me is missing... or lacking. Sometimes my life pushes so many great accomplishments in my face but it’s not enough to erase this darkness that takes over me.

Will I always feel this way? Will it ever go away? Or, am I doomed to forever deal with the sometimes blues?

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Do it for fun.

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No

No I don't want to give you an explanation or a reason to try. No I don't want to bother my thoughts trying to find the perfect words. No I don't want to take in yours [perfect words] so I can hold on to false hope. Yes I will give you a thousand explanations if you wasted a breath to ask. Yes I will agonize over each word to make them flow together in a way that will impress you. Yes I will take in each one you say and hold onto them like they're the most important thing you'll ever share with me.

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Tell me

Why you left. Tell me where you went. Tell me why, am I worth the lines? Tell me all you want, keep me holding on. Tell me lies, tell me whys.

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I Will Regret This In The Morning

I will regret this in the morning But I will do it anyway My impulsivity often overpowers my conscience Yet I am almost always fully aware Of the decisions I make And their consequences I am not exactly mentally stable But I am sane enough To know right from wrong Yesterday from today Love from lust Although sometimes I mix them up I have a tendency to lunge at any pair of arms that open for me My mind and body often disagree My body saying yes to eager hands My mind saying no Constantly looking towards my heart Thinking how stupid one must be To fall repeatedly Get hurt every single time And still manage to do the same Over And over Again I wonder How many times I will have to hit the ground In order to learn to stop falling face first I often say things That should be left unsaid I often do things That should not be done Sleep in beds unfamiliar Make believe love to strangers Get to know people who will not remember me tomorrow I am gone as quickly as the hangover I can be washed off the tongue Just as quickly as the liquor I often believe I am capable of inciting change I kiss temporary lips with permanence Hoping that I can train them to stay I love temporary people with permanence Hoping that I can train them not to leave And when they do I claim to have seen it coming I am incapable of forgetting A scrapbook memory of skin and heartbeat Of touch and moments I know not to look directly into eyes For they can be blinding And I still Do it anyway I know of the risks that shouldn’t be taken Well aware of their consequences And I still Take them anyway You could say It is my own fault For the way that things continue to turn out But I can make no promise of apology Instead I will live momentarily Fuck up intentionally Love recklessly Fall unguarded Break enough times to learn how to put myself back together Crash into concrete enough times to learn how to shift a crooked smile Into something worth seeing I have been told that a life lived in fear Is hardly a life lived at all So I intend to live every second Like it is the last one I will have I will write each night as it happens Narrate my own stories And hope they turn out okay I will regret this in the morning But I will do it anyway

-Danielle Shorr 

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I Wish I

I wish I was a Normal Girl. I wish my teeth and skin were plain, normal. I wish my thoughts were decent, leaning towards pure. I wish my body was even, with nothing too big or small. I wish I was average but faintly memorable.

Instead I am crooked, with my smile and my teeth. With my back that is always pushed in from the way I carry our child. And my one nipple that's slightly pushed in from the way she breastfed. My thoughts that constantly linger on dangerous no matter what the topic of discussion is. Being memorable to people in a painful or unpleasant way. What I crave. 

I wake up and put my face on, I fit my lumpy body in clothes that mask my weight and I go on with my day trying to appear as normal as possible while secretly wishing I could just be ME again without feeling sorry for it.

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Do it for fun

I was 20 and free and experiencing feelings for the first time, despite sharing 4 years of firsts with someone I was experiencing firsthand that there is still life after your planned out life with someone unexpectedly ends. I was so free my heart gets fuzzies thinking about it.

I didn't love him, I just loved to be under and over and fucking him entirely for a few moments or all night. I loved laying next to someone without expectations or awkwardness, the silence and space was golden. I wasn't lonely I was warm.

He didn't look at me like I was beneath him for what I was allowing myself to be with him, he was just there to let me embrace a side of myself I was never able to. 

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We did not make love. We fucked. And it meant nothing. And that is okay.

(via pugsandpoems)

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NUMB

After the first time, I remember closing the car door and feeling empowered during what should have been my walk of shame. Had me like, "Wow.. Ok. Yeah I am THE shit, looking like I just crawled out of a gutter and all man I have it going on." I spent the rest of the day cushioned in a happiness high I hadnt experienced before. So naturally I spent every day desperate to find a way to keep that feeling.

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Here I Am

One year later I've come back to reflect on my drafts and posts and see how my current life compares. Or maybe I just wanted painful reminders of what was. Either way, here I am 22, a mother, living in a new state, grieving my dead Mom, and trying to figure out what I can turn to to feel better that wont make me feel like  a failure of a Mom. 

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$ting // the neighbourhood

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Sell your soul, not your whole self.

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The NBHD // 1 Of Those Weaks

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The boy who blocked his own shot // Brand New