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Cigarettes or ppl?

2/21/17

So, I left off on my roommate debacle that the world is just fuming over I KNOW. Such hard hitting news over here..well. Lately, and I mean today, I’ve realized how shitty people really can be. First off I actually had a good night last night. I got high with people who actually get where I am coming from, yet stick to doing whatever will get them liked but.. they are good for the moment. Which is sad because I actually enjoy them as people but they won’t turn their backs from the people they “agreeably hate.” It makes me think of myself in the extent that I always thought I HAD to be friends with these people. That these were MY people and that I am their family. Well, if I am their family I am probably twice removed or something because this shit is fucked. Anyway, I just got back from smoking a cig and thought... are people cigarettes? Do we just use people for this momentary high and then when they are all burned out we kind of just throw them away... put out the fire... I THINK SO. WOW. Analogies over here. 

Anywayzz, yeah... these people are gross. They don’t care about anyone but themselves. Have room for nothing of substance yet think they are changing the world. AND don’t see their faults as faults. They laugh about them. To me it’s as if I am here are a visitor observing. That’s how I want to be viewed. If I accept that I am an outsider then people with also think the same way and we will all be on the same page. Instead of the page where I am called crazy even though I am literally doing nothing but existing. 

Not talking always helps... I just watched Mona Lisa Smile with Julia Roberts.. and it taught me something: You don’t always have to fit in.. but if you are going to go through the effort of standing out.. stick up for your beliefs even if that mean you have to wait. Have to wait for your best friends to be in Chicago next year for you to actually HAVE people there. 

P.S those same friends are coming to chi this weekend and I couldn’t be more excited for their presence. it’s long overdue. love them so

- Bottom Lashes

[bottomlashesofficial-blog]

A NEW START?

2/19/17

So, American Songbook is done. Now what? Well, the second semester so far has been a rocky one.. not only have I had to be in the same room while my roommate was hooking up with someone...twice. BUT even better news is that I heard him talking mad shit. FUN. Doesn’t matter though because I am not rooming with him next year. nope nope nope. The thing that I don’t get is... why talk shit about me in the same room... two feet away? Granted he thought I was asleep.. but that just shows how big of an idiot he really is. No I actually wasn’t asleep because you two fuckers woke me up in the middle of the night with your talking, and sex moans. thanks. It wasn’t like it was a show night or anything and a gal was trying to get some rest. Too much to ask I guess. But basically its a beginning. A beginning is an open invitation for an end though. And that end is the school year. When this school year is done will possibly be one of the most terrifying yet satisfying days of my life. 

Pros: real friends, back home, rocky horror, fun times and memories, no more horrible friends, no more annoying bitches, no more seeing the same people every day.

Cons: have to get a job

Which... leads me to a whole new beginning of trying to find a job. The options are a job that sucks but pays or a job that doesn’t completely suck and pays. Either way, it’s going to suck. Period.

Whatever... at least I won’t have to deal with roommate sex moans

- Bottom Lashes

[bottomlashesofficial-blog]

FINDING

2/10/17

Finding myself in the midst of the second semester of freshman year is hard. Not only because I am alone in the windy city, but because to top everything fucking off- I’m a theatre major. In a world where: you have a type, you start not knowing, you are taught not only your profession but yourself. It is hard to not feel like you are turning into something you aren’t or that you aren’t like staying true to yourself. Besides the fact that I don’t even know what “myself” is yet. But either way, schools shit. Not necessarily the school or my school, just the idea of school. The idea that I don’t know anything until someone else teaches me it. Or that I am doing it wrong because I was never taught. 

Now, this isn’t me saying I know everything or anything for that matter. I mean, I’m a teeny bopper kid who is writing his feelings in a tumblr post. But, either way I feel like I just have so much more to offer than what they see. 

Also, since being at school I have realized that I don’t agree with a lot of the world of an “actor” is. Always having to please people whether it be your family, coworkers, directors, or even yourself. The pressure is too much to put into words on how I am supposed to do everything or figure everything out perfectly for everyone to feel satisfied. (No musical theatre pun intended you Hamilfucks) I just don’t like the fact that I am acting in SOMEONE’S SHOW for SOMEONE’S MUSICAL and for SOMEONE ELSE to get credit to where I should be given. 

I want to be an artist. I want my work to be mine. I want to produce the things in life that I like and that NO ONE CAN TELL ME IF THEY ARE RIGHT OR WRONG. AND YES that might seem like I am afraid of rejection or feedback or criticism... and guess what EVERYONE IS. But, I am only trying to make myself happy here. I shouldn’t have to spend the rest of my life trying to please directors or people in general. Only myself. And I just am questioning now, $50,000+ in debt, whether or not theatre school will do that for me. Will theatre school please myself? Or just others? 

- Bottom Lashes