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[boosmom121]

So frustrated

So, my granddaughter fell and hit her nose. It was bleeding and her little eyes started turning black and blue. My daughter calls to see what she should do- now mind you we are 2000 miles away from them. I told her it was normal for all of that to happen and to hold her head back to stop the bleeding and put some ice on her nose. My husband- my daughter's dad- was asleep. He had told me yesterday he wanted to sleep all day today. He gets up early and works hard as a flight medic for the children's hospital. My daughter said she did what I suggested and thought everything was ok. Then a little later she called back and wanted me to wake her dad up so she could talk to him. I asked her had she called him. She said yes but he didn't answer. I told her that I knew if I woke him up he would just say she was fine so I didn't want to go wake him up and I knew if I woke him up he would be mad at me and I would have to deal with his wrath. My daughter got mad at me for not waking up her dad and hung up on me. So, I go and wake up her dad and ask him to please call his kid she is worried about our granddaughter. Just like I thought, he was very angry with me that I woke him up- now he had slept all night til 11:30 this morning and went and laid back down about 12:30 and it was 5 o'clock at this time so I thought surely he had been asleep long enough not to be too mad- I was wrong. I come downstairs and text my daughter and tell her that I woke him up and asked him to call and asked her if he had- she said no. about 10 minutes later he comes downstairs cussing at the dogs and throwing his phone on the table. Finally about 10 minutes after that he calls our daughter and talks to her and tells her everything is fine. Now my daughter is happy but he is still mad at me and I just feel like I can't win no matter what I do. Someone is going to be mad at me because for some reason I'm the one to be mad at?? I wish I wasn't the middle man in these situations. I know it is a no win situation for me.

[boosmom121]

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[boosmom121]

Dysfunctional and Depressed

This whole alopecia thing and excessive weight gain has me really depressed. I have cut down on my calories and started exercising for at least an hour each night and somehow and I am still gaining weight. I have had every type of blood work done and none of it explains the weight gain. I have been told that the depression and stress could be causing it but other than that... no answers. I am also going back over everything that happened during my childhood, which I fell like I should be over by now- I'm in my mid 50's- , but just recently it has really started bothering me. It really never bothered me before but I feel so hurt that my father walked out of my life when I was 15 and started and new family and completely turned his back on me my brother and sister and told his "new" family to pretend we didn't exist. HOW DO YOU DO THAT AS A PARENT? Ho do you pretend that your first 3 kids do not exist... that they mean absolutely nothing to you but your 2 boys with your 2nd wife hung the moon and you are so incredibly proud of them. My mother is very critical- never has a good thing to say to me. She lives with me and my husband and I try to be nice but she makes it really hard. She is very pushy but then wants to play the victim. After saying something and I get quiet she will say in the awful squeaky pathetic voice- did i say something wrong? I always say no you didn't say anything wrong but I just remove myself from the situation and then she gets very pouty. She is very manipulative. I have found myself going so far to the other extreme to be nothing but positive for my daughter which in turn has created a monster who feels very entitled. I feel like such a failure as a daughter, mother and wife. My husband fusses about everything I do- even when I haven't done anything. For example he decided to recycle our plastic bottles- which is great but he told me just to put the bottles on the counter. So, that's what I was doing. Then the other day he just goes off on me telling me that he has told me to put the plastic bottles in the bag that he has in one of the cabinets. I told him if he had told me that I would have done it but I had no idea he had done that and last I heard he wanted me to put them on the counter. It seems ridiculous to be upset about that exchange but it goes deeper than where I put the bottle. I know he thinks I'm ugly and fat and probably feels stuck with me now that my mom has moved in because we can't sell our house and split our assets because my mom paid to have an addition added on so whatever we would get out of the house her part would have to go to her and that wouldn't leave enough for him to go out on his own. I'm stressed beyond belief trying to take care of my mom by myself- making sure what she wants/needs gets ordered. I take her to doctor appointments. I try to give my daughter money when she needs it to help her with her sewing business that she's trying to get started. I have a massive student loan that I owe that my husband has no idea about- because he would absolutely lose his mind if he knew how much I owed. I work 3 jobs so that I can pay it and still have enough for him to get whatever he wants so he doesn't blame me for not being able to enjoy the fruits of HIS labor. He doesn't mind the extra money but fusses that I work all of the time. I work from home so I started trying to put my computer away after my full time job and then just working at night when I lay down. Now he fusses and says that it bothers him that I take my computer to bed- now mind you about 7 years ago he decided he needed to sleep in a separate room because I'm hard to sleep with- I have insomnia (on Restoril) but I struggle to get to sleep and do toss and turn and never stay asleep all night and will be up anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours. So, I really do understand him wanting to sleep in a different room- especially since he has to get up at 4 in the morning for work. We have 3 dogs and nothing I do is right- I can't feed them right, I can't give them their treats right, let them out right, etc.

[boosmom121]

wishful thinking

Sometimes I wish that my daughter would send me a Mother's Day Card or send or send me flowers. Sometimes I wish that my husband would do more than just get me a card and put some thought into a gift. I'm not usually someone who cares anything about material things or asks for anything or really even wants anything. But, for some reason this year I just feel like no one really thinks about me or appreciates me (except my mother) and I just really need that right now. I just had a pretty big surgery and I could tell it was annoying my husband to have to change my dressings. I was told not to lift more than 10lbs and he never once offered to help me lift the dogs onto the bed (we have 3- one 26lbs, one 30 and one 40) I know you're thinking well just let them lay on the floor it won't kill them. But it's not their fault so I help them up. I'm still not completely healed yet he never asks how I'm doing. I just feel invisible. Time to quit being selfish and get over my pity party and appreciate all God has given me and all that he hasn't. I truly am grateful for my life... just feeling a little down right now.

[boosmom121]

So, I haven’t been on in quite some time so it must be time for me to vent again. My nephew was killed in a car wreck last week- my husband’s oldest brother’s youngest son- from whom he was pretty much estranged. My husband’s brother cheated on his wife- calling out another woman’s name during an intimate encounter and they divorced shortly afterwards. My husband left me after 7 years of marriage- we got back together- I cheated 9 years later but we stuck it out- even though it was beyond difficult- he cheated on me 7 years after that- he says he didn’t but I saw the text that pretty much prove it- but again we have stuck it out and made it work. My mom got sick a few months back and has had to move in with us. She is paying to have an addition added on to the house. Well today my husband decided that it was the day to vent and tell me how he really felt. He can’t stand my mother’s existence, he feels like he has lost his house and his yard, he thinks my mother is trying to take over our dogs- which she has done to her neighbors in the past- so not too far a reach to think. He is having some medical problems and can’t get in to see a doctor for 3 months. He thinks even though his brother cheated he is a saint and had good reason to do it. He thinks I cheated because I’m a whore and that he was just as innocent as they come and I was just doing him wrong. I so know how wrong I was and have begged for forgiveness- for 20 years now- sometimes he seems ok then some days I guess it just hits him wrong and he can’t deal with it. I have to remind him that he also left me first- with a 15 month old at the time- but he says he had good reason for that. I’m pretty sure he is a narcissist and, I think the term is, a gaslighter. I think he’s ready to be done even though I pray he isn’t but I do want him to be happy and he clearly isn’t with me. thanks for the avenue to vent

[boosmom121]

I don't always have to be right but I don't always have to be wrong either

Anonymous

[boosmom121]

Feeling Abandoned

My father walked out on our family when I was 15 years old. My brother 16 and my sister 19. My sister was already married and my brother able to drive on his own. So, I felt terribly alone in a house full of contention. When my father walked out my mom said- what about your daughter she is only 15. He said- well it’s been a great 15 years. She asked him what about his other kids- he said I have kids all throughout the United States. My heart broke for my mom and I thought I dealt with it with incredibly maturity for my age but now that I’m in my 50′s I see that I definitely have some damage from that. My father remarried shortly after his divorce from my mom and had 2 boys. He told those boys to never ask about my brother, sister or me and to pretend we didn’t exist. How do you turn your back on your kids and just act like they never happened? That was is in 1984 when he remarried and his first born son to his new wife was 1985 and his second in 1987. I tried to keep in touch with him on Father’s day and Christmas because he was my dad and I desperately wanted to maintain that relationship. I felt like he understood me like no one else did and now he was just gone. In 2009 I learned of FB and looked up the two boys who would now be in there in their 20′s a miraculously found them. It’s hard to understand how they mean so much to him and it’s like my brother, sister and I never existed to him. I have a Heavenly Father, thank God, who I know cares for me more than this biological sperm donor ever will or could and I take solace in my faith. But, I can’t lie... there are times that it really causes a deep depression to know your parent would rather pretend that you never existed.It has definitely affected my relationship with others and I owe so many an apology but I don’t want to sound like I’m using excuses but he has definitely messed with my mind, soul and all over self-esteem.... shame on you “dad”.

[boosmom121]

Griping again

I know it seems all I do is gripe and that is truly not who I am as a person. I just feel like this is somewhere I can post my frustrations and if anyone reads it maybe they can relate. So, my daughter evidently wanted a birdhouse for an owl and my husband made her one. But the last time she was over here she didn’t take it home. My husband fusses at me and tells me how ungrateful she is and I take up for her and tell him that I think she just wasn’t certain he was done with it and he should talk to her. But he says no- she is just ungrateful that she said she had to have this thing and now she acts like she doesn’t even want it. So I just send her a text and said- hey baby you forgot your birdhouse. And she said I didn’t know if dad was done. So, I tell him that and said I figured that’s what it was. Well, she comes back over another day and doesn’t take it home again. Again, rather than talk to her he fusses at me and tells me he is just going to sell the thing and quit doing anything for her. I asked him again to talk to her and he said he was just done trying to prove to her that he was taking an interest in her life and he was trying to do something special for her that she just didn’t even seem to care about. SO, AGAIN, I just messaged her and said again- baby you forgot the birdhouse again please don’t let me forget when I see you next time to make sure to put that in your car. So, today I see her and she starts fussing at me that I’m being pushy about the birdhouse. I told her no- I just thought she was hurting her dad’s feelings and she said no I  just didn’t understand that he was trying to just vent to me. I told her no- he wasn’t venting and then I got quiet. She asked me what was wrong but I truly just didn’t want to fight- so I told her nothing I was just really tired and she starts telling me that if it hurts her dad’s feelings that just something he is going to have to deal with. I really wish they would have these discussions with each other instead of putting me in the middle and somehow I have ended up the bad guy when I wasn’t even in on any of it except to tell her she forgot the birdhouse. I guess next time I will just let him sell it and they can take it up between them and I won’t try to smooth things over because I’m really tired of trying to be the peacemaker and being made out to be the bad guy. 

[boosmom121]

Release

I type here because I know no one read this so I feel it’s a safe place to vent my frustration. I work 6 days a week, 2 full time jobs and a prn job. I go to school, take care of 4 dogs and a turtle. I’m married and I just don’t feel like my husband respects me at all. He gets mad if things don’t go 100% his way. He does have an odd shift schedule so i always try to be understanding- he works 4 night shifts in a row one day off then a day shift and then he is off for 6 days. So, we sleep in separate rooms because of his odd work schedule. Our dogs sleep with us- i don’t need a lecture on why they shouldn’t- they do and that’s our thing- anyway so on his nights at work I obviously have all 4 dogs. They get me up before my alarm goes off to go out and be fed. So I do that and come back and try to grab another hour or so of sleep before I have to get up. Then I get up, I work my first job. Clock out then work my second job. Then try to get my school work done and because of my health issues I have joined a gym to try to lessen the chronic blood clots I get in my legs so i try to get to the gym at least 2-3 times a week. When he comes home from work I try to keep the house quiet- I take care of the dogs, the turtle, all of my work, etc... and be very considerate of his schedule. When he’s off work, again for 6 days, he still expects me to take care of the dogs, turtle, etc... He will usually get up with them for their morning feed but when I come downstairs he tells me how needs he is and needs to go lay back down- i don’t ever get that same opportunity. So, the other day I tell him I am going to work upstairs. When I finally clocked out and came downstairs he started cussing and fussing and asking me if I was done upstairs so he could go run his errands. I told him he could have done that even while I was upstairs- the dogs would have been fine by themselves for a couple of hours but because it wasn’t how he wanted to do it he lost his mind. I just needed a place to release or vent my ever growing feeling of despair and feeling of the lack of mutual respect. He demands attention and that I listen to him but if I start to talk about something in my life he al of a sudden remembers something that he needed to do in the garage or show me a picture of something that he remembered seeing- clearly showing me that what I have to say means absolutely nothing to him and I’m really just there to feed his ego. 

[boosmom121]

So Depressed

When my doctor asks- are you feeling down, suicidal, loss of happiness in life- I smile real big and say oh no everything is great. Reminds me of the Matthew West song Truth Be Told. I have no happiness in life. I have no desire to be around anyone to do anything. My husband puts me down for everything I do. My daughter feels she has the right to chastise me- she’s 28 and has forgotten how to treat her mother but she would tell you everything is my fault. But, some things she blows way out of proportion- for example we are storing a play kitchen for them in our house while they are between homes right now. I literally had a stress ball in a bowl that was in one of the cabinets of the play kitchen. You couldn’t see it unless you opened that door and looked in the bucket- the bucket which she placed in the kitchen. She opened it and all of a sudden started yelling at me to remove that stress ball that she was trying to keep that kitchen neat and organized. I’m sorry- she had no idea it had been there for MONTHS but somehow all of a sudden that day- it was cluttering up the play kitchen and she felt it ok to literally yell at me and tell me what a horrible person I was. I don’t feel like anyone respects me and that probably is my fault. I’m an enabler and I know it but I am also a follower of God who tells us not to be angry or have anxiety- but I don’t know how to deal with this depression. I don’t want my doctor or anyone else to know so I’ll just write it here and keep on smiling and saying yeah I’m fine....

[boosmom121]

Alopecia

Any others out there with this disease? Please tell me how you cope with it. Any therapies you have tried. I have tried Monoxodil, shots in the head, even experimental treatments with absolutely zero success. it started out with about a quarter size bald patch in October 2019. As of February 2021 I have absolutely no hair anywhere anymore. No eyebrows, no eyelashes, arms, legs, pubic hair- nothing. I promise I spent the first 3 months crying, the next 3 months as a hermit never leaving the house (luckily I work from home) and finally found a place that custom made wigs and it has been my saving grace. But, I would really know if anyone has had any success with any treatments they have tried. Any doctors that can tell you if any underlying conditions might be causing it. Any meds that might contribute to it? Any info would be great!

[boosmom121]

This is the first time I’ve ever posted here. I’m just trying to figure out what Tumblr is all about.